Struggling with being submissive

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by Lockedfiancé, Jan 20, 2018.

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  1. Lockedfiancé
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    Lockedfiancé Locked by Mistress U

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    I've always thought of myself as submissive especially when it came to my sexual desires. After fantasising about chastity, femdom, FLR, etc, for the longest time it's finally become a reality. Once both myself and my fiance become comfortable with chastity I brought up a FLR and she agreed that it made alot of sense with chastity and liked the idea of being more confident and powerful both in and out of the bedroom. So she read and we talked and guidelines were discussed (cleaning, cooking, driving, etc). Now that this is actually happening I'm really struggling with being submissive. I find myself doing things resentfully, and thinking selfishly and I hate it but I don't know how to stop. Does any one have any advice, I really want this to workout, especially now that she has decided that she really likes it. Any and all help would be much appreciated.
     
  2. Lockedfiancé
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    Lockedfiancé Locked by Mistress U

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    I also just came to the realization that I was interested in it for the sexual kink to satisfy a desire. The reason I'm feeling let down and resentful is that desire isn't being met in the way I pictured. So I guess a more refined question would be how do I learn to submissive in every part of our relationship and not just in the bedroom. And how do I get over the feeling of disappointment.
     
  3. Mimi
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    Mimi Long term member

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    Talk, Talk , Talk, Tell her your issues.
     
  4. Surrendered to Bec
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    Surrendered to Bec Property of Bec. SLRN 281-606-394

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    Sounds like the reality of your situation isn't what you imagined and fantasized it to be. Well.... that is quite often how it plays out.

    And that is not just in regards to trying to setup a FLR. In any type of relationship there will be a difference in what each persons expectations are. How you deal with this is through open honest communication. Unresolved issues can fester and grow, it is best to sort things out before they get ugly. And the biggest part of resolving things is compromise.

    In setting up a FLR you are going to find that many of these compromises are going to be on your part. But remember that she is the reason you want this. Her happiness will become your happiness. It is never easy at the start, but becomes easier with time.

    But remember... communicate.
     
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  5. scottishsubby
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    scottishsubby Chasing ghosts...

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    You got into things with a goal in mind that was, in fact, not FLR or submission, it was sexual gratification. There's nothing wrong with that, if that is what you both want and what you both agreed on. In your case it sounds like you suggested something and weren't clear about what exactly you were suggesting. She agreed to it, interpreted it Her way and the result isn't what you were looking for. That's not unusual.

    You have three options here :

    1 - Talk to Her, explain what has happened and reach a compromise that works for both of you. That's the ideal situation, since you both get what you want/need but be aware there's a chance She won't really be into it in the same way you are - male chastity is hard work for a Lady and they don't really gain much from it sexually so if you're looking to take away the other benefits or demand more from Her She may well say no.

    2 - You can put an end to the game, chuck the device in the bin and go back to a vanilla relationship. No shame in that, lots of couples try things and decide they don't work for them. The problem with that is that your latent fantasy remains unfulfilled and it'll probably resurface at some point - you need to be happy to put it behind you and not bring it up again.

    3 - You can try and muddle on/change/adapt. This is by far the riskiest course of action but it's also the one that most men entering a true 24/7 FLR go through - coming from a traditional male vanilla perspective into FLR is a major change. If you truly resent what you are doing it will eventually poison the relationship and it may eventually break down. On the other hand, a little resentment is not unusual when the fantasy of submission turns into the reality of being truly submissive 24/7. Add in the sexual frustration that chastity imposes and it's a difficult mix to master.

    If you decide to try to push through then you need to take a very long, hard and honest look at your desires & reasons for doing so. You now have some idea of what a true FLR is like, rather than the fantasy you envisioned. Is it something you feel you could grow into, adapt to and enjoy? Are you willing to make the changes to your lifestyle and mindset needed to make it work? Are you willing to take the risk that it won't work and that you might lose everything?

    If you answer no to any of those three questions, I'd suggest you don't try to push on but ultimately it's your choice.If it works and it's what you both want the rewards are great but as with all great rewards there is great risk too - only you & your partner will know if it's a risk worth taking.

    Above all, as everyone else has said, communication is key. Talk to Her. Explain things. Don't focus on sexual fantasy, focus on the emotional and practical aspects that are causing problems. Be prepared to change, it's inevitable but be prepared to compromise too - Her needs are very different from yours!

    Good luck!

    S.
     
  6. Shepherdsflock
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    Shepherdsflock Long term member

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    Total FLR isn’t for every couple. I know it wouldn’t work for my wife and I. She loves being in control in the bedroom, but she doesn’t want to be in control outside of the bedroom.

    I think you need to have a frank discussion with your wife about the aspects of FLR that make you unhappy. You both need to be able to enjoy your relationship or it isn’t going to work. Maybe there are some compromises that could be made.
     
  7. Joroincharge
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    Joroincharge Lock em up - 24/7/365!!

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    It's the old old story I guess.
    Be careful what you wish for,
    What may nave been originally just a fantasy appears to be something she likes and wants. And has decided she'll get it if she can.
    From now on therefore it's what she wants that matters.
    I'd say just sit back, take passive role and see where she takes you.

    And if she's not a Member here mention it to her as she may well become one!:):):)
     
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  8. demale
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    demale Long term member

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    Submission may be a game for some but for us true subs it's a life. My wife has absolute control of our marriage, from finances to sex. It was her idea, but I comply humbly and happily. She is a loving and benevolent woman but we both understand that she is in charge and that her desires are paramount. If you cannot accept the role that she has in mind for you, you should tell her. The secret to a female-led marriage is that both partners need to be content with the arrangement. Good luck.
     
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  9. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    Howdy,

    I would love to know mor about what it is you do like, and the parts that you are having problems with.

    Many can narrow it down to: she not giving me the teasing or sexual intimacy I need to feel compelled to do activities I don’t care for, she takes me for granted that I do all those things, she doesn’t het as dominant and demanding as I thought she would, she doesn’t punish me etc. Basically you are having problems with their input.

    Service without reward is a tough pill to swallow, even for some hardcore subs. You will hear some of them say stuff like serving is it’s own reward, I love her so much that I can’t deny her anything, a true sub does this or that without ever thinking about his own needs. I will give you my opinion...if you aren’t enjoying yourself, or feel like she’s not trying, you will feel resentment eventually. It’s human nature.

    So then, what is it you feel you are missing? If it’s attention, that is something she can work on if she knows about it. Realize that it may not end up being an orgasm, and technically probably would be counterproductive. It could mean earning releases or teases at her convenience, verbally thanking you or praise, intimacy, contactetc.

    You can adjust just how into the FLR you actually want to delve. You may not be happy with a full on control loss. My FLR is more equal in nature and built on mutual respect, not expectations. If I want to do the cleaning because it means more free time for her, it’s my choice, she’s not expecting me or upset if I don’t.

    Find out what you want, ask what she wants, and see if you can meet in the middle.
     
  10. jemima
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    jemima maid for my Mistress

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    well lots of men dont like cleaning but they do like cooking some do. praps you cud ask Her if you can just do cooking to start with and then after a bit do a bit of cleaning as well.
     
  11. Lockedfiancé
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    Lockedfiancé Locked by Mistress U

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    She is a member but she doesn't often get on or post. She spends more time looking at Tumblr and the stuff I have liked, which I have realized is a double edged sword that can and is being used to make her much more comfortable denying me any pleasure.
     
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  12. Lockedfiancé
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    Lockedfiancé Locked by Mistress U

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    I already did all the cooking before we started this and most of the cleaning, (we do live in a house with 3 other roommates as we are both still in school). But now that I'm doing all of the cleaning and cooking it has come to feel like drudgery.
     
  13. Lockedfiancé
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    Lockedfiancé Locked by Mistress U

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    We are both very open and have a good communication line something that was extremely important to both of us and has only broadened after I confessed all of my sexual desires. I've even gone so far as to say that I'm okay if she chooses to sleep with other people, to which she responded with thank you I may but you will not be. She wants to tease me and keep me on edge but she doesn't like taking my cage off. This I think has been the hardest for me to stomach. Before we started Chastity and a flr I would get her off and then she would get me off (we were both virgins by choice when we met each other and didn't start having sex until this month, which has at times been a rocky road with her getting comfortable with penetration). So now she expects an orgasm with my mouth or her vibrater and then she's done and play time is over. I was so accustomed to getting off after she got off that now I find myself getting grumpy and feeling neglected. And as you said service without reward is a tough pill to swallow. It's an even tougher pill to swallow when gratification isn't immediate.
     
  14. Joroincharge
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    Joroincharge Lock em up - 24/7/365!!

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    Why shouldn't she? If she's sufficiently single-minded to get what she wants then she'll do whatever it takes to get there. I can see exactly where she's coming from. She sounds to me like a natural.
     
  15. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    Lol, if your complaint is that you don’t get to finish...welcome to the club of careful what you wish for.

    When you relinquish control, there is always the possibility that they prefer that you don’t orgasm. Mine for example has no real incentive for me to orgasm except as a gift or treat. She gets much more pleasure from her toys or my mouth, and when I cum I get less attentive. She still does allow orgasms, it really doesn’t have anything to do with her needs though.

    Now if we had a very non control type relationship where I expected orgasm and for her to do things, then my expectations would be different. As it stands I told her that it’s up to her, and that means it’s up to her, but a guy can still try lol!
     
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  16. Lockedfiancé
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    Lockedfiancé Locked by Mistress U

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    Surprisingly enough I don't care about finishing, what I think I want is something reciprocated, teasing, bondage, strapon etc. Which in all honesty I'm realizing isn't relevant as it isn't about what I want but what she wants to do. Still a struggle however, hopefully I get over it soon.
     
  17. Guy
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    Guy Master of a haven for congenial, kinky friends.

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    My suggestion may seem a little odd to some, but I'd recommend you go out and do something in the more public side of your life that puts you in a driving seat; politics, some kind of voluntary work, whatever. It is my observation over decades that we seek balance between public and private. Being 'in control' in a public role may balance being under control in private.
     
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  18. Lockedfiancé
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    Lockedfiancé Locked by Mistress U

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    That is solid advice, not sure what I would do in my current station in life but that is definitely something to keep in mind.
     
  19. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    It isn’t easy wanting. Wanting more teasing, wanting more contact, wanting....more. Again every relationship is different, and my idea of serving is no where near as demanding as others, and some would say it’s too far. Same goes with physical expectations, if I wasn’t allowed to orally please, touch, fondle, kiss, etc, I would find this all very tedious and boring. Others have zero expectations of even seeing her naked. Not my cup of tea, but those are their expectations. That wouldn’t be enough for me but someone else might think it was plenty.

    So I suggest you find your expectations, and what exactly you would like to get out of this. Don’t stone me to death, but if you two want to make this just a spice to the bedroom, it doesn’t have to be serious if you don’t want it to be.
     
  20. Astarte
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    Astarte Active member

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    If I were you I would stick with scottishsubbys advice instead of Guys. "Diversion" / compensation in other parts of your life might work for some time, but at large you should balance every aspect of your life to be happy.

    Apart from that talk a lot with your partner and think about what you really expect and / or need from a FLR and what might be reasonable in day to day life. Doing this it might realize that it differs a lot from what you fantasized about.

    But neverthe less what you come up with should be more or less your starting point (if it's reasonable AND not just some kind of roleplay !). If she agrees to it she might decide to push your limits by some degrees, but overall both needs have to be matched in some way.

    Joro might argue this point, but her way is a rather special one and only represents only a small group of people living in FLRs.

    And as said before: Before everything else make sure that you really want to life in any kind of FLR at all as FLRs aren't suited for everyone....
     
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  21. Mistress Jules
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    Mistress Jules Professional Dominatrix and Owner of Lockit
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    It is very difficult for someone to be able to jump straight in and fulfil sexual fantasies when they have no clue about those fantasies. As I have mentioned before in various threads, you have been fantasising about this for some time and know what you want to fulfil your fantasy. Your partner has come into this blind and is trying to deal with a whole lot of information coming her way.

    If she is looking at things on the net, much of the femdom information says that you should be happy to do everything for her with very little in return. The lack of sexual gratification is the fantasy. However, you have said you are looking for a much more sexually based gratification. I have to say for all pegging is a big fantasy for guys, for many females it is a stomach churning thought. Probably not something your partner has thought of so far.

    I would advise talking and finding out what she feels makes an FLR successful and what you are looking for. Try and get a middle ground to start with and take it from there.
     
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  22. Beautiful and her footman
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    Beautiful and her footman Long term member

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    Beautiful and I found ourselves in the same place. I think my idea of the lifestyle was the same as yours. I'd please her orally and then she'd take me out and edge me. That didn't happen too often. I was happy to open doors, do chores, give massages, and all manner of other things but I was not getting what I needed in the intimacy department. I think for most of us its not about sex, it's the intimacy we crave. It is for me anyway.

    So we renegotiated. I agreed to give a little less, that way I would have time to pursue my own interests and hobbies. That's very important. And she agreed to give a little more. For her it was more that she just needed to make an effort to think about our sexual relationship everyday. I don't have the life from my fantasy, but what I do have is working for both of us. That is what's important.

    Our chastity life is mostly that I stay locked up except for cleanings and I get my teasing anally. She has me do chores while wearing a butt plug and she has learned how to milk me. We do something sexual everyday. Sometimes that is just listening to chapter of a BDSM-themed audio book in the bath or she has me give her a massage while plugged. But whatever it is, we do something.

    Like everyone else said....COMMUNICATE! I don't think the fantasy and the reality are ever going to be the same thing. Focus on finding happiness in what works for both of you instead of choosing resentment wishing you had something you don't.

    -the footman
     
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  23. guest 2942
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    guest 2942 Long term member

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    I agree completely. Although both is ideal I get plenty of intimacy with my wife.
     
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  24. Mandynjack
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    Mandynjack Long term member

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    I'm offering you a simple hard truth. Get out now while you still can, tell her it was a huge mistake and you now realise you just a sexual fantasy that needed airing. Trust me hunny, this will not end well if you don't fess up and be honest.
     
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  25. Lockedfiancé
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    Lockedfiancé Locked by Mistress U

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    We are super honest with communication, and she very clearly knows what I want (at least as well as my young and naive self knows) and I'm starting to understand what it is she wants. So just out of curiosity why do you say get out?
     
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