Sorry for the downer...

Discussion in 'Off topic discussions' started by Mountainman, Nov 21, 2020.

  1. Mountainman
    Offline

    Mountainman New member

    Joined:
    Aug 1, 2018
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    19
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Local Time:
    4:36 PM
    ... but I’m looking for some advice. I’m a long time reader of the site but rarely contribute, so I hope you don’t mind my asking you all.

    I have been with my partner for 16 years. We have been into bdsm from the start. Literally the very first time we had sex she said “I like being dominated.” Over the years we have switched roles, we have mixed up male chastity with f/sub play, etc.

    Yesterday she said she never wants to do bdsm again, she’s ashamed of some of the things we’ve done. She still wants to have sex, but doesn’t want to have to do bdsm and pretend she likes it.

    I’m 100% behind her right to decide what she wants to do, and I don’t want her to feel she has to pretend she likes bondage for my sake. But equally I don’t want to feel I have to pretend to not want it. I don’t want to have vanilla sex while thinking of bondage.

    So what do I do? I was in a relationship years ago with someone who was not into bdsm, and I pretended to myself that I didn’t mind, which was the worst decision I ever made. I still love my partner, we have three kids (one of whom is an adult) and we own our own house. I don’t want to split up, but I also don’t want to have to bury my sexuality.

    I am already going to a counsellor but I’m looking for a viewpoint from someone within the bdsm community.

    Any thoughts gratefully appreciated, and again sorry for bringing down the mood but I just need some external input on this. Thanks in advance.
     
  2. Anonoman
    Offline

    Anonoman Active member

    Joined:
    Jul 9, 2017
    Messages:
    628
    Likes Received:
    503
    Trophy Points:
    103
    Gender:
    Male
    Local Time:
    4:36 PM
    I’m really sorry to hear that. It must be incredibly hard to come to terms with enjoying some things with somebody for so long only for one day for them to say they have been pretending. It was hard enough to hear my wife didn’t like sex like she used too. However she’s never really been into kinky things but humours me enough to engage every now and again.
    From my experience you can’t burry your desire for ever - for me, there where things that seemed OK to start with but as time passed, started to eat me up ‘till it’s all I could think about.
    It sounds like your doing the right thing and taking it though with a professional. Perhaps there will be a stage when your wife could be engaged in that conversation as well to help her understand her (change of?) feelings as well as yours?
     
    Mountainman likes this.
  3. Darlydixon
    Offline

    Darlydixon I love to be limpy

    Joined:
    May 18, 2020
    Messages:
    655
    Likes Received:
    630
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Male
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    Wisconsin
    Local Time:
    10:36 AM
    You need to get an open line of communication and find out what is really going on. I hope you find what works for you
     
    Ring45 and Mountainman like this.
  4. Mountainman
    Offline

    Mountainman New member

    Joined:
    Aug 1, 2018
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    19
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Local Time:
    4:36 PM
    Hey thanks for taking the time to reply. I don’t think it’s that she was pretending all along, I think it’s more that she has changed her mind and now regrets it. I think she was very much into it for a long time.

    People change, I know. I just don’t know how I can deal with that best.
     
    Anonoman likes this.
  5. DonnaSue
    Offline

    DonnaSue Active member

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2015
    Messages:
    2,177
    Likes Received:
    3,062
    Trophy Points:
    143
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Retired
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    Southeast US
    Local Time:
    10:36 AM
    I agree with @Darlydixon . Communication is everything and She may not even be aware of just how seriously you view this issue. Please carve out with right time and place to have a sincere, unemotional discussion of each other's viewpoints. I'd bet you'll be amazed at the results!
     
    Mountainman and Darlydixon like this.
  6. Wonderwomanssub
    Offline

    Wonderwomanssub Active member

    Joined:
    Sep 16, 2017
    Messages:
    1,082
    Likes Received:
    2,220
    Trophy Points:
    143
    Gender:
    Male
    Local Time:
    9:36 AM
    First I’d ask her how long she’s been feeling this way to really understand if this is something that’s been eating at her or if this is a more recent development for her. Next I would want to know what specific activities in particular have turned her away from bdsm. Without knowing more about what you two have discussed there’s really no understanding for the rest of us why she now feels this way. I’ll throw this out there although this may have nothing to do with your situation but sometimes when you’re with someone who is willing experiment you will go down some rabbit holes and maybe one person really likes it while the other is so so about the kink. But us guys (submissive or not) can be pushy about what we like and that can sometimes throw a wrench in the works sooner or later. She might be ashamed of some of the things you guys have tried but more than likely not all of it and I’m sure there was a lot that she did like too.
    My wife grew up in a catholic household and by no means is she really religious but I’m somewhat certain some of her upbringing has caused internal conflicts. Pretty much all of which has gone by the wayside at this point but I know for a lot of people there are deep rooted things from our earlier years in life that can manifest at any time.
    Sounds to me like you guys need to communicate and really talk about what you want. With any good and fair relationship comes compromises. I hope you two can figure out what you both want, good luck!
     
    BR_Saiph and Mountainman like this.
  7. Jessica Alexander
    Offline

    Jessica Alexander Trans woman not a mistress or Dom

    Joined:
    Jan 26, 2016
    Messages:
    1,513
    Likes Received:
    2,819
    Trophy Points:
    143
    Gender:
    Female
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    Houston
    Local Time:
    4:36 PM
    Is she closing in on menopause? Interest in kink is the first thing to happen when hormone levels start crashing, then libido in general. She may want to get a hormone panel done to see where things are.
     
    Anonoman and Mountainman like this.
  8. BR_Saiph
    Offline

    BR_Saiph Self-published author

    Joined:
    Oct 2, 2018
    Messages:
    790
    Likes Received:
    1,256
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Male
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    Canada
    Home Page:
    Local Time:
    11:36 AM

    Sorry to hear of your situation. Rarely do people wake one day and suddenly not want anything to do with something they've participated and enjoyed for so many years.
    There must be something as yet unsaid.
    People change for sure, drastically with no forewarning is unusual.
    There may be a lot she no longer wants to do, and a lot she wishes to forget happened, but there may be some parts that she would still enjoy. Enjoy if it were only those components without any baggage of that which she no longer likes.
    Why she feels this way, what she may still enjoy, how you can find balance of your individual needs can only be achieved through honest communication and listening.
    You have initiated counseling which shows your commitment to finding a way forward and that is more than a lot of men would do. Only you and her can figure this out but I can honestly say that the only successful outcome will be from communication.
    Best of wishes, this must be a terrible time for you both.
     
    Mountainman likes this.
  9. Mountainman
    Offline

    Mountainman New member

    Joined:
    Aug 1, 2018
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    19
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Local Time:
    4:36 PM
    Thanks sincerely for all the replies, I appreciate all of your time. Re: menopause, probably not for another ten years anyway, if her mother is anything to go by (which apparently is a good indicator).
     
  10. Nicoftime
    Offline

    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

    Joined:
    May 24, 2016
    Messages:
    4,360
    Likes Received:
    9,591
    Trophy Points:
    143
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Railroad
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    South of Lacrosse Wisconsin
    Home Page:
    Local Time:
    10:36 AM
    Normally here we hear of men trying to convince wives to become a bit kinkier. So usually I advise that you can’t hide something or expect a partner to be into secret fantasies. Kind of like a breach of contract, she married person A, and then he notifies her he is really person B. It’s not fair and in a marriage, it feels dishonest and gives a sense of betrayal.

    I don’t want to be anti-female, but I find your wife’s change of heart very similar. I’m not saying people don’t grow or evolve, but fundamentally changing sexuality, turn ons, and activities is no small deal. It’s not like “hey I am not in the mood as much” or “I don’t care for that position” or going to bed earlier. This is “you know the way we have been intimate for the last 16 years...I don’t want to do that anymore” it’s “one of the foundations we built our relationship on when we began is now gone”. It’s no different from a man telling his partner he has a unusual kink years after committing to a relationship and way of life.

    So now that I’ve explained how much of a big deal this is, you need to find out why, when, and what. Why she no longer likes this kind of intimacy, when it became an issue, and what kind of your intimacy is something she doesn’t like and what stuff she is still comfortable with. If you two have been into kink for this long I can’t imagine the discussion would be too uncomfortable. I certainly don’t think she should be expected to do something she doesn’t want to do, she does owe you an explanation of her changing the contract, and yes marriage is a contract, ask any lawyer. And yes I feel the same about men when they change the agreement, they can’t expect a great response when they all of a sudden change things. So find out what happened, and try to find a way to meet in the middle with the stuff she does enjoy. I can’t imagine she loved all of it one day and hated all of it the next.

    My wife and I have been into this since 2 months into dating, if she all of a sudden wanted nothing to do with it, I would feel lied to, deceived, and abandoned. She would probably feel the same if all of a sudden I said I don’t want to wear my device anymore and took a more traditional sexual role. I would still love her, and her me, but our relationship started with these personal traits and changing them is like finding out they believe in totally opposite religions.
     
  11. Jessica Alexander
    Offline

    Jessica Alexander Trans woman not a mistress or Dom

    Joined:
    Jan 26, 2016
    Messages:
    1,513
    Likes Received:
    2,819
    Trophy Points:
    143
    Gender:
    Female
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    Houston
    Local Time:
    4:36 PM
    Menopause can start as young as 40 so it wouldn’t hurt to get some tests to rule out physiological reasons. Hope y’all figure out something soon.
     
    Mountainman likes this.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice