Talking about it without being explicit

Discussion in 'Chastity in vanilla life' started by Jah Rubbings, Nov 20, 2020.

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  1. Jah Rubbings
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    Jah Rubbings Jah Rubbings

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    To gauge how my vanilla wife is feeling about my 6 weeks of chastity and giving up masturbating I think I will ask this: "I haven't, but would you be disappointed if I masturbated and you found out afterwards?"
    L is engaged in many ways, been terrific really (see my Journal), but talking about it is slow going and I have to be careful not to load on too much at once.

    What do you do, or say yourself to gently keep things moving in the direction you know, but she is not as sure, is good for your long-term relationship?

    I am so relieved to have found a way to focus on her, but maintaining it is obviously key.
     
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  2. King Hippo
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    King Hippo Active member

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    Not to say all relationship with chastity are the same, but I can only speak from my experience.

    When I was six weeks into doing this with my wife after 20 years of playing with myself daily... I wasn't able to make rational decisions about chastity. All I could think about when "freetime" was around was orgasms and the future of the chastity in my relationship with my wife.

    When it was just her and I sitting on the couch for some nightly TV shows on NetFlix, I couldn't even pay attention to the shows. All I could think about is chastity and talking to her about it, and what she thought. I wasn't making rational decisions because it was on my mind 99% of the day and on her mind maybe 2% of the day.

    What you need to do to move this in the right direction is submit to letting her find it on her own. Let her know how you feel, if you want to be overly intimate with her then do it... but let her know why you want her.

    I feel my wife and I are at a really good point with this now after 6 months. I crave her attention, but that's it... I am no longer in seek of an orgasm (even though I really like them). A tipping point for us was when she realized how much more productive I was in all aspect of life when she would give me a little attention and not let me cum.

    She makes the calls now on our interaction, and there is no need for me to tell her how I feel anymore... because it is status-quo, she knows what I want all the time... but she knows she can't give it the "full prize" all the time or it won't be a wonderful experience... it will just be like playing with myself everyday to feel normal.

    Let your wife press your reset button and you will stop worrying about this stuff.
     
  3. Darlydixon
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    Darlydixon I love to be limpy

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    That is very good information #king Hippo being open is very important but also one of the hardest things to do for us males
     
  4. Jah Rubbings
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    Jah Rubbings Jah Rubbings

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    I asked her pretty much as I described before. She gave me a bit of a look and said "Yes, I would...that's why we have been doing more in between". I said yes we had, and that her answer was what I wanted to hear because it showed she cared about it.
     
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  5. Jah Rubbings
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    Jah Rubbings Jah Rubbings

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    I guess I am still seeking orgasm, but it is early days. I am however wanting to go longer than I have been allowed at the moment. Not that I'm complaining lol. We have talked about me wanting to go for longer and she has said I will get the opportunity. Possibly she wants to make love one more time before her TofM, but I have said only if she wants to. When I went 5 1/2 days before I felt I wanted to, and was capable of going longer.
     
  6. Jah Rubbings
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    Jah Rubbings Jah Rubbings

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    You are absolutely right Hippo about obsessiing. At the moment it is all I can think about, when I'm having a J in the shed. I am, hope very careful not to overload L too much. I have dropped this on her and she is coping well. Like I said in another post about collars. She has been open to a bit of light bondage in the past, but now is not the time for any other kinks I might have picked up through years of porn. I joked with the carpenters the other day that I'd given up porn, because I had finished it. What all of it. Yep. Seen it all. Big laughs. Little do they know the truth. Lol.

    Now is the time to focus on reaping the benefits of an improved relationship

    More in my journal about that later
     
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  7. jemima
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    jemima maid for my Mistress

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    when you first locked up in a cage i spose you got lots and lots of things to ask but when you been locked up a long long time then you dont.
     
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  8. Charles3451
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    Charles3451 Active member

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    How long have you been locked now Jemima?
     
  9. jemima
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    jemima maid for my Mistress

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    well when i first come and live with Mistress She got my first cage after a bit and that was in 2010 i think but i am allow to tuck when we go out to nice places but cos of the virus thingy we not been out anywhere for me to tuck since bonfire nigt and i dont know when i will be let out now. i dont mind really tho cos it dont hurt.
     
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  10. Jeffroid
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    Jeffroid New member

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    My wife generally doesn't like me wanking since she believes I'm wanking to fantasies involving the usual porn suspects. Funny now that I've been re-locked again after a few years break she's approaching it on her terms this time. We've been married long enough for her to know my own personal kinks. She told me this morning this is her show finally and not mine. That in itself is the epitome of what we all strive for even if her ideas don't exactly match my fantasies. The very knowledge she's embraced this kink and is using it on her terms is hot as hell even more when she does it on her tems and not mine. My thoughts anyway.
     
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  11. Jeffroid
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    Jeffroid New member

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    Generally speaking usually it's the guy who asks his partner to lock them up for a myriad of reasons. For many vanilla partners this is a shocker since it's outside the norm for one partner to explicitly ask the other partner to control their arousal and their access to readily available sexual release. Give her time to soak all this in and more importantly don't talk with her constantly about it otherwise she might see it as just another fleeting fetish of yours. It takes time for most women to become cognizant much less comfortable with their new "role" so to speak.
     
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  12. Jah Rubbings
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    Jah Rubbings Jah Rubbings

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    Thanks. Good advice
     
  13. tecolote
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    tecolote Active member

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    I think it's a good idea to set a personal limit on how often you can talk about it. Maybe once a week is reasonable. So... Maybe on Saturdays, you can allow yourself to bring up the subject once, and continue talking about it for as long as she is comfortable. If she blows you off, you have to wait another week before saying more.

    Obviously if she brings it up, you discus it with her. Obviously, if you are developing a physical issue, you may bring it to her attention. Otherwise, if you just feel a need to discuss feelings, progress, kink or anything else, you have one chance every Saturday.

    She likely doesn't want to hear about it. It's not attached to her, so it's not her problem. She'll probably blow you off more often than not. You might not get a chance to really discuss it for weeks at a time. But making this personal limit will keep you from putting too much pressure on her.
     
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  14. Jah Rubbings
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    Jah Rubbings Jah Rubbings

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    Good advice
     
  15. NZSenator
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    NZSenator Active member

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    Its difficult not to talk about chastity in the beginning. It can be new and exciting, you're the one wearing the device so your mind is constantly aware of chastity. If you are breaking masturbation habits and are going longer between orgasms than you previously did, you will be even more acutely aware of the presence of the cage and your inability to touch yourself.

    I think the wanting to talk about it lots is a way to get validation for what is happening and to try and get involvement from your other half in some form of sex play (even if that is the denial of sexual acts).
     
  16. LesterBallard
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    LesterBallard Active member

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    I think the interesting question would be "would you be disappointed if you found out I masturbated?"

    That can then be followed up with questions about "would you like me to stop?" "If there was a way for you to help me to stop, could that work?" And so on, to lead to the discussion of chastity.

    good luck
     
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  17. Artemistress
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    Verified Female

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    It may be on your mind 24/7 but for your KH it may be not as... pressing

    Give her time and the progression will come, when she likes it. Like any good experiment, it’s the proof over time that confirms the results as true ;)
     
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