Some tips for subs and slaves

What is it that you seek out of your online interactions with subs/slaves? What is it that you like about having online subs/slaves or what draws you to having them?

 

I would hazard a guess is that it's all based on fantasy. People are not interacting with other human beings; they're responding to words on a screen. It's all like a big, erotic video game. The point of the game is to please yourself, first and foremost. I've asked Dommes online, "What do you get out of this?" and the answer is often "The feeling of power". So in the most general terms (since individuals do count for something) 'submissive' men are looking for eventual sexual satisfaction, while 'dominant' women want the power of control. Two different games being played on the same board.

That said, I will agree with Ms. Lucy that if you act like a penis, you'll be treated like one. I've had (hopefully mutual) enjoyable relationships with Dommes online, but never from being pushy about it. If you can't be bothered to try and look 'through the screen' to see the real person behind the monitor, you're just another sperm cell, frantically trying to swim through the crowd and reach your goal. And you'll fail. I'm not surprised she thinks vanilla men do better at this, probably because they're not as obsessed about playing a 'game' with a woman.

 

Its been a while since I dated - to woo a lady ... I have been happily married for 25 years.

Perhaps I am archaic - I have never looked at getting to the end as quick as possible as desirable.
For me, its the journey that matters ... I want to savor the early attraction & let it unfold at the lady's pace. I would ever dream of rushing her - the decision to continue is up to her. The 'figuring out' stage requires thought, communication, effort and adaptation - that builds character (as well as manners).

Rushing the 'end game' seems to turn the effort into a contest where the woman is a prize. The movie Don Jon comes to mind.

Thank you for spelling that out Ms. @L-u-c-y ... chivalry is time honored tradition.
Too bad it comes into conflict with the increasing frequency of immediate gratification.

 

A gentleman first vanilla or not. Excellent point that too often shows many males "think with the wrong head."

 

Getting my first cb 2000 was to show her that it was about her, not me. I would always tell her that but she would always stop her pleasure way to fast. With my being secured it was easier for her to enjoy all the attention that I was giving her and not think as much about pleasing me, when actually it pleases me much much more to be laying there giving her pleasure and watching her enjoyment.

 

sadly there's only so much blood supply available...…

 

Your words are so Very True. You Can Only Serve One Queen

I feel sorry for those that are still searching for their Queen to serve. They may think they have found their Queen and than the relationship falls apart and doesn’t work and they have to start again.

Every Queen is unique and different and requires a special person to serve her with the respect she deserves. It’s not as easy as drawing a name out of a hat and putting a lock on him. It takes some time and effort for both of them

 

When it comes to M-F relations I just try to make a connection. To use baseball as an analogy, just try and make something good happen. Swinging for the fences leads to outs and strike outs. A bunt, a sacrifice fly, moving a runner along, taking a pitch -- all the little things have value.

I'm amazed, myself, at how difficult it is to make a connection with another -- but part of the problem as I see it -- are the sky high expectations of women. As a rule, they are seeking "the one."

For men, this can be discouraging.

As for me, I'm just always very grateful for the connections I'm able to make. The little things have value -- and maybe underlie the greater things. If not the greater things, there is something to be shared over experiences, books, politics, culture, family, frustrations, aspirations, etc. Well, if you're not THE ONE, a lot of women will pass up the rest -- and miss out on a host of worthwhile connections.

Maybe women see the small connections as a ruse or trojan horse -- a play for sex or manipulation.

I say, value what bonds and impressions you can make, kink or non kink related.

 

Since I feel like I came in the backdoor, it is hard to imagine trying to start from the beginning.
The intimacy that has resulted is far beyond that which I could ever dream of.

I do think the art of courting a woman has been replaced with 'fast food love'. Instant oatmeal and instant
love. It never really works out that way very often. For us it evolved into what is now. Almost 42 years
has gone by and can't explain it all.

I wouldn't say I was selfish, I would say I was more self conscious of how I felt. In 2012 I bought a
device to show her that She would always be the only one. It was Her birthday and we had a lot
of fun with it. Almost a year ago on vacation in the place we are right now She started where we are
now. I had no plan, She cames up with Her own plan.

I spent 15 years as Mister Mom when She returned to work in 2001. I became Chief cook,bottle washer, appointments...ect. I could change my hours as my two boys grew up. She never went to work and
had to come to do anything, I loved it. I fit right in. Chastity came 38 years after we met. I think the
relationship was already established.

I guess what I am trying to say. If you want to jump to the end you probably will just keep
jumping. If I have learned anything I know a loving woman is such a joy to live with. For us
chastity lets us be intimate in any way She wants then. There is nothing better than a woman
that really wants you, I would rather wait for that for whatever time it is.

Maybe to long, could be much longer. Just listen to @L-u-c-y, a woman loved is a treasure
beyond whatever you can think of. Think before your kink. there is someone other
than you in the room.

 

If you don't consider your submission of value enough to be selective to whom you would give it, no one else is going to value it either.

 

In reality waht is going to work best is finding a person with which you find a mutual desire to build, foster and maintain a relationship. Once you have that you can slowly demonstrate to her the advantages to her of the dynamic that appeals to you.

But if youdo that well and she wants to take the reins do bear in mind once she has them then how the dynamic develops from there is all going to be based on choices.

 

Your words are a road map that teach us how to go back to basics and powerful enough to inspire wisdom.
Plato said once: "Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something".
Sometimes being desperate (to meet someone or attract) make us (men or subs) forget our good manners and that it is not only about the end result (i. E. Meeting someone) but also it is about the Journey.
After all only Fools Rush In

 

I think the bigger problem is just burn out. I’ve talked to people online for long periods of time some even years off and on that either ended up being fake or just disappeared! So the problem then becomes I move on but I’m more guarded or less willing to put in effort. You can see the same thing in dominants, the tell tale sign is starting any profile going on a rant about game players or giving you some list of rules that makes it impossible to ever begin to know someone. The problem really boils down to online we all wear masks and masks make us act like someone other than ourselves. We don’t act responsibly when we’re anonymous. All this means is that meeting people online is not the ideal way to do it, but in situations like the one all of us are in where we are seeking out something that has the potential to be embarrassing or ridiculed by people who don’t share our same interests, it makes meeting anonymously the easiest. It’s a hard situation.

 

I may be new to your site, but I am not new to life! As a male I’ve always searched for MY next good feeling! But as I’ve aged I’ve found myself always looking for ways to dote upon ladies. I find myself happiest serving a lady...not as one would quickly surmise. I wish to stand anywhere near her, just to see her! Do ANYTHING she wished, making sure she feels like the most important person in the universe. All along trying to read what she would want next and being there at her service, her feet just waiting to do more for her.
I understand what you are saying about selfish and greedy males! I HAVE been this very male, not that long ago...looking to please myself! YES, even after all I just said, I too can be a selfish pig!
Madame “E” IS my focus!! She OWNS my mind, body and soul! From thousands of miles away, she can get me to kneel...beg her, plead with her...just for one moment of her time!!!
“Meeting her” is a dream! One I know will never happen, YET I will never stop dreaming of that day!!

 

I guess the “one” thing would have to be my knowing I disappointed Madame. I fully realize my place, my purpose...but mostly I have always been more interested in making my lady happy! Over me most times. Her needs above mine...ALWAYS!

 

I apologize on behalf of all subs Mistress. I tend to view this as a long term lifestyle journey starting off with self locking.

We all grow and learn in our own time, but I am so sorry to hear of the selfishness of my kind. Being a sub is a selfless act and that means placing oneself humbly lower in the pecking order to superiors.

I too have had times of selfishness and for that I am sorry but I am trying to find my way.

For me, this is never about me or my needs buy the needs of my superior. This is what makes me happy and it is liberating too.

 

OK, I'm a sub, and I'm a guy (shocking, huh ). I've seen a lot of this kind of behaviour from subs and the two groups where it seems most common are as follows: Firstly, there's the subs that operate 100% in fantasy land. That is the type who fantasise about 'meeting a Domme and she'll take me to her dungeon with all of her Domme friends and they'll all do kinky things to me' (slight exaggeration, but you know the type I'm talking about!), who most likely wouldn't turn up to a meet anyway - aka timewasters! Secondly, there's the subs that expect you to meet with them because there is some alignment in interests and it's your job to let them serve you. My guess is that because this isn't vanilla life, they don't see the need to worry about developing any kind of relationship whatsoever because they believe different rules apply in the kink/BDSM world. All it really shows is naivety, inexperience and selfishness.

 

honestly, i think timewasting is a fetish and there's some secret sites out there where they retell how they wasted peoples time.

I've had people go as far as asking me did i need anything from the convenience store on their way to me. It's bizarre. I can spot them quite easily now though. I think a lot of them get a kick out of knowing they've ruined not only the meet they've pretended to make but also the potential meets you've cancelled.

 

Love this. You summed it up perfectly

 

Well said

 

Appreciate the guidance you've given. i think any relationship needs to start wit honest conversation. reveal your true interest and nature. But desire to learn more about the other person first.

 

In the end, it's not about you. It's about making her happy. To serve her, any way she needs. Everyone here is a human being, with thoughts and feelings. Be there for her, show you are there for her. Your needs are secondary. In the end, your needs may be met, by meeting her needs.

 

@L-u-c-y, this makes me sad. But not surprised.

Submissive males have a number of pressures working against them:
1. They are extremely common, particularly relative to women who see themselves as dominant (rare treasures). I'm wildly guessing (no proof) that there are more than 50 submissive men for every dominant woman.
2. Their desires are in conflict with social expectations, so they tend to live in their imaginations and in relative sexual isolation, forming a "fantasy world" not connected to reality or to real people. The Internet facilitates (nudges?) expanding fantasies towards extremes.
3. The combination of low value (#1) and high-but-undirected libido (#2) makes submissive males desperate for interaction with their IMAGINED dominant. The problem you've identified comes when mere interaction becomes the goal because of extreme desperation. Progressing to a relationship is not considered a real possibility, or seems so distant as to not be worth working towards.
4. Given the anonymity and low cost of communication of The Interwebs, the direct cost for projecting the desperation of #3 is low. (I would argue that the opportunity cost of doing so is high, but many don't understand that concept.)
5. Low response rates, regardless of approach, creating a "race to the bottom" in communication style. In my on-line dating years, I would get a response from perhaps one in four carefully-crafted introductions, likely due to getting lost in a sea of junk notes, accounts that women abandoned out of frustration, and accounts that were not women at all.

None of these are excuses for lazy, entitled, self-absorbed, desperate, fantasy-addled "submissive" males. Submissives have a lot of work to do in order to resist the pressures outlined so that they can get to something far deeper than one short, shallow, dismissive interaction from hundreds of unsolicited and brainless pings. Some (most?) just don't want to do that work. A few will, but they will still be a relative commodity. Please keep in mind what a rarity you are: real (not a troll account), active, genuine, no-nonsense, and actually dominant in thought (not just wearing/holding a prop and being self-centered yourself). High value and rarity will always attract attention, a type of celebrity in itself.