Through the looking glass

Discussion in 'Journals and blogs' started by PouchPantyLover, Feb 8, 2018.

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  1. PouchPantyLover
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    PouchPantyLover Well-Known Member

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    So I'm sitting here looking at my chastity key and I feel like crying. Today was the day. My wife made it clear in the morning that we were changing things today! She went off to her morning workout and I went to my jobs and meetings. When I returned shortly after lunch she told me to get dressed in my sissy outfit and get to work cleaning up the kitchen and doing the laundry. OK, has some promise. I do as told and while I'm in the Kitchen. She comes in and makes me stand for her inspection, lift the hem of my maids uniform and do a turn. She delivers some comments about my sissiness, an ass slap and a fondle. Great, I'm thinking, here we go, she's going to do some sensual domination. Then she goes and sits down and I return to cleaning the Kitchen.

    As I'm done cleaning the Kitchen I go and look at my phone and see I got a text from a subcontractor. She asks if it makes me feel like a sissy looking at a text from a real man while I'm all dressed up. OK, now we're cooking, she's going to do some humiliation. She adds "maybe I should take a picture of you right now and send it back to him". Wow, public exposure threat. So I respond with "please don't" and she says OK go do the laundry. Wow from 100 to zero in 1 second.

    So I go up and start folding laundry and she comes into the room and starts fondling me and asking me about how it feels to be dressed up. Yeah, we're back in business. She asks if my cage is tight and I say yes and she responds with that's surprising since you have such a small penis. She adds that if I had a real mans penis, none of this would be necessary. Pow-Pow, what a 1-2 jab, now go for the knock out. She then says keep your panties on when you come back to work and leaves and goes back to the office.

    The whole time I'm folding laundry I'm saying to myself, she's coming back. Any second now she's going to come back. She's had weeks to plan this. We've had intimate discussions about what works and what doesn't work. She's got to know she can't just leave it like this. All laundry folded and put away I change and head back to the office. I just know she's going to do something. What is her plan? How much more suspense can I take. As the clock ticks away and it gets closer and closer to the time she leaves I realize that there is nothing else, there is no more. In my mind I'm saying to myself she can't be feeling dominant, she can't see this as being the big push to get me rolling. Surely she knows I'm not feeling submissive.

    She comes over to me as she's ready to leave and gives me a kiss and then see's the look on my face. What's wrong she asks? How can she not know my mind is screaming. So I apologize. I'm honest with her and tell her I don't feel dominated or submissive. I tell her that I wanted her to succeed so badly. The whole way home today I was literally praying for her success because I genuinely miss our life, but I can't fake it. She was clearly mad, frustrated and annoyed. She said OK and fished the key out of her purse and dumped it on my desk and left.

    Now it's just me and the key and I'm so fucking sad. I hate the idea of taking this cage off. I hate the idea of giving up on this. I don't know what to do. I can't be submissive unless I feel dominated. It feels like the way a break-up used to feel back when I was single. This really awful hollow feeling combined with a disbelief and denial that it's over. But just like then, my denial doesn't change the reality that this journey appears to have ended. Aloha CM a ua halawai hou
     
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  2. PouchPantyLover
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    PouchPantyLover Well-Known Member

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    So I'm back and I have an uplifting post for a change, but you've got to stick with me to rock bottom first. I couldn't bring myself to unlock. I sent her a text telling her I was leaving the key where she dropped it and I'm going to some meetings. No response from her. When I return two hours later, there is the key. So sad as hell I go unlock myself, clean my cage and put it away in a locked case with our sex toys. That whole weekend I was just sad. She was mad at me, I wasn't mad at all, just sad.

    Monday rolls around and a funny thing happens. In order to explain it fully I own my own business and she works for me as an administrative assistant. In theory this is her job that she works at when she is not doing motherly type things. Her schedule Monday starts off with getting up an hour after me and I have kids ready to go and I'm at work. She drives them to school and then hangs out and chit chats with other parents and teachers for awhile. She then goes to her first work-out class (that I pay for) with her friends. After which she chit-chats until her second work out (that I also pay for) with her instructor at a friends house. More chit chat before hurrying home for lunch and a shower so she can go get her massage (that I also pay for). By the time that's all done it's time to go get the kids.

    While all this is going on my office and mobile phones are lighting up, very busy day with lots of stress. Some stuff I can handle and others I need her for. All of a sudden this huge ball of resentment starts building and building. I'm furious with her. Not only is she ignoring her job for all this, she's ignoring me. That's when it hits me. The realization that the greatest gift chastity gave us, was changing my resentment to joy. The submissives pleasure in seeing his dominant get what she wants from life. I remember how often this ball of resentment used to choke me and it makes me sad to know it's back. This huge cycle of anger, resentment, loss, sadness starts spinning.

    After processing this for a day I share it with her. Share it thinking she is the woman I love and maybe this will help her see why our chastity relationship is worth fighting for. Nope it has the opposite impact. She's furious and hurt because she thinks I'm blaming her. Things take a sharp turn for the worse here and we hit rock bottom. She has cancelled all her work-outs and is in the office full time, but angry with me the whole time. I'm sadder now because I felt like at least one of us was happy before. I just feel this widening gulf between us. This simmering stew of misery just rolls on with neither one of us able or willing to do something to bring it to an end.

    Fast forward to Sunday and it's been 8 days of this. I'm in the backyard working on a project to keep my mind off things when she comes out to talk to me. She then talks to me in a very serious voice. I don't think she meant it to be commanding, but that's how it sounded to me. She says "I love you. We have to get past this. Tonight in bed I want you to hold me." I feel this shiver run up my spine and I tell her I love her too. Suddenly it dawns on me. The point so many people have said on CM to me and others. She is my Mistress. I can have my hopes and requests, but at the end of the day all that she needs to do is accept my service and respect. So that night I held her and planned my own path back.

    I convinced her to go back to her exercise class in the morning. While she is away I got my jailbird back out, shaved and locked up. When she returned I told her I loved her, but that I couldn't live with myself being mad at her or making her feel sad. I told her that if she didn't want to be dominant, she didn't have to be. I asked her only to accept my submission to her and for two favors. First I asked if she would hold my key again. She said yes. Secondly I asked her if I could call her Mistress again. She said yes. I'm sitting here a month latter and we are both so happy again. I took to it like a fish to water. She was a little slow warming up, but once she got going she took us to new highs. I'll share some of those highs in my next entry, but for now let me just say....IT IS GOOD TO BE BACK!
     
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  3. Mash2214
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    Mash2214 Her Locked Little Boy

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    No one has ever said that Being Married would always be easy and if they did they were lieing. When we have that strong marriage everything else finds away of working out. The power of Love
     
  4. LesterBallard
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    LesterBallard Well-Known Member

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    Keep working at it. Glad things are going well
     
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  5. DonnaSue
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    DonnaSue Well-Known Member

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    This whole thread proves that, with communication, we can work through problems! Good job!
     
  6. Love&Passion
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    Love&Passion Well-Known Member

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    @PouchPantyLover thank you thank you thank you.
    I followed your journey and I liked your journey. After your Feb 23 post I was short of words. I was hoping YOU would come to your senses but knew I wasn't able to give advise the correct way. I am so happy to see you back. Congratulations, what a journey!!!!
     
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  7. PouchPantyLover
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    PouchPantyLover Well-Known Member

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    So as promised I'm back to share some of the good stuff. At first I think my wife was highly suspicious and still a little angry. I was very good and very focused. Every morning her coffee promptly at 6:30 as she likes. If she said she was tired, I would offer to let her sleep and take the kids to school. All shopping and food prep was done without her worry and any special meal or snack was made upon request. The bed was made so tight you could bounce a quarter off it and all laundry was done.

    Slowly she started to find her way back to her dominant streak she had before. WARNING I WILL BE MENTIONING PEE PLAY. Her first punishment day was kind of weak, but by the second Thursday she found her stroke again and left my butt bruised and sore. I think the day she really found her mojo was when she sent me a text "get up to the bedroom right now". I hurried up and said "yes Mistress, what's wrong". She ordered me to strip and lay on the floor of the shower. This is her instruction when she is going to piss on me. The first two times she tried she had a shy bladder. It's actually surprisingly hard to pee when someone is looking at you. I imagine even harder when they are laying under you and looking up at you. This time was the money, but when she was done she did something different. Instead of just leaving and telling me to clean up, she stood over me and mocked me. The humiliation was intense and for those that follow me know that's a huge thing for me. She also re-found her expectation of my service. One night we were eating dinner on the couch with trays in our lap and I turned to her and said "may I take your tray". She just gives me this hard stare and says "I'm done eating, aren't I". My cage went from loose to tight in a second.

    The other exciting development is she has finally started to experiment with tease and denial. This was something she almost never did. One night she had me unlock. She had me pleasure her in many ways with my mouth while giving me a running dialogue on the other man she has sex with. I was rock hard and horny as all get out. She then has me get her toys and provide her an orgasm. I usually sit facing her with my crotch a foot away from hers. My legs under hers as she lays on her back. I then go to work wielding her toys in the way she likes. Once she is done and calms down out of the blue she tells me to sit still and slowly moves her pussy until it is just on the head of my penis. I'm touching but not inside. She then proceeds to move her hips around while telling me I'll never be allowed in again. That this is the closest I'll ever get. I'm unlocked and rock hard. All I need to do is buck my hips and I'm in. She goes on like this for a good 5 minutes and I'm a drooling, dripping mess. Then she says "that's enough, go lock up". Did I mention it's good to be back?
     
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  8. El Guapo
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    El Guapo Ladies First.

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    @PouchPantyLover

    As slowly time seems to unfold ... its perfect timing.
    [read: I've enjoyed this running dialog]

    I liked your pee warning ... made me chuckle.

    And the comment about being surprisingly hard to pee when someone is watching made me recall some of my own experiences.

    I was never in the army but I did go through a 'boot camp' type experience at the Police Academy. It was obvious everyone was checking everyone else out - so you simply had to get used it. Mind over matter.

    The best though were the 12 foot long tin troughs in the older German beer halls. Find a spot between the others standing there and hurry up. As crowded as those urinals could be, there was a surprising amount of privacy because folks minded their own business.
     
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  9. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    In the pee trough at the metrodome, someone lit a nacho plate on fire and sent it floating down.

    It was like the at the golf coarse when that guy drives around the range picking up golf balls. No shy bladders everyone wanted to be the guy that put it out lol!
     
  10. Breathe
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    Breathe Wife, Owner, Dom/me, and KH of _and_smile

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    A thorough, verbal, spot-on marking is one of My favorite things to do... and one of the most effective. I really don't think I've ever seen his pupils that dilated, as they were during the last time. Such a power trip. :rolleyes:

    So glad things are picking back up for you both; closely following this space. :D
     
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  11. El Guapo
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    El Guapo Ladies First.

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    @Nicoftime

    EPIC! Nacho plates will never be the same!


    @Breathe

    Dilated pupils ...
    The medic in me wants to figure that one out.
    I wonder if total physiological & psychological 'surrender' would do that.
    Can only add to the power trip!
     
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  12. PouchPantyLover
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    PouchPantyLover Well-Known Member

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    So I've had a pretty good few days. Worth taking the time to share, hopefully worth you're time to read. Thursday night Mistress goes out for a social event while I stay home with the kids. I go to bed before she comes home only to be woken up by a drunk and naked Mistress. She rarely drinks and is kind of a light weight, but it makes her quite horny. It also prolongs our encounter as it just takes longer for her to climax. I was working on her with my mouth and a trio of sex toys for a good 20 minutes before she had an earth shattering orgasm. Once she caught her breath she put one foot on me and pushed me away, pulled the blankets up and went to sleep. I packed the toys up and tried to sleep, but I was so aroused from what just happened and holding her naked body that I was up for at least another hour.

    Saturday morning I got to serve her breakfast in bed. I messed up a little with my prep time and I was late serving her so she was awake when I arrived and was a little annoyed. As I knelt to present her breakfast I apologized for being late and she said something like "You're damn right your sorry. Go add 5 strokes to your list. I know most people would be like "screw that", but as her submissive I love it when she acts strong, tough and even mean. It really made me feel submissive. As I came to check on her progress and see if she needed something else she continued her attitude ordering me to get to work on Laundry, go get her more coffee, etc. By the time we were ready to start our daily Saturday ordeal of kid activities I was putty in her hands.

    Saturday night we got a special surprise as both kids had sleepovers. She decided on movie and a dinner for date night. She was very non-Mistressy on our date. It was more like an ordinary date. I was fine with this and she was happy, but secretly I was hopping it would be a cross-dressing sex fest. I told myself it's all about her and enjoyed her company and didn't try to steer the evening in any direction. I was pretty tired when we got home and headed up to bed. Again she surprised me by coming to bed and going to town. This time she focused on teasing me verbally quite a bit. How I was a sissy bitch and not a real man, how she got all the sex she needed whenever she wanted with well endowed men. She humiliated the hell out of me while I gave her another great orgasm. When I got up to go put the toys away she told me to stop and kneel when I was about halfway across the room. She then told me to turn the wand on and put it on my cage. She lay there with her head propped up on a pillow and proceeded to tease me again, this time in a mock concerned kind of way. "Oh look at the poor pathetic little sissy bitch". It was intense to have this wave of pleasure/pain coursing through my genitals while kneeling on the floor being mocked. Eventually she told me to turn it off and put it away. When I came to bed I was mad with lust and tried to start rubbing up against her. I don't know why, it's not like I could accomplish anything. In a flash she's up and climbs onto my chest and slaps me hard across the face a couple of times. When I try to look at her she says real cold "don't look at me, you don't deserve to look at me" and slaps me again. Then she asks "are you ready for bed now?". I respond "Yes Mistress, so sorry Mistress". She then rolls on her side and tells me to hold her. She wiggles her butt against my groin for good measure and then tells me to go to sleep. Another late night with aching balls.

    She has told me no breakfast in bed Sunday. She had planned on going for a run. I was surprised to still find her in bed when I eventually woke so I snuggled up with her and just enjoyed holding her. About half an hour later she wakes up slowly and starts to stretch. Without looking at me she announces "I have to go to the bathroom, go lay on the shower floor". (You know what's coming, so if you don't like this, skip to the next paragraph) I spring out of bed and head into the bathroom and lay there on the shower floor. She let's me wait, the tile is cold, I'm shivering. She walks in and looks down at me towering over me, naked and beautiful. She steps into the shower and stands above me as I stare straight up into her beautiful pussy. It starts with a few drops, but quickly springs into a steady stream. Mostly in my mouth, but also all over my face. When she's done she rinses herself with the hand shower while telling me "You disgust me, clean yourself up and go make me coffee".

    Since the run was out the window I got to dress in sissy attire and prepare her a breakfast. I stood by the bed folding laundry while she ate. That's when she remembered we never did our punishment spanking. I was made to get the room ready and get her implements out. She didn't gag me this time, but commanded me to not make a sound. I failed on that count which cost me a few more. So sore and submissive I cleared her dishes and finished the laundry while she lay in bed and watched a TV show.

    We discussed our plans for the day and she made arrangements for friends to join us for an afternoon at the beach followed by a BBQ at our place. I was tasked with shopping for dinner and making the house ready. When beach time grew near I asked if I could be unlocked. I was due for a shave as it had been two weeks and the beach is a place with greatest risk of discovery so she said yes. I casually mentioned I can lock back up as soon as we return from the beach or I could stay unlocked if she wanted to play with me. She just grunted, but gave me the key.

    It felt good to be out and when I came back from the beach I shaved, showered and headed down to get the grill started. By the time the evening was over we were both exhausted and we just passed out. So I got to spend the night unlocked which is a real treat. This morning I ask her if I should lock up first thing and she says, no, but don't you dare touch yourself. She goes off to workout and I go into our home office. When she gets back I get a text "I need you in the shower". I love showering her so I head up and attend her in the shower. Once I'm done washing her she tells me to get into bed and she will join me in a bit. Once there she tells me to suck on her tits. As I do so she starts fondling my dick and telling me things like "this is much smaller than the dicks I'm used to". After 5 minutes of foreplay she tells me to fuck her. I'm stunned. My dick has not been inside my wife since January. I stammer, "Mistress, are you sure?". She slaps my face "are you questioning me?" I'm just stunned, but I do what she says and climb on top of her and push myself in. "Jesus, is it even in yet?" Then she has me roll onto my back. Pre-chastity this is the position she would take when she wanted to cum. She starts riding me and that's when she tells me "if you cum I will coat your balls and your dick with deep blue". I'm scared out of my mind by the idea of deep blue on my deck, so I'm thinking about spreed sheets and estimates as much as I can while she grinds herself to an orgasm on top of me. When she's done she lays on top of me and catches her breath. Then she starts again. I'm like "Please Mistress I can't take much more of this before I cum". She then rolls onto her back and tells me to continue to fuck her but with the same deep blue threat. I start up again, but after about 30 seconds I have to stop. Slap to the face, I told you to fuck me. Start up again, make it maybe 10 seconds and have to stop, slap, keep going, but don't cum. Finally on the 4th or 5th time she slaps me and says I'm done with you.

    So now, 16 months into chastity, I understand edging. How terribly horribly awesome. I wanted to cum so bad. It was almost impossible getting back into the cage. My panties were a mess from all of leaking going on afterwards. When can I do that again? Like I said, I've had a pretty good few days.
     
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  13. PrincessK
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    PrincessK [Not Seeking] Owner & KH of SaraLovesChastity

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    This rollercoaster had be in tears. I'm elated for you both. Life happens, and it's so good to find our way back.
     
  14. PouchPantyLover
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    PouchPantyLover Well-Known Member

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    Why am I such a head case? We had this wonderful series of days, but from Monday morning on it was like she just switched gears. She went from being super assertive, demanding and dominant to just a complete wall flower. It was startling. At first I thought she just needs some time and space, but it kept on going. Finally yesterday I had to go to a meeting in a building with a metal detector at the entrance and so I ask-explain to her why and ask her for the key. She gives it to me, but seems completely uninterested in whether or not I lock back up. So I push it a little and stay unlocked. She had book club last night so I went to bed before she came home. This morning I started being a little pokey and pushy. Eventually she told me to go get her coffee. After she and the kids left I showered and re-locked myself and texted her that I had done so. Eventually I get a reply from her that says "good". Like the little bitch that I am, I respond "is it really? I'm not so sure."

    Why do I get this way. Where I feel all uppity. If she takes her foot off the gas, I need to learn to coast and not slam on the brakes. It's like I feel this void when she stops being the dominant that makes me restless and agitated. When I go back to square one I want her to be happy. I want to provide her a life free from drudgery and one where she can experience physical, emotional and sexual pleasure and freedom. If she wants to indulge herself by babying me, I should be just as content to serve her as if she spends it humiliating me. But I'm not. Thus the question of why am I such a head case?

    Any rate we had a talk and I explained my angst and felt better. Then she reminded me we needed to do my weekly punishment. Because she had been so weak with me the last few days I had an all time low of 25 strokes. She decided she needed to make them count and they really hurt. So my ass is sore, but my head is in a better place. Thank you Mistress.
     
  15. Mash2214
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    Mash2214 Her Locked Little Boy

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    It's a fine line between giving her what She wants and being content when she doesn't pay much attention to you. It's a difficult to find that perfect balance. The problem is is that their isn't no secret to what works and what doesn't work because everyone is different and their relationship with their wife is different.
     
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  16. Rectrix
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    Rectrix Well-Known Member

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    "That's when it hits me. The realization that the greatest gift chastity gave us, was changing my resentment to joy. The submissive's pleasure in seeing his dominant get what she wants from life."

    "I apologized for being late and she said something like 'You're damn right your sorry. Go add 5 strokes to your list.' I know most people would be like 'screw that,' but as her submissive I love it when she acts strong, tough and even mean. It really made me feel submissive."

    Two comments that are so in tune with how I feel about our lifestyle.
     
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  17. PouchPantyLover
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    PouchPantyLover Well-Known Member

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    So true. I struggle mightily with being content when she doesn't pay much attention to me. I'd rather have negative attention than no attention. That's why sometimes when I feel ignored I act up. Getting better at this, but still away to go.
     
  18. PouchPantyLover
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    PouchPantyLover Well-Known Member

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    So last week was a highly successful week at work. I landed some big jobs and brought home some sizable checks. In addition for the first time ever I made it through a week with zero items on my punishment list. It made me cocky. I was unlocked on Friday for sailing and this made me even more cocky. I went on about deserving a "reward" and how I was "due". She put up with it good naturedly at first. She even agreed I'd earned something. Saturday rolled around though and at lunchtime she told me I was being too cocky and to go lock up. I did as told, but I was somewhat petulant as I really did think I was going to get some treat for my performance. I set it aside for mothers day and helped the kids provide her a nice morning. As the day wore on though I got more moody and let a couple of loads of laundry sit on the bed without putting them away. By that evening she'd had it and told me to get up and start folding laundry while the kids were in the shower. As usual she sat on the bed and looked at stuff on her phone while I worked. I sort laundry before folding it and I started tossing her clothes next to her on the bed. Very passive aggressive. She asks what the hell I'm doing and I say something smart like "hoping you're getting the hint". She pops out of bed walks into our closet and walks out brandishing the paddle saying bend over. Now my son is in our shower with the bathroom door closed and our daughter is down the hall in her shower with the door closed. I'm thinking this is for show and I'm like the kids are right there. She fires back that she doesn't give a shit and I need to drop my pants and bend over now. She's deadly serious and suddenly I'm walking it back as hard as I can. So sorry Mistress, please don't punish me now mistress. She relents, but keeps the paddle with her tucked under her pillow where I can see the handle just sticking out. After the kids go to bed she has me carry the paddle downstairs for her to watch some TV. She has me give her a foot massage and prepare her a drink. Once the show is over she tells me to strip and get down on all fours. She sits behind me and idly swats my balls with the paddle. Not hard, but it gets the attention. She proceeds to reprimand me for my attitude and behavior stopping every so often to give my ass a hard swat with the paddle. When she's done she asks if I have anything to say for myself. I apologize, but say that I thought I had earned a release. That's when she hits me with this gem. "If I ever let you cum again it will be because I want you to cum. You don't have any say in the matter". Part of me is in heaven over the power and control she's wielding and how submissive I feel in that moment. The other part of me is terrified by this prospect.
     
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  19. Rectrix
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    Rectrix Well-Known Member

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    Another one of those "fine lines" Mash2214 mentioned -- "I went on about deserving a 'reward' and how I was 'due.' " Yes, we all like to be played with and yes we all want to be recognized for our efforts, but we don't "deserve" anything and are not "due" anything. We are submissives and our goal is to serve her so as to become more deeply submissive. Of course, if she's wise she knows that she needs to keep our erotic fuel tank full, but we have to rely on her judgment and wisdom and dominance for when to fill the tank. This is where we get back to Mash2214's point: figuring out how to be content -- indeed, can we? -- when she doesn't pay much attention to you. For me, there's a subtle difference: is she not "paying much attention" because in her wisdom she's decided to extract more submission from you or is she not "paying much attention" because she doesn't care a lot (or at least not nearly as much as we obsessively do)? The latter sucks.
     
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  20. PouchPantyLover
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    PouchPantyLover Well-Known Member

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    So I found a card game online. We hadn't played a game in a long time and this one kind of caught my eye. I took it and customized it for us. At it's basics it's draw a card and spade = slaps (balls or face), clubs = paddle, diamonds = her pleasure (sexual or non-sexual) and hearts = my pleasure (sexual, but no orgasm). The number of card equals minutes of pleasure or number of blows depending on suit. I get to be unlocked and naked, she is dressed in some light lingerie. I was nervous about proposing this as an idea to her as she hasn't liked suggestions from me that involve any pleasure for me. She's been trying to reinforce the idea that it's all about her. Surprisingly she liked the idea of the game and wanted to play today.

    First two cards were diamonds. She started sitting up in bed and had me massage her legs. As she's not wearing underwear I'm pretty happy about this. For the second diamond she lays on her stomach and has me massage her legs which she spreads nicely. I'm hyperventilating at this point and loving it. It was an 8 of diamonds so I worked up and down her legs and she loved it. Next came an 8 of hearts. She tells me to lay on my back and proceeds to climb on top of me. She's crawling around, stimulating me in all kinds of ways and then she takes me inside of her. Her motions are so slow and I'm just aching. She is so beautiful in this moment and I tell her so which makes her smile. Next comes the 10 of Diamonds and she tells me to go get her toys. She has me start with sucking on her breasts and then fire up one and then the other toy. She didn't last the full 10 minutes. My head is swimming at this point. I'm just consumed by both lust and love for this goddess. Then I pull a 9 of hearts. Again she's all over me and this time adds in the magic wand on the perineum. I'm a drooling mess at the end of the 9 minutes. No idea how I didn't cum. Then it happens, the odds catch up with me. Jack of clubs brings 10 blows from the paddle. They're not hard like on punishment day, but they still hurt. Next comes a 6 of spades and I stand with my hands behind my back and take the slaps to the balls and hard penis. More shocking than painful. Back to bliss with a 4 of diamonds. She lays on her stomach and has me massage her shoulders. Nothing sexual, but I can see how much she's enjoying it and just touching her is lovely. Then Queen of clubs and it's back to the paddle. She has the option to end the game after the 10th card, so I'm hoping heart or diamond, but its a 5 of spades and 5 more slaps all to the balls. She asks if I want the game to end and I say "one more card?" She looks at it and says no, the game is over. She then picks up the deck and looks through it and says to me, it would have been a long time before you had any fun. Turns out the next one was the King of Clubs. :eek:

    I think we were lucky to have the run of red cards at the beginning. I couldn't have scripted it any better. I think it was also fun for her to have it be a game. She didn't have to worry about what she was doing or why. She just had fun with it. Even the paddle and slaps she had a smile for. She liked that the game had me risk pain to get pleasure. Me, I'm planning on buying a second deck and switching out every spade and club with a heart and diamond. :cool:
     
  21. PouchPantyLover
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    PouchPantyLover Well-Known Member

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    So I've been having a real tough time at work the last few days. Punchlist should be a 4 letter word and I've got 3 going right now. My wife has been sympathetic and offering to help in anyway she can. So last night I come to bed and there's the key on my pillow. She says you can unlock and have an orgasm. I guess it's a pity cum, but I'm stoked as it's closing in on 4 months at this point. As I'm putting the fancy screwdriver thing in my jailbird she says you need to be locked back up 20 minutes after you cum or there will be 50 whips from the belt and deep blue on your balls. This is way off script for us. In the past when I've been allowed to cum I'm usually granted at least 24 hours and a couple of orgasms. I know myself well enough to know that if I have an orgasm at this point in the evening I'm going to pass out afterwards so I give her the key back and she puts it on the bedside table. We cuddle up and go to sleep.

    Fast forward to this morning and I get up to go pee. On the way back to bed I spot the key and say to myself "there was no time limit on that offer". So I take the key and go back to the bathroom and unlock. I climb back into bed. She is laying on her side with her back to me. So I snuggle up into position behind her and start rubbing up against her. She half rolls over and looks at me and asks if I unlocked and I say yes. She repeats the offer to orgasm with the same terms on relocking. I continue to rub and try to start to work myself into penetration position. She rolls back ignoring me as I thrust away. As I try to actually gain entrance she half rolls back and says "you're not putting that penis inside me. You're only allowed to rub against me". So that's what I did. She laid on her side ignoring me while I thrust away rubbing up against her until bingo. I don't know about the rest of you, but after a long time not cumming, my first orgasm hurts. It feels like an internal burning sensation. This is one of the reasons we have usually allowed the multiple orgasms upon release. The first one is not much fun.

    So she has me fetch a towel to clean up and I collapse on the bed. She tells me again 20 minutes, but I'm in that post orgasm collapse and I just lay there. Eventually I get enough energy to rouse myself, go take a shower and re-lock. I'm way past 20 minutes, but as she's asleep again I doubt she knows.

    Right now I feel really conflicted. I have always told my wife since we started chastity that there's never been an orgasm I haven't loved and appreciated, but I still regret them after. I don't really feel like I loved and appreciated this one. It was very anti-climactic for a climax. She was not into it at all so it didn't feel sexy. The painfulness of the burning really erased the pleasure of the climax. The knowledge that my usual mutli-release event isn't going to happen leaves me feeling depressed. On top of that I have all the usual regrets about cumming and starting over. You know how you wait along time for something or really crave something and then it's a disappointment? Like when they released the phantom menace? God that movie was terrible after waiting decades for a new Star Wars movie.

    I know I'm supposed to trust my KH and let her lead me, but part of me feels like I should tell her what I'm going through. On the other hand part of me says this is what you signed up for and criticizing her decisions and techniques is not my place. I'm also not sure how much my other stress is infecting my feelings about this. I'm also not sure if she knows I violated the 20 minutes she laid down. I really feel like I complied with the intent of her instructions, it just took a little longer. So in a nut shell, I'm not sure about many things. What should I do?
     
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  22. PouchPantyLover
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    PouchPantyLover Well-Known Member

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    I didn't have to wait long. I had barely finished writing this post when she came into the office and said "what's wrong". I explained my conflicted emotions and she listened carefully and told me to get back to work. The next day we were going to a beach party and I asked if I could be unlocked. She agreed and when I removed the cage I was shocked to find some pretty significant damage to my little soldier. I guess the dry humping chafed me raw and then being bunched up in the cage made it worse. Every place the bars of my jailbird touched my skin was like an angry red welt. That was Sunday and as of today (Wednesday) I'm still unlocked. It's healing, but some serious little scabs going on.

    The thing is she was already feeling sorry for me with work stress and now with this she is being even kinder and gentler. With my post orgasm fall, the lack of a cage and her attitude I am back in the struggling camp. Outwardly I'm being a good boy and doing my chores and anything she tells me to do. The one thing I've stopped doing is calling her Mistress. I don't know why. It's not a conscious choice when I did call her that and it's not something I'm intentionally doing to be bratty now. Inwardly I'm struggling like I was back in January. I keep hoping for either my own epiphany or her dominance to snap me back.
     
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  23. Panda2010
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    Panda2010 There's a fine line between pleasure and pain

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    @PouchPantyLover Hang in there friend. It isn't easy to be in anyone else's shoes. So all I can suggest is taking some deep breaths when things seem to be falling in.

    Did you know there are breathing apps out there that can help? Deep, controlled breathing can definitely help! There is a physiological reason behind this that I can't quite remember at the moment. I can look it up. I know I need to schedule a few minutes of breathing exercises a few times a day to help me stay on top of things.

    Good luck.
     
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  24. Rectrix
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    Rectrix Well-Known Member

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    I've had this feeling too, you wait 40, 60, 80 days and then something about it is less than ideal, whether it's because you missed the moment or she wasn't into it, or didn't tease me "right." And then it's Day 1 again. Yuck.

    Sounds like a nasty case of subdrop. You're missing your cage, your service, your submission (that's where calling her Mistress went), and the health issue is thwarting your return. You're floundering (good fish word there). (BTW, when I have skin issues I go into the Bon4M -- more room inside, he can heal and still be kept clean and caged. Consider getting a slightly larger backup cage.) And the punchlists aren't helping. But there's definitely nothing wrong with her being kinder and gentler during this rehab period. Don't despair, you'll get your mojo back the minute you're healthy enough to be in chaste service again. My thoughts are with you.
     
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  25. PouchPantyLover
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    PouchPantyLover Well-Known Member

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    As usual Thursday was punishment day. I had nothing on my list and I told her as much Thursday morning. Most things that get on my list are originated by her. She'll make a comment like "I had to bring the trash in from the curb today". I'll apologize and ask if I need to add that to my list. As she is being "nice" each time something like this came up and I asked if it should be on my list, she'd say no that's OK. So nothing on the list. When I told her there was nothing on the list she told me "that's nice, get the room ready for punishment while I take the kids to school. I'll be back to deal with you shortly."

    So I got the room ready as instructed. She came back had me strip and get into position. She then recited things I had done wrong. A new chore she's added is filling her pill container with her supplements and prescriptions. By the way damn she takes a lot of pills. When the hell did fish oil become a good thing? Any rate I digress. I had failed to do this for several days and she assigned five strokes a day. I was really impressed and intimidated as she rattled off my failures and a growing stroke count. I was feeling very submissive. She then proceeded to administer my punishment. I'm not going to call it gentle as it hurt and I wanted it to stop, but it clearly lacked the intensity of her usual punishments. When she was done as usual I immediately apologized and kissed her feet and thanked her. Then I cleaned up the room, opened the windows and started on folding some laundry.

    Pee warning!

    After 5 minutes or so of sitting on the bed watching me she tells me to get in the shower. I do as instructed, but I'm moving a little slow and feeling a little resistance to her instruction. Ultimately I do as she says. She stands over me as usual, but nothing is coming. All of a sudden she says "You are so pathetic that I don't think you even deserve my piss". Bam, all resistance, surliness and independence melt away as I feel a deep sense of humiliation wash over me. I proceed to apologize for not being worthy and in the midst of my apology she lets go with a full stream in my face.

    I'm still unlocked and I'm still healing, but I feel like I'm back on track and headed in right direction. I'm thinking by the end of the weekend I should be able to lock up again.
     
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