Reasons that I'm posting this story here: 1. I think people who have no interest in S/M lifestyle would miss 50% of the point of it. 2. Nobody knows who I am in real, and I think nobody will, the idea that weirdly makes me feel more comfortable. 3. I'm actually looking for some answers .. sometimes I feel like don't know what to do anymore. P.S: English is not my first language and I'm not a writer, so please be patient J It was a beautiful spring day, the day I was born, on Friday, April the 8th. 1988, the whole neighbourhood went crazy as I am the only son for my father after 4 girls, and they appreciate boys over girls bake there in Syria, everyone loved me from the moment I was born, they called me Ahmad, after the name of the prophet Mohammad in the Holy books, I can't remember that I had asked for something and didn't get, a bicycle a ball, anything I wanted, until the age of 10, when my parents decided that I'm no longer the only pampered son, I was the best in my class back then with an enormous 99.5% in total, I actually was the best in my school, the very next summer I started my career, yes I was 10 years old, the best in my 6th grade class and working with my father in his stationary store on my summer vacation, lucky me… At first it was hell on earth, I didn't like my family business at all, but as the time passed, and I went older, I considered myself very lucky, actually almost every day I do, I was lucky enough to learn about real life before it actually began, and the years kept going the same way, excellence in school in winter and working fairly hard with my father in summer, my dreams went bigger as I get older. 'I want to make my own road in life, I want to make a big name in the market depending only on myself, just like my father did'. I'm becoming a man, this was the first time I experienced the great orgasm feeling, I was 13 years old, it was just amazing, but wait, shouldn't I get turned on by vaginas? Boobs ??? butts ??? I believe I should, but instead I was turned on by feet!! .. women's feet!! WTF …. Why am I turned on mostly because of that while everyone else proffered other things?? Should I ask somebody ??.. no I think I'm gonna keep it between me and myself, and so I did, until now. Just to understand what I had been going thru, I got turned on by vaginas and stuff but not as much as feet, and the whole talk about sex thing was not acceptable in our culture, especially when you got something different than the others , so I couldn't tell anybody about how I feel, not my family, not my friends and not the girls I had relation with too, which kept me prisoner in my mind for my whole life, and that’s one hell of a prison. I was 16 or 17 years old when I decided to find a solution for my 'problem', first I found out that I'm a masochist in relations with girls, and there is something called S/M lifestyle, and I'm on the weak side of it, and then I found out that I have a masochist personality, such as any other personality it has pros and cons, the thing is nobody can know about that, not in our culture, I have to work it out, I could somehow work on cons so nobody find out about it, it's hard when it's inside you, and it's even harder when it's you what you are trying to hide, and by the time the idea of not letting anyone know has been sculpted into my brain, I can't let it out even when it's the only thing I would do to get some relief. I finished school, finally, and it's time to go to college, I choose the field that would help me achieve my dream, business, it was the best business university in my country if not in the middle east, we used to have to kinds of universities, the public ones, which were free to join, and private ones, which costed a fortune, mine was mixed, it was shared between the EU and the ministry of higher education in Syria, I had to work hard in order to pay for it, not that my family couldn't, but just that what I wanted, I met a lot of girls, had a couple relations, sex was mind killing, I could feel my brain cells getting destroyed by thinking S/M while having just normal sex, so I did it when I'm in need the most, even when I had my best era of my life, a successful 20 years old guy who studies business and at the same time has opened his own small store which went famous in no time, I even managed to buy a brand new car, it was amazing period, better than I could imagine, but only one so important part was missing, my dream girl, at that point I met that girl from Damascus, she was like the sun for my day, she was beautiful and intelligent enough to enter my heart without any warning in advance, she was my first and only love so far, she was a lawyer, graduated from the university of law, she was 3 years older than me, I met here at the English institute, it was amazing just to feel her in the same room.. Inside my mind there was a massive conflict, should I tell her about everything going in my mind and risk losing her forever, or should I just keep suffering alone and keep it goes where it goes, anyways not for a long time I chose not to tell, and by that time the Syrian revolution against the dictatorship, we started to go protesting against the regime together, she was strong enough to go protesting when most of men were afraid to do so, because the regime back then went crazy and gave a permission of shoot to kill against the demonstrators, until the regime intelligence came to her house and made it upside down looking for her, so she had to leave the country in no time, her family took her to some country I knew then that it's Dubai, and she had to marry her family friend in order to get the permission to stay there. P.S : In Syria we live with our family until we get married, that's the traditions, and we still make it old fashion of getting married, usually the mother of the man goes to meet the girl and her mother and ask about her, then she gives her opinion, then the man's family goes to the girls and propose their son to the girl, and ask for the parents' permission… I know it's too old fashion but that's how it works, and here you can see that the sometimes the parents play the first role in the marriage, that's why she had to marry that guy, she had nothing to do about it. Anyways a couple of months later the revolution became a civil war, and the regime intelligence came to my house, and asked for me, luckily enough I wasn't home, my father told me by phone that I should find a place to stay till we work it thru, I had to leave for two reasons, 90% of the people who were taken by the regime were killed under torture, even when they had nothing to do with the revolution, and the revolution becoming a civil war which I wasn't agree with, because all the money was coming from outside the country, which led to what happen know, a week later I left, I was lucky enough that I had finished my study before I leave, I had to leave and try a new start.. After a couple of years fighting to start again, been kicked out three times from three different countries, with the same reason, my nationality, all the neighbouring countries refused just to let us stay or work, after two and a half years of trying I came up with my decision, I am going to Europe, and I made my journey, it was hell on earth, 120 days in a ship in the middle of the sea, with no food or water or what so ever, I don't know how I managed to do it, I and another guy even could help a 100 people survive .. And finally after two hard years in Germany I could learn Deutch, found a job 'it has nothing to do with my BA' and got a seat in an MBA program, anyways a year ago I decided that it's time to release myself from the prison I built, I went to some munches, they were a big fail, they were so weird, I tried the chat apps, most of the girls there are not even into S/M, they just do what they do for money, and I actually suck in chatting and social media stuff, and the people in Germany in general don't totally accept the idea of us being around, I mean they are lovely and kind, and they welcomed us when nobody did, but when it gets to the personal level of relationship, let's say there is this big gab… I am really tired of hiding my desires, I just can't find a solution, and maybe I would find it here …
Dr.Zee, Thank you for sharing your story. I don't think you're going to find your "solution " here but I do think you will find a community who will accept and listen to you and perhaps help to guide you along the way. So long as you know what it is you want you can find it. Knowing is sometimes the hardest part and perhaps being a member here might help you to realise that fully and help you to find what you want.
I have been into S&M since the time a 13 year old boy was slapped by a 12 year old girl with boobs larger than most women's. It was in a pool and a dare by my friends. She is the sister of an old friend of mine. I was dared to touch them and I did. For my trouble I had ringing in my ears until I went to bed that night. Since that night I started to think of her doing more and more things to me as I masturbated to that thought. 53 years later she still remains the only face I see in my fantasies and my go to girl when I need to hurry an orgasm. At the age of 19 I moved a girl that I worked with into my rented house. She was into cuckolding me and sitting on my face when she got home. This was 47 years ago when it was not called cuckolding and having oral sex afterwards was not a thing. In fact, there was not internet or cable TV to make it a "thing". She just did it. I ended that when she gang banged my three closest friends and then expected me to clean her up. Plus she started to date one of them, the ugliest, shortest, hairiest one that treated women like sex objects for his pleasure only. I think she enjoyed being treated like that. After that I met my virgin wife. She slowly indulged my S&M needs with nipple clips, lit cigarettes and CBT play. She was never really into it though. Here is the part to give you hope. I did not know this when I proposed to my wife just 3 weeks after we met. I did not know any of her friends but found out later that her best friend is that 12 year old girl who slapped me. She had grown into a 38EE tall Norwegian long straight blonde haired, milky white skin goddess. Very long story short, she ended up forming a triad with us and being the sadist to my masochist for 30 years of my 45 years of marriage. She has a dominant personality and refused to assume the roles given to women at that time. She still does not know how to make a cup of coffee and uses a drycleaner for her clothes and a housekeeper to clean her condo. She would sigh with pleasure as she hurt me and her thighs would drip with her lubrication. At first I had to teach her how to use various impact devices and other S&M gear and methods. She learned fast and learned well. At the time we moved away from her, she was doing all of the stuff you would find on fetlife, even the yucky stuff. While I do not have a Master's degree, I do have a very high IQ which has served me well in my professional life. My former mistress had two Master's and 3 bachelor's degrees and was the dumbest educated person I ever met. She knew what she learned in school but lacked social skills and had very little knowledge outside of her fields of study while I tend to know something about most things. She was also very gullible. I had given up on ever fulfilling my S&M fetish needs and to have it happen at the age of 27 with the girl who started me down that path is amazing and I still cannot believe it. Then again, l seem to be one of those people who has things always go his way. Even the bad stuff ends up being for the better. My advice is to find a woman who is sexual adventureous. Dominant women are not born, they are made. I had to make all of mine and I started with women who were open to trying anything. You start off slowly with playful spanking. Then a blindfold a month later. From there you go to being tied down so you cannot touch her. Then the spanking hurts her hand so you introduce a paddle. From the paddle you slowly, very slowly go to her leaving marks on you like in my two pictures in my pic gallery. Those are from my wife. If it was my Mistress, there would be blood. My point is that you cannot just spring it on a woman all at once. She has to feel comfortable with just having sex with you first. Then there has to be two way trust and S&M has to be presented gradually so that the next step does not seem like much more. This has worked for me. It is rare to find a woman who wants to just jump into S&M with you. The internet is filled with guys looking for that same woman so you need to get out there and look for girls that are willing to try new things. I know that a kink is something you want to do but a fetish is something you need to do or it will gnaw at you forever. My old Psychologist told me that I have a very strong Machiavellian personality that enabled me to manipulate her even though she was aware of it. She said that is why I was so easily able to get women to do what I wanted sexually and businessmen to agree to my plans. I believe that is true, but all that it involved was finding out what the other person needs and wants and using that to get what I want. One thing to be aware of is that love will hold back most women from the more extreme S&M acts as it does for my wife. Although our girlfriend loved me, it was not the same kind of love that my wife had for me. Where my wife had her limits, our girlfriend had none. Same for the girl who cuckolded me. We did not love each other but bonded on a fetish level. When it comes to S&M it is very difficult to have your cake and eat it too. I was lucky in that my wife was open to non monogamy. I also had a few other women I saw who were dominant. My wife liked other women too so it worked out for us. I understand your pain and as I said, just keep dating until you find a sexually adventurous woman. Do not waste time with girls who just want to have sex other than a fling. Do not settle or you will be miserable in marriage. I was lucky, most are not. Nothing can be worse for those of us into S&M than a vanilla wife or girlfriend. I turned my wife to the dark side well before we were married. One thing I found helpful, although it might label you as a pervert as it did me, is to let women know what you are into indirectly by the jokes you tell or things you say. For instance, if a girl told me to kiss her ass after a remark I made, I would tell her that I would do more than kiss it if she wanted to. That let her and anyone else around, know that I was kinky. I would also say things like "You should beat my butt for doing that" or similar. In other words, I did not act vanilla and I talked about sex a lot using double entendres and sexual jokes. I was the guy that parents forbade their daughters to date, but they would date me to rebel. I attracted the bad girls and some of the good ones who wanted to experience being bad. I was lectured by my school principal and parish priest about my evil sexual ways when I was 11. After we married, my wife ran into an old friend. When she told her friend who she married, her friend exclaimed, "You married that pervert?". I did not hide my sexual preferences because I knew what I wanted. Hope it works out for you too. It can happen. I never dreamed that I would be married and sharing a girlfriend with my wife with both of them sexually dominating me. As I said, I tend to have things go my way but suspect that much of that is due to with my gift of being able to see ways to get to where I want to be. That is my genius and what has made my life good in all areas. I had to wait until I was 27 to get a good sadist to my masochist. However, it was worth the wait. Just keep on trying and don't marry a vanilla woman. You will never be happy if you do. I understand you and just want you to know that things can work out for you. Sometimes even the bad things end up having positive effects on your life. My life is the sum of all good AND bad things that ever happened to me. Without the bad things I do not think my life would be as good as it is.
As with the above comments, you may be wasting your time specifically looking for a partner into BDSM. You may be better off dating "normally", but looking for more sexually adventurous women. You would be surprised how many women are into kinky stuff. It can take years for relationships to develop to the point at which you may achieve your kinky end goal!
I would follow LockedPorn advice, it is more likely to find a "normal dating" girl that will hopefully understand and meet your likings than to meet a partner into BDSM that will couple with your desires.
That is what I said but it took me 1,000 words to do so. Maybe that is why I spent a lot of my sex life gagged. My wife actually has two gags in the living room and when I get too chatting she puts one on me for some peace and quiet.
Thanks to all of you for your comments, they are so helpful, especially Vinny, thank you for your story, I believe bad things happen for good too, and I will be patient and give it all the time it needs