Should Dominants do things they don't like?

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by PouchPantyLover, Dec 9, 2017.

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Should dominants fo things they don't like doing?

  1. No, they're dominants. They shouldn't have to put up with doing something they don't like.

    39 vote(s)
    81.3%
  2. Yes they should if they do it of their own free will and to have an impact on their submissive.

    9 vote(s)
    18.8%
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  1. PouchPantyLover
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    I received a little criticism in another thread for describing something my dominant wife does that she doesn't like. In fact is repulsed by it. In reflecting on this it made me think of this question. From my time on CM I've seen a lot of air time spent on what the sub should do with a heavy emphasis on avoiding topping from the bottom. I don't think I've seen the question turned on it's head. So I decided to ask it.

    My wife and I consider ourselves to be in a FLR with her being dominant and me being submissive. If she were to list the things she loves about this relationship it would be 1) Increased intimacy and attention from me, 2) Increased orgasms and sexual freedom for her and 3) My domestic service to her. None of the things she loves are about things she does to me. In fact if she listed her three least favorite things about our FLR the first would easily be how surly and non-compliant I get after an orgasm and the other two would be making me eat cum and peeing on me.

    So if she's dominant, why should she have to put up with doing things she doesn't like or enjoy? Why does she do it? The simple answer for us is that she does certain things for the effect instead of the experience. It's like going to the doctor. It's a pain to go, sit and wait in a waiting room and when you're finally seen you get stuck with needles. No fun right? Still we go because the outcome is important. For me I could not be submissive if she didn't do things to make me feel that way. She understands this and will take actions accordingly on her own initiative.

    While I don't mean to cast dispersion's on anyones dynamic. This seems the fundamental basis of a dominant and submissive relationship to me. If someone doesn't dominate you, how can you submit to them? If you just do whatever someone wants or tells you to do are you really submitting? If we don't need the dominant to dominate us, why are any of us locked up? I know what works for us, but I'm curious from both the dominant and submissive perspective, what works for you?
     
  2. demale
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    demale Long term member

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    My dominant wife NEVER does anything she doesn't want to do and I am not allowed to suggest anything. Much of what she demands is perfectly fine with me but it MUST be her idea since I'm expected to be docile and obedient -- and am.
     
  3. DGuy91
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    DGuy91 Member

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    We submit to them because we love them, not because they dominate us.
     
  4. Mash2214
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    Mash2214 Locked today, tomorrow, forever

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    I do t see this Question as being a simple No she shouldn't. A lot of it depends on how your relationship is. Saying your in a FLR relationship is different from one household to another. If the Dom does something that she may not necessarily like say pegging her husband but he really enjoys it and is extremely grateful for her taking the time to do it, than the benifit to her could easily be 10 fold. So is 10 minutes of doing something you don't really like worth the dedication and commitment the sub returns to her. Like I said earlier their is no perfect rule book on how to run your FLR relationship so it depends.

    When my wife first started spanking me some 25 years ago she didn't enjoy doing it. Now when she Disciplines me I'm the one not enjoying it and she Likes the Power and Control she has over me. If she had followed the rule that you do nt do something you don't like she never would have developed into the Strong Controling Mistress that she is today. That is my Opinion for what it's worth
     
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  5. Mistress Jules
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    Mistress Jules Professional Dominatrix and Owner of Lockit
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    As @Mash2214 says, there will be a variety of ways of looking at this question.

    I find it difficult to figure why if something repulses your partner that you would continue to push them to do it? I think that says a lot about the person pushing for this action. You know your partner is repulsed but you still think your needs are so great that they should overcome their revulsion to keep you happy?

    If there is something that the dominant is not keen on doing that is probably something that is open for negotiation as is any action that could be asked of the submissive. All relationships are based on give and take after all and sometimes exploring something leads to you finding it is enjoyable and it becomes a staple. Originally I never thought I could flog or whip someone, now I absolutely love it, so I know it can happen.

    There is a huge difference however between something that someone is not keen on and something that makes them physically sick. In some cases that would be seen as abusive behaviour, certainly not part of a loving relationship.
     
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  6. PouchPantyLover
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    PouchPantyLover Long term member

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    I think you're missing the point. I'm not suggesting they do something against their will. I'm asking whether they should do something they don't like or enjoy in order to have a specific impact. It should still be their call as to what they do.
     
  7. PouchPantyLover
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    So Men that don't submit to their wives don't love them? You can have a loving relationship with or without domination and submission. My point is they are two sides of the same coin.
     
  8. L-u-c-y
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    If the dominant has to do things that they find repulsive in order to control the submissive, are they really dominating or being dominated?
     
  9. PouchPantyLover
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    PouchPantyLover Long term member

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    I agree exactly with what you are saying. I actually didn't start this thread for validation or repudiation of how we do things in our house. We're all good there. I was more curious about others thoughts for their own relationship. Your example on discipline is exactly what I'm talking about though. If she hadn't stepped outside of her comfort zone your submission might not have taken hold or lasted. We submit to their dominance.
     
  10. PouchPantyLover
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    I think the main thing with what you are saying that I agree with is why would you would push them to do it. I don't and that's not what I'm asking. I'm asking whether a dominant person should do something they don't enjoy to create a specific effect in their submissive. For you is every action taken with your pleasure, satisfaction and fullfilment at the forefront? Or do you take actions to produce a specific reaction in your submissive that is simply not a thing you would do otherwise.

    My wife is more the social butterfly and I'm more the homebody. Well before chastity and FLR I would go to parties, dinners and events I would rather have just skipped. It's a natural dynamic in healthy relationship to think of your mate before yourself at least some of the time. Does that translate to a dominant/submissive relationship as well? For us yes.
     
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  11. Mash2214
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    this can seem like a simple Question but every relationship is different. For example I've been with my wife for almost 38 years. 25 she's been spanking me and almost 8 in chastity. So our relationship is different than @Mistress Lucy who isn't even that old. I'm also sure her Dominance over her subs and yes I mean subs is different than wife over a husband of 35 years. This is one of the things that makes this life style exciting and the Mansion so popular. No one is doing it the wrong way
     
  12. PouchPantyLover
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    PouchPantyLover Long term member

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    Yeah Mash I agree. I'm just really frustrated with this thread. It was intended as an intellectual discussion on the nature of domination and submission being two sides of the same coin. It's not about my relationship. Like you I'm in a long term loving marriage and I'm comfortable with where we are. Was hoping for further insight than the joy is in the serving kind of mantra. All relationships are more complicated than that.
     
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  13. Mash2214
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    Sorry about that @PouchPantyLover i shouldn't have voted Yes but I see that I wasn't the only one.

    The idea of Domination and submission being two sides of the same coin is very interesting. I'm reading a book right now where people are struggling with that very thought their submissive to their masters but are also Dominant to those below them. The book series is the "Sleeping Beauty by Anne Rice "

    Also to totally understand someone else you need to " walk a Day in their shoes " or to be a good Dom you need to understand where the sub is combing from and what better way than to be submissive to someone. I've also always been of the understanding that I'm not going to tell or order someone to do something that I wouldn't do myself so if a Dom finds something that she doesn't like maybe their are also things she's doing to her sub that she shouldn't be doing because he doesn't like it or it's taking away his free will. Should a Dom be doing things to her sub against his will?

    Take care and if I miss lead your thread I'm Sorry
     
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  14. Chastitybf88
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    Interesting question and I think I get what you're saying. Should they? Idk. It depends on individual decisions of that dominant. Also, I think it's very important that even if they don't want to do something, it ultimately be their choice on whether or not they do it.
     
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  15. DGuy91
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    Of course you can, However, I thought it was obvious that the context of the conversation was clear, we are talking about a D/s dynamic. With that sorted out, I could ask, by getting your wife to perform a fetish she doesn’t like, is it the fetish you love, or her?

    Not questioning your love for your wife. Just playing devils advocate and asking a hypothetical that interests me.
     
  16. imasissytoo
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    I can see a Pro Dom or Domme having a "No Way " List. However, I can see a little give and take with limits in a loving and healthy relationship
     
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  17. lockit
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    lockit Advanced Member

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    I voted no because I would not want my partner to do anything she did not want to.
    The very first line of your post "I received a little criticism in another thread for describing something my dominant wife does that she doesn't like. In fact is repulsed"
    has confused the question.
    I know @Mistress Jules may do things for me that I enjoy I she may not.
    That is not things that repulse her or she does not want to do. It is things she does to make me happy.
     
  18. Chastitybf88
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    Interesting point @lockit and I would assume that whatever things your mistress does to make you happy further motivate you into submission to her, yes? So I agreed with your point of things being give and take.
     
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  19. filltee
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    I think on the face of it it looks like the Key Holder is being topped form the bottom.

    But I can also see a situation where the KH might do something she/he does not particularly enjoy or even dislikes because of the positive effect it has on the locked one, which in turn enhances the KH's control in some way or perhaps overall.

    I dont like doing this but it really does make him....whatever .... which is fun for me and he hates it
     
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  20. harddenial
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    Is it down to expectation? My wife expects me to be heavily involved with the laundry, cooking etc. She makes decisions on vacation timings and I have to fit round it. She is reasonable about it but e.g., if I have to return to work at some point then that's my problem. She goes away with family members when it suits her and them, not necessarily me. She likes orgasm denial for me in as much as she wants good quality oral orgasms when she wants them and she knows I'll always oblige and be 100% motivated. She considers that this sexual dynamic is a sort of mirror image of when we were first together (if you swap oral for intercourse LOL) and is happy to indulge herself. She definitely would not want or expect to do anything she doesn't like to improve her dominance; why should she when it is understood so well? She does lots of kind things for lots of people, including me, such as leaving some freshly-made soup on Friday night for me when I got home late from work; she wasn't going to miss her party or be late because of me though.
     
  21. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    I think should or shouldn’t is kind of loaded. It’s polarizing and too black and white. I on the other hand can’t think of another way to say it. Maybe asking IF the dominant participates in activities they do not like because they know their subs need or want to.

    Anyway, to answer the question I say they shouldn’t, but that doesn’t mean they won’t do it for their own benefit.

    With us there are plenty of things I am sure she does or makes me do that she is not keen on. Or more importantly, things that do not turn her on. Some things I think she was grossed out about, she gave it a try, but stopped attempting because it wasn’t something she felt comfortable doing. She did try though. Pegging comes to mind. She did it a few times but hasn’t done it since. I assume it is something she doesn’t care for since she has not done it since. No big deal. It isn’t something I particularly enjoy, it is something that would put me in my place, and affect my mindset. To her, that activity must not be worth the results it brings.

    Another activity that doesn’t turn her on is me being feminine. She isn’t attracted to women and me dressed like a female doesn’t trip her trigger. That being said, she does want me to perform maid service, because it puts me in an attentive and submissive state that DOES turn her on. This activity must be worth the results it produces because we continue it.

    Some things she did not care for, but she read online that it would make me more submissive, so she attempted them. Cleaning my cum up is one example. She said (here I believe) that she wouldn’t mind me cleaning her but feeding from her hand would be weird. She ended up trying, and turns out she loves wiping it up and putting her fingers to my mouth. She also loves how much faster I return to her attentive pet when she does it. I do not like it. It does however have an affect on me and even our relationship. It’s a dirty little secret that is ours to share, and hers to wield as she sees fit.

    If doing something really does gross them out I surely wouldn’t want them to do it for my sake, but I have no problem if they are doing it for their own benefit.

    Experimenting happens, and trial and error will always have a fair share of fails. Being in a loving relationship means there will always be something they do because they want to please the other. Repulsed I think goes a bit beyond the call of duty though.
     
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  22. Mistress B
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    Mistress B Mistress B

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    Well I may have done things I didn't particularly like once or twice but it certainly didn't become the norm.
     
  23. PouchPantyLover
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    PouchPantyLover Long term member

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    To answer your question I love my wife. We have only been involved in chastity and FLR for less than a year, but together for over 20 years. We have tried various "kinks" for lack of a better term, but nothing really clicked until chastity. My wife loves having me be submissive to her, however I am not a naturally submissive person. While she has some dominant traits and has long been dominant in bed, she isn't some leather clad whip wielding mistress type. What we have discovered naturally or as I've said before organically, is that her actions deeply impact my level of submissiveness to her. The simple act of locking my penis in a cage and holding the key is one such example. When simply locked and forgotten though, I tend to lose my submissiveness. I struggle with performing my required chores and manifest other undesirable traits she doesn't care for. What we discovered is that when she puts an effort into any number of activities it keeps me in my place. Perhaps the thing she does the best and goes closest to enjoyable for her is my weekly punishment spanking. She isn't a sadist, so she doesn't enjoy inflicting pain, but she does enjoy the feeling of power over me. Never the less she does it for the outcome, not the experience. I'm sure she'd rather read a book or go for a walk or any number of things she enjoys more. However since she wants the outcome she breaks out the paddle. I don't ask my wife to do things she doesn't like, she does them of her own volition and free will. Just like she goes to her crossfit class even though she doesn't feel like working out. She does it to have an effect.

    I can see now my mistake in raising this question was to include the personal information about my relationship. I should have kept it generic to keep the discussion more on point. Also clearly the use of the word "repulsed" was inflammatory. My main point in bringing this up was to make people look at the actions of their dominant and question are they doing this because it's fun for them? Or because they like what it does to me? I doubt there are many people in committed relationships where the dominants every action is for their sole pleasure alone. I would think most pro Domme's actions are almost exclusively for the subs benefit. I enjoy my job, but I build what my client wants. I'd think they are the same more or less from the ads I've seen.
     
  24. Chastitybf88
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    One clear thing is that whatever stance you take on this matter, whatever a dominants decision is must be obeyed completely.
     
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  25. Jasmic68
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    Jasmic68 Long term member

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    It’s not a simple question that can be answered with a yes or no. My Wife shouldn’t do anything she doesn’t like, but if she chooses to because of the affect it has on me, who am I to tell her she shouldn’t do it, or for that matter, who amongst other dominants have the right to tell her she shouldn’t do it?

    I think the likelihood of her doing something she is uncomfortable with is far greater than doing something that repulses her, but not impossible. I have the perfect example to illustrate this.

    About twenty years ago I was giving her a massage when I started to rub her between her buttocks, gently stroking her anus. She literally ran away from me, and later told me I had gone too far, she wasn’t ready for that. At the time she didn’t like the idea one little bit. Fast forward to last night. I gave her a massage and after I had done the majority of her back asked if she had any further instructions for me.

    Elle told me that she didn’t want any licking or fingers inserted into her bottom, but that I was to give it a very good massage. She even instructed me to just use both my thumbs at the same time, rotating around her anus as that was giving her the best feelings.

    The first time I tried the very idea of it repulsed her. Now she has a menu of options that she chooses from. It just took time and she moved from repulsion to demanding.

    Elle goes at her own pace and does what she wants to do. She does things to me now that she has never done before and enjoys herself immensely. I think this also makes it more likely that she will try things that she would previously not have wanted to do.

    This thread has actually made me think it would be a good idea to go back to the questionnaire we filled in two years ago where in one section we discussed our hard limits. It will be interesting to see if they have changed.
     
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