The 'Labor of Dominance'

You are probably right, it does seem like subs are obsessed with being subs. I think it's probably due to struggling with identity and trying to come to terms with being honest with themselves, more than being self-centered.
Or maybe I'm just an idealist.

 

My kh was not naturally a dominant person. She enjoyed the benefits enough that it grew on her to the point where being dominant (or keeping me submissive) was natural.

The roles are different but nobody’s time or effort should be more important or thought of as worth more in my opinion. Since the roles are different however, the ne role requires more effort. That is the role of the dominant. Sorry. The sun has one priority...the dominant, they however must think of their needs as well as their subs. They do the heavy lifting, thinking, and are probably more responsible for the success of their dynamic than the other. All the sub has to do is follow, it’s just more effort to lead.

That’s not saying they are getting nothing out of it, enjoying it, or feel that it’s worth it.

I would imagine that burden would be a lot easier to carry if the dominant were getting a sexual thrill from doing so, some don’t, and just like the results. Mine started as a result driven desire, but after a few years is now avidly turned on by her title, and stopped incorporating my fantasies and focused on hers.

I would hope my efforts to please her is just as important and worth just as much as hers...but I recognize that leading is work.

 

It doesn't take a lot of effort for me to be dominant in the way I like to be dominant. If I felt like I had to "bend over backwards and move mountains" to be dominant, I probably wouldn't be interested.

Where I do see these kinds of conversations popping up is when the discussion is around online-only play/relationships. That type of dominance can be much more of an energy and time suck for a dominant, because it feels like you're putting so much more into it than you're getting out of it.

So, yes, for a man who approaches me online and asks to be controlled, to be kept in chastity, and to be given a list of tasks, it's often difficult to see what *I'm* gaining out of it. While I've had some satisfying online-only interactions, it often feels like "labor" in a way that in-person play and dominance does not.

 

What a pity, if this is commonplace! For women that do this, it sounds like wasted opportunities to get what you want (and need) while training him to perform properly. I couldn't imagine 'faking' the pleasure I'm supposed to enjoy, purely for 'his sake'. Why reward insufficient performance? Seems it'd only instill bad habits that are harder to break later.

Regardless, he'd know I was faking if I ever even tried. Maybe I'm more insistent that he gets it right when compared to some, but he's gotten much better over time so I'm glad that's been the case. He does complain of a sore tongue after a few long sessions, though... but he still doesn't stop.

To those subs that can't tell the differences between a real or fake orgasm... My condolences go to you. Talk to your partner(s) and ask how they feel - and listen to the answers without taking offense! Practice, practice, practice.

I'd agree to that, for the most part. For us, I essentially created the initial forward momentum and have expected him to keep up the pace since then. It started snowballing and picking up speed when we were both moving at a similar pace; now the load of our D/s is 'easier' to bear between us. I never felt like I was working fruitlessly, however, even during the hard times.

With power comes responsibility... and I enjoy the responsibilities of My position. I also cherish them. It's empowering to know another strong human being has committed themselves to you in such a way, to follow your example and directives. As such, large waves of agreeable reciprocity seem to occur naturally - just from us fulfilling our individual roles.

Same here. Before I met My husband, I had many enjoyable online encounters with male submissives but there always seemed to be a wall that would ultimately get hit (except with one, obviously ). That's when it started feeling laborious. Frenzied states can be a total turn-off in online scenarios because there's only so much that can be 'done' about it, whereas in person it can be one of the most fun states in which to keep a submissive.

There's definite distinctions among settings, and I'd say they are innumerable and not always obvious. Each setting has its own set of pros and cons.

Generalizations, while sometimes helpful, more appropriately belong in the conventional aspects of life rather than within kink, in My personal opinion. If you attempt to understand one element in its entirety, you may be exercising this effort in futility ... from what I've experienced, very little within kinky lifestyles can be defined so stringently using black and white.

I've discovered that you're bound to offend someone when speaking generally, often regardless of intent!

In this case, I'd argue it's pretty hard to say that since there's no hard data to rely on - but that could apply to just about anything. Sure, many partners get roped into online involvement and are less intrigued by the atmosphere than the other, but I think it goes both ways.

A perfect example is My husband! I brought him here and he is rarely involved in ongoing discussions on CM, but he didn't join because he was submitting to Me. He doesn't 'play a part' - when he's here or otherwise. I would think many people who identify as Dominant do things because they want to do them, not because they are coerced.

But who knows? Those generalizations strike again...

I'm pretty curious where this assumption comes from...

I don't think either role is 'easy'. You can be a natural on either side of the slash, but I would wager that the work and mental devotion put in by dedicated submissives can pile up quickly - which is why you constantly hear of the internal battles being fought when subs consider the implications of complete obedience.

For instance, I don't think it's easy for most subs to comply with orgasm denial, not for a second. But is it worth it, for both (all) parties? Absolutely. The same goes for a Dominant that reaps the benefits of service from their submissive(s). Some subs are harder to train than others, but I wouldn't say I've ever 'bent over backwards' for one.

Although I am in the process of 'moving mountains' ... of paperwork, to get him here with Me. But that's due to love, another subject entirely...

 

The truly dominant woman can indeed survive without a submissive. However Mistress, I think every dominant Woman needs to feel that She is over something or someone. Dominance in a world of one is the same as being at the top and/or bottom of one's own world. Sustaining? I don't think so over time. Your projection of Your dominance whether in Your narratives or videos suggest You are projecting to someone or bodies. I believe You are true to Yourself and expect those who Devote to You understand that it really is only about You. Their needs are incidental at best, irritating at worst. To feel truly dominant, someone has to be truly submissive. As for obsession? The truly submissive cannot be so, without some recognition from someone dominant.

 

Maybe, maybe not. I think the feeling of subjugation can consume the truly submissive, to the point where unconscious deference gets taken over by the need to devote more overtly. Where does one such go where he (usually, but she too) will not be dubbed; deviant, pervert, creep? A good sub will devote for life, they are hard to find.

 

So true Mistress, but maybe a small price to pay for a loved one who in all other things is the one!

 

Agreed, the slave and servants job is to serve. This should be without conditions. At the Mistress's will, irrespective the tariff.

 

@SmartandObedient, there is quite a bit in here, so I shall keep my response simple..
True obedience should be proffered without agenda or condition. It's less about who's time is more valuable, it's about use the valuable time a Mistress grants you to be the best submissive you can be.

 

Copy that!

 

The fetishist is obsession in motion with sexual connotations. Not good submissive material IMHO. This is why my own submissive has no sexual elements in his life. It came down to; do you want pretend dominance or real dominance? I will only proffer real dominance for real submission. He is very happy.... and so am I

 

If by "compensation," you mean money, then yes, some dominants charge for their time. Others are lifestyle dominants and do not charge for their time. In discussions of dominance, dominance styles, and motivations for dominance, it's helpful to separate the two camps.

With a professional, you typically get domination that is (more or less):
1) Immediate
2) On your terms
3) With no strings attached

For many men, this is highly appealing -- for a fee, they can get what they need, when they need it, and then return to their vanilla life. This service exists because there's a demand for it.

That's what professional domination is -- a service you book with a skilled professional, just as you would pay a plumber, a caterer, or a massage therapist.

If you don't want to pay, then you can seek out a lifestyle dominant, someone who enjoys engaging with submissive men on a friendly or relationship basis.

The tradeoffs are that it typically takes a long time to find someone you're compatible with, you can't necessarily dictate what fantasies of yours she is going to fulfill, and she may want some kind of ongoing relationship or at least ongoing service. For some men, these tradeoffs are exactly what they want. For others, these are compromises and entanglements they'd rather avoid.

So, if paying for domination is something you don't want to do, then don't go that route. Don't pay for it. Wait until you meet someone who aligns with your personality and kinks.

I'll add the caveat that if you are seeking an online-only relationship, however, many lifestyle dominants just aren't interested in that, and so you may be finding a higher proportion of professionals.

 

I agree, professional dominants are key to the submissives who want to guarantee their needs are met and my sisters in the trade provide a valuable service. Findomme is also devotion to the superior female. I know there is a moral line to this, but I see this again as an agreed contract between Dominant and submissive.

 

Then there's your answer. If you're not interested in professional domination, then look for someone who's in the lifestyle. Still, be prepared to explain what you have to offer; she won't want your money, but she will still want someone who adds value to her life.