What is the single most valuable lesson you have learned

Over the time my relationship with my Keyholder evolved I learned a lot. I learned a lot about my body while trying new things and pushing boundaries.

The most valuable thing I learned, was that this whole Journey isn't about me, fulfilling my kinks and getting my Keyholder to do things for me. At the start is was a fun fulfillment of one of my kinks. Some days in chastity, getting frustrated I couldn't orgasm and neglecting my Keyholder.
Lucky for me my Keyholder is veeeery patient and a good friend. Over the years we tried again and again. Every time a little bit longer, a little bit more focused.

In the last 3 months something changed. I had a 4 week locking session, and it wasn't about me anymore. It was purely about her. I was doing things on my own, without her telling me. She always wants a picture of me locked every day. So I stopped taking boring pictures. I got creative to lighten her day. Complicated positions, funny pictures, me in the skirt she likes me wearing...

And then I got out of the cage. Well. I went back to my normal routine. Porn and masturbating. But I got this feeling something was wrong. I missed the cage. And I really missed my Keyholder. Over the years I really bonded with her. Not in a sexual way. Our friendship just grew stronger. Well. After 3 days I told her that it felt weird. She laughted and asked me if I wanted to be locked again. I loved that moment. With glee I said yes and I was locked again.

We I spend more time with her, paying more attention to her needs. Small stuff. Carriing extra bags, refilling her glass, pick up stuff she drops, asking about her day and small gifts.

She already does A LOT. Putting up with me, keeping contact with me and caring about me, trusting me and caring enough about me that she keeps the keys. She got burnt with other persons that asked to hold the keys. She's done with that. I'm now the only one, and it's only fair I give the best I can she has a nice day. I trust her to hell and back. I probably never trusted someon that much. I hope our friendship and relationship will last many years.

So. TL;DR, I learned that it's not about me. It's all about her. I want her to be happy.

 

The #1 thing i have learned from our FLR, is that my wife/KH not only has the looks in our relationship, but also the brains!

I used to consider myself smarter than her because i have read a whole bunch of books. I can spit out all kinds of useless history knowledge. My wife cant even tell you who fought in WWII.

History aside though, i have learned that my wife is actually a lot smarter than me in all other aspects of life. Since she has taken over our relationship, it has run a lot smoother. Our daily schedules are a lot less hectic now that she has sole control of them. Our finances are much better off. We rarely ever fight or bicker anymore. The house maintains a relatively high level of cleanliness. And i feel she has molded me into a better person, both mentally and physically.

I know the FLR is a team effort, but without her leadership and her intelligence, i would be much worse off.

 

be careful what you wish for...

 

This is breathtaking to read!!! I'm over here swooning over your growth and realization within your bond with your Mistress.

 

Stepping back so she can discover what her dominant 'style' is at her pace, as opposed to trying to manipulate it through gentle( and sometimes not so gentle) 'topping from the bottom'.

 

Before you make a wish, be sure you have considered all of the ways in which things might go.

 

Everyone is mirroring my experience too. It's not about you at all. If she wants sex she gets sex. If she wants coffee she gets coffee and she shouldn't have to ask, the service should always be offered. That's real submission. Being a brat is kinky and fun but it's not conducive to a great FLR.

 

I would put the same point a little differently. I learned that I needed to be thinking about our marriage and my KH as my wife all the time. Chores are important but not as important as that. The key thing is to be constantly thinking about things you can do to improve the marriage and make her happy. Happier. When I read the paper I am looking for things she would like to know. When I plan date nights I am thinking about what she would like to see or hear. Same when I plan our week's menu. She understands all this and almost never gives me explicit instructions, and when she does, it is understood that I get no points from doing stuff that she has had to tell me to do. I am expected to figure all that stuff out.

This is just the type of husband I want to be. I would never have gotten here without chastity (and this website). Thank you all.

 

Actually I realize I should have put the point a little differently (though I certainly believe everything I have said here.) What I mean is that whatever I am doing, walking through the city, reading a magazine, talking with a friend, watching Youtube, part of my brain is always looking for ways to add to my marriage or make my wife happier. Always. That's what chastity taught me to do. And I love doing it.

 

Not necessarily a lesson, but my favorite part of this has been seeing my Wife blossom with a new level of confidence and carry herself with that in a way that others have noticed as well.
She wasn’t shy or anything before, but this lifestyle and sexual power swap has just agreed with her and given her something extra. If I got nothing else from living like this, it would be worth it to me to see her so happy, strong, sexy and confidence beaming!

 

Ask no questions and obey...

 

1. Don't get pissy with her about anything.
2. Don't get the dice out after a release. It makes her mad. She'll get them out and roll them when she's ready. (We use a dice game to determine my next release & orgasm.)
3. Don't ask her for the key & to play with me. The answer is "No".

 

Affection and touching is it's own enjoyable experience and does not need to lead to sex.

 

The biggest lesson I’ve learned through FLR is that I’ve had to retrain my mind from decades of subliminal (and not so subliminal programming) that males are superior to women. Society tells men in so many different ways that men are the stronger, better, smarter sex. It only led to a lifetime of emptiness and want. The need to always conquer left me unfulfilled. I suspect it leaves most unfulfilled but men are too scared to relinquish this illusion of control and power.

When I realized I was beta, when I realized men in general are beta to women, and I retrained my mind to put my wife first and think of her first and foremost, it allowed me to realign my place in society among all women. The second I started thinking all women were first in my mind, that was the second that emptiness went away. I felt warm and content knowing it was okay… no… it was proper that I didn’t treat women like anything else than goddesses.

Now I find fulfillment in supporting all women whenever I can. For example, I dare not look at a woman in public. I know the male gaze can make women uncomfortable so I respect their privacy and don’t try to check them out or flirt with them. I simply hold doors for them if I’m entering/exiting a store. If I see a woman drop something I’m quick to pick it up, I’m quick to be of service, and quick to be on my way. Always helping but making sure I’m not viewed as a threat. If a woman choose to talk to me, I politely engage the conversation until she’s finished and I move on. I try to make women feel safe and empowered around me.

Chastity can be viewed and used as just another sex game for men. It’s the switch, when you change your thinking to be subservient to all women that you find peace. Gone is the anxiety of flirting someone up and trying to score a date, or checking out ex gf’s Instagram pics, etc… it’s replaced by gratitude when my wife lets me lick her pussy.

 

Totally agree with this. Currently going through a difficult patch in life and our relationship intimacy hasn’t dwindled, it’s fallen completely off the radar almost instantaneously. This is a new experience and has been difficult to understand just how I feel about it… with all this going on, there is now not one part of me that would consider I need to have any sort of sexual encounter to reevaluate the situation. I just want to feel that warmth of the close connection again. My penis does not even factor into the equation.

 

I think, the biggest lesson (or perhaps understanding) I have come to would be this: there is no going back!
Once you have committed to chastity becoming part of your lifestyle and truly putting your partners needs abound your own, that can’t be undone. The things you learn, the emotions you experience, the pleasure it brings.. you could remove the cage, but you can’t forget how your partner would want it to be.

example: accepting intercourse only when my wife feels wholly in that moment, well that’s shown it’s a lot less than I would have imagined. Could I remove the cage and persuade her to increase the frequency? Yes. Would that feel satisfying knowing it was now about my needs and not hers? I’m not so sure.

 

I used to do all these things before chastity. The only exception was looking at women from a distance and when they weren't looking. I objectified women for my personal arousal but never directly or when anyone would notice.

I think women want to be noticed for the people they are. They don't want me checking out their body parts. They want to be recognized as a whole person worthy of respect and admiration. That is common to all men (men and women collectively). That has nothing to fo with flirting. I think most women are suspicious of men who appear to ignore them by not looking at them.

 

For me it's the realization that I only get to orgasm when she says I can, instead of 3 to 4 times a day

 

If it helps to know you're not alone, you're not alone. I have been going through something like this fairly regularly, although probably not to the same extent as others here, and probably not for the same reasons.

Exactly this. I'm not entirely sure what my opinion on this topic is, but I know I'm stuck. It is slightly depressing, but also slightly comforting ... and all at the same time. And regardless, it is what it is and no longer my choice of what to do about it.

 

Flirting, if done well, is the ultimate acknowledgement and celebration of who someone is.

A playful dance acknowledging someone's person, mind and sexuality with full understanding it can't or doesn't need to go anywhere. Flirting can be done with a motive, to seduce for a deeper relationship, but should probably be started as a light dance of

Best done, it's an innocent interaction that leaves one feeling appreciated desired and attractive. Poorly done and it's oogling, insulting, and an attempt at self-centered seduction.

 

IB-Chaste said: ↑
I think, the biggest lesson (or perhaps understanding) I have come to would be this: there is no going back!
Once you have committed to chastity becoming part of your lifestyle and truly putting your partners needs abound your own, that can’t be undone.

I am coming to this realization. Over the weekend my wife said we are not going back. It is sinking in with me day by day, as I consider and realize the implications, pros and cons and what feels right.

 

Yeah I’d like to clarify I don’t go out of my way to not look at them. I act normal and polite… As you said, I just make sure not to look at women when they aren’t looking. I don’t want to objectify them in my mind. I don’t linger with a stare, I don’t dare look at cleavage or turn my head to see their butt.

As the inferior sex, it’s wrong to use women’s bodies for my own selfish arousal. When I accepted that and accepted I was beta, I became content and happy as I mentioned in my original post.

 

I think many that have found themselves on similar paths at some point, share the same thoughts as all of you. We are not there, yet, but given enough time, perhaps it does evolve on a similar path. I agree that once you change your mindset, and truly let go, that's when it'll happen...over time. And it's okay if it doesn't, each has their own reason for where they are at, but I enjoy the insights all of you share. I'd assume it's normal to have these ups/downs, you've given something up for what has proven for your relationships, to improve them.

It would seem none of us are alone, as we find our way down this path, and am grateful to those that share those insights of what they're truly experiencing.

 

I really appreciate your perspective! You obviously have been giving this a lot of careful thought.

Like a fingerprint, everyone is different when it comes to chastity. Their circumstances, their past and any baggage that comes with it, their partner or lack thereof, their partner's past, their past with their partner, their age, their health status, genitalia size, cage fit, etc. So many factors affect how and why they use or don't use chastity in their relationship. I can see benefits for almost anyone using chastity, but it's taken 1+ years of studying, experiencing, and listening to others to begin to grasp the complexities of it. No wonder it takes so long for most to figure it out. And no wonder so many try and give up. I think that's why their is so much beauty in it!

 

Well said! It is always about communication even when the power dynamic is not equal. It IS important for submissive’s to be listened to. We are people with ideas and opinions. We may not get our “way” but to be heard? ❤️