The Reluctant Wife Dominatrix (from my Chastity Perkins writings)

Oh Shit, My Husband Wants Me To Be His Dominatrix, What Now?
You want me to what? All of a sudden after years you want me to punish you and lock your penis up? Like some sort of kinky dominatrix? I don’t think so!!!

A bit of advice for wives, females in committed relationships, and males that want their significant other to enforce chastity, indulge in kinky, distasteful sex-acts, or other things you might stick in the category of “not normal”. First there’s shock, surprise, a feeling of some sort of betrayal, maybe even disgust. Know this; After having gone thru this, it’s not as unusual as you might think. It’s also something that’s not going to go away in most cases, and maybe, just maybe it might actually be good for you and your relationship.

WTF? Why Me? I Thought We Were Normal
Okay, you’re a “normal” person, with a “normal” relationship, and a normal job, normal life, and all of a sudden your husband or significant other wants you to be some sort of fantasy dominatrix and this just is NOT going to fly. Maybe you’ve even tried it once after he nagged the crap out of you and you just felt silly/dirty/like some sort of porn-actor whatever. All you know is it didn’t feel good for you, or the thought of the whacked out fantasy just made you feel crappy in some way. It’s just not for you, you don’t want to be any part of that. It certainly doesn’t feel “sexy” or gratifying at all. You wish he would just get off it already. Maybe you even found out by accident via his sick and twisted internet porn stash… maybe you feel betrayed and there’s ZERO chance you are going to participate in his little fantasy where he’s envisioning all of those internet dominatrix porn stars. NO FUCKING WAY!.

I am sure I did not cover all the bases for how female partners feel and might react to any of this female domination stuff. Especially if it involves male chastity. I can tell you I had very similar things go on in my head a few years ago. I just didn’t get it and it was the farthest thing from who I am and what I want. At least it did when I was thinking about it entirely from my point of view. Sure I’m game to spice things up but this? I’m a normal person, normal life, normal job, not a sex worker, porn star, or even close to any of that stuff he’s so attracted to on the internet. I have no desire to be one or FEEL like one either.

Fast forward a few years after I went down this road and now I’ve talked to more than a few wives/female partners that are in the same boat. You’d be surprised how much this exact thing comes up in commited relationships and marriages and how many other couples are in the same boat. Hell, you don’t even like “dirty talk” when engaging in intercourse, never did and probably never will. This, this is beyond the pale.

Where do you go from here??? How can this get “fixed”. Maybe your husband/partner/whatever will FINALLY shut up about it and things will be “fine”. Maybe but I doubt it. Below are a few things to really consider with an open mind, or as much of one as you can muster. Please don’t take it as absolutes, every relationship is different. It might not be for you and your relationship, then again if you just look at it a little differently and truly understand what’s going on here you might figure out a way to go down the road yourself with your relationship. There’s even a chance it could make that relationship better than it ever was. Trust me on this… when your husband/male partner tries to explain this it will be absolutely the wrong way to explain it to you. They don’t really understand it so it comes out in a way that feels even worse than before you discussed it!!!.

1. The root of all of this is that your male partner wants you to care. He wants you to really care. You probably do but not in a way that he can feel every day or even much at all. He wants you to want him. Keep this in the front of your mind as we go down the rabbit hole in what comes next. Also realize you don’t quite get what he wants you to care about.

2. He wants to be owned by you. Quite literally. What? Why? Confused? Does this mean he thinks about cheating on you? Oh this is bad… You feel betrayed already. In what world do I HAVE to be some sort of kinky dominatrix and lock up his penis and play sex games with him every day all day to trust him. Now I really don’t trust him. In fact, I didn’t sign up for this. Who is this person? Hold on for a minute and take a deep breath, this may not be exactly what crosses your mind but there is some sort of reason this is NOT GOOD WITH YOU. I’ll tell you why and this is going to be a giant wake up call that at first will not feel good but if you really think it thru you’ll change your mind. Probably.

3. Typical males think about sex all the time. Not on purpose, it’s a built in thing. All the commitment in the world is not going to change a million years of evolution. What’s “worse” is that every female visual everywhere, real-life on the street, office, TV, internet, everywhere has a 50/50 chance of triggering “I want to have sex with that”. Again not on purpose, not in any I want to cheat on my partner way. I forget the exact statistic but you can look the actual science and research on this yourself. Summary = after looking at any given female the male brain decides within 1/20th of a second if he wants her as a sexual partner. Yes. Not on purpose, it’s built in.

4. I am not sure but the best I can make of it is that there’s some sort of guilt response to this in a way. Not exactly a pure guilt response but one that’s mixed up with him wanting to know how much he is committed to you. He wants you to know and care about this aspect of his nature and him. Your husband/male partner doesn’t want to be this way. He only wants you… but he wants you to care, he wants you to own this aspect of himself and take it away from him. He wants to give it to you literally. Yes he also wants this to lead to sex in one way or another, probably all the time. He knows that if you knew this about him (which you should and if you don’t then you are just not being realistic about it) it would make you unhappy. He doesn’t want you to be unhappy. He wants to be honest and he wants you to be happy. He wants you to own this aspect of WHO AND WHAT HE IS. It’s a gift in a way, the one that he doesn’t know how to explain at all but it’s one that comes from the evolved part of the brain not the other part. He actually wants you to participate in this aspect of his nature and who he is and he wants you to know you own it and control it.

5. Okay, I hope you are not feeling even worse now. If you are take a breath, grow-up and come back in a minute. Okay then… he really does want to make you happy and already does (in his mind) by NOT taking action on all of this that goes on in his brain all the time but he wants you to be a part of it, to own it, he’s already given it to you but really wants you to care every day. Does this mean you have to play this game every day. NO and that’s the part you don’t get. You don’t have to talk about this every day, you don’t have to play dominatrix every day, you don’t have to do “sex talk” all the time. In fact you can do none of that at all. He wants to know that you know that he wants to make you happy. He wants you to know that he is trying even when you are not talking about it. That’s what he wants, let me say this again. He wants you to know all the time that he wants to make you happy. He also wants for himself to have some sort of physical evidence of you owning that sexual aspect of him and evidence that you care about it all the time. That’s where the chastity enforcement part comes in. The part I had a hard time understanding. It’s not as if I didn’t control the sex anyway. He knows this he’s okay with it but wants a physical literal manifestation of this. You’re now saying well it would make me happy if he would just be normal and drop this. Go back and read the sentence again — really get it. This is the hard part to grasp.

6. Making you happy. There’s the point and once you come to terms with this you will understand that if you really have a committed relationship you really do get to make the terms. He wants you to make the terms. The terms can be anything you want. Tell him you will not dress up if that makes you uncomfortable. Tell him what will make you happy, not overall, but when it crosses your mind. Tell him if he brings this whole dominatrix thing up constantly you are out, in fact tell him he’s not allowed to ever talk about his penis or the chastity thing at all unless you want to talk about it. What about sex. If it doesn’t cross your mind so be it. If it does also remember it will be on your terms. It doesn’t have to be anything you don’t want it to be. In fact it will be exactly the way you want it to be, he wants that.

7. What about this punishment stuff and all that whips and chains and fetishy stuff? You are just not in the mood, to much energy, not you. No way. Okay, I get you. Great, don’t do it then. Don’t even discuss it. He does want you to tell him if you are not happy. He may actually want to be punished if he is making you unhappy. Don’t want all that weird sexy-punish-me talk? Good tell him never to talk like that ever. What happens when you are unhappy with him? Like maybe right now because of all this crap? Here’s an idea… punish him. As in actually punishing him. You do this already in some way. Just make it more explicit, don’t keep it a secret. Let him KNOW what he did and punish him for it with him KNOWING that you are and then actually forgive him after you punish him. This is a giant aspect of what is going on with your male partner. He doesn’t want to guess, he doesn’t want to argue or debate or fight, he doesn’t want the cold shoulder or some vague thing he doesn’t get (you may think he should but he doesn’t really). He wants to know why you are unhappy, he wants you to punish him, then he wants to be forgiven and you to be happy again. Do you have to whip/spank/whatever him as a punishment??? Of course not. Be creative and make it something you are comfortable with. Take his internet away for the weekend, suspend TV privilege. If you share some household duties make him do your share. Want it to be sexual, make it sexual. It really will be up to you. This is the biggest part that is strange and feels weird at first. I can tell you if you do this right it will be beneficial to you and to him and to your relationship as a whole. Face it, you do this already when you get angry but you just don’t do it explicitly. Change that and you’ll be surprised how good this is for both of you. Here’s some advice, DO NOT make chastity the punishment. Well you can but that’s super dependent on exactly what the terms are in your relationship. If you really don’t want to do the chastity/penis talk then maybe that first bit applies. Here’s the point. As you go down this road you get to make the terms up as you go along and you will be surprised that instead of being some pain in the ass sex game it sort of becomes much more natural and you can bring any of this chastity stuff in or completely eliminate it from the discussion. Hell, I can tell you the first time I decided to actually physically my husband hat was not part of a sex-game thing it was very rewarding for me… It was not at all getting dressed up in a costume and whipping the crap out of him. It was just something that crossed my mind at that moment. I locked him in the dog’s cage for an hour. Afterwards it did lead to my sexual gratification. That was something I would have never predicted. Be open minded.

8. What about sex. This is something that is highly personal to you and there’s a good chance iyou are already not having a lot of sex. Hell your sex life may be non-existent and part of it might be this whole god damn dominatrix / chastity thing in the first place. Hell he has chastity already so what’s the point. I don’t feel like having sex with him and he already knows it unless he’s an idiot. Maybe if this wasn’t in the way you would be having sex with him. Hard to say, every relationship is different. Remember these are your terms. Damn right he’s not having sex, and guess what he does know it. So take a chance and own it. It’s what he wants and remember when I told you to make the rules… if you think this is a back door into sex-talk dominatrix fantasy all day everyday make sure he knows it’s not. What about you? Again very personal but be open, the first time you ALLOW or DEMAND or even just ask him to do something you want without ANY commitment to satisfy him at all it will be an awakening for you. You do not have to play-act this all porn-star whore sex-talk. Take it slow really, if you kinda sorta want some sort of sexual anything, hell even if your not sure have him help you. It will be very strange at first but there’s no reason to rush into any sort of crazy shit. Have him rub your feet/back/neck.. if you want more go slow. Stop when you want to. Make sure he knows this has NOTHING to do with sex for him if you want. Or not. Let him know if it’s okay to ask. Or if it’s not TELL him it’s not okay to talk about it at all. Want him to beg and say no, go ahead. Whatever, this is on your terms. You really are giving him what he wants.. he wants you to care, he wants you to know he’s trying, he wants you to know it all day every day even without talking about it. He wants you to own him. Now really what about sex for him? Well this is obviously up to you. If you really have no interest in having intercourse with him — fine. How do you feel about masterbation? He was/is doing it now more likely than not. I won’t give you any prescriptions as each woman will have to figure this out. I can tell you that I am NOT okay with masterbation while fantasizing about OTHER women so I worked something out when/if I really did feel it was something I wanted to be part of even if I didn’t want sex. Ask me for advise if you want but I have to know more based on YOU and your feelings first.

I know first hand how big a problem this can be in a relationship. I’ve certainly not covered everything but feel free to comment. I’ll try to answer in a productive way if I possibly can.

 

Thank you. I wasn’t sure if it would be too long a posting for the forum threads.

 

Ye and yes, as it says on the thread title. And on my profile information.

 

Thank you for you’re well considered reply, it’s appreciated.
I am not sure either how to like profile photos but as a little thank you for your kind comment above I attach a larger photo of my profile pic.

 

Thank you I am thrilled to hear my writings have helped so much in your chaste life.

 

Thank you sarah, it’s lovely to hear people are still enjoying my writings, I may return to write more.