The 'Labor of Dominance'

It's called a power exchange for a reason. To devote genuinely, requires sacrifice. In D/s, there is no democracy.

 

To be honest I get the feeling you are picking at a sore over and over.

Either you want to submit or you don't. Decide...

 

OK. Describe what it means (to you) to offer someone submission, describe what that would look like. Describe what it looks like (to you) for a woman to be dominant.

I'm trying to figure out what you imagine a dominant-submissive relationship to look like in the day-to-day or in a scene. Because it sounds like you don't have a clear idea of what a dominant would want from you.

 

Conversation and friendship is good, and it's something that many lifestyle dominants will want. But that's an equal exchange -- that's the relationship part.

But in your description of "submitting to her in whatever way [she sees] fit," I hear you only describing things that she does to you and for you, and nothing that you do for her.

I enjoy controlling someone's sexual releases and dictating, for instance, what he should wear for the day. That's part of my dominance, and I enjoy the sense of control. But that's not all there is to it. I also enjoy being served. Being able to express my wishes and have them fulfilled is a key part of dominance for me. Sometimes my wishes are "Get on your knees and remain there until I tell you otherwise." And sometimes my wishes are "I want pancakes. With chocolate chips." (And, after that, we even get into anticipatory service, which I love to receive and something that makes me feel extremely dominant.)

If you have no interest in service (and it sounds like you don't), that's something good to know and to explain to anyone you're negotiating with. Maybe what you want is a bedroom-only dynamic, or to find someone for whom service is not essential. Most of the female dominants I know want to receive some sort of service, so if you refuse to offer service, you may limit your pool of potentials.

 

I'm just going off what you've said in this thread about not wanting to offer "submission plus something else" and your description of submission, which included ways for her control you. You seemed to react poorly when I suggested you should be prepared to enrich her life.

There's the rub. If you can figure out things to offer her, ways to actually serve her at a distance, then you will have a much better chance at a successful long-distance relationship. Most submissives don't have any idea of what they can offer remotely, and most dominants don't have any idea of what they'd want to get remotely.

 

I didn't answer your poll because I think there is no one single answer to this question. Everyone is different and every relationship is different despite some of the glaringly simplistic generalizations in this thread. I also don't think helping answer the question is going to help you find what you're looking for which appears to me to be a relationship.

I can share with you that in my marriage I tried on numerous occasions to introduce a kink to my wife and it fell totally flat. For whatever reason she took to chastity and orgasm denial like a fish to water. It surprised us both. She genuinely enjoys the FLR we live with now and wouldn't want to change back anymore than I would. That doesn't mean she is dominant 100% of the time and I am submissive 100% of the time. There are things she doesn't like dealing with and wants me to be in charge of ranging from cockroaches to car salesman to vacation planning.

If you are asking for advice I would say find a person first. Don't try to find a domme. You can look for a person that will have the characteristics of a dominant; confident, successful and intelligent. If you're not looking for advice, then just ignore and carry on.

 

Not really, however I think people that display those qualities have a greater chance to be dominant than those that are timid and unsure. My broader point is that I think it's hard to find a genuinely dominant/submissive relationship if that is what you are looking for going in the door. My experience and the people I have met on CM lead me to believe that the most successful chastity relationships have occurred organically after a non-chastity based relationship has been established. Walk before you run kind of mentality. I'm a long way away from the dating world of today as I've been married almost 18 years now. Still I think any successful relationship starts with simple chemistry and not a checklist of kinks and desires.

 

Nice. I hope you've gained some perspective here.

Now let's talk about how disrespectful it is to blatantly disregard a Dominant woman's boundaries time and time again, hoping she'll break down or "change her mind" because of how awesome you perceive yourself to be.

The OP approached me after reading my profile, which explicitly states that I'm not seeking additional keyholding opportunities, to request that I control his orgasms. I politely declined, which was apparently a mistake as he felt the need to persist. And persist. I had to repeatedly clarify that I'm not seeking anything outside of my relationship, let alone anything online- I just don't see the point, personally. I am in fact too busy to drop everything once a day to confirm or deny whether you're allowed to orgasm, as you suggested, and get absolutely nothing in return. I enjoy the tangible parts of a power exchange.

My time is not inherently worth more than yours. The point is that you're seeking and I'm not.

 

Whenever I see questions like this, I must always consider whether it's in the context of sex-life fantasy, or reality, which (for most of us) are 2 separate things. Example: I am locked 24/7 and have been for most of the past 7 months. My beautiful wife/KH takes the lead in our sex life and around the house in general. She even manages our finances, pays the bills, gives me an "allowance", etc (which she's done for many years even prior to when we adopted male chastity) OTOH, I work full-time and earn all of our income, and have done so ever since we married. She does not work outside the home, and never has. We have 6 children, all of whom were grown and gone when we started chastity.

So what does that mean, regarding the importance of our time? I am fully convinced we are partners in a business sense. We created 6 new lives together and saw them thru to adulthood. I brought home the money and she did the majority of the day to day stuff with the kids. As far as I'm concerned, those duties are equally important. In the sense of our intimate life, we are also partners (obviously chastity doesn't work unless both partners are into it). We like to tell each other she's in charge and that my cock is worthless, therefore she should be allowed to make all decisions about it. But, down deep, we both know its fantasy. But we both love it and have no plans to go back to "vanilla" sex. I fully anticipate being locked indefinitely, and have no desire to be unlocked except for occasional rewards at her discretion. As a part of that fantasy, she is clearly more important.

 

Threat?
You mean thread.
Freudian slip much?

If you have to try to quantify value of people vs. people, you've already wronged them and yourself. If being in a D/s relation is exclusively what you desire, and you enter that with an expectation of any kind, it seems to me that even in your mere expectation you have already asserted yourself more than any true dominant will put up with. It is likely you are not actually submissive, and instead are interested in fetish. Fret not though, as you are part of the vast majority. A real relationship takes time, so perhaps you should look into a professional dom to test yourself and discover what fills your desires before you get overly consumed with a chase that will lead to nowhere.

My two cents. Not trying to offend.

For most of my time here I identified myself as sexually submissive, but as I searched through what i wanted i discovered that it is the fetish that appeals to me, and my wife. She is more stubborn than dominant, and i am more an outsider than submissive. Ultimately for us it is a game we find time for when we can as life is always in the way.

Best of luck.

 

Then I think you have your answer. The person whose time is "more valuable" is the one who has the experience/skills that are in higher demand in the marketplace.

In the marketplace of dominant women and submissive men, dominant women tend to be in higher demand and thus can ask for more — either literal money in the case of professionals, or high-quality service and submission, in the case of lifestyle dominants.