Ultimate Domme fail !!!

He certainly sounds like a complicated sub. But I'm sure the many skilled dominant women on our site will be able to give you some advice. Good luck.

 

it sounds like he is still topping from the bottom no matter how far you feel you may have traveled from your start point to now it sounds like he is still the one who is driving the direction of travel. You obviously think a lot of him one to have entertained his initial ideas in the first place and even more so now to try and repair the damage done, i seriously doubt whether he actually ever really wanted this lifestyle unless it was to his exacting details. If the relationship is doomed and cannot be redeemed then move on either with a new submissive who really does want YOU to take control or just go back to playing your existing partners way of life flitting from one kink to whatever interests come next. i think you have more options out there who would truly appreciate you far better. Take Control of your OWN destiny now.

 

Speaking as a male with a chastity fetish, one of the things I'm learning slowly is how much change I have to bring to the table. It's not something that a dom just does or doesn't do, the sub has to actually be accommodating to the Dom. It's not an easy switch, even if you have been fantasizing about it (or maybe especially if you have been fantasizing about it) for a few years.

It's probably easier with an experienced Dom, but you didn't fail in a vacuum. He also failed. He says that you have to earn his respect, but something I've just realized myself is that what he is asking for is for you to just suddenly be more confident (come on! Why can't you just change your personality?). It's something that maybe you can do by yourself, but it's going to be much easier for you (and faster) if your lover meets you part way.

It's a completely new dynamic as a couple, so it requires changes from both of you.

He also needs to change his personality and be less assertive /more pliant for you. That's how he can help you change into what he wants.

Perhaps he figured this out, and decided that the reality isn't what he wanted, but maybe he needs to learn this before you can move forward as a couple.

Disclaimer: I know nothing. I'm new to this. I could be wrong, but I don't think so.

 

Have a chat with him. Living in a FLR is not something that one can just jump headfirst into. You were right to go slow at your own pace.

All of us make mistakes. I paid heavily this weekend. I bucked my Wife on something this Saturday and when she brought it up with me at bedtime, I argued with her.

Long story short, I ended having to tie myself to the bed, feet and arms (no small feat and I hope I never have to do that again). Then she took her crop and beat my ass something fierce. I learned my lesson and thanked her for it. She did the right thing.

Oh, and my Wife identifies as a Sadist. Yeah, she brought the pain.

The Lesson is this: If you want to live in a FLR, he has to accept to go by YOUR rules. It's your way and only your way. Once he accepts that, he will be worthy of you accepting his submission.

 

Some clarification on what you mean by "I took it too slow" would be appreciated in order to know a bit more about him. Right now on the info you have given us I would say he lacks patience and is demanding. I think the most revealing aspect is that he said that you have to earn his respect. This is the opposite of a sub.

 

I agree he’s topping from the bottom, personally and I’m no expert at all but I’d start doing what you want. Take control as you want it, he will either go with it or he won’t, you won’t have lost anything for trying (in my humble opinion lol)



Little caveat I’m far from an expert but I am an Alpha male trying to encourage a more FLR/ D/S in my life lol

 

good luck. I'll leave it to our female members to offer advice.

 

I hate the term topping from the bottom. How do you clearly define topping vs good and active communication. If both members don't communicate how can you grow and lean. If your a novice and he doesn't express what he thinks he wants/needs how are you to know. Would it not be wise to his input as a starting point for your play and grow from there. I know if my wife did what subsnugglers wife did to him I would return the favor as soon as I was untied, but we all have different relationships. I would find what she did unacceptable but we have a different relationship then he and his wife. You do have to earn his respect but he also needs to give you some guidance as well as the space to grow. I am sure he would be overjoyed if you took some of his "topping" ideas and expanded on them to really suprise him. From that point you can go wherever you and he want to go. Its a relationship and there will be set backs and successes.

 

If he really loves the kink he will come crawling back, it’s just a matter of time.

If you guys are lovers and not a pro dom and a client then it’s a two way street. You both give in a little and get what you want until you get enough experience and confidence to take over and make it the Ms. Kadira lifestyle.

He owes it you to let you take your time and learn what you want and your style of leading. He is lucky to have a woman that is giving him the chance to be submissive. A lot of woman just run and ask questions later.

Sit down and talk to him, and then tell him what would want. If you read that correctly you noticed that I sad YOU TELL HIM.

Of course it’s just an opinion from someone that knows very little about you guys.

 

Correct. The need does not go away. It simmers, it hides, it evades, but it always comes back. You need to be firmer with him, lock him and tell him to shut up, to stop telling you what to do (except in a weekly or so discussion where you may each speak freely about how things are going), and tell him to be patient. And he's going to agree because he needs and wants this very badly. It does not go away if it's real.

 

Great post @tecolote ! Really important to understand and admit to ourselves that we, as the submissive, need to *bring* the submission and not expect or need her to beat it out of us. We need to ask ourselves: am I really a submissive husband or am I just a fetish submissive?

 

I agree with most here, he is topping from the bottom, it is a two way street, he needs to be understanding and adaptable to you, your the Dom, your in charge. It sounds like you are being understanding of his needs, but he isn’t taking yours in to consideration.

 

1/8 punishment , 7/8 FUNishment

 

I'd suggest re-posting this in the ladies-only section and getting advice from the female perspective. I suspect you will get more valuable insight from that side of the equation

 

IMHO, both of you are operating in a vacuum and need to talk about it openly and thoroughly - and not while one of you is in control of the other. You each need to explain your desires and needs, what is acceptable and what is not, and then MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, the two of you can carve out the parameters of a relationship (Maybe FLR, maybe not) that will work well for you both.

Good and open Communications is always the foundation for any worthwhile relationship.

 

My advice. Me and my wife are somewhat new to the chastity thing but its been two years now and its slowly getting ramped up. As the sub I have found myself a bit disappointed or frustrated at times because she backs down in situations when I just want her to take control.

I would start by asking if he wants to explore chastity again. I know for me, if i have had a release I am so not submissive at all. After about two days of being locked up I started changing. By a week, totally helpless. I'll do anything she wants or demands without question. I have found for me I dont want to complain to her about her lack of dominance because I don't want her to shut down or end it all. I do communicate to her outside of any of our D/s interactions to let her know "Hey you know when you did this the other night, i really liked it and if you want to do it more often I'm okay with that". As we arent full time D/s (other than chastity), we have the room for me to atleast explain how i feel and what I like or don't like and its up to her where we go from there. I know i have had moments where I am feeling annoyed/upset/hurt/sad that things aren't going my way. The honest solution is, I need her to put me in line with some form of serious punishment (not funishment but something I truly dead). We usually accomplish this through spanking. We have 2 kinds of spanking sessions. One she starts off soft and works the intensity up leaving me red and purple. This is the enjoyable kind. The other, she goes right to 60mph and it hurts and i hate it I can barely even tolerate it. I don't get mad at her for it, Infact i thank her for it but its certainly isn't an enjoyable feeling by any means. I have also noticed over time im becoming more reluctant to push her buttons or top from the bottom as I'm actually a bit afraid of the consequences.

All of this is to say, if he needs to respect you. I would lock him and deny him for a week. and then I would ask him if he respects you now ? If he doesn't, teach him that respect with an amount of pain that will have him questioning why he even said something so stupid in the first place. I know it would work with me 100%. Infact sometimes i need a little "re-adjustment" in my attitude as it can be hard to be a sub too!

Most importantly, communicate with him and determine if this is something he is still interested in and the boundaries that you both find acceptable.

 

You deserve a lot of credit for being open, and willing.

Is he a submissive, or a bottom? As a submissive, he serves you. He craves to serve you. As a bottom, he wants you clad in leather and boots wielding a whip. Both are fine, but understand the difference and how it pertains to you.

Your/his answer, sheds light upon his expectations. And, whether you want to participate.

Either way, as a couple just starting out, you have a lot to learn about yourselves and each other. It won’t happen in a couple of sessions. It takes time.

You need his support you as you both learn. Likely, he has a complicated and well rehearsed fantasy that he expects you to fit into. He will do well to step back and start fresh. You need to write a new fantasy together. It will be better.

You sound very supportive and have given this a lot of thought. THAT makes you very special and rare. You may have self-doubts, but that is not a barrier to progress at this point. You will resolve those doubts over time. If he is unable to let you lead, and graciously accept your efforts as a partner, you will have a difficult decision ahead of you.

Best wishes for you!

 

Both in a vanilla and a kink-sense, the goal of any man in relationship should be to elevate their partner and to help them become the person they want to be. This involves being in a support role, seeing things from his Partner's perspective, and remaining open to new experiences. It's ultimately a question of maturity and empathy.

When I first started exploring life with a Femdom partner, I was not mature enough to see this. Furthermore, I was completely self-centered where it was my fantasy. There is nothing scarier than handing your fantasy over to someone else. In your head, your fantasy is perfect. As long as you own the fantasy, no one can ever live up to it. But when you give it to someone else, it turns into something amazing and all its own.

 

OK, rather than asking more questions, based on the info you've given us I would say don't blame yourself. If it's meant to be a FLR I respectively suggest you ask him what he wants and insist on clarity. However, I'm not saying draw a contract up. If he comes out with the you must gain my respect nonsense again tell him to shut his mouth. Ask him one more time what he wants. If he then tells you clearly what he wants then it's up to you. Personally, I think there has to be some give and take even in a FLR; but he must do by far most of the giving so say no to most of what he wants Also try to ensure he is subject to long term chastity (no O). Possible examples of denying him a lot could be not allowing him PIV or oral. Enforce a no touching your body rule. Maybe just edge him or subject him to CBT.

Alternatively if he insists on replying that you have to gain his respect; but he does not know how, tell him his game playing must stop now and if so then you are prepared to give it one more go. Tell that you don't have to respect him on the contrary he must not merely respect you; but prostrate himself at your feet and beg forgiveness then implement the above.

If he refuses to comply then tell him he can forget FLR and stick to your guns. If he complies, what you do or don't do is up to you; but I recommend a strict regime. I say this from my experience in a FLR and as someone who did not ask to be put into chastity, but who is subject to, for the most part, uncompromising training. It has had a compelling effect on my mind and behaviour. One more thing, you should not have to dish out discipline for disobedience as he should be following you without question.