Want it all, but will have to settle

Discussion in 'Novices and newbies' started by Design is me, Jun 27, 2018.

  1. Design is me
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    Design is me Long term member

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    I am new to the site, but have an all too common problem . I have been married for twenty years and have masturbated through the entire time. I have used toys and porn and whatever kinky thing I could come up with.
    Six months ago I came across this site and decided i could appease my kinky urges and please my wife at the same t!me. Seemed like a win win. I confessed to my wife that I was cunning up to 3 times a day and that was causing me to be mean to her and resent her. She agreed to an informal FLR arrangement, but she didn't want to call it anything. She is quite vanilla. I rub her feet and give her back massages along with its of the house work. I get to make her cum during the week and I am allowed to only cum inside her on the weekend.
    It has gone well and she does like the attention, but I want to be locked in a cage and I want her to have the key. I lock myself up on some days when I feel like I will cheat and I love the feeling. This is also without her knowledge.
    She is very much against the cage. She also complains about the pressure she feels having to deal with me.
    I don't know what to do. I try to talk about it with her but it usually just pisses her off. I feel like I'm cheating on her with using the cage, but it does keep me from masterbating.
    Any ideas would help.
     
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  2. LesterBallard
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    LesterBallard Long term member

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    Some people just aren't in to it. If you've already raised the subject a few times and each time you've had the same response then I'm afraid that's probably that. Continuing to raise the subject is only going to alienate her.

    Ask yourself why the cage is so important. It is the act of chastity we all seek, the submission to our women and the devotion to their needs. That is the goal. Yet many on here fetishise the means to that goal, the cage itself. Really that should only be a device to make our task easier but often the act of being caged becomes an end in itself.

    It doesn't need to be. You can still achieve chastity and submit to your wife's will without it. Just serve her.
     
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  3. Design is me
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    Design is me Long term member

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    Thank you. Your advice. I am currently doing what you suggest and serving her. She has always been in charge anyway. We have had some incredible sexual experiences since we started and it has helped me treat her better.
    I like wearing the cage because I crave the kinky aspect of it. Without it i start to wander toward dildos and other kinky things behind her back which puts me back to square one.
    The cage helps keep me grounded and wanting to serve her. She is gone for four days right now and left me without an O for over two weeks. That's the longest i have been without. I want to tell her when she gets back that the cage helped me get through it and stay faithful to her.
    I don't know.
     
  4. filltee
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    filltee Junior Member

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    I cant help feeling that a few foot and back rubs and some help with the housework scarcely begins to atone for your prior selfish masturbatory behaviour. I don't think you realise how much some women resent what you have been doing. They can take it as a personal rejection, and 3 a day may potentially build up a lot of resentment.

    You have I think to make a real effort to stop thinking about what she can do for you and much more about what you do for her to see you and your efforts in a more favourable light.

    You have an uphill struggle ahead, one i feel you have brought upon yourself but with effort, due diligence and a clear end to your selfishness you may turn things around.

    Don't ask for an orgasm and when the opportunity arises forgo them and tell her you dont feel as though you want one until she considers you have made amends and changed your behaviour for her and not get anything other from her than her control and respect.

    Worth a shot I think if you think your marriage is,
     
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  5. luckyhubby83
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    luckyhubby83 Long term member

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    Slow down. Let her adjust to everything. Show her what she has to gain from all this and ask for nothing in return. She will slowly see that there is much to gain from minimal to moderate effort on her part.
    Stop wearing the cage till she is on board with it. That could blow up everything you have at present if you do things she does not want yet. And that’s not really a FLR if you are going against her wishes.

    Patience is almost always the best play. See where things are in a few months and reassess.
     
  6. L-u-c-y
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    Staff Member Owner of Chastity Mansion Administrator Verified Female

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    Have you ever thought about taking up a hobby?

    Not meaning to sound flippant, but if you are finding time to relieve yourself 3 times a day you must have too much time on your hands.

    The devil finds work for idle hands :)
     
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  7. bondinchas
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    bondinchas Long term member

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    What you shouldn't do is focus on the cage, especially when talking with your wife.
    Focus on what you can do for her, what she wants.

    If she mentions the cage, just say how it's helping you to be unselfish and to focus on her needs.
    What you don't say is "I'm doing it because of the cage", you say "I'm doing it because of you".
    It's a subtle but important difference, put yourself in her place from her point of view. Do you want your partner focused on their own kink, or on yourself? because the first is what it can sound like, and that can be quite a turn off.

    All the cage is, is a tool that you use to stop your mind getting focused on your own sexual gratification. Yes, it's going to remind you very frequently about your own sexuality, but the first thought will be "I can't do that with my cage on, what can I do for my wife?"
    Get into the right mindset and it becomes much easier.

    Given time, when she sees the changes in you for the better, then she'll embrace you being in chastity (and you may unleash the genie from the bottle!)
     
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  8. Design is me
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    Design is me Long term member

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    Believe it or not but I have to many hobbies I build wood strip kayaks and paddle boards, and the paddles. My oldest son and I are building a bass guitar this summer. I do quite a bit of leather work and have made many sheaths for the knives i build from scratch. I could go on, but it only takes a few minutes to cum.
    i will just be patient and hope she continues to accept my attention.....at least when I'm not working on my many hobbies.
     
  9. Design is me
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    Design is me Long term member

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    I like what you are saying,but I agree with other s and need to be patient .I just hope one day to unleash the genie from the bottle.
     
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  10. Retired
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    Retired Locked 6 years Nov 2018

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    Pretty typical wife behavior. I tried about 3 times until I found a way that worked for us. My wife's idea of being dominant is cooking me a meal and washing all the dishes and then asking me for a foot massage. I have given up on changing her. She is a people pleaser and she will never change or wants to.

    What worked for me was to not start off talking about chastity. I talked about tantric sex and how it was supposed to make my orgasms more intense if I did not have one every time we had sex. So I just asked her if she would just play with me, have her own orgasm but not let me have one. I would then have one the next time we had sex. The orgasm was more intense but I admit to acting it up a little so that she could see a big difference. We did that for a while before I told her I wanted to see how it would feel if I waited longer. Why not she said. This was not making it seem weird to her and unknowingly she was being conditioned to have sex focused only on her orgasm and as a result of not having to worry about me, she had more of them and they were more intense. I brought her attention to this.

    We went like this for a few more weeks until we talked about waiting a month before my orgasm while my wife could have her anytime she wanted to since it made me more horny and contributed to the intensity of my orgasm. She agreed but I told her that I could not promise her that I could restrain from masturbating that long but have read about chastity devices. She looked at the CB6000s and told me to get one if I wanted to. It was her decision but I led her to it. The ears of the dommes her must be ringing as I write this. :)

    So I got the CB6000s, took about 3 months before I could wear it 24/7 and I demonstrated how much more loving and obedient I was when kept sexually aroused all the time. My obvious sexual desire for her made her feel like the sexiest woman in the world and in bed she would giggle at my sexual frustration and said she was having some of the best orgasms of her life in her sixties. This from a woman who prefers sex with women. I think the fact that she did not have to mess with my man parts much appealed to her. Yet she had great orgasms, mostly from her vibrator but sometimes from oral sex which, as she reminds me, will never be as good as a vibrator. In other words she was getting into it and we kept extending my orgasm denial period and the most we went was 4 months. I learned that if I go too long without an orgasm, when I do have it, it is not very good or worth it. The ideal time for me is 4-6 weeks but two or three months will work most times.

    I always suggest that you do the chastity part first and leave out the FLR or any D/s stuff. You are piling too much on her and FLR does not have to have anything to do with chastity. Chastity play can stand on its own. So by just getting her used to chastity I was able to get her into domestic discipline and some BDSM stuff. I have had three women dominate me since I was 19 and with each of them it started out as me teaching them until they felt confident to cut the cord and no longer have me teach them anymore. The way that worked was taking baby steps. A playful spanking can easily be turned into a harder spanking which then could turn into a paddling and whipping. I never showed up with a singe tail whip and expected her to tear the flesh off of my butt and back. It was baby steps and if necessary acting a little to provide positive reinforcement. That is how most people are trained. They tend to want to do the thing that provide them with positive results.

    One subtle thing I did was whenever my wife denied me an orgasm, I thanked her. When she let me orgasm I never thanked her and would often say I wish I did not have an orgasm because it was not worth it. She quickly caught one that she was pleasing me more by denying me. She is a great keyholder now. We set no orgasm denial limits. She just keeps an eye on me and if she thinks I am in mental or physical distress, will let me orgasm. I still lead the marriage as I have always felt the person most qualified to do so should lead, whether a male or female. It makes no sense to let someone run a marriage based on their gender. I am more educated and knowledgeable than my wife and have done a great job running our life and treating my wife as an equal. We never did anything unless we both agreed on it.

    So try a subtle and simpler approach. Do not throw too much at your wife at one time. Guide her in the direction you want her to go by making her see the benefits of doing so. Contrary to what we read online and see in porn, most women do not want to dominate men. If they did there would not be so many professional Mistress out there. Baby steps have always worked well for me. Give it a try.
     
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  11. Design is me
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    Design is me Long term member

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    I agree with what you are saying. My wife is similar. She has an aversion to anything that is different. I will take it in small steps and see.
     
  12. Mash2214
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    Mash2214 Locked today, tomorrow, forever

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    A simple solution to curbing your Masterbation habit is find something that you did not enjoy at all. Every time you play with your self you get disciplined.

    A hard strapping, a riding crop to your soft cock, having to consume your cum, having your mouth washed out with soap, but plug with bengay on it, anything that is uncomfortable and unwanted that you totally don’t want to happen. Over time you masterbation will decrease without a Chastity cage.

    Or she could just securely lock you up for months at a time.
     
  13. filltee
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    filltee Junior Member

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    Having so many diverse hobbies is commendable but perhaps that is something to consider in relation to you wanting something from your wife. All those hobbies really are for you (unless they involve your children) now if you were to consider applying more of that time as attention top your wife and her needs. wishes etc which includes ( dare I say it) spending time with her and just communicating generally (phew the macho goblins did not get me) you might be able to make more progress on the FLR front. Might IF you put in the time and effort into your wife and you relationship first.
     
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  14. Design is me
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    Design is me Long term member

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    That is true. Our marriage barely made it through the first kayak. I now do most of my hobbies in the morning before she wakes. I only need 5 hours of sleep which leaves me about 2 hours each morning to workout or work on hobbies. That is also the time I have gotten in trouble with masterbating issue.
    I am currently on 2 and half weeks without an orgasm. It certainly leaves me with more time for productive tasks. I just need some help now and again because I am not perfect.
     
  15. Design is me
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    Design is me Long term member

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    i wish she would do those things to me. I have been good for 2 and half weeks now. It's the days right after I have an orgasm that I am most tempted.
     
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