Should I request chastity?

Discussion in 'Novices and newbies' started by Deleted member 108758, May 24, 2023.

  1. Deleted member 108758
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    Sorry if this isn't the best place to ask this.

    My wife of 8 years and I have 3 young kids, and are frankly struggling. We love each other and are happy together, but our sex life has vanished since we had our last child. She's admitted to me that she's lost some of her confidence (which is normally high) and wants me to "pump her up", put her first, and take care of her on the day to day. She wanted me to research and "figure it out." This has led me to find female led relationships, and femdom all together. Which of course led me to chastity. For some reason I like the idea of her holding me key, and do believe it could benefit me in serving her. Sexually I'm turned on by the idea of her taking charge, but I actually think what she needs is to do less. That's why a gentle female led relationship might be right for us.

    I think my wife would take really well to being served outside of the bedroom, but I'm not sure I have the energy for it. I know I should just probably start serving her and treating her as my Goddess, but I don't know how any of the submissive men find that energy. I work full time and am an active father. I feel like I could be a good submissive to her, but without training or any direction with it, I'm afraid it would fizzle out with her being disappointed.

    I'm hoping some people here could possibly relate. I'm just fishing for some advice in how to explain this FLR dynamic to her. Should I explain it at all? Are there resources recommended we could look at together? I do see her as superior and am willing to place her needs above my own, it's just a little intimidating to get started. Thanks to anyone who read all this. I appreciate any help I can get.
     
  2. ChasteJase
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    ChasteJase Long term member

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    I'm interested in hearing some answers to this. I am in a similar situation with similar feelings, desires and concerns. I don't have a great answer for you but I would be interested in hearing what others contribute here. There are times when I feel like I already do so much that if I gave anymore I would be unhappy and exhausted more than I am. Sometimes I truly want to be left alone and self-centered - at the same time, I wonder if the satisfaction I get from being alone and self-centered would be replaced and exceeded by some kind of pleasure in scratching a bit of that submissive itch. Good question to ask.
     
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  3. Kiye
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    Kiye subslut of Vylette

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    First off, welcome!

    Secondly, maybe don't jump straight to chastity, but you can have that as a goal if you both want to later.

    With FLRs the absolute starting point to think about rituals that make the Domme/sub roles feel real to both of you.

    These are the foundations of your relationship and can be seen as a way to show your affection to one another. They must be agreed on between the two of you

    I will provide an example. One thing I will do is bring my Wife a coffee first thing in the morning. I do it every day, as long as she wants a coffee. When I hand it to her I say "I belong to you Mistress". In turn, she thanks me and gives me a kiss. Sometimes she will also order me to kneel. But notice in this interaction we both have a part to play. I will touch on that later.

    Now, you don't have to do precisely that, that's just an example, be as creative as you like, but that's one very easy way we acknowledge our dynamic in our relationship.

    A few small gestures like this that you both complete each day can be built up and are what makes your dynamic feel real to the both of you.

    I cannot stress enough that this part is a two way street. You both need to show each other that you are in your role. This makes your Domme feel powerful and as the sub you should start to feel like you're in a submissive headspace the more you do these actions. If these actions are well thought out and repeated, they're self-reinforcing.

    Then hey presto, before you know it, your dynamic will feel real and exciting to you and like your Domme is powerful and this is where I draw my motivation to submit to and obey her.

    Later on you can start to talk about titles and kink/bdsm play (if you even want to do that) but it all comes secondary to what I just mentioned which is establishing and bringing your dynamic to the forefront.
     
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  4. ChasteJase
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    ChasteJase Long term member

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    That's a very good illustration of how to take baby steps into the lifestyle. I like that a lot.
     
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  5. Jay Sub
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    Jay Sub Married with Cage

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    Do you have the energy to secretly masturbate when your wife is too tired and run down by all the emotional labour of raising kids and looking after you, and you haven't had sex in a couple of weeks? If yes... then you have the energy to be locked. Denial will give you a burst of unspent sexual energy that she will appreciate.
     
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  6. WWSUB
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    WWSUB Long term member

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    I know how you feel, after our first child our sex lives dropped to nothing. We had been together 9 years and married for 3 by the time our first kiddo came along. We had sex very frequently in those 9 years, if it wasn’t daily it was still multiple times during the week. When she had our son the birth was pretty traumatic physically and she suffered some really bad tearing. It was well over a year before she even wanted to attempt PIV sex and even touching her down there I had to be very gentle for several months. This is actually how I came across chastity. In my case I had started pleasuring myself far to often (honestly been a problem for a long time) which was not helping me in being attentive to my wife’s needs. I was already feeling guilty about masturbating and was needing a change when I discovered male chastity via some femdom porn I was watching. I’d always been into femdom and discovering a way to possibly incorporate this into our lives and bring us closer together seemed like a no brainer to me.

    I was so afraid to bring it up to her because for the most part we come from a fairly vanilla background and didn’t know how she’d really feel about me being her submissive or her wanting to be domme. I got up the courage and took the leap and asked her about locking me. My explanation went horribly, she looked so puzzled as to why I’d want this as I was nervously bumbling through my words. In the end she said she’d “think about it”. I gave her two weeks without saying a word about it until I was ready to implode. I brought it up again and I could tell by the look on her face she was hoping I wouldn’t bring it back up. This time though I was smarter about it and had done a little more research and tried to get more info from the female perspective and not some crazy unrealistic fantasy dominatrix crap. I just gave her a few realistic reasons why I think it could be good for us. She was more receptive this time so I kept it short and asked her if I could buy her a book about male chastity. I told her I think a book written by an actual key holder could explain better than I. She agreed and said I could order the book and I ordered a book titled Male Chastity by Lucy Fairbourne.

    I ordered it from Amazon after reading its reviews, it was a good nice entry level explanation of chastity and many of the associated things like FLR. Took the book about a week to arrive, what was funny was that over the course of that week my wife actually was very excited about reading the book. The day it came I picked up our mail after coming home from work, I knew what the Amazon package was…. So did she. She took it from me opened the package and disappeared into our bedroom for 45 minutes reading the book cover to cover. She came out of our room with an excited look on her face and said “we’re doing this!”.

    That was the start of 8 years of chastity and FLR. There’s been lots of ups and downs over those 8 years with the ongoings of life and we’ve learned lots about ourselves and our roles in that time.

    Now my wife and I have recently had another child, he’s almost 18 months now. This go around was different, giving birth this time was very quick and much much easier for her compared to the first. What was crazy is this time she couldn’t wait to have PIV sex but obviously with the new baby he took all of our time plus taking care of a 8 year old as well. Just like you neither of us have any energy at the end of the day, she was full time momming and I was working full time as well. No alone time for several months and we were worn out. Our sex has been pretty non existent in the last year but has picked back up a little since the baby is a little older and my wife is back to work part time. This has helped create some time for us. There were some frustratingly horny times for me but the one intimate thing I could always do for her is massage her and run my fingertips over her back lightly, she always loves that. Even that simple intimate act did a lot for both of us. Not to mention the chastity really helped encourage me to be the best husband I could in terms of her getting everything she needed from me and more. She was so appreciative of my extra efforts and even commenting that most men probably would go as far as I go for her. The chastity really helps keep me in that subservient, doting mind set.

    We’re just now starting to be able to go out and take a weekend away from home without the kids. Things are picking back up for us again and at the end of it all I love serving my wife everyday. We are not hardcore by any means but we are kinky and have a lot of fun when time allows. It’s fun to watch my wife grow and embrace being a dominant. I think it’s really done wonders for her confidence as well as our relationship and has allowed me to live as the submissive I am.

    I think you certainly should talk to her about this, but as you mentioned, get GOOD info and resources. Obviously there are lots of good resources here but also be mindful of what you’re reading because there’s a lot of bullshit here too. I highly recommend the book I mentioned above, it’s over 8 years old now and MC has become immensely popular so I’m sure there are many more books on the subject out there. I like the one I bought for my wife because it was sensible and written from a realistic perspective.

    Good luck and I hope things go the way you want them too. This has been an amazingly fun lifestyle to live with my wife, this has improved our lives and connection on so many levels.
     
  7. Disciplined Boyfriend
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    Hmmm, FLR + Femdom can be hard work. But if your interested in chastity, talk to your wife about it, tell her your interested and explain what the benefits could be for her. But don't confuse FLR / Femdom with it, they are different things. ASK her if she would like to explore it with her, even explaining that you would like to try.

    There's lot of posts on her with the same question, but different titles i.e. How do I get my wife into chastity etc.

    A
     
  8. Jessica Alexander
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    Jessica Alexander Trans woman not a mistress or Dom

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    How you frame it is everything. Don’t treat it as some “coming out” moment are the reveal of a dark fantasy. Find a good stainless steel device and make sure it fits well with no issues. Introduce it as a weekend game or a day game where she holds the key until she thinks you have earned a release.

    I’d suggest not bringing up the idea of denial because her first thought will be , “don’t you want me”? If she enjoys your behavior enough while you are locked, she may very well want you to be locked more often. You may at some point suggest that you are ok if she wants you to stay locked unless she wants you unlocked but make it clear to her that you ALWAYS want her.

    let things evolve naturally and at her pace. You will find that you are more motivated and energetic since she is holding the key and you will have a strong desire to please her in every way!
     
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  9. NsToy
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    NsToy Long term member

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    I would hold off. Do your best to try and do as much for her as possible as if you were in chastity but having young kids takes a bunch of work and adding something like this to her plate might not be what she is looking for. A FLR might sound overwhelming to her if she is having to take care of three kids and now you might be asking her to be your keyholder.

    You know your wife better than us. Is she someone that tends to be kinky? If so, it might work, but step lightly.
     
  10. Design is me
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    Design is me Long term member

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    You could also talk to her about her controlling when you have an orgasm and just try to use the honor method. You will find that all of the energy you were using up to masturbate will be there for you to please her.
    We tried that first and I would inevitably fail and end up masterbating. She would notice my change in behavior and know that i had cheated. She hated the idea of a cage at first, but now I wear one 24/7 at her request. She know loves to hold it when I bring her to orgasm. I get let out for PIV about every 4 to 5 weeks.
    You will be surprised at your desire to please her after a week without an orgasm.
     
  11. JaySaysYes
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    JaySaysYes I identify as someone that is always right

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    So she wants you to help her out, help her feel sexy, support her.

    I don't think asking her to lock your dick in a cage and then listen to you whine about how horny you are, or pester her all day long for sex, is the best idea.

    If you need the cage to be a better partner then something isn't right.
     
  12. Design is me
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    Design is me Long term member

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    No one is perfect, including you. Nor is every relationship perfect. Sometimes it takes a little help to get us to be closer to being 'right". Chastity has made my marriage a lot better because it helps me focus on my wife which makes me a better husband. If you don't that need then good for you.
     
  13. JaySaysYes
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    JaySaysYes I identify as someone that is always right

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    This post isn't about you, and my reply wasn't aimed at you.

    Good for you though, thanks for sharing.
     
  14. Design is me
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    Design is me Long term member

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    Your post basically insulted anyone that uses a chastity cage. Read it back to yourself and tell me it isn't insulting. This post is about you and is aimed at you. You might want to share less.
     
  15. JaySaysYes
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    JaySaysYes I identify as someone that is always right

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    Read it. It wasn't insulting. Maybe you should stop projecting your own intonation onto me.
     
  16. Design is me
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    Design is me Long term member

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    If you need the cage then something isn't right. In the English language if it isn't right then it is wrong. You just insulted almost everyone on this site. We can continue with this witty banter all day but the simp,e fact remains. You made an insulting post and I called you on it.
     
  17. JaySaysYes
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    JaySaysYes I identify as someone that is always right

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    Despite you wanting to be insulted, I wasn't talking to you, or to a wider audience, I was talking to the OP, in response to what he wrote in the OP.

    If you look closely, you'll find the OP isn't about you or a wider audience.

    But please, continue to feel insulted all day long, lol.
     
  18. Design is me
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    Design is me Long term member

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    Witty banter.
     
  19. Shepherdsflock
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    Shepherdsflock Long term member

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    We have six kids. I've been through the "exhausted mom" phase for over a decade with my wife. There's a good chance that she'll see holding the key and being in charge of your sex life as just another responsibility to pile on top of her already overwhelming workload.

    She probably just wants you to serve her without any sexual component involved.
     
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