Some tips for subs and slaves

Discussion in 'Online chastity and self locking' started by L-u-c-y, Jun 3, 2018.

  1. PupGizmo
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    PupGizmo DramaLlama

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    One thing that I struggle with as a submissive, single male.
    Is finding a dominant, who understands that dominance is *not* abuse.

    Now, maybe I've got the wrong impression here (I started practicing chastity about 12 months ago, and just sort of 'jumped' into this world of domination and submission, for better or worse! I'm also 30 and chonky so, well, might not be all that appealing, IDK?) But even a D/S relationship is still, well, a relationship. A relationship is always going to be give and take, it requires some degree of sacrifice from both partners to make things work in the end.

    Both parties are still people - and while one may be subservient to the other in some way, both parties still have their own emotional wellbeing to attend to. A relationship where the focus is entirely on one person as a deity is unsustainable.

    I imagine, the good dominants here in this thread know this, and have had successful relationships because they know what scratches the itch emotionally for their submissives, and do so.

    But wow, in 12 months of experience engaging with and attempting to woo a dominant? WOW, there's a lot of Abusers masquerading as dominants, and who are all too eager to prey on submissive tenancies for financial, as well as ego gain.

    I'd be curious to hear from other submissives what they're "yellow" or "red" flags are during the process of courting a dominant? What do you look for in a dominant to be sure that you're engaging in healthy submission?
     
  2. L-u-c-y
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    I look at my subs as friends, friends who know their place.

    I only abuse the selfish males who try to use me for their fetishes :)
     
  3. PupGizmo
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    PupGizmo DramaLlama

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    I'm very happy for you that you have such a well developed network. :D
     
  4. steviepie
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    steviepie inferior and unworthy male

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    Thank you Mistress for teaching me my place.
     
  5. ArtsyLady
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    ArtsyLady Creatively Loving & Cruel
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    Well said and I agree wholeheartedly.
     
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  6. asimpleman23
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    asimpleman23 Long term member

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    given the amount of work a Goddess dedicated to Her craft puts in - whether vocation or avocation - a quality of respect is required. one hardly asks a dancer to rush to the finish, or a chef to hasten to the main course. time + discipline = pleasure - at least in the adult world. : )

    may all remember that "please", "thank you", "well-done" are the warrior's implements for walking the worlds.

    all respect to our gracious Generatrixes. : )
     
  7. subthomas
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    subthomas New member

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    To be fair, do you use the same approach when contacting a submissive you're interested in?

    In my experience, the vast majority of dominants seem to consider addressing someone they have never spoken to before as things like 'slut' or 'fucktoy' or other phrases of general arrogance to be acceptable.
     
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  8. L-u-c-y
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    I don't ever contact subs. I don't need to.
     
  9. lockedhusband11
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    lockedhusband11 Long term member

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    Because they don't care at all about the Woman, they just want to use Her as a means to an end which is to satisfy their fetish. They manipulate the D/s dynamic in a way that appears to them as being submissive in the eyes of the Female when in fact She can obviously see that nothing is truly being given or 'submitted' by him. This manipulation (desperately) tries to hold all the power in the male's hands and in fact is an attempt at a dominant act. Then they're left scratching their heads at what they could possibly do to get a Dominant interested in them and never come to the 'radical' conclusion that they might get somewhere if they started being selfless and by attending to what the Dominant desires.

    Interesting how the true submissive shows patience and strength where the man described above is so very pathetic and desperate
     
  10. L-u-c-y
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    They message women, strangers, asking them to take part in their favourite fetish, probably their favourite thing in the world.

    They don't realise it's the same as a vanilla male messaging a woman and asking for a blowjob.
     
  11. lockedhusband11
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    lockedhusband11 Long term member

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    And then asking if she wants to base an entire relationship with him on blowjobs
     
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  12. Houseboy42
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    Hmm, posted this in the wrong thread...
     
  13. Houseboy42
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    It’s ridiculous how true this is. I’m obviously not a dominant woman, but as an owned submissive male, I get some weird attention that ricochets off my mistresses. At fetish events my ladies cast a pretty impressive image and unattached sub males always seem to corner me when they’re not around. The conversation invariably goes something like this..

    Him: How did you get two women?

    Me: Excuse me?

    Him: Do they make you kiss their feet? (or whatever his thing is)

    Me: Um, sometimes, why?

    Him: I wanna kiss their feet! I wanna suck their toes while they whip me! (All said with a vacant far away stare)

    Me: Oh?

    Him: Can you have them make me kiss their feet?

    Me: What? No. That’s not how it works...


    I’d finally shut one guy down before somebody else would take his place and restart the same conversation. Ms. D got so annoyed with how long it took me to do anything away from her that she makes me wear a sign now that says "Please do not talk to my boy! ~Mistress D."


    I only get a little peek into what it's like. I can’t imagine being a dominant woman and dealing with this kind of BS on a daily basis. These guys never saw me and, I dare say, didn’t see my Mistresses either. All they seem to see is their own desire and finding any way they can to get what they want.
     
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  14. Sthsde_cd
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    Sthsde_cd Active member

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    You are such an interesting person. I'm jealous of your subs but i'm also kind of on their side, egging them on.
     
  15. Guest 0938
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    Like your response overall, I think “online” reality is different for different generations-my guess is you are older(?). To younger folks, the internet is very real.
    “Real is as real does”
     
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  16. Billus
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    Billus Laconic.

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    We needn't get into the metaphysics of what constitutes "real"; suffice it to say that while 'real is as real does' is true, it's only true up to a point. You can look at photos of food on your smartphone all day long, but it won't fill your belly. Even if it's not explicitly stated (or even consciously understood), the holy grail of any online relationship is to make it as 'real' as an actual physical event between two people.
     
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  17. Guest 0938
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    I do agree, Completely. But working with teens and young adults I see from their point of view online is often “more real” than the physical in their mind. Probably the result of the daily average 11.5 hours per day of screen time outside of school. That’s for ages 10-17!! Scary. But as virtual reality electronics become better (it’s happening fast), my guess is they will make it even “more real”. We’ll see
     
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  18. Guest 0938
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    great question! I also have run into this, It’s very irritating for a real Mistress or Dominant. The real effect is makes it harder for a real Dominant to do their job well because they have to deal with all those protective layers you ended up putting around yourself.

    FIRST: start writing up a “limits” worksheet. I have found in general that it’s on me to know and express my limits. So! If that Dominant engages me and is looking for a submissive they will ask you “what are your limits?” Knowing your limits is the subs responsibility-and in some areas you may not know. Which is to be expected.

    I had an old school protector early on. He said: “no money before meet . . . . and 5 years before opening up all personal wealth.” He said it exactly the same every time. Internet has changed the old school rules tho.

    so seriously, work on and read up on knowing your limits.

    also, every time you have a bad online experience-write down the associated limit you just dealt with and add it to your list.

    anyway, I got to a point with all the time online and yes I gifted online. And after a while it dawned on me that I would likely be better off if I just paid a pro Domme for time than going through all the fake Mistresses and Dominants online.
     
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  19. Abstraction
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    Abstraction Force of nature
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    I'll probably come across as very old-fashioned and stodgy but I wouldn't waste time and effort chasing online ghosts if I had a real-life person next to me with whom I could pursue a mutually enjoyable relationship. From what I've seen so far, an online relationship is very often a fantasy that kills reality and ends up disappointing anyway because the person on the other side of the screen does not exist the way the other person thought. All the effort, money, feelings are put into nothing and, worse yet, a real-life relationship ends up jeopardised or ruined.

    Having said that, teenagers' use of online communities is a slightly different matter and probably not for discussing in a thread about subs and slaves. :)
     
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  20. L-u-c-y
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    Some people may say online things are not real, but what about all the books you have read? What about all the amazing movies you have seen? What about all the music you have experienced on the radio and online?

    You didn't physically experience them, you're just viewing copies of things made in the past, but it doesn't make them less real.

    These things are not even interactive, you passively read/watch/listen to them.
     
  21. Abstraction
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    Books, movies, etc. are not reality - they are extrapolations of reality. And yes, I enjoy a good movie or a good book but I wouldn't divorce my husband to marry Professor Dumbledore or Mickey Mouse. :)
     
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  22. LesterBallard
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    LesterBallard Long term member

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    Agreed. An online world can present a hyper-reality. It can offer greater intensity than real life, which is often constrained by unavoidable factors such as loneliness, shyness, lack of opportunity, age, (perceived lack of) beauty etc.
     
  23. anasyrma
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    anasyrma Long term member

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    I think that submissive men ought to work harder to win the affection of their Mistress than vanilla men, not less. I would be more than willing given the chance.
     
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  24. Guest 0938
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    #49 Guest 0938, Feb 26, 2020
    Last edited: Feb 26, 2020
    You’re asking about how to protect yourself. I would research basic identity and money protection methods just like anyone else.

    the bigger issue is your decisions on the front end of this. What do you want? How much control do you want to give up and why? How much abuse or pain or denial are you interested in and why?

    in other words: your best ally on self protection is a TON of questions to yourself. Do you know what you want? What do you think you want? For how long? Are you a masochist? What is my gender identity, etc etc. The list goes on. You will have a lot more honesty to offer your Mistress. Knowing what you want, and for how long, and what you need from Mistress-what works and what won’t work.

    The next thing: read up on internet con artists and what they do. Those that just want a quick buck have a pattern. Real Mistress’ have a pattern. They are different.
    Hi
    After you read up on internet con and extortion and identity protection -set limits that protect you

    It’s really an issue of trust development.
    wow this is a great thread. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my journey to this point. I was somewhat that jerk-i never really talk dirty fantasies, just my upbringing. But I was terrified that engaging a Dominant woman was “demonic”. Heck it’s basically what I was taught.

    the desires were bodily and subconscious. I didn’t AT ALL understand why I was drawn to Dominant women. Porn imagery was NOT AT ALL part of my life until I was in my late 20’s, and I had already been seeking out Domme’s. I didn’t come at it from sex. BUT!!! I was that jerk because I would always freak out and run. But over time, I accepted and rewired my brain. I’ve considered very deeply what is going on in me-why the cognitive dissonance?? I realized over time how it really is supposed to be a female led society. patriarchy screwed us-and look at the world? It’s a mess. And now my learning edge is looking at “what is sacred sex?” But I’m a bit into the bdsm lifestyle now also, and I like my place.

    so some Of my processing on my previous pattern

    #1. Internal psychological conflicts:
    I think these are mostly from incongruence in the submissive

    #1a: Incongruence/cognitive dissonance conflicts:

    Let’s face it. Most PEOPLE are incongruent to some degree.

    Most people are programmed by societal expectations to a greater degree than they are guided by a deeply felt personal vision, passion, or service to humanity mission. The submissive isn’t at the point of body, emotion, mind, and soul congruence to accept chastity-no matter what.

    #1ai: incongruent social dissonance/taboo. If the sub has a “social container” that identifies this activity as demonic or dark influenced. Church, family, and social contexts have solidified this in submissive’s consciousness.

    *****!!!!!!!
    Actually think this is why men compartmentalize the Female Dominant away from “real life” and also why they treat You all terribly. Part of them sees you as this evil Jezebel presence (patriarchal dogma makes the Goddes evil), so its ok to be a jerk.

    #1b: “Loss of control” creating an untenable mental state to stay in chastity or submission. This actually can create mental imbalance. KH might want that. Expect major blow-ups.

    #1c inability to TRUST. For those submissives who had seriously abusive childhoods with terrible parenting, this is a major hurdle. this is where a KH can navigate with CRAFT, and especially through a SUPER FAIR AND EXPLAINED discipline process. These also may be LOOKING AT KH through a ptsd warped self protective lens.

    1d Dissonance in self evaluation! almost always on the part of the submissive. Certain parts of a submissive are ready to go (one in particular-lol) so they jump in thinking they can do it, once started they realize other parts of them are not ready to go. I’ve done it and I apologize.

    I think most subs self evaluate terribly, because they are working from horny consciousness when they start-possibly even in subspace. Then they don’t think about it any other time. Me-I examined it constantly-why am I into submission?
    Interviews are the answer KH’s

    1.e. Double life dissonance
    Living a double life, plain and simple. If the chasm is too wide; that sub is gonna bolt

    Yes I’ve experienced all of these to some degree. I don’t want to run off anymore I just talk to the Boss and W/we figure it out hopefully. The biggest change in me is I’m not hiding my bs anymore, I’m comfortable within myself now.

    to sum up, the Women aren’t supported in leadership or anywhere. They aren’t treated as the Goddess and womb of life. i think a lot of what’s going on with Female Domination is a rebalancing on the subconscious level, and I think it’s fascinating how it shows up. It’s a paradox: the battle AGAINST misogyny and sexual abuse toward women is happening right here. It’s like we are all behind enemy lines changing the world. What a fascinating place to find a piece of enlightenment.
     
  25. Achedlock17
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    Achedlock17 Long term member

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    I don't agree that traditional books/movies/music involve only passivity in the sense of "falling on inert eyes/ears". The reader/viewer/listener actively follows their "own" path by the choices they make as to what to read/watch/listen to. The works are incorporated into the person's journey through life, and exceptional works influence the choices made in that journey and the personality of that person. They do so in a way that a personal relationship could hinder, but since that is a rarity in the offline world between creators and their audience it doesn't matter.

    Now it is true that I have not influenced those offline authors/screenwriters/directors/composers-but I worry that whilst the online situation promises interaction, in fact it is often too narrow and literal a channel to influence other people in the ways sorely needed. In a world where 96% of jobs are at risk of being automated in the medium term, and therefore an expansion of human creativity and lateral thinking is sorely needed, where are the online communities that foster creativity by "non creative" people, as opposed to merely networks for social interaction of like minded people?
     
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