What do I want from this?

Discussion in 'Novices and newbies' started by LockedByG, Jan 4, 2018.

  1. LockedByG
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    LockedByG Member

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    Hello everyone,
    first of all, sorry for sharing such a personal story but I would really maybe like to get some opinions from people who went through something similar already. About two years ago I introduced my beloved Miss to chastity. She was absolutely vanilla and seemed hesitant at first, but came to like it eventually (genuinely, I think). We used it occassionaly, not permanently at all. She said that this year, she would like to use it more, which made me very happy... for about 4 days.

    I was locked until today, when she unlocked me and ruined my orgasm. I introduced her to that practice myself and most of the time I would like it I think. But this time it made me feel so down and almost depressed. When she saw how sad I was, she apologized, which made me feel like a complete idiot. Here I am, asking for something and when I get it, I feel sad instead of happy, making her worried as well.

    The thing is, she is not some kind of porn mistress which would laugh in my face and maybe beat me after being so sad and whiny about it. She loves me and I love her. I don't think she can be that mean to me and I am also not sure if it would help my feelings and our "real life" relationship at all. I am trying to talk this through with her but it's hard when it seems like I don't even know what I want. She understands that I like it when she is mean to me in bed, but bringing chastity into the mix almost feels like wanting her to be mean to me all the time.

    I would appreciate any ideas, opinions, tips or experiences which you might have. Thanks!
     
  2. DonnaSue
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    DonnaSue Active member

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    Open communications is the key. The whole point is to learn about what the other person really feels and to discuss your (and her) reactions to it. The more of that you can do, the more satisfying the experience will be, IMHO.
     
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  3. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    Denying yourself orgasms and erections isn’t normal. Ignoring the desires of a loved one isn’t normal either. It will take time for you both to adjust.

    The success of this depends mostly on you and your reactions. You have to commit to letting her decide what is best and being ok with that. Especially if she lets you out and gives you pleasure. Sometimes chastity isn’t just about handling the denial, sometimes it’s about handling your release. Many here have wanted their partner to push them further, be harsher, or be upset with post orgasm let down. This puts her in an odd situation. She wants to take control for you, but your attitude restricts her choice. She shouldn’t feel obligated to either let you out OR keep you caged. Once she sees that she can use her property whenever she wants, or not use it, she will start to feel less guilt.

    Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but since this is something she is doing for you, you are going to have to be the one to really work on making her feel comfortable in the role you’ve asked her to fill. I know communication is always good, but until she has her feet firmly planted, you might need to buck up and let her know (and act like) that what ever she decides is what makes you happy.

    When she truly lets go of guilt and knows that pleasing her is your happiness, she will be confident in every decision. I suggest some texts during the day. Let her know how much you appreciate all that she is doing for you, tell her how much you think of her all day. Make her feel good about whatever decision she may have made...she soon will know that it isn’t just about you and your kinks, it’s about her coming first. Once she knows that for certain, she will come to terms with her needs being met and it may not have anything to do with yours.

    Be patient, it may not be a quick process. Some are born to nurture and being sexually selfish isn’t something that comes easy.

    Just know, once she has felt this confidence in her needs being THE priority, it is likely not going to switch back.

    Good luck
     
  4. Mash2214
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    Mash2214 Locked today, tomorrow, forever

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    Your on the right track. Communicating with her about what you think you may want even if your not sure. Every relationship takes time to develop. Time to grow in Love with each other, as most wedding vows say for Better and for Worse.

    Every marriage goes through times like this but if your relationship is built on Love, Honour and Respect you'll find what's the right arrangement for you. If it includes chastity or not what's important is your bond together.

    I've been with my wife for 38 years and our love is stronger now than ever. Yes we still have bumps in the road but we know we'll get through them Together.

    Have Faith in each other.
     
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  5. Mistress Jules
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    Mistress Jules Professional Dominatrix and Owner of Lockit
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    I think she probably could be that mean. However if when she has done something you obviously don't like it or complain, then it can make her wonder why she bothers.

    It took me quite some time to get to the stage of ignoring how my subs felt about what I did. The rules had been discussed the limits set, everything in between was safe, sane and consensual so if they didn't like it, that was just tough. They had asked for it in the first place.

    It can be very difficult to get to that frame of mind when someone obviously doesn't like something they have asked for.

    Only time, communication and playing about with different scenarios will get you through this. Hopefully you can have some fun on the way.

    Good luck
     
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  6. LockedByG
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    LockedByG Member

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    Thank you all @Nicoftime, @Mash2214, @Mistress Jules, @Allen1987, @DonnaSue for taking the time to write such thorough responses. I really appreciate it, this truly is a great community. I went through them once and will do it a several more times and try to draw some conclusion to make myself better for her and for our relationship.
     
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  7. guest 2942
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    guest 2942 Long term member

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    IMO you asked her to be in charge of your orgasms. You also told her you like ruined ones. So my take is that you have to accept whatever you are given. You may not always like it but thats how this works in a nut shell. But no worries, its completely ok to be upset when you dont get what you want or even when you do get what you want. In the beginning it will be an emotional time for both of you. I think the best thing to do is to communicate to her about what happened so that she doesnt feel as though she did anything wrong. Let her know why you felt that way or if you dont know why maybe talk through it.
     
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  8. filltee
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    filltee Junior Member

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    You told her you like ruined orgasms... wow maybe like was the wrong word.
    I can't add anything meaningful to the excellent advice you have already acknowledged.

    I'll just reiterate the best maxim I think all on this site could have. Communication is vital and to communicate you both have to be prepared to listen without interruption remain calm and ensure brain is in gear before mouth.
    Also do not forget to listen to what the other person means and not always what they actually say.
    The hardest thing is sometimes is recognise that a person might say something that they just want to say and they don't always want a reply or a fix they just wanted it out there.
    And TTTWD there is no right way or wrong way only your way.
     
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  9. Mandynjack
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    Mandynjack Active member

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    This really resonates with Mandy and i. The discipline of the sub is so key to making these relationships work. Mistress Jules is quite correct is reminding us slaves that we have a commitment to the rules and should ensure we never put our Mistresses in a position whereby they feel guilty. When you work so hard to enable your Mistress to be free, accept that when things feel a little off to you, exhibiting these negative behaviours may well set you right back. Slave up!
     
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  10. Roy_UK
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    Roy_UK New member

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    Nicoftime and Mistress Jules have the answers I would have given,

    On a different note and personal to me as someone new to chastity is that at first it seemed glorious heaping affection on my wife that I had neglected in the past and she positively glowed.
    Then about 3 months in of being locked I kind of hit a wall (I was locked on 23/8/17) , it affected my state of mind, a strange kind of depression set in where I was constantly wondering what I was doing in life.

    My wife picked up on it earlier than me and made me talk, after all I thought it was normal.
    We sat and talked and decided I set my goals too far.

    If I could say anything as a newcomer it is all about small steps, being open and honest.
     
  11. MVee
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    MVee New member

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  12. LockedByG
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    LockedByG Member

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    That is interesting, that may be something like i experienced. Thank you for sharing!

    To the others, thank you for sharing your opinions as well. Thinking about it now, a few days after it happened, it almost makes me feel ashamed, like i wasn't "sub enough", that i made my Miss feel guilty, just like @Mandynjack mentioned. But at that time, i was feeling really down and even as a sub, i still have feelings, don't i.

    After reading your posts and thinking about them, i decided to talk it through with my loved one again today. I will ask her about how it made her feel and let her know how it made me feel. Hopefully we will happily work it out! Have a good day everyone
     
  13. jemima
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    jemima maid for my Mistress

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    @LockedByG really you shud be happy i think cos least your Mistress is doing something for you. Lots of folk on here gets fed up cos they dont get anything. well some not lots.
     
  14. MadamBelle
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    MadamBelle Active member

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    I just posted a thread asking these things. Mine has changed jobs, has different schedule. So things are different. I feel even when I put forth effort he gets his and I just help. Last few times if I've gotten off its due to me. It's gone back to the way it was before chastity. He also takes his cage off whenever he likes.. I don't understand because when we started this he wanted submission for him and dominance from me. Now I feel like I'm just a pawn in his game. He does get me off when I ask him to, if he doesn't fall asleep first, it's not like how it was in the beginning... I don't know how to address it and I really don't know how he feels about me anymore... I try to talk to him.. he stays silent.. then he just gets mad when I want an answer, I know he's getting mad because I know I'm being naggy.. But the reason I say anything is because I thought we were being honest. Itwas AMAZING the first few months... But now, he would rather be on his phone looking at whatever or talking to others than me... And I'll even say that's from my perspective... Due to the fact when others are around he generally won't answer the phone, or text even when it's from me... But in the next breathe he tells me I'm important to him... Ive told him what I need for him to help alleviate my issues and when he knows there is a session about to happen he listens. But for the last few days, I've been on my period, and he show no interest in me at all. He just gets angry at me and then the time we have is wasted... It's happened more and more recently. He just blames me... The only time he'll admit to the issues ringing true is when he knows he'll get off. I am feeling bitter and do not know what to do. I'm hoping bitching on here will show him that I am bothered and create a change... But who knows. The way things are going it'll just annoy him.. I feel like that's the only emotion he has genuinely shown me lately.
     
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  15. Mandynjack
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    Mandynjack Active member

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    COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE! This is not a genuine loving commitment, this is him getting his rocks off on his terms. In my world, this is a betrayal of trust and a broken promise. No-one should be fucking around with your emotions in such a shoddy manner. So; Woman Up! Retake the emotional high ground and let him know, you're his wife, not his fantasy fest bint. Go full indifference on him over this and go full vanilla. YOU can survive this far longer than he can. Be brave sister.
     
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  16. lockit
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    lockit Advanced Member

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    I actually felt sad reading this. We always hear communication is the key. If he won't talk to you I can't see how you can move forward. This is not just a kink or a game its your life. I hope you can have a sit down talk and work things out. All I can do is wish well I wish I could do more.
     
  17. filltee
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    filltee Junior Member

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    Madame Bell
    There are of course a variety of ways you can go from here and some good advice has already been offered.
    From the outside looking in it looks to me like he is either bored with chastity play or deliberately trying to invoke a strong reaction rather than discuss his issues.

    I see something else too that come to mind...and I'll say it before it becomes the so called elephant in the room... maybe he just wants you to tell him to fuck off... not everyone knows how to ask for or suggest the ending a relationship.

    Whatever .... like it not its time to talk because you need to be fair to yourself and know just wexactly what his handle is on all this and right now it seem like he has the initiative and you are out in the cold.
     
  18. MadamBelle
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    MadamBelle Active member

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    @filltee , yesterday I pretty much said the same thing. Why are we here, I'm feeling unhappy and I don't think you care!! I had him read both of my posts.. I also asked him what he wanted and told him why I liked chastity and why now I felt like it was only for him... After our talk before work he put on his cage, (without me asking him to) took out the garbage and then last night took very good care of me. ;) I think that I have been too easy on him regarding edging into cumming.. even if it's ruined. And I am going to get a contract that we can both agree to. After last night, I believe we are back on track or at least looking in the right direction. I thank all of you for your advice and insight because I think him reading this stuff here, makes it real, more than just a complaint to him.
     
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  19. Mandynjack
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    Mandynjack Active member

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    Well I hope things work out for you. You need to keep the heat on, so important you break him a little and establish your authority.
     
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  20. JiL
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    JiL servitude4u

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    "what do I want from this ?" seems like it can be a constant struggle at times. When you comingle other dynamics like still having to raise a child, both of us are still working full time, She travels and is gone for work a great deal, menopause, financial issues, and more recently ongoing health issues(for her), things can get a bit dicy real quick. It may limit some of what you (I) were hoping to get from this, I do so much, feel like a slave and refer to myself as a slave, which sometimes She likes, and sometimes makes Her feel guilty, which is the last thing I want. She did admit to me yesterday that being a Key Holder does make Her feel pressure from time to time, which I felt bad to hear. However, just a few days prior I asked Her if She saw us bringing our FLR and chastity to an end at anytime down the road in life, and her response was no, not until I'm really really old, which isn't anytime soon. So I guess it can't be too bad for Her. If I can learn to live with expecting nothing for myself from this, than I seldom feel upset or rejected. With that in mind, anything I may or may not receive is now perceived as a gift and special time.
     
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  21. Mandynjack
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    Mandynjack Active member

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    Hang in there hunny, it sounds like you both still have a strong bond and that's pretty cool. Take care. Nil illegitimi carborundum!
     
  22. filltee
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    filltee Junior Member

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    Sounds like he might have seen the light. You just will have to wait and see if he can keep up what he has appeared to have re-started.

    You are the KH your rules... better put would be ... Its to be Your way or the Highway.
     
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  23. Felix cum ea
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    Felix cum ea Vanilla Chaste

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    Coming back to:
    Well newcomer @Roy_UK , even for less-newcomers you hit the nail on the head! :+1::):+1::)
    I very much like your approach: there should be no rush, no need to hurry, it is a journey you both take at your own pace.:cool:
    And like with boy scout camps earlier; when you walk in (or with) a group, you adjust your pace to the slowest.
    I'm not telling that you shouldn't encourage the slowest to speed up a little, but just keep off the pressure and all will be good!:love:
     
  24. MadamBelle
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    MadamBelle Active member

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    A contract is the way to go. That way there won't be any confusion. :)
     
  25. filltee
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    filltee Junior Member

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    I have mixed feelings about contracts but in your particular case I think MadamBelle is absolutely right. Tie him up with a contract you have written
     
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