Shibmo's story

Discussion in 'Chastity in vanilla life' started by Shibmo, Aug 31, 2020.

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  1. Shibmo
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    Shibmo New member

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    Hello Everybody,

    I've been lurking on this forum for quite a while now, but I thought this would be the right moment to make my first post. I know there are a lot of similar posts, but still I wanted to share my story and maybe some of you might be able to give me some advice.

    I'm with my wife for over 13 years now, and married for 4 years. We are pretty much each others first love/sexual partner. Our sex life has never been very active, with PIV rarely happening. She gave me pretty frequent handjobs and for a long time that was ok. In the first few years she already discovered my interests in (anal) toys and of my kinky side. After a couple of years my collection had grown, and at some point she even wanted to participate (She has even pegged me a couple of times). In those years I learned about myself that I like a lot of kinks, mostly around toys, (self)bondage and femdom. Until there was a turning point, where she discovered me wearing thongs in her presence. I still don't really know why thát was the turning point. I guess it was just the discovery and the fact that I was hiding stuff from her. We had a huge fight and conclusion was that I threw all of the toys into the bin, promising I would not do this again. I guess that was like 7 years ago.

    I setteled in my new sexlife and actually we had more sex for a while (getting married seems to help ;) ). And when fulfilled with my vanilla sex, i don't really have that much of an urge to submit to my kinks. And when I had the urge to do something to the kinky side, I would just watch some porn, or use some household items. I guess that in this period I discovered the idea of chastity and started to look into it.
    2 years ago we decided to start a family, and the period we were trying to concieve might have been the period that we had sex most often. We got pregnant pretty easy (4 months or so), and during the pregnancy I didn't really have any sexual desires except caring for my beautiful wife.

    About a year ago, our son was about 6 months and normal life started to pick up. I had an urge. I went online and ordered a buttplug. In the following months a couple more toys followed. I could easily hide my play sessions, as my wife works irregular shifts, so there's always a free evening to look forward to for some solo play.

    In februari this year I started working from home, due to the corona crisis. I had a lot more time on my hands, and I decided to order my first chastity cage. I started to experiment with staying chaste, and not to masturbate that much anymore (usually 3-4 times a week). Usually during a shower, just quickly releasing pressure. When we had PIV for the first time after her pregnancy (lets say march), I came within seconds. I have always been a pre-e, but this time it was way to quick. It left us both unsatisfied. I tried to introduce orgasm control to my wife, telling her I would like to stop masturbating, but that I would need her help. That I would like her to tell me when I could, or couldn't masturbate. I told her that it might help me build up stamina, and reprogramming my body from those quick releases. She didn't really catch up to that, and after a couple of weeks without a real response, I gave up and went back to my old routine.

    In april we got the news that she is pregnant again. We are really happy about that, but our sex-life has come to a complete stop. I understand she doesn't want to have PIV, but she pretty much stopped touching me at all. Sometimes I have to beg just to get a proper hug or kiss. We have had quite a few talks about that, that usually helps for a couple of days, and then it gets back to zero.

    In july I started keeping track of my exploits using a journal. I managed to keep chaste for about 2 weeks, secretly wearing my cage when she wasn't at home. concluding with wearing it 4 days non-stop, when she had a couple of night shifts. I had read about the hormonal/mind change men can experience when they are chaste, and I really experienced that. I felt more compassionate and caring to my wife, doing chores without question, and being a better husband in all. I really like that version of myself. Also I noticed the mood drop afterwards. Pretty much falling into my old, masturbating self in a couple of days.
    I felt that I would really like to wear the cage more, and of course would love to give the key to my wife.

    About a month ago I decided for myself that it was time to come clean and tell her about all of it. I tried to start a conversation about it a couple of times, but just didn't dare to confess. So I decided to write her a letter to tell it all, and that I would give it to her at an appropiate time. I took my toys out of my hiding spot, and put them in my nightstand, with the letter on top, ready to give it to her when the time arived.
    Of course that never happened. There always was a reason not to bring it up. Or I just didn't dare to.

    Last friday night I decided to drop it on her. It still wasn't a good moment and I still didn't dare to, to terrified of her possible response. I put the letter on her nightstand and left the house for my sports training. Knowing she would definitly find and read it before I would be back home. I think I have never been that nervous. I thought I might puke from it. After the training she hadn't texted me, so I waited a bit longer before going home, to be shure that she would be asleep. I know this was a very cowardly way to tell her my secret, but I feel it was the only way i could.

    In my letter i confessed my purchases and that they were now in my nightstand. That I no longer want to hide from her, but know she doesn't have the same needs. That I don't expect her to join in, but would love if she would. That it would be the ultimate fantasy to hand her the keys to my cock.

    The day after she was very silent, not really responding to me in any way. At night I offered her a back massage, knowing that would be a good moment to talk. She didn't really want to talk but we talked a little, that i thought she had to know, and that I knew that this wasn't a good moment for her (being pregnant and all). But also that I thought that that shouldn't be worth it to keep it secret for more than 6 months longer. She said that it was quite a lot to handle, and that she thought "some things to be very extreme". (I guess she meant the cage, as she knows from way back that i like plugs). Also she expressed her doubt about "what other things I have been hiding". I tried to be truthfull en tell her that this was pretty much it. I don't really know if she believed me. I haven't pushed her to talk more, and after a bit of a cuddle and a kiss (mostly ignored by her) we went to sleep.

    After that, we haven't really talked about it again. I want to give her a few days time, to let her feel nothing has really changed. I try to do everything right and help her wherever I can. Yesterday I masturbated again and now I feel guilty, even tough there are no spoken agreements to stay chaste. Right now I am wearing my cage (without her knowing) in an attempt to get back to my submissive mindspace.

    I really have a hard time between my needs and kinks, and her mostly sexually passive mood.
    I don't want to force her into keyholding or something. I am kind of aiming to be allowed to have a few toys in the house. And after that to wear my cage when I feel like it.
    What do you think would be a good timeframe to bring back the subject? A couple of days? Weeks? Months? It is just 3 days since I gave her the letter, but it seems like an eternity...


    Shibmo
     
  2. Drews
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    I think you need to keep in mind her comment that this is a lot for her to handle especially considering her pregnancy. A suggestion would be to let her process for a week or two. After that time let her know the cage really helps not masturbating and keeping your correct focus. Ask if you can try wearing it without her participating. If she says yes she might see a benefit and eventually progress. My wife actually did not mind me masturbating because she felt guilty that she did not give me enough sex. She had to see the difference when I was locked to see a benefit. You did the hardest part telling the secret now just move slowly but always keep her the main focus.
     
  3. homebody
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    homebody In awe of GoddesofHomebody

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    It may take more time than you expect. After our initial exposure to chastity my wife wasn't ready to talk about it for a year. But when she was ready and we talked it has gone wonderfully. She has thanked me for being so patient and giving her time to be ready. I wish you all the best.
     
  4. MissyB
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    Welcome to our community. I hope you find useful guidance on how to proceed. I agree that telling her was the right thing, hard to do, and sort of leaves you hanging. But you can't push, especially considering the stress she already is experiencing by carrying a child. Just do as much for her as you can, tell her you love her, and look for opportunities to continue the discussions in a way that doesn't create tension or stress. Good luck and enjoy.
     
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  5. Shibmo
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    Shibmo New member

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    Thank you all for your kind replies!
    I guess I'll just have to be patient then...
    Now it is out there, I have the urge to just keep throwing it all out, trying to get her to understand. But I guess it is better not to.


    I told her about the masturbation, and she doesn't seem to really care. She is okay with it, as long as I don't bother her with it.
    I'll set a date for myself in a week or 2, and try to keep my mouth shut (at least) until then.
     
  6. Anonoman
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    I know how it feels... :confused: The problem now is it feels like she isn’t satisfying you - You want more and she doesn’t want to/isn’t ready to give it. It’s become a blocker to even touching or cuddling.

    When my wife was expecting (twice) our sex life dropped to zero too. I coped by keeping my self entertained, shall we say, so as not to put any extra pressure on what is an emotionally time. If you do use chastity to help then the risk is, if she takes the key, is that you end up locked and forgotten. And that is the quickest way to really feel bitterness and resentment o_O.
    Personally I’d back off pushing or talking about anything sexual at the moment. Take all the sexual stress out of the relationship and wait for her to feel ready. :+1: Just be there to support and make life easy both physically and mentally.
     
  7. debbie jones
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    debbie jones Member

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    your oviosly a very kind man but sometimes i think why the f..k do we bother its realy unacseptable that a man in a relationship should have to masterbate for sexual relife .
    ive heard stories like this so many times in ordenary vinila lives were the guy just dosnt get any sex . probably if you where a roten bastard and out with other women shed be moor interested in you .its like once a woman knows shes got you and theres no risk of loosing you they stop whanting you even though she loves you and you her .ive had some similar aspects in my married life and it can make you very bitter at times wich is a terible state to live in .ive often fantisied about once a woman refues sex it would be nice to be able to say ok no probs im off then im leeving you im gessing shed soon be keen all sorts of kinky sex . i realy do think its the fact they feel they dont have to try anymoor almost li8ke a built in program once they have a child thats it they ve achived there goal .i know a lack of a sex life with my wife has led me down the path of kink and cross dressin ive even grown small breasts id never have done these things if id still had a good sex life
     
  8. Drews
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    My wife was the same about the masturbation. Somehow my wife thought it kind of took the pressure off of her to have sex. I tried saying it was bothering me and asked if I could wear the cage to help me with it because it bothered me. When she got used to the cage I asked her to hold the keys. It sounds like your wife is similar to mine that she is caring and certainly not someone that is interested in dominating you. Sometimes in this situation even wording is important. I initially asked if she would control my penis with the cage and she said no way. I later asked if she would manage it for me since I was not doing a good job of doing it myself. That got a totally different response. Hope that helps.
     
  9. Shibmo
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    Shibmo New member

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    Thank you for your advise. I don't intent on giving her the key right away. And I certainly don't want to be forgotten ;). Thanks to you guys I'm starting to reconsider my goals and timing. I might even have to delay until things with the new baby have settled, in a year or maybe even longer. Not pushing any sexual activity is hard tough... Weird thing is.. That with her first pregnancy my sexdrive dropped pretty much same with her. This time it doesn't. Maybe it is because now we both have less stress about it, as we know what we are getting into.

    Well I guess I just have a very loving and caring wife. I'm even thinking she might be asaxual(ish) as she never really had a sex drive. She has sex because I want it, not because of her own desire (at least most of the time). I knew this very well from the beginning and still chose to be her life partner. Life is more than sex.

    That really helps. I think your story is indeed very similar to mine. The pressure of having sex has always been an issue. In the past I have also told her many times that my ultimate goal isn't to have PIV, but to be intimate with her. I hope that someday we will work it out and take that stress away. Maybe the cage will help.. I hope...
     
  10. Drews
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    It took a lot of discussions and time for my wife to realize the benefit of the cage for her. After numerous discussions she sees that she is now never pressured to have sex. She feels empowered that she does not ever have to give into sex if not in the mood. This has actually increased the number of PIV that we do have. She has said I am nicer to her locked and do a much better job satisfying her when she is in the mood. She eventually said she would like me to stay locked all the time except when she is in the mood but will never force it. I never thought I would be locked 24/7 but it does work. At your point if she lets you wear the cage be sure to let her see it is not hurting you and be extra nice but not needy. Go slow and remember you know your wife the best.
     
  11. Shibmo
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    Shibmo New member

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    I guess you are a very lucky man! I hope to reach that point someday.
    For now my needs need to go in the fridge for a bit. My wife has developed some complaints from the pregnancy, so there is no way she is in a mood to further discuss this, until that is resolved I'll just have to be patient.

    Thanks for all the sincere advise!
     
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  12. homebody
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    homebody In awe of GoddesofHomebody

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    Good luck with the new baby. If it is your first then you may be surprised by how much a newborn will become the focus of your life and take up all your free time and energy at first. There will be time for chastity eventually. But don't miss this very precious time in your life. It will pass in a flash.
     
  13. Shibmo
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    Shibmo New member

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    A bit of an update:

    Last thursday she asked me to put my toys in a different spot, as she didn't like the idea of the cleaning lady finding it in my nightstand. I asked her where to put it then and she said to hide it in the closet. She left the room. I didn't ask further questions and put my toys in the spot she suggested.

    Last night in bed I tried to start a conversation about my masturbation habits. I asked her if she liked the fact that I wanted to cuddle more with her lately. She didn't really want to answer...
    I confessed to her that I was trying to masturbate less, and that I really felt that it changes my mood. And that I actually liked that version of myself.
    Before I could muster the courage to ask her if she was okay if I would self-lock, she responded; "Why are you always doing these kind of things when I'm struggling with my hormones?". I didn't really have an answer to that question. Of course she is right, and any argument I could think of were all centered about my needs, so I kept shut. After an awkward silence she said she wanted to sleep, and that was the end of the conversation.

    I feel like she just want to ignore it, at least for a while. However, I don't really feel like she is really against it either. One of the scenario's I had in my head, was that she would ask me to throw al of the toys out, but instead she just asked to put them in a different spot. She hasn't said a Yes, or a No, it feels like somewhere in between.

    I guess I have to be patient...
     
  14. debbie jones
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    the real shame is that most women arnt realy interested in sex with there husbands after a certain amount of time . its almost like they resent the fact that guys whant sex they become what i call man haters . they all whant a man when there younger but once they have a man the novelty wears off after a few years . yes they whant him to fix the car pay the morgage make the kids ect .to find a woman that realy gets into chastity and enjoys the game is a rare thing .lets face it guys most of them are not interested
     
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  15. Drews
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    Sorry to hear about your situation. It might be best to not discuss for a while and see if she brings it up. If she does not say anything in a while you might want to try wearing the cage without her participation self locking. If she asks you why let her know she mentioned her hormone issue. Let her know the cage helps with your hormone issue and masturbation. After a while if she agrees it might become normalized and appriciate the results
     
  16. Shibmo
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    Shibmo New member

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    I don’t expect her to participate anytime soon. I am self locking sometimes right now, but only stealthy, without her knowing. My first step is to get to the point where I can self lock with her permission.

    She hasn’t seen the cage yet, and I don’t think she will like it when she catches me with it under the shower. And I doubt she will do some research of her own. So I don’t think she has to be confronted with my junk in a tiny contraption, if she doesn’t want to.
     
  17. Drews
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    I forgot from your previous posts that your wife was pregnant so self locking now is probably not something to even consider. Probably the best thing for you to do now is just be understanding and let her know you understand her hormone issues and that you are trying your best to be supportive.
     
  18. Blue00
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    How do you eat an elephant?

    One bite at a time.

    It will take time for her to appreciate your proclivities (if she ever does.) Take things slowly. You confessed having secrets. Is she wondering what other secrets you have? Is she wondering what you expect of her? I can tell you that she won’t want to be a kink dispenser for you (Well maybe on a rare occasion when she want to treat you extra nicely for some reason)

    Step 1 is to learn more about what she wants and likes. You needs and desires are important, but she is not ready to receive all of that yet.

    Focus on what you can do for her. Sounds like she likes back rubs. Can you give them to her without her thinking that you are expecting something in return? Does she like other things (cuddling, acts of service, affirmations, etc) When she is getting what she wants, she will be better able (and more interested) in considering what you want. (But don’t make this an “I did something for you so now you owe” me situation.)

    Step 2 depends on how well step 1 went and what she likes. Is there something she likes that overlaps with your kinks or power play needs?
     
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  19. Shibmo
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    Shibmo New member

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    Thank you, that is some good advice. She isn't very open over her feelings, so even I have trouble to get to know her true desires. Regarding the bedroom it is even harder to get her to talk. Even after all these years I don't truly know what her fantasies are. When I ask about it, she doen't really answer or change the subject.

    Anyway, you are suggesting right that she likes back rubs. Last night I offered to give her a nice massage, and after about half an hour or so, she let me touch her V. She turned around and let me give her oral. It was amazing, as it was months ago that that happened. Horny me came almost just from her sound and movement as she climaxed. We cuddled a bit, and that is were I guess I made a mistake.
    My cock was twitching from excitement, so I begged her to let me cum or to allow me to lock up my cock. She immediatly said "You know I don't like that". She grabbed my cock and within a few seconds I came.

    Afterwards I feel so bad about it. I made it revolve around me again, instead of giving all of the focus to her. Up front I told myself not to force her into anything, and yet I did... Horny thoughts aren't always the best toughts...
     
  20. Blue00
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    Sound familiar. It might be time to do some self learning or to get relationship advice from a professional. Here is what I did, but my situation is not yours and yours may be far different, so read this then don't listen to me. Find what works for you as this is not a roadmap for anyone else but my journey.

    1) I stopped pushing the chastity cage and just made chastity something I did on my own (eventually, she let me wear a cage "as long as I don't see it", but she does expect me to be chaste through my own will power, not hers.)
    2) Instead, I told her I wanted to be a better husband for her. I focused on generic relationship books and advice. I learned about love languages and types of desire (responsive vs spontaneous) I let her catch me reading relationship books in bed. I shared some things I learned about myself without telling her she should do anything herself (not giving her advice, sharing what I learned about me) She asked questions and wanted to learn more herself. The point was that I was working on me and that she was perfect just as she was.
    3) I was patient. Changes may take year to happen. I am just over one year into this, but our communication is much better. I have learned what she likes by watching her and listening to her (listening when we are not in bed or thinking about sex.) Focus on non-sex ways to please her and discovered what pleased her most
    4) We developed ways to communicate that were comfortable for her. Shared journaling, blogging, or even secure texting made a difference (she was afraid someone would see her thoughts or naughty texts.)
    5) I learned to use her own imagination. Instead of telling her things explicitly, I implied things and let her mind wander. This is still difficult for me to do. Instead of saying, "let's go to bed early tonight so I can a then b then c," I would say, "Let's go to bed early so I can spend some time being close to you." Then let her decide how that time will be spent. Afterwards, I always (truthfully) told her how much I e enjoyed what we did (even if it was just talking about our day.) Antything that brought us closer was amazing to me and I told her my appreciation.

    Hope this helps. Again, don't listen to me, but learn what works for the two of you.
     
  21. Drews
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    You started out so well and really went the wrong direction. If it was me, I would buy my wife some flowers and say I am sorry for being selfish. Then try the back rub again in a couple days with nothing else said. Do not mention the cage or ask her to get you off no matter how horney you get. In my opinion you are appearing needy to her and that is the total opposite of how you will ever get her to embrace the cage. I have been there also and it is now time for damage control.
     
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  22. NuderThanNude
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    Shibmo - As I read all of your posts I cannot help but wonder if it is your mother you are talking about and not your wife. Your wife acts like I would expect my mother to act about my kinks and masturbation. I couldn't believe when you said that she started a fight over you're wearing a thong. I wear one all the time and my wife knows it because she washes my clothes. My wife is pretty inhibited regarding sex but she understands that I find thongs more comfortable and that I like that women's underwear offer more fabrics, styles and colors than men's so she is cool with it. She has never stopped me from doing anything as long as there wasn't the possibility I could get hurt.

    You are an individual and have your own needs and desire and I feel you should stop letting her impose her's on you. and dictate what you can and cannot do (as long as you're not cheating on her). If she loved you she would understand and support you regardless if it was 'her thing' or not. She would want what makes you happy.
     
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  23. Lpk77
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    Lpk77 Member

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    this in a nutshell!!


     
  24. Drews
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    Drews Active member

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    Agree about being a nutshell. Especially since this guys wife is pregnant!
     
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  25. Mrloched
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    Mrloched Active member

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    You shouldn't feel guilty for having a sex drive. If your mrs has a much lower libido thats fine and of cause pregnacy has its own issues but that doesnt meen your feelings and don't matter. If you dont address the issue of sex or the lack of, your relationship is going to suffer.

    You said you were both sexualy inexperienced when you got together might that be something to work on ? Does your mrs know what she likes. Does she have any religious issues ? You said you left a letter and then waited for her to go to sleep. Would it be fair to say you can both be a bit shy regarding sex ?
     
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