Sitting on the fence

Discussion in 'Chastity and orgasm denial' started by GarryWaa, Apr 17, 2021.

Random Thread
  1. GarryWaa
    Offline

    GarryWaa New member

    Joined:
    Apr 17, 2021
    Messages:
    18
    Likes Received:
    11
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Local Time:
    4:00 AM
    Hello! I come to you looking for some advice.

    First, some background: I am currently living with my girlfriend of almost 5 years and we're a fairly happy vanillia couple. I've always been interested in Chastity/orgasm denial, but have left it be a fantasy. Last year I had "the talk" with her and tried a couple cages. She was willing to play along but she definitely didn't see the appeal of it for her. unfortunately I ran into... anatomical issues with all 4 cages I tried (ht knockoff, cheap amazon cage, cb6000s, and a ht nub knockoff), mainly related to my penis turtleing out. So long (or really even short) term chastity hasn't really been possible... but here I am, wanting to give it another go.

    The reason I'm reaching out here is more related to my conflicted thoughts on this.
    I masturbate ~2 times daily, and it completely destroys my ability to perform sexually with her and I've also noticed that I become less agreeable/more argumentative and less affectionate/romantic (a big complaint of hers) when i've recently had an Orgasm.
    On one hand, my (and definitely her) sex life would substantially improve if I could kick the habit. I've tried using willpower to quit but I can never seem to go more than a few days without doing it. The hope is I could re-introduce chastity and use that to solve my masturbation problem.
    On the other hand I am terrified to hand over that kind of control to someone else, and also of being in a submissive role, even if just in certain areas. In general I hate being ordered to do things or be told what to do. Not sure If i expect this to help with that, but I definitely would like to be a more submissive and agreeable partner. (For her sake)

    Im just feeling quite conflicted about it, i've been lurking on these forums and have learned quite a bit about chastity and flr's but I still feel uneasy about it.

    Any advice on how to move forward would be appreciated. Would love to hear from people who are "on the other side" and have embraced this.

    Thank you!
     
    simonwingtips and bratty-boi like this.
  2. LesterBallard
    Offline

    LesterBallard Active member

    Joined:
    Oct 2, 2016
    Messages:
    7,765
    Likes Received:
    3,263
    Trophy Points:
    143
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Management
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    United Kingdom
    Local Time:
    9:00 AM
    Don't try to stop masturbating. You will fail. Set yourself achievable goals. If you know when you are likely to have sex with your partner, start by not masturbating that day and the day before. Then add the day before that as well. Gradually work up so that you're lasting longer between each masturbation. To be honest that would be a much more logical option than a cage. Good luck
     
    Mactastic, Breathe, meuk85 and 3 others like this.
  3. CumSlut
    Offline

    CumSlut Member

    Joined:
    Jan 7, 2021
    Messages:
    59
    Likes Received:
    247
    Trophy Points:
    33
    Gender:
    Male
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    Europe
    Local Time:
    10:00 AM
    I was in a similar position before I got married. In short: partners I met in vanilla life were usually open to some play and BDSM aspects but often assumed it would be a phase or they'd just have little to no interest in it, leaving me immensely frustrated and resulting in frequent masturbation. At a certain point I simply vowed to stop dating people in the vanilla world.

    A cage in itself won't do anything. It is still possible to cum or induce orgasms. If anything it'll just make you hornier. You don't need a cage for chastity per se.

    Maybe it is worthwhile exploring some dominance-submission, it could help. You could communicate with her and agree on a release schedule (e.g. once a week, or being allowed to masturbate under supervision once for every two times she gets to enjoy sex, etc.) You would be giving up some control but from what you wrote it seems that is what you desire. If she knows when and how often you masturbate and knows it affects her sexual gratification she'll probably want to set goals for you to help abstain.

    The key I think is honesty. Finding the right balance between her sexual satisfaction and your needs may take some time but if you're both willing to work on it and communicate about it, it could grow in something beautiful.
     
  4. Otto9
    Offline

    Otto9 Member

    Joined:
    Jun 30, 2014
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    41
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    self-employed
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    Austria, Europe
    Local Time:
    10:00 AM
    You don't need to stop masturbation but ejaculation. Tease & denial is the key ... works for me very well. But maybe I am older, which might make self-control easier.
     
    lockedbySue and GarryWaa like this.
  5. GarryWaa
    Offline

    GarryWaa New member

    Joined:
    Apr 17, 2021
    Messages:
    18
    Likes Received:
    11
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Local Time:
    4:00 AM
    Thank you all for your responses, you've definitely helped to ground me more in reality. Im glad I reached out.
     
    Otto9 and CumSlut like this.
  6. GarryWaa
    Offline

    GarryWaa New member

    Joined:
    Apr 17, 2021
    Messages:
    18
    Likes Received:
    11
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Local Time:
    4:00 AM
    Maybe that's where the chastity and she comes in? Ive tried to edge myself Instead of finishing but i find I just get myself off the rest of the way later in the day :(
    I am quite young and I find my arousal very overwealming and really struggle to manage it.
     
    Otto9 likes this.
  7. GarryWaa
    Offline

    GarryWaa New member

    Joined:
    Apr 17, 2021
    Messages:
    18
    Likes Received:
    11
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Local Time:
    4:00 AM
    Thanks haha, i'm going to need it. Any tips for how I can work to strengthen that will power? She always prefers to do stuff late at night and for me its super challenging to get that far into the day.

    When/should I ever introduce chastity? Im getting the impression that chastity is more of a symbolic giving up of that control than literal, but I have seen accounts of people who say that their devices are effective. Though I would probably get excited to the point where I would find a way to defeat the device if its anything short of bullet proof and (probably) no device is bullet proof.
     
  8. GarryWaa
    Offline

    GarryWaa New member

    Joined:
    Apr 17, 2021
    Messages:
    18
    Likes Received:
    11
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Local Time:
    4:00 AM
    Yeah great points, communication is something we struggle with, and being open about this kindof stuff has always been a bit difficult for us.
    Not for any reason beyond its not something we normally discuss, i think.
     
  9. CumSlut
    Offline

    CumSlut Member

    Joined:
    Jan 7, 2021
    Messages:
    59
    Likes Received:
    247
    Trophy Points:
    33
    Gender:
    Male
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    Europe
    Local Time:
    10:00 AM
    Hope it works out for both of you
     
    GarryWaa likes this.
  10. Otto9
    Offline

    Otto9 Member

    Joined:
    Jun 30, 2014
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    41
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    self-employed
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    Austria, Europe
    Local Time:
    10:00 AM
    Probably I couldn't have done it at a significantly younger age. I am still horny all the time but it might be easier now to stop before it's too late.
    Also when I am too aroused I put on a cage for a couple of hours and give myself time to relax and let the lust fade a bit.
     
    GarryWaa likes this.
  11. Locked Sam
    Offline

    Locked Sam New member

    Joined:
    Mar 29, 2021
    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    21
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Local Time:
    4:00 AM

    I was in a similar situation. I just did chastity myself for the purpose of decreasing masturbation. I would put on the cage at times that were triggers for me, like days when I was home alone. Then I would lock the key to the cage in a timer lock box. ( kitchen safe - check Amazon). I could set the timer to release the key at a more safe time (like middle of the night. The thing is. . . I knew I could cut the lock box open if I had to so I still felt in charge, but cutting the kitchen safe open would be a $70 orgasm as it would ruin the kitchen safe. I couldn't give up masturbating completely but I ended up going from daily to about twice a month and when I wanted to, not because some habit was telling me to. It was quite empowering. It won't come as a surprise to people in CM but was a big surprise to me as a newbie at the time. . . . I found myself way more attentive to my wife. Which she loved. I am honestly at a point now where I WOULD hand over the key. . . . I WOULD hand over that control. . .. because I'm more the person I want to be. I think you would have to carefully negotiate what each of you wanted. State up front that you aren't looking to become a chastity slave and that you are not looking to never orgasm again. Tell her that you want her to have the key because you want her to be happy, and you trust her. For me it was an evolution and I have not yet given the key to my wife because she doesn't yet know I wear a cage. But I'm on the verge of telling her and I believe it will be very intimate when it happens.
     
    bondinchas, GarryWaa and bratty-boi like this.
  12. GarryWaa
    Offline

    GarryWaa New member

    Joined:
    Apr 17, 2021
    Messages:
    18
    Likes Received:
    11
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Local Time:
    4:00 AM
    I really appreciate your response. Thanks for sharing your experience. My fear with chastity as a solution is: the cage arouses me, I end up pulling out of cages without even trying (hopefully a sizing/finding the the right cage issue) and I just don't trust myself.. if I can pull out and take care of myself I feel like I will.
    Worth giving it a try regardless.
    If/when i jump back into this I think I will do some experimenting untill I find something that works for me, and then try handing the keys over.

    I would really, really, really love for my orgasms to be something more than just a habit I can't kick. I would much rather stop doing it all together in favor of sharing those moments with her instead. Something I've been realizing about my relationship is I take but struggle to give, and I feel like if I could keep myself from constantly draining my sexual energy I would be able to focus on her more, which I really want.

    I also feel like I'm hoping this can be more than just a fetish game, and actually help me improve myself as an individual and a partner, but I've gotten mixed signals on if that will actually happen. Probably depends on a lot of things, everyone is different.
     
  13. Giles_English
    Offline

    Giles_English Chaste slave

    Joined:
    Dec 8, 2011
    Messages:
    1,239
    Likes Received:
    1,181
    Trophy Points:
    133
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Slave
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    UK
    Home Page:
    Local Time:
    8:00 AM
    I think it's common for subs to develop very strong defences, and a strong reaction to being ordered around... because we know that we can be ordered around all too easily.

    My advice would be, "let it go" and see what happens.
     
    bondinchas and GarryWaa like this.
  14. Locked Sam
    Offline

    Locked Sam New member

    Joined:
    Mar 29, 2021
    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    21
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Local Time:
    4:00 AM

    Exactly. . . . . I am not looking for a fetish game either. My wife is an internet junky. Everything gets researched online. So I fear when I do approach her about chastity and she invariably goes online. . . . , all she is going to find is fetish stuff. Like you though. . . I just want control of my habits.

    I did order a custom cage from Mature Metal ( ww.maturemetal.com ). It hasn't arrived yet but I understand they are quite comfortable and very difficult to defeat. That said. . . . if you want to get out. . . . you'll always be able to get out.

    Please let me know how things turn out for you. I'd be curious.
     
    bondinchas and GarryWaa like this.
  15. GarryWaa
    Offline

    GarryWaa New member

    Joined:
    Apr 17, 2021
    Messages:
    18
    Likes Received:
    11
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Local Time:
    4:00 AM
    Re: @Locked Sam

    I don't know your wife, but honestly I think you should just sit down with her and talk to her about it. Don't hand her the keys right away or tell her you want to wear it ALL the time for her, ease into it you know? From other threads I've read online women are typically more confused or scared than anything else. I know when I introduced the concept to my partner her main concern was the safety of my parts haha.
    It all comes down to personality but I feel like most people are pretty reasonable. as long as you explain to her that its no purely a fetish game and the reasons you are doing it I think she will take it well. I'd also go ahead and forewarn her about the porn and direct her here. (As this seems like a great source of mostly accurate information)

    Good luck with the custom cage and I look forward to hearing how it goes when you finally do have "the talk" with your wife!
     
  16. Jessica Alexander
    Offline

    Jessica Alexander Trans woman not a mistress or Dom

    Joined:
    Jan 26, 2016
    Messages:
    1,737
    Likes Received:
    3,234
    Trophy Points:
    143
    Gender:
    Female
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    Houston
    Local Time:
    9:00 AM
    There are MANY ways to do chastity and it certainly doesn’t have to end up with getting bossed around. So YOUR goal is to quit masterbating so you aren’t spent by the time she is ready.

    So, look at the times and places that you are most likely to masterbate and eliminate those opportunities. Maybe you lock up in the morning and she takes the keys with her and gives them back when you get home. Or get a Kitchen Safe from Amazon and she makes sure you are locked in the morning but the Safe gives access at 9PM.

    Many ways to do it but you need a secure cage and probably a way to keep you from wasting time on porn and other erotica. Maybe give her Parental controls of your computers and phone to reduce the temptation. If that idea scares you then you are probably addicted to it which is another problem to solve. Look at yourself as an outsider and give yourself the advice you know you need to be a better man.
     
  17. Isopropylforyou
    Offline

    Isopropylforyou Active member

    Joined:
    Mar 1, 2020
    Messages:
    203
    Likes Received:
    379
    Trophy Points:
    73
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Seeker of Truth and Knowledge.
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    Texas
    Local Time:
    3:00 AM
    I have the same problem.

    You are fighting three things in regards to your Masterbating.

    Hormones
    Routine
    Addiction

    Hormones is the one thing you can do nothing about. That will get fixed with age.

    Routine. I am guessing that you will masterbate at the same time of day in the same place. Be busy and active during those times. I would usually masterbate right before bed, so I made sure I was doing something before hand and usually I was so tired I just laid down and went to sleep.

    Addiction. I was addicted to the endorphin rush of my orgasm. Which is why I 'had' to masterbate.

    You need to completely shake up your daily life and build a new daily routine.

    Start tracking when and where you masterbate and then during those times, do something else. Go for a walk, mow the lawn, call your parents, call your girlfriend do something that will require some cognitive thinking.

    Next start getting permission to masterbate from your girlfriend. This is what I did. I started asking my wife if I could masterbate. This will begin to make it about her. Your brain will then begin to associate sexual pleasure with her. Start pushing the time between masterbating session a bit longer and longer. Start keeping track of how long.

    Next, and this is a strange one, give ownership of your penis to her. I did this and started thinking that it not my to play with, it's my wife's. So when I asked for permission, it has more meaning. And again making my brain associate sexual pleasure with my wife

    Finally, sit down with her and explain everything.

    Tell her that you masterbate way too much. Tell her how much. Tell her about wanting to stop but you cannot do it by yourself. Tell her about what you have done to try and stop and how it did not work. Ask for her help. Together come up with ideas to help move your masterbating to love making.

    If you are serious about this, and I believe you are, you might want to look into a custom cage. Someone on here has to know or have an idea of what cage would work best for you. Or keep looking for a cage on Amazon. Some of them, believe it or not, have free returns.

    One final bit of advice. This is a process. There will be times when you succeed and times when you don't. Do not think of it as a falure. It is a learning experience. See what did not work and make changes. I have been working on my Masterbating addiction for almost a year. Believe me, it is a long hard process. But it is worth it.

    Good luck and let me know if you need anything else.

    Iso.
     
  18. Isopropylforyou
    Offline

    Isopropylforyou Active member

    Joined:
    Mar 1, 2020
    Messages:
    203
    Likes Received:
    379
    Trophy Points:
    73
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Seeker of Truth and Knowledge.
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    Texas
    Local Time:
    3:00 AM
    Oh and one more thing,

    Welcome to the Mansion.

    Iso.
     
  19. madams-sissysub
    Offline

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2009
    Messages:
    4,386
    Likes Received:
    2,677
    Trophy Points:
    143
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    nurse
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    uk (west mids)
    Home Page:
    Local Time:
    8:00 AM
    great advice.
     
    Isopropylforyou likes this.
  20. Isopropylforyou
    Offline

    Isopropylforyou Active member

    Joined:
    Mar 1, 2020
    Messages:
    203
    Likes Received:
    379
    Trophy Points:
    73
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Seeker of Truth and Knowledge.
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    Texas
    Local Time:
    3:00 AM
    Thank you.

    Iso.
     
  21. GarryWaa
    Offline

    GarryWaa New member

    Joined:
    Apr 17, 2021
    Messages:
    18
    Likes Received:
    11
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Local Time:
    4:00 AM
    Thank you for all of your advice, all of you.
    I (begrudgingly) do think I am addicted to some extent unfortunately, but I think with the right tools and support from her I can do it.

    Lots of good information.
     
    Isopropylforyou likes this.
  22. Jessica Alexander
    Offline

    Jessica Alexander Trans woman not a mistress or Dom

    Joined:
    Jan 26, 2016
    Messages:
    1,737
    Likes Received:
    3,234
    Trophy Points:
    143
    Gender:
    Female
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    Houston
    Local Time:
    9:00 AM
    If you have a specific time of masturbation opportunity, use some 5% lidocaine numbing cream/spray and add a condom. After 10 minutes or so, you won’t be able to feel much until an hour or longer after you remove condom. A month of this and it may help you break the habit.
     
    GarryWaa likes this.
  23. MissAmanda
    Offline

    MissAmanda The nomadic one
    Verified Female

    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2016
    Messages:
    50
    Likes Received:
    31
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    Traveling, Florida
    Local Time:
    3:00 AM
    I think Isopropylforyou had a lot of great advice. One thing I would add.

    Also explain to her the things you said above about feeling that you take more than you give, and that you want to be a more giving partner for her. This way it's about both of you, and the relationship.

    You totally got this!
     
    Isopropylforyou and GarryWaa like this.
  24. GarryWaa
    Offline

    GarryWaa New member

    Joined:
    Apr 17, 2021
    Messages:
    18
    Likes Received:
    11
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Local Time:
    4:00 AM
    Thank you all again for your helpful advice.

    I've decided I'm going to give this another go, though I need to find a better device and do some other prep first.
    Long-term I'm considering getting a PA but I'd like to try some more ball-trap devices to (hopefully) find something I can realistically wear around the clock and not (easily) pull out and put back into.

    Its become very clear to me that device or not my masturbation habit is going to be hard to kick, but I want to atleast try the device approach (as I do find all of this quite... exciting)

    Wish me luck!
     
    Isopropylforyou likes this.
  25. jemima
    Offline

    jemima maid for my Mistress

    Joined:
    Dec 19, 2011
    Messages:
    7,445
    Likes Received:
    7,847
    Trophy Points:
    153
    Occupation:
    Maid
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    West Midlands. UK.
    Local Time:
    9:00 AM
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice