The dreaded conversation

Discussion in 'Chastity and orgasm denial' started by deniedworshipper, Oct 30, 2018.

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  1. Jessica Alexander
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    Jessica Alexander Trans woman not a mistress or Dom

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    This is SO important. My ex wondered why I kept so much from her but she was so hard to talk to. It is amazing when you find someone that makes communicating feel so easy and natural. I will never get involved again with someone that I can’t talk to easily. Luckily, mistress and I can talk easily about most things.
     
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  2. Joey love
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    Joey love Long term member

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    It’s also irrelevant- you didn’t do it earlier. Just like you I stumbled on it later in life. I wouldn’t ruin my relationship over it . But for the ones just starting out in relationship the sooner the better, but slowly.
    You are no doubt excited about it but she probably won’t be at first
     
  3. Doug Scibor
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    Doug Scibor Long term member

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    I brought up BDSM (more bondage than anything) in the beginning of our relationship and she tried it because I wanted her to tie me up. She wasn't a fan. Since then she wishes that I'd share less about what I want but we've found what works for us over the years.

    I think bringing every kink and fetish up at the beginning of a relationship can be overwhelming and may not be all that helpful to the long term health. Let her know you have an 'exploratory mind' and go from there.
     
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  4. Cincy
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    Cincy Long term member

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    I just told my wife I wanted to play orgasm tease and denial, which meant more orgasms for her and less for me. Then I should her a post on CM where every man said they would rather be teased and denied, than have a glorious orgasm. She was convinced, and it's been wonderful ever since.
     
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  5. b2please
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    b2please A fun and powerful game!

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    So many years ago, I mentioned my attraction to being bound early on. She was open minded, and tried to make it fun, and now she's quite an accomplished rope rigger! But she was never going to be as into it as me.

    Then I discovered chastity about 10 years later. Again, she'd give it a whirl, but I was very bad at letting her take control back then. She thinks it's funny. She enjoys short games.

    We are extremely compatible. Though she thinks if something happened to her I might look for someone kinkier, I don't think so. There are lots of important dimensions and she's perfect in nearly all. Men tend to be a bit kinkier I think.

    But make sure she's open to exploring and trying to make the best of things!
     
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  6. Jasmic68
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    Jasmic68 Long term member

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    Talking about sex of any kind is an absolute minefield. It’s something that my Wife and I have only really managed to get right in the last few years even though we’ve been married for nearly 30 years. The way we got it right was as a result of her taking control 3 years ago. Her rules gave us a platform on which boundaries and processes were set and stopped me overwhelming her.

    Anyway, there is an absolutely brilliant YouTube channel which covers sexuality called Sexplanations. I don’t think they have ever dealt with chastity as such but they have done videos about bdsm and pegging.

    https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL_zdi3TflN9LjEjkqh3OwKb-l8o-ieODH

    The reason I recommend them is there are some videos in which they cover this topic, how to talk about needs and desires in ways that don’t horrify or stress out the other partner. I would definitely give them a watch.
     
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  7. Realisticlylocked
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    Hi, I have dated women m POF website for about 12 years. Had one relationship that lasted 5 years and a couple that lasted around a year.

    I have tried to find partners on more obvious kinky dating websites but found it very hard to find anything deeper than the kink -if that makes sense.

    I would say probably 50% ofthe womenI went on a date with from POF we’re interested and open to chastity (and the typical things that go with it)

    And 10% were VERY into it

    My advice - be open early on - but don’t focus too much on it.
    I wouldn’t bring it up on the first date .... but probably the third or four. And not expect her to actually be a keyholder for at least a couple of months.

    Maybe I was just lucky -but this approach worked well for me :)
     
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  8. deniedworshipper
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    deniedworshipper New member

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    Thank you, everyone, for your advice - I really appreciate your responses, and the time and effort everyone put into them! There is certainly a plethora of great information above, and it is a testament to the quality of the membership of this site!

    If anyone wants an update, this is a girl I have been on and off with for about a year. We both have busy careers, so relationships are always hard enough. Recently, we've been developing deeper feelings, and are trying to aim for something long-term.

    The other night, I admitted (post-sex) that I hadn't had an orgasm in the two weeks prior. I did so because she noticed that my stamina was reduced from my baseline (a fact she was actually happy with, because without meaning to brag but I used to leave her a it exhausted!). She said that I didn't need to do that just for her. I then told her that I enjoyed going without orgasm. She seemed to accept this, but then changed the subject to something non-sexual (which is typical, as she doesn't like lengthy conversations about sex).

    Does anyone have an opinion on how I did, or what her reaction might indicate?
     
  9. deniedworshipper
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    deniedworshipper New member

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    Thank you all so much for your responses! I am sorry for not replying individually, but rest assured that I read every one, and they are a testament to the quality of the users of this website!

    If anyone is interested in an update, I started the conversation. After sex, I admitted that I hadn't cum for the preceding two weeks. I explained that this was why my stamina was more shortlived that usual (which she was actually really happy about - I normally last about 2 hours, and she finds this tiresome). She was initially taken aback by my period of abstinence, and told me that I shouldn't have to do that. I told her that I enjoyed going without, which she accepted. Being a conservative girl, she was then at the limit of her capacity for conversation of a sexual nature, and we moved along with our evening.

    About a week later, when arranging our next meeting after I'd been out of town, she said that we probably weren't going to have a "sleepover" (her code for sex), followed by an emoticon that she's never used before, a shocked one with its hand over its mouth.

    Does anyone have any thoughts on this? Do we think that went well?
     
  10. Doug Scibor
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    Doug Scibor Long term member

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    Sounds like you need to go REALLY slow. Her tolerance for kink may come over time but it is likely her exposure to such topics is limited and you get to be the one to educate her which offers you many ways to alarm her.

    You didn't get very far in your discussion so perhaps the next discussion is to let her know you're abstaining to be faithful to her. Leave it at that. Whether she understands it or not, she'll appreciate the premise and if she doesn't want to hold you to it, you can propose a "game" that you'd masturbate without her but not without her permission. You don't want to rob her of that intimacy unless she's willing to forgo it.

    That's about as far as I'd take her down this road for a while. Read her body language and don't push her.
     
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  11. collegeslave
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    collegeslave Junior Member

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    So I don't think trying to bring this up right after sex is the best idea. I think your best bet would be trying to talk to her about this while you're in a place that is comfortable for the two of you. Start by saying how much you love your sex life. Mention how you feel so comfortable and feel like you can share anything with her. Then I would either ask her if there are any things that she's wanted to try sexually that the two of you haven't done yet. After that either she'll ask you the same or you can mention that one thing you've wanted to try but have never done before is orgasm denial and having her be in control of when you're allowed to cum. If you feel like the conversation is going well and she is into it then you can mention that chastity devices exist and you have one but. You were worried about how she would react so you haven't brought it up before but you both trust her a lot and it's something you really want to explore with her.

    When having the conversation try to focus on it being something that you want to explore with her and not something you want her to do to you. It's supposed to be a fun aspect of your relationship that will help you strengthen your bond. If you put all the onus on her it probably won't feel like that and may just stress her out or freak her out. Focus on your relationship and the fact that you're so comfortable with her it's something you want to try with her.
     
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  12. Rectrix
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    Rectrix Long term member

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    And, most importantly, explain to her what's in it for her, that you want to do this for her, to improve your attentiveness and the intimacy in your relationship.
     
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