The Journey Continues

Discussion in 'Chastity and orgasm denial' started by rrjones, Mar 12, 2010.

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  1. rrjones
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    rrjones Property of Desiree

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    For those of you that have read my thread in The Foyer then you know I began my chastity as a way to gain my wife/KH's trust back after an affair. I have also posted a copy of our contract. It has now been 4 days and I seem to be handling the CB2K pretty well. There are things that I have yet to get used to, like, having to sit down to pee, including having to wipe like a girl to get the drippings and my groin waking me up at 330 am every morning. I haven't had any problems, so far, with chaffing but, I was getting up and down off of a forklift and one of my "boys" decided that he wanted to slip out of the ring. That tells me that I need to drop a ring size. Other than that, I really don't think that is has really sunk in that I am truly locked down so to speak.
    Now here is were it has gotten interesting, my wife/KH has taken this very seriously and has already started to change. Several days ago we were having a discussion about what she needed to do to keep this going, i.e. the tease and denial and took the advice and sent me to bed very horny. The next day I get a phone call from her, she informed me that it was not my place to dictate how this arrangement was going to work, that was up to her, and since I wanted to interfere and interject that my release date has been moved from the 7th of March to 15th of March. I can live with that because I work out of town and wouldn't be back till the 14th anyway. Well this morning she informs me that she has decided to take the kids to her mother's on friday and pick them up on Sunday. Says she needs some time to "decompress" with no one around. I text her back and tell her that she does need the time to herself and I suggest that maybe she get a hold of one of her girlfriends and have a girl's night out.She texts back and says "Can I do MY weekend my way....ect" I text back that I was sorry I said anything and was trying to help. Several minutes go by and I get a text that says " You self centered selfish man, how DARE you try to make me feel guilty! MARCH 26th that is your new release date. I am not playing into your petty bullshit. If you would like to go for a month then keep acting the way you are." Needless to say I was floored, and impressed, my wife/KH is usually a very docile woman and I have never seen this side of her. There is a part of me that is extremely turned on by this behavior. I called her on my lunch break and we talked for a few minutes about the text messages and how she was feeling. I, being the guy I am was't seeing her perspective and .....well ....... was being kind of an ass about the whole thing to the point of hanging up. You know...... in hindsight, that really was the wrong thing to do and I found out a half an hour later when she finally answered the phone to tell me that my release date is now April 2cd. I apologized for my rudeness and told her that it would not happen again. She accepted and we had a very nice conversation afterwards.
    We discussed that when I get home that I would need to remove the cb2k to clean it and me and she then told me that I would be tied down and SHE would clean it and me because she didn't want me to touch myself at all. Damn, that really sucks, I miss my "buddy" but I miss my wife more. Be careful what you ask for..........
     
  2. cockislocked
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    cockislocked Senior Member

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    Perhaps this will help... It would appear you were trying to be helpful but she has rightly decided you will not be allowed to too from the bottom. Topping from the bottom is quite common.

    i think you should negotiate a method of asking Her if you maybe allowed to express a view or make a suggestion without the fear of sanction. Try ' please may i offer a suggestion' if She grants you air time all well and good. She can decide to incorporate your idea or suggestion or ignore you. If She says you can't speak your idea keep quiet!! It will help you workout your submission to Her as it is not easy to hold your tongue.... i am sure you can use your Tongue in a way that will please Her.....

    All the best
     
  3. Celtic Queen
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    Celtic Queen Senior Member

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    Morning

    Why not have a discussion with your wife about conflict resolution during chastity? It sounds like you need to negotiate levels of punishment as simply extending your lock up time may not bring the desired effect that you both seek for the "big" things that really piss her off. Believe it or not, it does actually help her as she is going to need to grade the punishments handed out depending on the transgression and how serious it is. I find it helps me keep everything in perspective if I have to cooly write it all down and it does take the temper and resentment out of arguments.

    I suggest you should think about this carefully (and read up) on corporal punishment before opening up the conversation. How would it feel if you got a spanking from her if she was really angry because you were exhibiting a behaviour that she had tried to correct before? It has to be adminstered firmly, reasonably and most of all - lovingly. It isn't a license for random husband abuse!! From your part - you need to accept the punishment like a man and not resent it.

    Dealing with an agreed list of unacceptable behaviours and an attendant list of punishments will help you understand clearly what not to do and help her "train" you so that you can both move on quickly having dealt with what is at the heart of each argument. You will also get a sense of scale of what upsets her and you have a clear guideline - agreed and discussed.

    No one said any of this is easy but there again - neither is marriage!

    On a happier note, you might also want to discuss what constitutes behaviours that please her and demonstrating such behaviours bring a reward - always at her disgression. Now, you might after some time being married think that you know all the items on both lists but I think you will be surprised what gets "outed".

    It does all sound rather formal and contrived - it certainly did to me when we first started - but it does work to get the ball rolling. All the hidden undercurrents get brought to the surface and dealt with positively and quickly. It's really tough communicating across the gender divide but with patience, it can be done.
     
  4. lockit
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    lockit Advanced Member

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    celtic queen i enjoyed your reply to rrjones i hope he takes it on board.
    i wish i had someone like you when i was married us men can be so selfish . topping from the bottom
    and trying to justify it and even believing they are doing it for there loved one.
    i am not having a go at rrjones.
    maybe if i had half the advice you just gave plus a kick up the backside. i would still be married today.
    rrjones as celtic queen pointed out you may think you know your partner you could be surprised
     
  5. rrjones
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    rrjones Property of Desiree

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    Hmmmm

    Wow! both of you have made some interesting points. I do think since it was brought up that I have been trying to top from the bottom. I am, at heart, a very dominate person. So this will be a rough time for me to adjust to. I want very much to submit totally to my wife/KH both physically and emotionally but old habits are hard to break. I think that the conflict resolution idea is a very sound one and I am all for it, so that will be something I think we both can get on board with.
    I think I could use some help on the negotiating of different levels of punishment. The corporal punishment is a great idea but, the only problem I have is that I work out of town 4 days a week and I am not sure how that would work. Please, correct me if I am wrong, but, punishment should be dealt with in a reasonably amount of time. Let's say, for the sake of argument, that I commit an infraction while I am at work, I would have to wait several days before punishment is administered. Doesn't that defeat the purpose of punishment, I'm not sure. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
     
  6. cockislocked
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    cockislocked Senior Member

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    its your FAULT...Punishment - Its not when it happens, its how and why it happens


    Everyone has a different situation so that has to be worked into the relationship to suit the needs of both.

    Okay... i too often work from home and your post raises two main points. First point is help on negotiation of punishment and second when it should occur. i will respond in reverse order.

    So if you were to make a mistake and trasngress whilst you and your Wife were out shopping for example i am pretty sure you wouldn't expect Her to put you over Her knee in the middle of the street an tan yiur arse? So you are both going to have to wait until you get home and punish you then? Bearing in mind that between you commiting an offence and Her punishing you is going to see you behave impeccably to avoid further punishments. Am i right? This focus on KNOWING you are going to get punished wil also help you process and think about what you have done and will re-inforce the behaviour She wants in you. Trust me, this is VERY effective in modifying behaviour.

    A personal example may help. my Mistress really HATES it if i leave the toliet seat up... evertime i did i was put straight over Her knee, forced to speak my infraction and to acknowledge it upset Her. Then She took the paddle and gave me 6 heavy strokes, there was no warm up, it was a full on beating and it was major pain. At one point She was that annoyed i got 15, it will make you cry i promise! However after She had finished we cuddled and moved on and i strove to correct my behaviour as fast as i could.
    :spankwhip:

    It took Her about 2 weeks to completely alter decades of behaviour and now i rarely leave the seat up, i can't actually remember the last time i did. So the point i am making in a rather rambling fashion, is that knowing you will be punished is PART of the punishment. Do you think just beacuse you are away She should forgive you? You earn forgiveness by taking the punishment. After all is it fair that She has been upset by you and has no way to deal with it? It is not Her fault you did wrong (assuming you have been told by Her the types and standards of behaviour that a now required of you).

    So, now on to the first point of negotiating. This is so personal to each situation and i can't possibly determine the situation you are in with your Wife but maybe i can offer some general guidelines from the experiences i have had with my Mistress?

    1. Talk about punishment calmly
    2. Never dispense/receive punishment when even a little drunk - seriously don't you try and use that as an excuse to delay either!
    3. Always ensure that you know why She is punnishing you Comunication is KEY
    4. you must accpet the punishment with grace
    5. When the punishment is complete thank Her for helping you correct your behaviour
    6. Puniushment is a last resort - Reward for good behaviour is always preferable (in my view!)

    Mistress uses corporal punishment for the following transgressions as a matter of course, the punsihment is always an OTK spanking which is both humiliating and uncomfortable as She makes me keep my legs straight and my palms flat on the floor.

    1. The dreaded toilet seat error! now a MINIMUM of 10 hits
    2. Being cheeky to Her (she defines what is cheeky, i have a good idea and she does warn me ONCE if i am getting close to the line)
    3. Doing tasks set badly and not to Her (very high) standards
    4. Disobedience and rudeness


    She teels me how many i will get each time She administers the punishment and this is not negotiable.

    Mistress uses several combinations of pyschological punishment on me too, to be honest these are worse than the physical beatings. Recently She made me write an essay to a tight deadline, knowing i was loaded at work, on the roles, responsibilities and needs of Dominants and submissives as a part punishment for a major transgression, she was edging me one night and i was so high i asked to cum... a major error on my part and She immediately stopped touching me and rolled over went to sleep Her last words were' Night honey - you're gonna regret that...' I received CP too the next day and a series of tasks.

    Sorry this is a long post but this was a big part of me dealing with my submission to Her and having worked it out together we now have a pretty good system and framework to put arguments, transgressions and bad behaviour behind us and move on as a couple. i have a clearly defined set of boundaries and that makes me stable and happy.

    i hate knowing She is upset with me, after all i (and you) are/am in control of ourown behaviour and how we present to the world. It is always my FAULT if i am punished, think about that, it is in your power to never be punished just by behaving right and get the rewards of knowing your Wife is happy... How bloody brilliant is that???????

    Regards to all.
     
  7. Celtic Queen
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    Celtic Queen Senior Member

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    Not much to add to Cockislocked's postexcept some points of clarification

    What I will add is that the main concept behind punishment is not just revenge for transgressions but a consistent method of "outing" unwanted behaviour, dealing with it and then moving on. What it puts an end to is moody silences, unspoken resentments and unresolved disputes. Your question about the timeliness of punishment is important so I'll clarify - it isnt meant to be done in anger, in the heat of the moment. It is done calmly, with love and understanding so - as hub says - often its the anticipation that makes the punishment so much worse. I never punish him when we are both in a highly emotional state so there is always a lag between the behaviour and the punishment. If you have both discussed what an unacceptable behaviour is - you shouldnt actually need to be punished immediately - this isn't canine toilet training and you KNOW when you have done wrong. You are an adult who has made the decision to hand control over to your loving Wife. For her part she needs to master new behaviours in order to exert calm, consistent and loving authority over you.
     
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