I've learned that in the vanilla dating world, just because a woman and I have shared interests does not necessarily mean that she will want to date me...of course, there are other important factors involved. However, for some reason it has taken me a lot more effort to realize that a woman may not want to engage in a D/s dynamic solely by virtue of the fact that we have shared interests in kink. It should be trivial to understand that this is the case, but for some reason it's difficult for me to. I wonder why...
Yes this is strange, I have found that every sub who messages me thinks I will be interested just because he's a sub. It's like if you were a member of a website about gardening and thinking that every female member will be interested in you because you like plants.
At the most basic level, yes that is an accurate example and there are many more examples as well However, on a deeper level I can see how the intimate and at least somewhat sexual nature of kink would make shared interests in that specific area unique to other vanilla interests such as gardening or cooking. I think a more honest comparison would be expecting a woman I'd meet on a gardening website to be interested in gardening with me (as opposed to a relationship, expecting a woman I'd meet on a cooking site to be interested in cooking with me, expecting a woman I meet on a music site to be interested in playing in a band with me... Which leads to an expectation of a woman I'd meet on a kink site to be interested in being kinky with me? This is me possibly over-analyzing again...
Yes, I think you're analyzing yourself into a corner again; life is not so cut, dry, and formulaic... Building off this in a way I hope makes sense for you. Have you always liked and engaged with every single one of your classmates, within your major? Chances are, if you're taking the same types of classes, you're there for a shared purposed... but that has absolutely nothing to do with you being involved with one another. I've taken tons of classes in My academic career and I've only fully engaged with a handful of students over those years. Just because we all enjoy the same subject does not mean we all gel with each other. The search for compatibility, especially in kink, is not an exercise in immediate gratification; quite the opposite actually.
Just because I want some ice cream, doesn't mean I'm going to go to every ice cream shop in town for a banana split... So I'm not sure if "...every single one" is relevant in this situation. I certainly do not have a desire to engage with every single one of my classmates in law school...but at the same time, it would be a little strange for me to not have the desire to engage with anyone who I know shares, at least on the most basic level, my academic interests. I do have the desire to engage with those I believe are intelligent and sharpen my legal skills. And when I do engage with a colleague, it doesn't even mean that I'm going to go get a beer with them after class, just like it doesn't mean that I'm gonna go shoot hoops or play a round of golf with someone I meet on a kink-site. I'm sure I wouldn't like everyone on this site simply by virtue of the fact that we are technically members on the same site... Just as I don't believe that anyone who has ever joined a dating site has liked, or had the intention of dating, "every single one" who has a profile on that site... or that anyone who has ever joined a recreational club has had the intention of engaging in a given activity with "every single one" who was a member of that club. And, taking the most common and basic example out there, I don't think any human has the desire to engage with every other human by virtue of the fact that we are all humans and live in this world. But every human still has the desire for engagement.
"Every single one" was used for framework; the concept still applies to individual relationships. I'm wondering if you read the rest, or got hung up on that phrase and ran with it... ha. I feel like you answered a bit of your own curiosity with this... ... and this. Just because you engage or are in the same circles, doesn't mean you'll 'click'. Connection takes patience.
I would say it is because a line is crossed. The line between regular "social" interaction and intimacy. In the examples above NONE of them imply that you have shared anything intimate, only like interests. Whether we like it or not sharing our kink is intimate. Once you have that "intimate connection" (even though it is really just a like interest) it becomes easy for the situation to get "confused". What makes this worse (more confusing) is that some practice their kinks with little to no normal "relationship" behavior. So to the outsider it looks like they are willing to engage with anyone, yet that is NOT true. Humans, we are so confusing ...LOL
I definitely read your entire post ...a couple of times over, actually. Keep in mind that my original position is that, just because two people are both members of a given site, doesn't mean either of them should expect the other one to engage with them just by virtue of their common membership; but the caveat is this: both would probably have a desire to engage with another person on that site under the right circumstances. So there are really two extremes, which is illustrated by the example I brought up: On one hand, it would be unrealistic to expect someone who joined a dating site to be interested in dating everyone on that site... However, on the other hand it would be quite bizarre for someone who joined a dating site to have no desire to engage with anyone on that site. I guess the discussion can then shift to, "engage in what capacity"? And as I said, just because there are colleagues of mine who I choose to engage on an academic level with, doesn't mean that I'll also engage on a personal level with them and go out for a beer. There are multiple layers and levels of engagement. The basic realization I was attempting to communicate is that these 'layers and levels' of engagement are no different in the kink-world than they are in the vanilla world. Even though I have previously struggled with coming to that realization.
I think it works in the opposite way -- because kink can be intimate and sexual, I am even *more* picky who I participate in kink with than who I do a vanilla activity with. So you think it's "a little strange" that kinky women don't want to engage with "anyone who shares" their interests? Personally, I think it's strange that you would expect us to. If I responded to every single man who approached me on the various kink/chastity sites I'm part of, I would be spending half my week answering messages. Why do you believe I owe those men my time? So, imagine you're the best student in the most difficult class. Everyone in the class sees you excel, and you get 60 messages asking to study with and be mentored by you. Do you engage with all of them? Why not -- don't you want to "sharpen their skills"?
Again, why is the extreme position of "every single man" being taken? Of course I don't believe you should respond to every single man who approaches you, and certainly you have the right and freedom to not respond to any man who approaches you... My dating website example might not be the most accurate example, because the only purpose of a dating website is to date. There are multiple purposes in this website, for example...one may be to explore potential D/s dynamics, another may be to simply engage in intelligent discussion on various topics surrounding kink in general and chastity in particular, and even another may be to learn and read and not engage in discussion at all...or a combination of all 3! And there are probably more purposes that I didn't even mention.
I probably would not want to engage with every one of them... But again, you're taking the extreme position. Just because I enjoy a good beer doesn't mean I'm going to drink an entire keg.
I was responding to you saying you would engage with "anyone who I know shares, at least on the most basic level, my academic interests." That, to me, sounds like responding to every single person who approaches to you talk about law. It's true that chastity can be more intimate than, say, flogging. But I don't see how talking about chastity is the same as forming an "intimate connection" with someone. Can you explain more what you mean?
Exactly...I said: "It would be a little strange for me to not have the desire to engage with anyone (meaning, it would be strange if I engaged with "no-one") who I know shares, at least on the most basic level, my academic interests." That's not the same thing as: "It would be a little strange for me to not have the desire to engage with EVERYONE (meaning, every single colleague)..." Hope that clarifies
Law school huh? Ya don’t say! I think you’re forgetting the human element of all of this. Forget about kinks interests or what kind of social club it is...remember that the other person is a human, use fore thought and empathize with their situation before engaging. If she is a female in a predominately male group, she may not be interested in engaging with another male. It doesn’t mean you cannot attempt it politely (unless her profile says stay away). Their reasons for not engaging are hers, and frankly none of anyone’s business. There are tons of reasons why someone isn’t comfy talking with another. Be polite, don’t take it personally, and when reaching out try to ask about her (light and vague) not too personal though.
You misunderstood ... I wrote it a bit "simple" Talking to someone about their flower garden at the local gardening store in no way carries intimate connotations in any way. Talking about anything of a sexual nature begins crossing the line of intimacy (meaning that you are sharing something that you don't wish the entire world to know ... not implying some sort of relationship) So when I used the word intimacy I intended it to be defined as ... sharing something that you don't wish the entire world to know. Once you cross the line of sharing intimate details with someone else, a new sense of relationship is formed. This relationship is not necessarily a sexual one, but it is at a higher level then that of the person you met at the garden shop. So for someone that prefers to be in a partnership / relationship it is easy to let your feeling / emotions run away once they share something intimate with someone they are physically attracted to ... this is what @SmartandObedient is struggling with ... he logically knows better, but his emotions are winning the battle. So he was asking what others have done that have these same issues. What they do to help curb their emotions from running toward relationships when / after sharing something intimate like kinks.
I think what most of the women in this thread are reacting to is that we've been approached with this assumption ("we like the same kinks, so we are compatible") many, many times. This will not apply to everyone, but what you will generally find is that dominant women will want a *personality* match before they care about a *kink* match. When we are approached solely on a kink basis, it can feel a bit like the man has no interest as an individual, simply as a dominant woman who is basically interchangeable with any other dominant woman. Thanks for the clarification. I know many women who -- though they are highly sexual and have diverse sexual interests -- will not talk about sex at all with a man, knowing that some men equate sex-related discussions with signaling a desire to have sex with him specifically. So, I think I understand where you're coming from.
My original post was meant to express the fact that I REALIZE that that "...a woman may not want to engage in a D/s dynamic solely by virtue of the fact that we have shared interests in kink." Yes, that's what I said! And I have never wished to engage with a woman on a D/s level purely because she is dominant... Any interest has only been after seeing that someone is intelligent and at least somewhat compatible. I've really attempted to begin making a concerted effort to post more and be more vulnerable and open about who I am, how I feel, and the struggles involved in discovering more about this part of me - yes, there are struggles. Not everyone is perfect...in fact, probably no one is perfect. But I do my best to realize my flaws and to improve them. And I'm actually choking back tears as I write this because I feel that instead of people reacting to my raw honesty in a supportive manner, any small flaw in my thinking process is met with harsh criticism and attacks.
The great thing about places like this is that we can exchange ideas with one another through highly variable experiences. Everyone's mileage will vary, but a (solid) support structure is not simply about holding one's hand - it's about enabling you to look at yourself and your motivators through different lenses. Take a breath and try to reflect on what's been said objectively. Yes, you asked because of personal reasons, but I do not see anyone harshly criticizing you... and certainly no one attacking you.
I do my very best to treat women - whether kinky or not - with respect as individuals who have unique personalities, and I absolutely hate it when men view dominant women as interchangeable and don't appreciate their personalities. I guess this is what honestly caused my reaction of hurt, because even though it might not have been your intention at all, I felt like that mentality that is so disrespectful of women as valuable individuals was somehow being attributed to me (even remotely). So I apologize for over-reacting, and I absolutely agree with your point and appreciate the time taken to provide feedback
As you ended your initial post with "I wonder why..." I think we all took that to mean you wanted to start a discussion about why a woman on a fetish site might not be interested in engaging in D/s with someone, or why/whether D/s interactions are different from vanilla interactions. However, I apologize if you took any of my words as a personal attack. Lack of agreement with some of your statements, yes. Yes, and what I was trying to express in my previous post is that some of the reactions in this thread are not at YOU specifically, but at the MENTALITY that I've seen expressed time and time again. I have sore spots around the treatment that many kinky women experience on the Internet, and when there's even a hint of those attitudes, it can bring out the tiger. I think many submissive men go through exactly your thought processes, especially if they are introduced to kink and femdom through porn or erotica. There's an excitement to experience what they've seen or heard about, a frenzy to find someone to play with, and then some painful lessons and some moments of sobriety as they align their expectations/fantasies to reality.
I see your point, and I must say I've never experienced the "painful lessons" and "moments of sobriety" regarding the alignment of expectations and fantasies to reality. This is because a large part of the reason I'm submissive has to do with the values I was raised with; meaning, my submission doesn't necessarily have to express itself in the form of kink, because it expresses itself in the form of everyday life through respecting women and highly valuing them. I will ALWAYS put a woman's personal needs over any kink-list I have. It might not SEEM like that because of my eagerness, but that really is the case. And the thing that hurts is when I feel like I'm grouped together with those who have no regard for the woman's individual and personal integrity. So thank you for clarifying
We all start somewhere. You will adapt and grow as you explore yourself further. Not all of those realizations will be pleasant, but they will all be beneficial to you and your journey.