I have had several conversations recently, with my KH and others, about monogamy and non-monogamy. It left me with a lack of terms to describe the different dynamics; I therefore started thinking about those dynamics, and what lays at the bottom of it.... I thought I'd share those here. It is of course nowhere perfect, but it's a fun way to think about it. I'm interested in knowing what you guys think, and how your personal life relates to it ... For me, it all starts with excitement, at least from a male perspective. I think it's part of our reproductive functions to feel aroused when a woman is having sex, and probably a lot more so if she is the one we desire most! It's our primal animal programming. But we are humans as well with big brains that are good at trying to foresee the future and freaking out. So as a second layer, we have possessiveness, an extension of territoriality. A desperate effort to control what we cherish in hope not to lose it. So my baseline is that our partner having sex with others is really hot, but also scary so as to make us want to control the situation. Then perhaps we can define non-monogamy by who is in control. I'm in control, it scares the hell out of me, therefore I forbid it. Here, both are generally in control of one another, in a consented 2 ways alienation. I'm in control. It's scary but it's also really hot, so I will allow it, but I will have a word to say about everything: who, when, where, how... For example, it can't be Bob, I want it to be a 3some, not in our home, etc... the woman is to some degree a sexual object to the man's fantasies. She is in control; the woman has full control of her sexuality, and pursues her on agendas, fulfilling her needs and desires when, where and with whom she wants. The male might feel deep respect for her strength and love her for it, or adopt strategy #5. Or just struggle with jealousy... . He is in control ; a fantasy often mentioned in the Boudoir. We are back at #1 or #2 except the male in control is the lover, who acts a like an Alfa male. Not entirely sure how viable this is IRL, but I'm sure it exists. In this scenario, the original male is probably bottoming No one is in control ; I would call it the desexualization approach; things are just happening, no one has control over it. Let's live our lives and pretend like it's no big deal. This strategy will probably cut down the excitement attached to the all thing, but also help let go of control struggle, and possessiveness. There are probably other possibilities I haven't thought about, or combinations of the aforementioned ones. So which are you?