The whole story

I have been an active member on here for a while now, but I don’t think I have ever shared the whole story of how male chastity became an integral part of our marriage. There have been some reactions to some of my posts lately ranging from encouraging to critical, and I think it would be beneficial to get the whole story out there so other members understand who I am and what our relationship is like so that they don’t make bad assumptions.

My wife and I were both virgins until we were married in November 2008. I had never had so much as a girlfriend prior to my wife. Had been on some dates, but nothing that went past a second date with anyone. I was very focused on my career and honestly couldn’t find any women that I felt shared my values enough to be marriage material. My wife was mostly the same, though she was engaged for a short while to another guy while she was in college, but they ended up splitting and calling off the engagement. Both of us are committed Christians and believed we should remain chaste until our wedding (oh, the irony!). Looking back, I have mixed feelings about dedication to avoiding all things sexual prior to marriage, because we had some pretty bad problems right off the bat that I wish I would have known about in advance. But, at the same time, I would hate to think that knowing those things might have influenced me to choose not to marry my wife or postpone the marriage.

I met my wife while we were both volunteering with a youth ministry that a mutual friend ran in 2005. Long story short, we ended up getting married in 2008. The wedding ceremony was amazing; it really couldn’t have been better. We had a wonderful time, then headed off to a bed and breakfast that I had booked for our honeymoon night.

We arrived around 10:30 p.m. It was soon after that I would make some choices that would affect us for many years to come. Being a young, virgin, horny guy of 27 years of age and newly married, I was very eager to experience sex. My new bride, on the other hand, was very nervous and very tired. She later told me that she really just wanted to get some sleep, but I was too sex crazed to understand that she was totally exhausted. I started undressing her and myself, trying to be gentle and romantic. She knew what I expected and went along with it.

This is when the first, and biggest, problem of our marriage started. After a few minutes of foreplay (yes, literally a few minutes, I had no idea that I should give more time!) I went straight for penetration. This was the single most disastrous moment of our sex life. She was terrified and unknown to either of us, she suffered from a very severe case of vaginismus (one of the worst her gynecologist had ever tried to treat). If you are fortunate not to know what vaginismus is, you are lucky. It is a condition where the vaginal muscles clamp shut like a jail door. Not always, but usually, it is caused by anxiety or some unresolved emotional trauma (like rape). When this happens, penetration is very painful. My wife has described the sensation like being stabbed in the vagina with a hot poker and then thrusting it in and out.

I could tell that she was uncomfortable, but between the excitement of my first sexual experience and not knowing if this was normal for a woman’s first time, I thought maybe it was just normal and would get better with time. Oh, no, did it ever NOT get better with time!

I finished fairly quickly, and she cried for a little while. I was confused and felt ashamed of myself. I knew I had done something that wasn’t right, but I really didn’t understand it all just yet. The next morning, she woke up feeling nauseous. This continued for a few days and she went and bought a pregnancy test. It was a very definite positive. Not only was her first experience very painful, but she got pregnant.

My wife’s first experience with sex was: it hurts a lot, and it makes me pregnant. I, being dense, still wanted to keep trying to have sex, believing that it was just a matter of experience and things would get better as we learned. My wife on the other hand, wanted nothing do with it. She was scared about being pregnant for the first time and she was scared of me. But, she has always been very submissive, and she kept trying to have sex out of a sense of marital obligation. Her anxiety and vaginismus grew worse over the coming years, to the point where she would be in tears just before letting me penetrate her (and during and after). Just the thought of being penetrated would make her weep.

Our sex life dwindled to 2-3 times per year, with me masturbating 2 or 3 times a day to cope. After our first son was born in 2009, we had a daughter in 2011. Then another in 2013, followed by another in 2014 and yet another in 2016. During all the time up to late 2015, we had intercourse maybe 12-15 times. Around 3 times for each birth. We had practically no sex but she kept getting pregnant. We both grew to hate sex for different reasons. She hated it because it hurt and she felt used, and I hated it because it always made me feel like a rapist or some kind of criminal that had to hurt his wife to satisfy his needs like a junky mugging somebody for drug money.

In the summer of 2015, I had something I would call a personal crisis. I was reading my Bible one day and read a verse about sexual immorality. And for some reason I made the connection about my masturbation. I knew it wasn’t right (I’m not judging anyone here, these are just my own personal convictions). I knew that I wasn’t made to do that to myself. At the same time, I felt resentful that my sex life, as a married man, was comprised almost entirely of solo masturbation. I became convinced that I would quit masturbating or die trying.

My attempts at stopping masturbating were pretty pathetic. I would only make it a day or two before I would cave back in and do it. I once made it three days and was feeling like the king of the world, only to fail on day 4. In desperation, I turned to Google looking for things to help stop masturbation. There were lots of stupid things, like hypnotism, that I simply brushed off as ridiculous. But, I found a site that was written by a Christian to help other Christian men kick the masturbation habit. This site advocated the use of a chastity device. I had never heard of such a thing, other than medieval chastity belts for women. I read through the site and was intrigued at the idea of being physically stopped from accessing my penis. Could such a thing really work? The author listed some links to retailers who sold various brands and models. I clicked on the links and looked through the retailers’ websites.

Fortunately, the first link I clicked on was www.keptforher.com. This is where I learned about the Holy Trainer and read some testimonials from their customers and other related content they had about using male chastity to curb masturbation and improve marriages. The other sites that I visited turned me off big time, they mostly catered to bondage and S&M type clientele which at the time kind of scared me (no offense to any members here; I know some of you enjoy those lifestyles).

I spent the next couple of weeks trying to build up the courage to give it a shot. I was scared that my wife would think I had lost my mind; and even more scared to tell her why I wanted to buy one. She did not know about my masturbation and I was very scared of admitting it to her. I was deeply ashamed of it and was afraid of how she might respond if she knew I was doing that, let alone so frequently. After a couple of weeks, I decided now or never, and made the order. I was planning a business trip the following week, and gave Kept For Her the hotel address as the delivery address. I wanted to see it in person and be able to try it on before letting my wife know about it.

I arrived at my hotel the following Monday and asked the concierge if there was a package for me. Sure enough, there was. I took it up to my room and took it out of the box. I liked how simple it looked. It didn’t intimidate me. Following the instructions, I got my balls through the ring, then my penis, then put the tube over my penis. Last, I inserted the lock, turned it and pulled the key out. I pulled my underwear and pants back up, and walked into the bathroom to look in the mirror for any signs of bulges or anything that would suggest I was wearing something to keep myself from masturbating. I couldn’t see anything.

I walked around the hotel room a bit, and then went downstairs and outside to walk around. Went around the block and I felt very comfortable. I decided then and there that it was staying on until I got home. I walked a few blocks to a nearby FedEx office and mailed the keys back home with a note saying I would explain when I got home. I spent the next four days successfully not masturbating for the first time in my adult life. I threw the packaging away and put the little brown case bag thing that it came in into my suitcase to be unpacked when I got back home from my trip.

When I arrived home, my wife wanted to know what the keys were for. Since the kids were up, I told her I would explain later. That night after the kids went to bed, I took my wife into the bedroom, shut the door and had her sit with me on the bed. I confessed to all the years of masturbation. I told her how badly I wanted to stop. She said she was surprised to know that I did that, and that I was doing it several times per day. Then, the question; what are the keys for? I stood up, slowly lowered my pants and underwear and showed her the Holy Trainer.

This is where things, in my opinion, went a direction I didn’t expect. I expected shock, and maybe even accused of being a pervert or something. She got this mixed look of happiness and sadness on her face. She said she was sad that I needed something like that to stop masturbating, but she gave me a big hug and deep kiss and said she would be proud to help me quit masturbating.

This was the point in my wife’s experience that she was hooked. She later told me that knowing that I could wear something that would keep me from being erect or penetrating got her really excited. This was that little hint of happiness that I had noticed. She had secretly wished for years that I would lose the ability to use my penis. She wished I was impotent so that she could make love with me without my penis having to hurt her.

Anyway, back to narrative. We tried keeping me locked except only for intercourse. This wasn’t working all that well because we hardly ever had intercourse. After several days, I would get antsy and ask for relief. My wife wasn’t thrilled with this. Then came a night that changed a lot of things.

I think we had been playing around with chastity for a couple of months when my wife got her period back (remember she had been breastfeeding for the last year or so at this point). I was demanding sex one night, and she informed me that she was having period. But then she suggested that I just stay locked up and we could do “everything else”. As she would later admit to me, she had been planning this moment since the day I came home with the device. I agreed, but was honestly not sure what to do. I knew how to do some foreplay with her, but then what?

I began touching and kissing her; and was getting aroused. I kept trying to forget about it, since I knew I had agreed to stay locked up. But my wife was acting VERY different from usual. She was touching me, grinding against me, guiding my hands to where she wanted to be touched and just really acting more aroused than I had ever seen her. I got all of her clothes off except her panties. She guided my hand down to the outside of her panties and had me start massaging her vulva. She was getting really aroused and was grinding her vulva against my fingers. Even through the panties and her pantyliner, she was feeling really, really good. Then, she had the first orgasm of her life. It wasn’t what either of us expected. I always imagined it would be like a Hollywood movie with moaning and all that. But she started giggling and crying at the same time. It was like a person who has finally been let free from prison after being wrongly convicted and serving many years. They were tears of joy. After seven years of marriage and seven years of terrible sex, she finally had her first orgasm.

She rolled over and hugged me and told me that I was a good husband. I was elated, but at the same time a little confused. She was happier than she had ever been, and as she cuddled up to me, she drifted off to sleep. I, on the other, hand was hornier than I had been in a long time, and I had no way of stopping it. As she lay there sleeping, I contemplated how she must have felt all those years. How she must have felt like this after every time. She would get aroused, only to be left wanting (and hurting).

The next week, going on my second week of being locked without any relief, I was getting pretty desperate for sex. This time I asked to be unlocked so I could have some relief. She reluctantly agreed. The intercourse was just like old times. Horrible. Her crying, me feeling stupid. I asked her if she would really rather that I had stayed locked up. She said yes. I asked her often she would want me to be unlocked for intercourse if she preferred this, her response was, “If it were up to me, never”.

This started some conversations that spanned the next few months in which she told me about her fear and hatred of my penis and of being penetrated. She admitted that from the first time she saw me locked, she wanted me to stay that way forever. It was also during these discussions that she confided that she didn’t like being in charge of it. She didn’t like feeling like I was another child to supervise and hide a key from. Since my Holy Trainer doesn’t really give good access for hygiene (and she requires meticulous hygiene) I need to be unlocked nearly every day for cleaning. She said that if I really wanted to make it everything she wanted, that I would take care of the key and cleaning and all that stuff. She didn’t want to have to supervise and enforce it. She just wanted a chaste husband without a bunch of hassle.

Over the next couple of months I got used to keeping the key in inconvenient places that I couldn’t just run and grab it any old time. I also had to develop a routine for unlocking myself and cleaning without masturbating. This turned out to be a big source of temptation.

I had some failures along the way, but was doing fairly well in March 2016. By this point, she was well into her 2nd trimester with our youngest child. If I remember correctly, I had been locked up for three months at this point. She decided to give me some PIV since I had been so good for her. Her plan was to give me PIV one last time before the baby was due in July. This never happened. The last month of her pregnancy she just never felt like doing much sexually, the baby was born July 10, and she didn’t want to try any intercourse for at least 90 days afterward.

This became the longest stretch of continuous chastity I have done to date with no cheating. I stayed locked from March until our anniversary in November. I remember that at that point I had actually started to forget what erections and orgasms felt like. But, I had a failure a couple of weeks later where I masturbated.

Then another stretch of a couple of months to a monthlong streak where I actually gave up on chastity for all of March of this year. I was so fed up with myself for my repeated failures. Then in April I felt bad for breaking my commitment to my wife, and decided to give it another go. This time, my goal is to eventually get a PA piercing and something a little more open that allows better hygiene. I have been locked now since the last week of April, and am still trying to work up the courage to ask my wife’s approval for a piercing and then go through with it. I don’t think she will approve. I would like to have something where I can put the key somewhere more secure for longer term wear and not have to remove the device for hygiene.

So, anyway, that’s the whole story. Or at least as much of it as I could remember and write down. We don’t fit the typical couple’s profile for a site like this, but we are what we are. I’m a guy that wants a happy sex life, and my wife is a woman who needs a chaste husband in order to have a happy sex life.

 

That's the one device she forbids me to buy. We looked at some devices online and she hated the look of the Jailbird and the other devices like it. She said it looks like a torture device.

Since I don't want to have multiple devices to manage, I need one to do it all. And so far the Evotion Wearables looks like the best solution. I travel 4 days per week for work and the ability to go completely Plastic with the locking tabs is very appealing. I can get through TSA with no worries and not have unlock. Then reinstall the regular lock when I get back home.

 

What is "rule #8"?

 

I hope it can give inspiration to any other men out there who might be where I was two years ago. Having a wife that wants you chaste isn't exactly the fun thing that a lot of men fantasize it to be. I actually had some dark times when I doubted her attraction to me and doubted my masculinity. Locking your cock up for somebody else can have some pretty strong psychological effects, even when you're doing it voluntarily.

I also left out a lot of those hard times. I mentioned that I gave up on chastity for all of March. I did this because my wife was having one of her dry spells where she just had absolutely no interest in sex. She didn't even know I was unlocked the whole month and into April. That was a very low point for me. I just wanted to give it all up. I ended up putting the device back on of my own volition. I decided it wasn't worth losing everything we had gained and I had masturbated a few times and felt foolish for going back to where I didn't want to be. I never want to be a masturbator again.

I also want to make it clear that I'm not some kind of sexual victim. I get a lot out of being chaste for her. Even losing the use of my penis, I am far happier with our sex life than I ever was before. I can't express adequately how terrible sex was for us before. I was frequently depressed and even borderline suicidal a few times over the fact that I only caused my wife pain and misery every time we had sex. I felt guilty and ashamed of myself.

Even though chastity is her "thing", it has given me a great sense of freedom and even power. I had never experienced a feeling of masculine power like I did that first time we made love with me locked up. Seeing her get so turned on for the first time in our marriage was a life changing event for me. She had never really been more than uninterested during sex and most of the time crying, and to know that I now had the ability to really please her in a way that she liked gave me a huge power rush. When she started admitting her true feelings about it to me, it didn't take much to convince me that I needed this as much as she did.

Has the path thus far had some bumps? Yes. Just because I wanted to do it for her, it didn't mean old habits died easily. Saying you're going to lock your cock up for good for your wife and actually doing it are two very different things. I had conditioned myself to frequent orgasm and ejaculation through daily masturbation for many years. I also had a phallo-centric view of sex from the time I hit puberty. Adjusting my mind and body to a sexual lifestyle that didn't focus on my penis didn't happen overnight. In some ways, I would almost compare the struggles I had with somebody suffering withdrawal after quitting a hard drug. My heart wanted to do it, but my body and mind wanted what they were conditioned to.

 

Ah, now I see. Yes, that is good advice. Comparing myself with others is always dangerous.

 

That may have been sound advice several years ago, but we are far enough down this road now that I don't think either of us would want to take the exit ramp onto a new path. She really enjoys things as they are, and I am finally able to enjoy her without any consequences. Plus, part of it for her is watching me not be able to have an erection. I can't think of anything else short of castration that could match that requirement. And that is definitely not an option. I've already given up my penis, I'm not about to give up my balls too!

 

I really wish that she would let me do that. I have always fantasized about giving her oral, but she thinks it's dirty and disgusting. The first time I tried it she was horrified and said it made her feel like "a cheap hoe". But over the last couple of years I've gotten really good with my hands (according to her, so I trust that evaluation).

She did let me kiss her vagina earlier this week, so who knows, maybe there's hope.

 

Last night we had one of those moments that made me feel like it's all worth it and I would do it all over again for her.

We were having some "quality" time, and she was caressing my balls with one hand and running her other hand gently over my cage, and she said "I'm so glad I don't have to feel afraid of you anymore and can really enjoy you the way we're supposed to be".

That made me feel like a million bucks. Knowing that she feels safe and protected appeals to something within my idea of manhood and satisfied me like few other things can.

 

I could wax all magnanimous and act like it's all been self sacrifice, but honestly our sex life was horrible to the point we were both suffering emotionally and psychologically from it. I get a lot out of being locked up for her sake, I don't think I could go back to the way things were. Once I experienced what it was like to make love to a wife who was actually enjoying it and I felt no guilt afterward, I never wanted to look back (well, with the exceptions of the times I just wanted to use my cock really bad).

I've never been addicted to anything like smoking or drinking, but it must have been something like quitting a substance habit. I knew that the desire for using my cock would only lead us back into the same suffering, so it just took time to break the old nature and develop a new one. If you want something good bad enough, you will fight through temptation and occasional failure to get it. And the benefits we have reaped so far have been worth it.