The best resources for a beginner femdom?

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by Spizzik, Aug 8, 2017.

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  1. Spizzik
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    Spizzik New Member

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    My girlfriend has recently agreed to top me, but she's still a little gunshy on taking the lead, humiliating me, or anything else dom-like. She does cuck me pretty much daily, so that's great. I think she just feels nervous about getting started and all that. Any good online guides or books?
     
  2. tomf_22033
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    tomf_22033 Well-Known Member

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    Cucks you daily?
    Either she's awfully busy, your exaggerating, or .....

    That said, if you're real and she's dominating you then be happy. Women need to feel safe and comfortable. Don't push her, let her go at her own pace and be positive and supportive. Finally make it about HER.

    Let me repeat that. None of this is about you. MAKE IT ABOUT HER.

    If you get to the point that you love to please her, make her happy, then it'll work out. If not it won't matter.
    Based on your post you're not there yet. In fact I bet you have a long way to go. I've been there and know. In fact when I forget this it's when things become an issue. Thankfully in my case years of this have made me see this.

    Let me repeat. Let her do things at her pace and you'll both be happier.
     
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  3. Spizzik
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    Spizzik New Member

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    Oh man, a lot to unpack here. Alright so first, yeah "daily" is a pretty reasonable way to say it. One of her partners lives in the same building and I'd say, off hand, they have sex at LEAST twice a day. They both have INSANE libido.

    And yes, I know it's about her. The thing of it is that she wants to be dominant, but she's never really been exposed to it and I wanted to help find a resource or two she could look to for understanding and ideas. We had a really good talk about this.
     
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  4. tomf_22033
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    tomf_22033 Well-Known Member

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    WOW
    Talking is a good start.
    There's another thread going on Femdom lit going. So it shouldn't be too hard to find. You should look into that for a few idea. Keep in mind most BDSM material is focused on Male Dom/female sub so the discussion offers a few things.

    Other than that, the best thing to do is what I put above. Encourage her, be supportive, but don't push her. It sounds like you have a great start. So just try and enjoy the ride. BTW Vinny might be able to offer some stuff. His posts have a bunch of info so also search for all the great stuff he's offered.
     
  5. Mash2214
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    Mash2214 Her Locked Little Boy

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    Wow interesting arrangement your living in. Check out Books by " Georgia Ivey Green " they helped my wife become the Dominant Mistress that she is. Good Luck
     
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  6. c-w
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    c-w Active Member

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    For a first attempt to change the way of handling things, suggest her not any longer to ask you to do things in everyday life but to order you to do so. Just @ home for the little aspects of everyday life, it doesn't have to have kinky aspects from the beginning.

    Example: Going from “I'd like some tea, would you please make a pot for us?” to “I'd like tea. Go make some!”.

    Once this has sunken in, you can extend it bit by bit, so perhaps not only giving the order itself, but opening it with “Slave! …”.

    Or not confining it to your home but carrying into all day into the outer world. Maybe if you're out shopping, payment is done at the cashier and the bags stand on the counter, she turns to you, orders “Take and carry it!” and starts walking away without further ado while you collect things and follow asap.

    Just let this order-and-obey-structure become more and more standard and it might turn into a natural habit for her. Let things develop.

    Have fun
    cw
     
  7. c-w
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    c-w Active Member

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    Additional info: You could have a look into the book Getting her to be a Vanilla Dominatrix by Giles English. It shows some interesting points of bringing D/s aspects into a vanilla relationship and regarding what you described before there seems to be a good chance it won't stay vanilla for you. ;)

    Cheers
    cw
     
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  8. LadyS
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    LadyS Lover of LOVE

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    A few easy things for the beginning. Remeber these are just tips you DO NOT have to live by what is written here. Nor is anthing right or wrong. Do what makes you both happy.

    For Him:

    1. No nagging. Don’t push her into doing it. Let her do it when she is ready. Don’t pressure. If she says “I am going to give this a try when I am ready,” you are to back off and let her approach it in her own way.
    2. No asking for more. When she’s done with the scene or session with you, don’t ask for more. Even if you think you are complimenting her by saying, “Oh I am so turned on, please can we keep going” — DON’T. There is a time for communication (more on that later), but when she signals that she is done, you can’t ask for more.
    3. Don’t top from the bottom. No hinting at her, no telling her what to do, no trying to “help” her unless she asks for it. No trying to manipulate her into doing more of what you like. THE PURPOSE OF THIS IS FOR HER TO FIND OUT WHAT SHE ENJOYS. You already know what you enjoy.
    4. Don’t get addicted. The rush will be fantastic. Separate your relationship from your passion for these games and don’t let it rule your life. Provide her with appropriate affection and encouragement in the hours and days following her exploration, without expecting anything in return.
    5. Retain dignity. If groveling is your kink, please tone it down. Keep your reactions in check and note how she responds to your reactions. The goal here is to not have her feel uncomfortable when she sees you submit. All women react differently to varying degrees of humility in their mates. It’s your job to find out what her comfort zone is. It might change with time, but out of the gate you want her to enjoy it and not be distracted by you acting too pathetic for her taste.
    For Her:

    1. Enjoy yourself. Let go. Don’t compare yourself to the stereotype of what you think “female domination” is — whether it be a dominatrix you saw on TV or something you read in the newspaper or saw in an adult movie or B-movie. This isn’t the same thing.
    2. Enjoy yourself. Make sure you do the things you like and do them lots. If something feels right but you feel confused about it, know that you can reflect on it later, communicate with your mate and find out how you feel about it.
    3. Enjoy yourself. This is YOUR time. Do not get caught in the trap of thinking, “Ok, I can do this. I can stomach it to please my partner because I love him.” That’s not the point. It defeats the purpose.
    4. BE SAFE. Most of these examples are fairly tame, but always know your partner, his health situation, allergies. Always have a communication mode set up, either agree to talk openly during the entire time (So if he says “STOP”, that means stop), or set up a “SAFEWORD” if you prefer to role play — so if he says “STOP” and is just being dramatic, have a code word that really means “STOP”. Personally, I prefer open communication, especially if you are just starting.
     
  9. LockedPom
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    LockedPom Active Member

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  10. sissybitch
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    sissybitch Well-Known Member

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    Hello @LadyS If I may say I think those are some excellent tips , and not just for the beginners , as they would also benefit some of the more experienced
     
  11. LockedPom
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    LockedPom Active Member

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    Somewhat disagree with the "no topping from the bottom bit". Unless she is naturally dominant, she will initially need some help and advice along the way, and also know what you are into, limits, spanking accuracy, etc. So communication, feedback, and guidance before, during, and after the session is important. However, once she has a better idea of what to do, she should be more in control, with much less "topping from the bottom" required. Even in this case, communication during the session is still important, and a debrief after a session (doesn't have to be immediately after) should still be required.
     
  12. Vinny
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    Vinny Locked up again. Starting year 6.

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    After over four decades in BDSM as a sexual submissive/masochist, as said above, go slowly. It took me years before my wife's girlfriend became a good domme in bed. Most women do not want to dominate men believe it or not. I also suggest that you do not let your sex games bleed into your none sex life. That usually does not last long. Right now you are sexually aroused by the thought but if you actually do it 24/7 you will wake up one morning no longer aroused by it and just not feel like licking any boots anymore. I have been there.

    The advice above about a safe word is important. I learned the hard way laying on an operating table because I had a tear in my colon from a too big strap-on. We even use a safe word for chastity.

    If by daily you mean lock up and then get released to have sex and then lock up again the next day. I do not if you can call that chastity since part of chastity is orgasm denial past the point when you think you can not go any further. However, labels mean nothing. What is important is that you have fun. My first taste of BDSM was more about sexual humiliation like your girlfriend cuckolding you and then asking your visiting friends to gangbang her expected you to lick her clean. That is when I found my limits. It took 20 years before I could take a whipping that drew blood or a forceful kick to the balls. 35 years to get into breathe and knife play. You will need to show her what to do because many of the books out there are written for mostly a male audience who buy these books in much greater numbers than women do. If you look around Amazon ebooks there are a few geared toward non dominant women. I think the first one my wife read was something like The Good Girl's Guide to being Bad. It was written for non dominant women. Be careful what books you get as the can scare her off with talk about punishment, treating you like a slave while she eats Bon Bons all day while you do all the work. Just have fun and remember that the initial excitement to any new fetish will go away sooner or later, mostly sooner so try not to jump into the deep end to learn how to swim. It may be exciting at first but you can drown that way. :)
     
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