The Chasity Paradox: Is Being a KH Exhausting for a Wife?

Discussion in 'Chastity in vanilla life' started by ChasteJase, May 30, 2023.

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  1. ChasteJase
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    ChasteJase Long term member

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    I saw a comment today on another thread today, but I have seen it on several occasions on CM in the past. The general comment/implication is that for a busy wife (especially with kids) introducing MC is just another chore for them and is likely not what they want or need. This comment is usually made in connection with men inquiring about introducing MC to their wives when kids are involved and the wife is busy. As a long-term procrastinator of introducing this lifestyle to my wife (with kids involved), I am interested to hear more thoughts on this topic. Is chastity something best left for empty-nesters and childless couples? Does MC make sense in a busy household?

    As mentioned in my title, this appears to be somewhat of a paradox of chastity. Men desire chastity for a variety of reasons, but one of the major reasons appears to be so that they can be less focused on their own pleasure and more attuned to their wives. At least that appears to be some of the greatest success stories that I read about and hope to emulate. At the same time, how can any such success be had if being a KH is really just another unwanted chore? I’m curious to hear thoughts on this. Please try to avoid debating what the “true purpose” of MC is, as that will only derail the focus of this question, which stated another way might be “Can a busy wife enjoy being a KH without finding it to be another exhausting unwanted chore?”
     
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  2. IB-Chaste
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    IB-Chaste Chastity Superman.

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    It’s not a chore if you both get what you need from it.
    It’s not a chore if it improves your sexual experiences.
    It’s not a chore if it improves your intimacy.
    It’s not a chore if she enjoys it more than not using chastity.

    It is a chore if it is something extra she has to do.
    it is a chore if it restricts what she wants.
    It is a chore if it doesn’t have any benefit to anyone but yourself.

    Relinquish the chastity fantasy and discuss what you want through this with your wife, you’ll find a way of introducing chastity into your relationship without it being a burden.

    If you want her to hold your keys to fulfil a dream you have found on the internet… no that won’t work.
     
  3. Vinnyfl
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    Vinnyfl Active member

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    From my personal experience, Key Holding can be exhausting for a KH. That is usually the case when a chastity contract exists. Most are written by horny men and they read like a user manual. They make it seem it is all about them but in reality the chastity contract forces the KH to take certain actions upon certain events.

    For instance the contract will list a lot of things and the punishments that the KH must administer if those rules are broken. Right there the KH is put into a position of having to take action whether she feels like it or not. There are rules about what is to be done to the guy in chastity and burdens placed on the KH to enforce things like feminization, and whatever else the guy wants her to do to him.

    We lasted 12 years because of no contract. Here is our deal. I agree to be locked except when my wife unlocks me. Sex is for her pleasure only. If she wants me to orgasm it and when is up to her. I am locked 24/7 but she does not have to check nor supervise my showers because my word that I will not masturbate is it. She knows I can jerk off even locked so the only thing we have is my word that I will not jerk off and if I displease her, she will make me wait longer for an orgasm than if I was good. She does not like giving me orders. In fact, she said she married me because I am very alpha like her dad was and did not want a slave or beta husband.

    For my part I help when I see an opportunity but she does not tell me to do anything or threaten me. All that stuff you read about online is there to sexually stimulate us. After 50 years in BDSM we learned not to make rules that will break, be forgotten about, not enforced and intrusive into our marriage. We leave out sexual fetishes in the bedroom as much as possible. Even when I was severely dominated by my wife and her girlfriend, as soon as we left the bedroom I was once again head of household and that is what they wanted. They enjoy dominating alpha males but feel safe and secure in relationships with alpha males.

    So, we have been into fetish play for many decades but outside of playtime or the bedroom, we are just a regular couple and no one is dominating me outside of our sex life.
     
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  4. Giles_English
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    Giles_English Chaste slave

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    I think ISO keyholding must be exhausting and unsustainable, unless the woman is really into it.

    However, I think a lot of couples find a happy stability with something not unlike what's described in my Chaste Manifesto:

    You only see us caged, especially in the bedroom (“What penis?”)

    You don’t have to hear about our chastity (“Chastity is fire and forget.”)

    You don’t have to explain (“I just prefer you this way.”)

    We’re still lovers and partners (“Husband or Boyfriend 2.0.”)

    We act as if our cage was 100% effective (“He’s caged. That’s it.”)

    We won’t pester (“No emotional labour”)

    We accept there may be no going back. ("Careful what you wish for.")
     
  5. knightly
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    knightly Long term member

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  6. Arlentia2
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    Verified Female

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    Like most things it’s a chore when you don’t want to do it and it’s not when you do. If something else is going on in the relationship or the KH’s life wherein the last thing on their mind is sex or taking care of someone else’s needs then it’ll feel like a chore.

    If the guy is going to be disappointed, annoyed, or resentful that they’re not getting the attention they think they deserve then it’ll become just another task the KH has to do to make the household run smoothly with everyone having their needs met physically and emotionally.
     
  7. ChasteJase
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    ChasteJase Long term member

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  8. jemima
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    jemima maid for my Mistress

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    i think that its a chore when some men keep want to be tease a lot and then keep ask to be unlock from the cage.
     
  9. WWSUB
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    WWSUB Long term member

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    I introduced chastity to my wife 8 years ago after my wife and I had our first child for several reasons but won’t go into those here. Because we were so busy with a baby, my wife going back to college, work etc… There really wasn’t and hasn’t been much time or privacy for things like tease and denial sessions and experimenting new things with our lifestyle in that time. It’s not because my wife doesn’t want too it’s just because it is a low priority and taking care of the family comes first.
    So my focus became more about serving my wife in whatever she needed on a day to day basis to make her life easier. This wasn’t easy for me because sometimes she’d be so stressed out we’d go two or three weeks before there was really any intimacy between us. I know in the beginning I was annoying as hell with talking about chastity all the time. That was probably one of the worst things she’s had to put up with, I was also bad about topping from the bottom for the first couple of years too. So in that sense, her maintaining chastity for me could easily still have felt like a chore in her eyes. However she saw the excitement and the benefits from this kind of lifestyle and embraced it and I finally learned to shut up, let her take the lead and roll with her ideas.

    I do think many of the empty nesters have more fun at least initially with chastity. The lifestyle seems progresses a lot quicker for them from the various blogs I’ve read, obviously with kids out of the house they can really focus on each other. Now they have the time and privacy and can really explore and experiment without as much fear of being discovered or a child knocking (bursting in) the bedroom door.

    All that being said I don’t think it’s at all wrong to introduce this to your partner right now. I have no regrets about my wife and I going down this path, we’ve both gained so much and learned so much about ourselves and each other. Everything had been worthwhile even when times were really difficult. It might be a little harder to get your partner on board with chastity as she might initially see it as one more thing to attend to but it also might be the excitement she needs to escape the daily routine. So I say if you want to try it then you should ask her and you both will come up with what works best for you in your situation. Our relationship is always revolving.

    Just make sure you do your research with chastity and you can explain why you want this for your relationship too her. Don’t get caught up in the fantasy stuff.
     
  10. Lazlo Toth
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    Lazlo Toth C/D on the TomAllen-Rectrix scale: 9/9

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    The irony for my wife and me was when chastity became "a lifestyle" rather than a means to reward and punish. Now I am simply locked because she prefers it. My behavior will neither shorten nor lengthen my locked time. My releases are ONLY for practical necessity such as a long bike ride, doctor visit, air travel, hygiene. And THOSE releases are handled by me. My wife now has zero 'responsibility' for my chastity.

    And she is enjoying it more than ever now.

    "Are you locked Honey?"
    "Yes I am."
    "Good!"
     
  11. Pepe_
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    Pepe_ Active member

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    That right there is the ideal arrangement!
     
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  12. Lazlo Toth
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    Lazlo Toth C/D on the TomAllen-Rectrix scale: 9/9

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    In a way it is. But it also means that the whole act of being locked isn’t as naughty.

    There’s an element of “did you brush your teeth?” to it this way. So there are some tradeoffs.
     
  13. Giles_English
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    Giles_English Chaste slave

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    I think this is incredibly common!
     
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  14. IB-Chaste
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    IB-Chaste Chastity Superman.

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    I think that’s because realistically, this is how it can fit into a relationship. For most of us we enjoy these as are two way, supportive, fun… putting the control of chastity onto one partner changes that dynamic, and as much as we maybe like to think it’s better, it wasn’t particularly broken in the first instance.
    For most of us, the longevity of this lifestyle will only occur when it is a joint venture, something we undertake together, something that doesn’t create challenge or even conflict between the pair.

    I’ve been thinking on this a lot recently, how can a FLR ever be genuine if the male asks for it in the first instance. The denial has no meaning, it was requested. It is fulfilling. The only true FLRs will ever be founded through female initiation, desire and will. Unless the man in the scenario actually doesn’t want it, then its not submission, it’s a balance of needs.
     
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  15. Giles_English
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    Giles_English Chaste slave

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    I have deep thoughts about this one! If you start a fresh thread about it, please at me.
     
  16. Tom Allen
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    I understand what you mean. I've learned to adapt my mindset so that being locked is a totally natural, default setting. And *that* ends up making it hot for the both of us.
     
  17. Jay Sub
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    Jay Sub Married with Cage

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    With a vanilla wife too, I find myself adapting my disappointment to some preconceived ideas/fantasies of things she might say or do into something positive. For example. You get the feeling of disappointment when you expected play and you get nothing, so you flip it and go with the more arousing "she's denying me"
     
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  18. Jay Sub
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    See my thread for more.
    https://www.chastitymansion.com/for...-in-a-vanilla-relationship.49142/#post-577104
     
  19. Giles_English
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    Giles_English Chaste slave

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    I'm starting to think that thinking in terms of vanilla/kinky is less useful than not playful/playful.

    Somebody can be not-very-playful-at-all and still delight in kink, just in ways that treat it as a tool.
     
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  20. littleguy3
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    littleguy3 Adoring husband

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    @ChasteJase GREAT QUESTION - it seems to me that the question is implying that there is an imbalance in the responsibilities in the home and with the kids / family; i.e. that the wife is taking on a greater amount of the responsibility, that her chores carry a greater weight than the husband. If she's too exhausted and the weight of the responsibilities are evenly distributed, he should be too exhausted for chastity as well.

    Hopefully, chastity changes the husband, he begins to carry and share the responsibility and they both have time for it because it's really about having time for intimacy.

    If both of you are too tired for it, then maybe priorities need to be changed and some other things need to go in the marriage, home, family, etc.

    I know this is a simple answer. My wife and I are not complex people. We are retired but I have been spending a lot of time looking back on our lives to see how this lifestyle would fit. And we both are very engaged now in the lives of our daughters helping to care for their children on a day to day basis. We are still parenting for absent parents. Our days can be very exhausting.
     
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  21. Lazlo Toth
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    LG3, you are a great credit to mankind—and this website.
     
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  22. littleguy3
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    littleguy3 Adoring husband

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    You are too kind!
     
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  23. knightly
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    knightly Long term member

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    I think this translates to communicating clear expectations, roles and responsibilities and accountability. From an FLR standpoint, making each roles intentions clear.

    Chastity = getting his needs met, not the chastity in and of itself. It's something she does for/with him so he gets his core needs met. From there, balance can be hit that fuels his energy in the relationship. For others, it may be something other than chastity, but it comes from foundational needs nonetheless.
     
  24. IB-Chaste
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    IB-Chaste Chastity Superman.

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    I love this concept.
    How can we ask for something if we’re willingly allowing our partners to shoulder more burden than ourselves. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll happily do this to my employees, they’re paid after all. It just doesn’t seem the correct mindset within a relationship.

    Where I think this logic falls short is in the fact that we all feel exhausted like 90% of the time! We have this amazing ability to stabilise within any level of prolonged pressure, it begins to feel normal. You don’t know how much you are capable of until you are truly pushed.
    People in physically demanding jobs may look at someone WFH and think that it looks easy, that person behind their computer will describe it as ‘exhausting’. Someone who lounges around watching TV and doughnuts will find it exhausting to walk up the stairs…
    It’s all about what you are accustomed to. There isn’t any situation that chastity is truly too exhausting to undertake.

    I think the sense of exhaustion that goes alongside it is more mental. We deliver it in an overly complicated manner. It’s the confusion that is tiring.

    If my experience of the last month or so has taught me anything it is this; when the harmony is aided by the cage, it is no longer a task or even noticeable. It falls into place naturally.

    Hindsight is wonderful, but I wish I had began my journey as we did recently. Reading and communicating about what we needed, without a predetermined decision that a cage was going to fit into that.
    It creates zero pressure, and therefore zero exhaustion.
     
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  25. herluckyboi
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    herluckyboi Long term member

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    I talked to my KH/wife about this. She said at the very beginning it seemed like a lot of work for her and added more to her already long list of personal/professional obligations. But now as the newness has somewhat wore off we are settled into a natural routine and it has just become a part of our lives. She teases when she wants and we have intimacy when she wants. As I have adjusted to my role of existing to please her and make her life easier, I focus less every day on the cage and more on her.

    So her responsibilities as my KH vary from day to day as she desires. I have been teased many times a day for many days in a row and have also been left alone for days. I find that the longer I'm locked the less I actually talk about being locked/released, the less I look at it in the mirror and the less I notice it. It has just become a part of me. Positive progress from when we started
     
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