The Porn Expectation

I got into chastity for several reasons, one being chronic masturbation after my wife and I moved away from our longtime girlfriend and the sex level dropped very low. Porn and/or masturbation is only a problem if it causes a problem in real life. Masturbation feels great, seems to have health benefits and best of all is free. It is only when in intrudes on your life that it becomes a problem. Not medically defined as an addiction. More of a habitation.

I never visited a porn site until I was in my sixties. I was doing stuff more interesting than watching people have oral or intercourse for 45 minutes. Boring. Even most of the fetish stuff was not what couples at home would do. Mostly pro domme stuff. Oddly enough, I find myself watching and enjoying porn a lot more since I have been locked up 24/7. Although I can masturbated locked into any of my devices, I made a promise not to and have kept that promise for 5 years. Plus I enjoy feeling constantly aroused and turned on by just a glimpse of my wife's breasts. Watching porn increases the already high level of sexual arousal borne of several months of orgsm denial. I enjoy feeling a sort of sexual rush and my penis twitching in its cage. I have been tempted many times to go over the edge but I would only be cheating myself.

Porn allows me to be denied orgasms for many months. It is my teasing and view of what is to come, pun intended. Porn can be destructive or it can enhance a relationship if it results in more and better sex with your partner. You can also learn things as long as you realize that what you are seeing has to be viewed with an eye to reality and not edited sex by paid actors. As they say, everything in moderation.

 

I liken any activity that affects your life in a negative way to be a problem. 20 years ago I was caught drinking and driving. I had to attend a class for alcohol counseling as part of my sentence. At that class, the first thing he said was that we all had a problem with alcohol. I was like oh here we go, here comes the soapbox. But instead of telling us we were all evil alcoholics, he said “if you didn’t have a problem you wouldn’t be here, wasting your time, costing you money, and losing your right to drive. Alcohol has made a negative impact on your life, what are you going to do to keep that from happening again?”

It really put things in perspective. He didn’t say we had to quit drinking, or join a club, we just had to find a way to eliminate the negative. For me it meant finding a driver if I’m going to be out drinking. For some that meant quitting drinking all together.

If porn or masterbation is creating a problem...what are you going to do to change it? It could be quitting porn altogether, could be wearing a chastity cage, it could be only looking at porn while caged. Porn isn’t the issue any more than drinking...if you are letting it affect your life and be a problem, then it is one.

As far as the fantasy of porn versus the reality of life not equaling...porn is fantasy. It’s very nature is to tantalize and to give in to fantasy. Rarely do real life experiences pan out exactly like fantasy, and everyone should understand that. Ever experience anal sex with your partner for the first time? All sorts of lube all over the place, bottles spilling on the sheets, taking it super slow, trying to keep an erection when you aren’t able to really do anything for minutes while she eases into it, your finally in and you both realize you can smell a lil something you shouldn’t but no one wants to say anything. Some can even slip out while your doing it or clings to you. And with all the build up and super tightness you end up ready to blow right away. Not exactly how they write it up on a porn video. Life doesn’t work that way. Real sex can have many attributes, accidents, laughter, slips, positions that don’t work, tissue paper dust, rogue hairs. I once got cum in a girls eye that made it swell up like she was stung by a bee.

Porn is fantasy, not an expectation. Use it as a tool for what excites you, but if it is a problem, fix the problem however you want.

 

yourbrainonporn.com has a lot of resources to help guide you away from the addiction. And it is considered an addiction by many authorities. Anything that can increase the dopamine in your brain you can get addicted to, so porn is no different.

 

I got into self-locking chastity early last May, having seen some chastity porn, and having found this website. As my moniker implies, I needed to "Giveitup." What I needed to give up was almost daily masturbation, usually fueled by porn. I saw chastity as a way to do that. I had become more and more jaded, and kinky, as my wife stayed solidly vanilla. Like you, @PouchPantyLover, I rationalized that if my spouse were a more adventurous lover, or had a higher sex drive, I wouldn't need Internet porn.

So now, while she is moving toward more frequent sex, I lock-up on business trips, and spend my time masturbating in my cage. It's to chastity porn, pegging, FLR, etc. So, basically, I'm back to where I started, but with a new kink. What makes it worse, it that a combination of blood pressure meds, locking-up and working hard to cum while wearing my cage, and becoming desensitized, I'm now borderline impotent when my wife wants sex. She has never come from penetration, and I can almost always get her off with my fingers and tongue, but she craves PIV, wants to be penetrated, and wants me to cum in her... but lately, I can't! I can barely stay hard.

Long story short, I need to give up the porn, too. I had some form of sex all weekend, but could not cum. I am going to lock-up, refrain from jacking-off and refuse to have an orgasm, until I am inside of her. Otherwise, what's the point? If that doesn't work, then my chances of successfully convincing my wife to dominate me, or becoming my key-holder are between zero and none.

 

Uuummmm....yep. Stop getting yourself off would be a good start to chastity and having a keyholder.

 

Good Luck buddy, it is hard to walk away. Porn was like a gateway drug to more heavy stuff when I discovered it. Started as girl on girl and got wildly out of control over the years. I too look at less now that I am locked up and don't really miss it. But also like you I have stumbled onto the Tumblr pages and they take no time to get me straining. Next thing I know Im sending Gif's and all sorts of stuff to my wife hoping she will incorporate it and then I feel like an idiot. Its like screaming "HEY! Im not getting enough attention! Come shove something in my backside and tease me so I can not get off!"

Doesn't really work that way I suppose. Perhaps porn is a quandry but I wouldn't be locked in a steel Queens Keep without it.

Supporter of the cause..

 

Act all the time like you are trying to earn a release / orgasm...whatever
and do so with the expectation that you will not get one.

and here's one for the brave amongst you. If she offers to permit youa release or orgasm ask if you can make a request if she agrees ask if instead you can make the evening /day whatever all about her because you want to demonstrate how much you'd rather please her whilst being denied.

 

Thanks, Captain Obvious...

 

I was thinking it was a lil obvious too. That’s why I was a bit surprised that you wanted this to work, wanted her to see you desperate and horny, yet continued to get yourself off.

Trust me it’s worth it to let go.

 

That's exactly the struggle. What I want, and what I do, don't match. I had access to my step-dad's porn when my age was in the single digits, and discovered a series of his fetish-themed hardcore books in high school. Four plus decades of conditioning will not be undone overnight, regardless of what I want. That's why I was commiserating with @PouchPantyLover and his post. I read it a while back, and just kept chewing it over, and decided to pile on. My bride is quite vanilla, and has no respect for "weak" men. She wants an Alpha male 24x7x365. I'm headed down an improbable path - but it becomes an impossible path if I cannot manage my addiction.

 

Wishing u luck, giving something up is never easy. When we started this I went from roughly 300 or more orgasms a year to about 20. Certainly an adjustment for me, and not done without a great deal of help from her.

 

Thank you!

 

another thing you could do to help curb your porn addiction is to use a program like opendns. This will block all porn related websites. You could for example, set up opendns on your router at home and have your wife change the password to something you can't figure out. That might not work as easily on your phone if you use that but there may be similar things out there for that. This was something we had to do when we found our 8 yr old son looking at boob pics on his school iPad. So yeah there are things out there to help making it more difficult to view it.

 

I think it's great that you recognize porn is a problem for you, and you want to take steps to improve. That says a lot about how much you love your wife

I don't think porn is inherently bad, but as someone else said -- it's about how it impacts your daily life. In regards to the intense/kinky porn... Well, some of us ladies DO like playing with rough sex and things some might consider abusive. The magic word though is consent.

 

@Giveitup there are pills for that.. don't be ashamed of needing them, especially with the blood pressure meds.

 

I am in total agreement with you Mistress Jules.
To be honest I think porn gives and encourages both males and females to have unrealistic expectations of each other and themselves.
The porn industry standards or norms are for the vast majority of us unrealistic.
Larger than the mean or modal average breasts and penises potentially create feelings of inadequacy especially in the young and inexperienced.
The volume of body fluids emitted in porn films by both men and women are also for the majority of us unrealistic and even impossible because they are sometimes faked.
Also trying to emulate what some porn actors can accommodate in their variousand different orifices will no doubt run the risk of causing serious injury to the majority of the unaccustomed by the majority of the inexperienced.

I also believe that in regard to behaving as extremely as is often depicted in porn:-
the majority of men and women do not want to treat each other like that
or be treat by each other like that
nor do most want their partners to want them to behave as extremely as is often depicted in porn.

It seems as a society were are losing sight of the fact that most porn is either fantasy or based upon it and we would do well to both remember that and teach our young and inexperienced people the dangers of believing all they see.

 

your right. it is a losing battle. The best defense we have as parents is to educate them.

 

My girlfriend/keyholder and I have been together almost a decade but have always had a somewhat rocky sex life. I think we've stayed together so long because we are very open and communicative, and I see her more as my best friend than anything. My very sexy best friend, I suppose. It was also not until a year ago that we started living together. Before that school and life had us on opposite sides of town or opposite sides of the country. Thus even though I was in a committed relationship, it became very common for me to satisfy myself with masturbation whether it was because she wasn't even in the state or because I didn't feel like going over to her place or having company at mine.

When we finally moved in together (still the best decision we've ever made) this habit was really difficult to break. Especially since I've always had a hard time satisfying her sexually. She's very picky about exactly how she gets off and readily admits she's difficult to please. She even has trouble bringing herself to orgasm sometimes. This is improving as I spend more time focusing on her pleasure and I've recently finally been able to bring her to orgasm somewhat regularly with oral. We had different work schedules at first and I'd wait until she was gone and I'd watch porn and masturbate. We weren't strangers to chastity at this time but she wasn't interested in keyholding and I hadn't found a device I could wear for more than a few hours without a lot of pain.

I went down that rabbit hole of resentment with porn. Chastity is one of my biggest fetishes but I'm also enamored with the lifestyle that accompanies it. I'd at first look through all the more typical femdom porn but quickly grew bored because it's all so professional which makes it feel very fake. Then I discovered that tumblr is full of amateur kink and teeming with chastity, D/s, and femdom blogs many of which have original content. That felt a lot more real to me and for many months became my go-to source of sexual satisfaction. Of course you don't see into these peoples' lives when they're not feeling like filming videos or taking pictures so I have no clue what their relationship is actually like. Regardless I became resentful that we didn't "have anything like that". In retrospect feeling this was was terrible and selfish. Instead of focusing on what made my girlfriend happy I essentially wanted to top from the bottom. I lost sight of reality in favor of all these fantasies.

It's only been the past month or so that I feel our sex life is getting back on track. I have looked at very little porn for this past month and that has helped me so much. I'm more focused on how grateful I am to have such a wonderful girlfriend and keyholder, even if she isn't yet as confident and in charge as I'd like her to be. And that's the problem. I still have ideas of how she should be. In reality I should love how she is. I've learned over the past month that the more I push on her the less inclined she is to do anything I want. However, having patience has its rewards. The more committed I become to helping her grow while focusing less on my own desires, the more she actually ends up doing things that make me feel submissive and happy. The less I ask for, the more I get. I think this is becoming an example of a good feedback cycle. As I push less on her and accept more about her comfort level she feels more confident. As she feels more confident I feel more content with her level of control. As that happens I push less on her and become a better sub. I think we have many good months ahead of us, and I'm excited to see where it goes but I will always try to remember that this is about satisfying her needs, not mine.