The dreaded conversation

Discussion in 'Chastity and orgasm denial' started by deniedworshipper, Oct 30, 2018.

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  1. deniedworshipper
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    deniedworshipper New member

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    Hello everyone. I'm hardly new to chastity, but I'm new to introducing kink to a vanilla relationship. I'm currently seeing a vanilla girl, and we are suited in every way, except the physical aspects. The main issue is that my stamina is orders of magnitude greater than hers, and she feels guilty that I don't always climax during sex.

    Of course, I'd love to tell her that I don't want to. I'd love to confess that since before I met her, whenever I wasn't with a girl I'd be locking myself in a chastity cage, and denying myself orgasms.

    The other day I told her that I'd rather give than receive. She seemed to accept this, although there was a hint of incredulity, as if I was merely trying to be nice. How do I take the plunge and tell her my deepest desires?

    I realise that this is likely an impossible question to answer. The internet is littered with sites that give the same advice: "talk to her, drop hints, make it part of the fun". But when a girl is reluctant to talk about sex, and will only talk about it for a few minutes before changing the subject, how do you get her attention and hold it?
     
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  2. Adam444
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    Adam444 Member

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    That's an interesting question. For those really into chastity, whether it be self-imposed or the result of previous key-holding relationship, when should you introduce the subject in a new relationship. As an aside, I'm kind of curious how important chastity would be in a new relationship, would the lack of interest be a dealer breaker.

    You didn't say how long you have been seeing this girl but it seems that for a lot of women, especially initially, the mindset seems to be that men are just looking for sex. Conversations about sex might be interpreted as asking how soon you will be getting some. She may also just be shy when it comes to talking about sex, hopefully that changes as time passes.

    My gut reaction is to wait a while and let the rest of the relationship grow, so that she becomes more comfortable with the rest of you. It's entirely possible that she will never been interested and depending on how important chastity is to you, how much time do you want to invest in a relationship that won't fully meet your needs. It's a tough question.

    In the meantime, make sure you are demonstrating the giving part on a regular basis. ;)
     
  3. Joey love
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    Joey love Active member

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    If chastity needs to be part of the relationship for you then just tell her. Hinting is great but with a vanilla partner it just may never stick. It seems a perfect opportunity is after her climax. Yes she probably does think your just saying it’s better to give than receive to make her feel better but that’s the opening in the doorway. The straightforward approach will invoke her to ask a few questions. From there go at her pace
     
  4. Bratty Boi Chastened
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    Bratty Boi Chastened Psychologically getting off by NOT getting off!

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    If being kinky is important to you, then I would try to find either a kink buddy (equivalent to a fuck buddy) or find somebody who is either openly kinky or shares the same kinky interests. Check out your nearest local BDSM scene for Munches and other meet ups, kink friendly dating sites, etc.

    It may take time. But it is infinitely more preferable than going down the Vanilla dating route, only to turn somebody off you because they are not kinky and have no interest in becoming so.
     
  5. corsac
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    corsac Active member

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    I waited a couple months to tell my now wife. I would have told her sooner but she was a friend of close friends so I was risking her being freaked and telling everyone I was a pervert! Lol. I have told 5 women over the years and 3 were interested right away. The other 2 didn’t even want to see it. I brought it up as really enjoying to be teased. Usually early in a relationship there is talk of fantasy and or kink as far as sex goes, in my experience anyway. It’s scary but if you are like me and chastity is something that has to be part of the relationship you should bring it up sooner rather than later. Long enough to know that it’s more than a casual relationship, not long enough that she will be mad at you for hiding something about yourself. Good luck!
     
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  6. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    I was the same as @corsac , we dated a few months and decided it was time to discuss my sexual nature. I figured it was long enough period for her to know if she cared about me enough to try, but short enough she could still cut and run without feeling she had invested too much time and be upset that I hadn’t shown her my true self.

    I told her “I’m sexually submissive, I don’t like being in charge of when or what kind of sex happens. I am game for anything but want to be your idea and your turn ons. I get excited making you excited.” Then I told her I have a lock that helps me give over total control to her, and I wanted her to hold the key to it.

    She immediately said that she didn’t want that kind of responsibility, I told her it would be the same as before, just unlock me when she wanted to use it. She thought it was odd but liked me enough to give it a whirl. Next thing ya know she did a bunch of research online, and got into it.

    I’m sure it won’t always work so perfectly, and there might be a few swing and misses, but if this is something that is going to be on your mind forever, she has the right to know the real you before she commits too much time into this relationship.
     
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  7. Jessica Alexander
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    Jessica Alexander Active member

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    Women are far more open to trying new things during the infatuation phase. Just keep it simple and tell her to keep the key and it will be ready for her whenever she wants it. I’d wait a while to bring up more.
     
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  8. Adam444
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    Adam444 Member

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    That's an excellent point (and one I wish I had thought of first)! The OP sounds pretty committed to chastity based on what he said about previous relationships. If he is that serious, she has a right to know up front. If it is something she wants no part of, she'll just be wasting her time by continuing to date him.
     
  9. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    Actually I believe that is the reason most wives get so upset when their husbands of “x” amount of years tell them about their sexuality. It’s not that they couldn’t get into it, or afraid to try, but turned off by feeling lied to for their whole relationship. Living with a stranger, and questioning everything they experienced since the beginning.
     
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  10. Adam444
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    Adam444 Member

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    Another excellent point! I guess that chastity and taken further in to things like domination, sissification, and feminization really fly in the face of societal norms so I can kind of see why guys might be reluctant to bring that up. A conversation early in a relationship:

    Couple 1: "Steve, what are you looking for in life?" "At some point I'd like to settle down, get married to a nice woman, buy a house with a picket fence, have 2 kids, and eventually retire to Arizona."

    Couple 2: "Joe, what are you looking for in life?" "At some point I'd like to settle down, get married to a nice woman that wants to keep my cock in a steel cage, tells me when or even if I will orgasm again, has me clean the house in a maid's outfit, and while I'm dusting goes out and sleeps with other guys." After that, I'm thinking the majority of women aren't going to want to hear much about the kids, house, or Arizona.

    I don't know what the answer is but I'm thinking the kinkier your kink, the smaller the percentage of the population interested in it will be. I guess too, it depends how important something is to you and if you're looking occasional fun or a full blown lifestyle.
     
  11. Tom Allen
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    Tom Allen Member

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    Years ago I read some post by a guy who said that he tells a potential partner that he's kinky by the third date. That way, there's no feeling that everyone has wasted time.
     
  12. Breathe
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    Breathe Wife, Owner, Dom/me, and KH of _and_smile

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    I'd consider most of the above to be great advice. Being open and honest can be quite nerve-wracking, but it's always the best move. Despite how well-suited pet and I are for one another, we too went through some tough times while sussing out sexual interests and needs. He was ashamed and afraid that I wouldn't accept him - a classic reason why these conversations don't occur for most people. Needless to say, he was pretty surprised by My acceptance and mutual interests.

    I'd recommend being direct; it'll save you both time and frustration in the long run.
     
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  13. Jessica Alexander
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    Jessica Alexander Active member

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    Just don’t mention that you did it with another woman or she will be thinking about it as something you and your ex had. Just don’t unleash the fury of years of pent up fetish on a newbie. Be patient and take it slow. It’s as simple as “she holds the key and unlocks you when she wants”. Let it evolve and grow from there.
     
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  14. HeavyFeather
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    HeavyFeather Member

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    I was in the same situation. I just came out a told her what I am. It’s been the best decision of my life. I’d rather be open and honest than live my life with a partner while her not knowing my deeest desires. Not only are you hurting her by not being open and honest, but yourself.
     
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  15. Breathe
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    Breathe Wife, Owner, Dom/me, and KH of _and_smile

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    Wish I could 'love' this. Good for you - and her!
     
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  16. Doczilla421
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    Doczilla421 Active member

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    After a week, I told her about being into bondage and all that associated kinks. That was 16 yrs ago. Didnt scare her off. The caging of my manhood has been the latest and that was almost a year ago, mainly her doing.
    If you want a relationship to last, you really need to be totally honest with her, and not surprise her years later. If she turns tail and runs then its not meant to be, with her.
    Good luck
     
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  17. Joey love
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    Joey love Active member

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    I’m married ‘X’ amount of years and my wife gets more pissed about me lying about how much I won in the weekly football pool! I usually just get rolled eyes when I bring up sexual kinks
    .....but I’m still trying:)
     
  18. Gigaman
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    Gigaman Kept by BK Wife

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    Very good advice from everyone. The only thing I can say is however you are thinking of bringing it up take it slow!

    Whatever is in your head throttle it back by 80% and that’s the plan that has a chance of working.
     
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  19. Jessica Alexander
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    Jessica Alexander Active member

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    Tell them early so you can find a compatible mate. If she runs, she’s not the one.
     
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  20. Cowboob
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    Cowboob Dumb ol' cow

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    Maybe I'm weird, but when I was looking for someone the most important factor was that I'd be comfortable sharing anything with them. A relationship is about two people enjoying each other right? And secrecy is such a big hindrance to that. Funnily my boss queen made me feel comfortable about stuff before we even got into a relationship, so I definitely told her stuff even earlier than I'd planned but hey whatever.

    I think if you feel you can't get it out, there might be a little problem there. It might just be my opinion though.
     
  21. henry58
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    If you're not seeing this as long term, then say something sooner. You don't really say what else you want from this relationship other than kink. My view is, if kink is the primary goal, things are less likely to be long term. It's like most toys, you will both get bored with it after a while. Personally i think love first, kink second.
     
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  22. CagedBySocks
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    CagedBySocks Member

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    I was with my other half for about a decade when I brought it up, it was simply something I'd stumbled on and found exciting. She said "fuck no". :D

    I couldn't imagine bringing it up in the early stages of the relationship.
     
  23. Tom Allen
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    Tom Allen Member

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    But that's the point I was making earlier: get it out of the way *now,* before you've sunk 6 months (or ten years) into the relationship. At least it's on the table, and there's no feelings of resentment over one person not giving in or agreeing to try things out in an already established relationship.
     
  24. CagedBySocks
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    CagedBySocks Member

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    I understand your point, I just can't imagine doing it
     
  25. Bratty Boi Chastened
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    Bratty Boi Chastened Psychologically getting off by NOT getting off!

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    If you decide to put a profile on Vanilla dating websites, as well as kinky dating websites, you could be upfront and actually say you are into kinky body jewellery, femdom / male sub BDSM and the Fetish sub culture.
     
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