Serious question

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  1. jdavid
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    jdavid Member

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    OK, I have been thinking about what the roots of this fetish are for some people. I don't know or pretend to have all the answers. Perhaps I have none. But I am wondering if anyone else thinks there is a link, even potentially, between the way one was treated as a child by one's mother, and this type of fetish? Are a lot of the men here products of controlling mothers? Dysfunctional families? Strict mothers? Unloving mothers? Please note I am not being judgmental about any of this, it just is something I wanted to explore with others who also have this fetish. And yes, some of it applies to me.

    I'm interested in your thoughtful responses. Dave.
     
  2. jaimelynn
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    jaimelynn Senior Member

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    Not controlling Mother but controlling three older Sisters, and a gone from home father. My Mother worked evening and dad was and still is an over the road truck driver. As soon as Mom's car left the driveway the Sisters used me as their living Barbie doll. Thus started about the age 5. Now 30 some odd years later, my sister don't even want to talk about it.
     
  3. xcitex2
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    xcitex2 Back from the past!

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    I wish I could help but I have to say none of the above. Mom was fairly reserved and dad was strict. It started for me out of know where. I had a slight inclination of femdom stuff and was intrigued. I thought in my powerful retail position how fun it could be to just let go. then I found this and became even more intrigued. Still not living it in any true 24/7 sense but that does not mean there is not a fantasy world in there somewhere. LOL
     
  4. cockislocked
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    cockislocked Senior Member

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    So tell me, How does that make you feel.....

    Awesome dude.... Freud and co would LOVE that! i would love to blame my Mum for all the money i spend on planes and fast cars.... but i guess i can't, so i am pretty sure that my submission has nothing to do with that, in fact it maybe the opposite. my mum was a pretty disinterested mother, whilst i miss her now she is dead and i was not close to her but i respected her enrormous intellect, she had an IQ at least 10 points north of genius. Basically my entire family is not close so there was little if any controlling over bearing parenting.... so my view is that there is no relationship in the sense of controlling mothers. i would except that there maybe a link in the fact she WAS NOT controlling, so maybe i seek that? But, to be honest, i'm not sure i care a rats crap, i'm well happy and feel great, i don't care why or how i got there, just grateful i am there. Way too many unhappy people in the world!

    As a child i had pretty wide range and had quite a priviledged background and expensive education. i think now i crave boundaries and rules that i didn't have as a kid. So in my case i would have to ask exactly the opposite question.... i.e. do the guys that crave submission and control have too much freedom as a kid? Who knows??? i wouldn't bother asking any shrinks or 'therapists' either.... lets face it, 6 years at med school to work 9 til 5, get paid mega sums and all they say is ' and how does that make you feel??' (sorry to all the shrinks and snake oil salesman, but i have had personal experience, and to a man (and woman) they were all total tossers!! But they did make me laugh a lot!

    Good thread/post,it made me laugh out loud, keep them comming David.
     
  5. Kept4her
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    Kept4her Member

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    My thoughts.

    Actually my wife and I were talking just about this subject the other day. We were talking about how most men, who love their mother, tend to look for a woman with the same traits. We then started talking about the sexual side of it and as I told my wife I felt it was something you don't pick up on of course at first because sex wasn't the reason I met her at first it was her looks. Then I go to know my wife and we clicked. I am one of those men that found a woman with some of the same traits of my mother.

    Now my mother was also loving but very controlling. I find that is what I wanted out of my wife. Love but control. With chastity and FLM/LFA I have gotten that and we joked if my mother was the same way... controlling.
     
  6. jdavid
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    jdavid Member

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    No those are just caused by your small penis.



    Hey! That's great! Enjoy the unexamined life!

    So there is a relationship between these things, then? Why are you so reluctant to discuss it like an adult and choose to poke fun at the question when you seem to be thinking something very similar? Maybe "Denial ain't just a river in Egypt."

    Well, as they say in the Preparation H commercials - '10-4 good buddy'
     
  7. cockislocked
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    cockislocked Senior Member

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    Hi David, i sometimes wish it was smaller, it would hurt less in the damn cage when i get a hard on!!:penisdance:

    unfortunately i am larger than average. i'm not poking fun at the question?? it was awesome and well thought out as i say it made me laugh a lot. i guess that the medium of type does no convey the context of the situtaion.

    What's Preperation H then? Also, why in other threads/post you've started/done have they all been deleted?

    rgds
     
  8. cockislocked
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    cockislocked Senior Member

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    just found this other post



    Okay, here is why I deleted so much. I am struggling with this right now. I do like the fetish, but it seems that it should be something introduced into a relationship once I am in one, "organically" if you will, and not something I should look for at the outset. I am really into nice girls so I have to think that talk about locking my dick up might be a little scary if engaged in too quickly. Mind you, I still have a device, and if and when I can get into it, I will occasionally put it on for a day or two. Oh to have a woman who would make that time period extend a little. I am weak and I have the key!
     
  9. Mistress Watchful
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    Mistress Watchful Dont believe the hype ;oP

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    Calm it down and sort it out....

    It is a great question and obviously everyone will have different opinions, no need for anyone to get snippy though.

    As for parents influencing your sexual nature and orientation I'm not sure, but you'd have to do an awful lot of research or read an awful lot of academic papers to even begin to be able to answer that.

    What we do here is comment on our own personal experiences as to whether or not our parents influenced our life choices. I think jdavid covered that in his opening post - he isn't looking to publish the results, he was just pondering if his personal experience had any similarities to anyone elses.
     
  10. pen3000
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    pen3000 Guy

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    I got similar struggle as cockislocked in many time. I'v been asking myself so many times that why but I don't find the answer. could be something related to the family but I think it could be something suddenly get into your life cycle in some special time during growing up. THen it's a mark to your whole life.
    now I become 2. like light and dark. I am living in light as normal and living in dark with lock. I'm not sure where is future. I hide all the device and fear to be found. but also, I hope someone can find it and with me. But most of all, I really fear someone found and hurt me.
     
  11. PT109
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    PT109 Senior Member

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    I think there are a myriad of ways in which a fetish gets established. There seems to be more variation in human male sexuality than there is in female sexuality. The reason might be that whatever happens he must get hard in order to reproduce. Anything that will make him hard will contribute to his chances of reproducing his genes and also the fetish behavior. Many male children are "abused" by sisters, cousins or mothers who innocently play at dressing them up as dolls. For many men this may have no effect. But what if you happen to get a hard-on during this process. Little kids get woodies from time to time for natural reasons. Later, along comes puberty and he starts to experiment with his mom's clothes. Now he really gets a hard-on. Is there a connection? I think there might have been a connection for me.

    The long and the short of it though is as a specie we need to survive and nature insures this by taking every road imaginable in that direction. A classic example is rape. Men have been raping women since day one. Why? The classic feminist answer is that rape is a crime of assault and represents the male's attempt to subjugate women and keep them in their place. But you can't argue with the fact that men who rape women end up with more off-spring and the process of rape continues because it is selected for (natural selection) due to the fact that it is a successful strategy for reproduction.

    So, we can ask the questions as much as we like: Why am I a sissy? Why do I get sexually excited seeing high heals and nylon stockings? The list is endless for males and includes thousands of possibilities many of which only appeal to a few individuals and others that are more common. End result though is still the same. These fetishes keep us interested in our own sexuality and this helps us to reproduce.

    The great thing is that they are so powerful and capable of causing such unique and enjoyable emotions that most of us don't really care why we are such perverts, we're just damn glad we are!
     
  12. wannabe slave d
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    wannabe slave d Junior Member

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    Good thread, I'm always interested to read about this side of things.

    I started a similar thread on Chastitylifestyle about 3 years ago.
    I probably wouldn't be as frank as this now, it comes across as a bit of a therapy session and my perspective's maybe shifted a bit since, but this pretty much nails it.

    Why do we crave chastity?

    Ok, maybe I'm a little too self analytical but I do wonder where it comes from.

    I can understand how submissive feelings are cultivated during childhood, and in many ways I am a textbook case.

    My mother was very strict, had a frightening temper on her and administered corporal punishment without a second thought (this was the 70's, when this kind of thing was considered quite normal, also her own mother had been even worse, back in the 50's)

    As a result, I was quite a meek and unassertive child.
    My mother, I should add was only 20 when I was born and was a stunningly attractive woman (not that I harboured oedipal [sp?] feelings toward her, but there was something going on beyond my understanding, associating pain and discipline with beautiful, strict women)

    Obviously, with the benefit of hindsight and (thankfully) counselling I overcame the guilt associated with my submissive feelings and have even been able to talk quite openly with my sister about it.
    I found (not surprisingly) that my sister had flirted with being a Dom, visiting fetish clubs with Dom friends and introducing various forms of discipline to her past relationships. However she is now married with a baby and told me recently that this was a passing phase.

    Chastity though is a more specific element of D/s activity and I realise I've already rambled quite a bit, so I'll be brief and possibly add more if anybody else does.

    One theory I did ruminate over is the fact that as a child, my foreskin was too tight. The doctors told my mother that it should be stretched, but as I got older this was somehow forgotten about and I was blissfully unaware of the problems this would bring.

    The first time (age 17) I went to bed with a girl, it was a scary, painful and ultimately unsuccessful experience.

    I wasn't able to fully penetrate her and went home humiliated the next morning, but still told all my friends that I'd 'done the deed'.

    It took me until I was about 22 to finally face my problem and see a doctor, who of course recommended circumcision.

    Thankfully, this is the road I went down, and finally at 23 I lost my virginity.

    I was also cuckolded soon after. I knew about the situation and never met the man in question, but my g/f at the time was older and way more experienced than me. I was basically told that I was useless at sex and shouldn't complain.
    At the time, I'd never heard the pharase 'cuckolding' and it didn't seem the least bit erotic. The relationship ended not too long afterwards.

    I sometimes feel that those lonely, dispiriting years, between 17 and 23 knocked my confidence so much. All my friends were 'sowing their wild oats' and I was hovering on the periphary, unable to join in.

    The idea of not being able or permitted to use my penis must have taken root here.
    When I first read some FemDom magazines, I was excited by most of the content, but I was VERY excited by stories and experiences involving male chastity. This has obviously intensified over the years. (I'm now 39)

    Sorry to ramble so much, maybe some of you would care to give a little background as to how your interest evolved.

    Respectfully,
    slave d.
     
  13. Celtic Queen
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    Celtic Queen Senior Member

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    I'd say there is a central point emerging here - hopefully uncontentious......Submissive men crave control and whether that is because they have experienced it as children and positively associate it or whether they have discovered the security of boundaries with a Domme and realised what they have been lacking, it's obviously a highly subjective thing. That said, I believe that chastity is something else again ( though closely linked). There are submissive men who are not chaste obviously but I can't imagine it works the other way around when man voluntarily gives up the main masculine driver in his life to his KH. That's such a mature intellectual activity that I can't imagine that it would have it's roots in any childhood experience ( could be wrong, not being encumbered by a penis myself).

    Rape is also a connected issue here. It's viewed usually as a crime of control and contempt -more so than a purely sexual act. Bearing in mind that rape is exceedingly rare in any other species, there is obviously something going on in the human that creates this dreadful act. I'd argue against rapists being more successful from an evoluntary perspective ( and thus the behaviour selected for) on the following grounds - offspring flourish in stable societies. Violence upsets this balance massively and hence I would hold the view that societies with healthy balanced males who stick around to be involved in raising their children simply fare better. Matriarchal discipline is absolutely key to this to overcome the worst of the short term, sexually ambivalent male behaviours that wreak havoc, hurt and devastate family unity.

    I put it to you gentlemen then that as submissive males, chaste or otherwise, you're simply more evolved than the rest of the herd.

    I raise my glass ( and my favourite red paddle with the heart in it) to you !!!
     
  14. ChasteBr
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    ChasteBr Chaste Married Male

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    I think that this is a really good point, and something that maybe I have been neglectful in being clear with my KH about. I mean, when I presented this to her, it was about improving our sex life, cutting back (significantly) on the masterbation. But after 4 months, I think I have to agree.. if I wasnt submissive, there is no way I bring this idea up with her, and maybe the only reason I brought it up is because I am submissive.

    Like you said, I dont see a circumstance where this is solely the man's idea, and he is not also submissive. Whereas if the couple is exploring it together, or it is the wifes idea, I could see the man just being a "play along" type.

    What about the other side of the coin though.. I mean could a women bring this idea up and not have a dominant bone in her body?

    As for the childhood issues, my two sense is, that i have been interested in some of these things since I began masterbating and read them in a copy of "variations" that my buddy shoplifted when I was 13 or 14. To me, its the mental side that has always appealed to me, but I cant think of anything in my childhood that would point me in this direction..
     
  15. Mistress Watchful
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    Mistress Watchful Dont believe the hype ;oP

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    I know of one submissive KH over at Fetlife who holds for her Dom!

    An odd dynamic to say the least.

    When I look at my parents I don't see any correlation between them and my sexual preferences.

    I have very early memories of feeling sexual though. One of my most vivid is not wearing underwear under a crochet dress that you could see through and knowing it felt good. I was age 4 or 5. I also knew if I crossed my legs in a certain way I would feel a "pulse" that felt really good.

    On that thought I was obviously quite a sexual person and I don't think my parents did anything that made me more or less so by their attitude and my upbringing.
     
  16. PT109
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    PT109 Senior Member

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    Celtic Queen, what you say about rape makes sense in our modern world, but most of human behavior was fashioned many thousands of years ago under entirely different circumstances. Studies have shown that the leaders of successful conquering armies contributed significantly more to the gene pool than ordinary (less rapacious) men. Even in our time rapists are usually guilty of raping several if not many women before they are captured and dealt with. While it is true that their off-spring are hampered by being unwanted, neglected etc, this probably results in them having less control of their urges and getting young girls pregnant indiscriminately (even if they don't inherit a propensity to rape).

    MistressWatchful, I find it so refreshing that lovely women can openly discuss their sexuality and I'm particularly happy when they admit to just plain being hornier than society expects them to be.
     
  17. MistressJackie
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    MistressJackie Junior Member

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    Sexual Exploration

    Could it be that the current generation is just picking up on the previous generations sexual exploration? Certainly, we can admit that the predominant sexual trends of the 40s and 50s were about suppression of sexual urges. The 60s changed social perspectives of sex and sexual behavior forever because people talked openly about sex for the first time. The 70s embraced alternative sexual lifestyles and we saw the gay lifestyle push the envelopes of sexual exploration so much so that sexual identities and genders became questions we could begin to ask and for some answer. Laws were created and repealed in the States due to the courageous gay men who wanted nothing more than to be treated as equals.

    Decadence in the 80s and a focus on the inner struggle and of course the internet in the 90s have made sex, sexual identities, gender roles, and alternative sex available as virtual home pages. I know I think about sex all the time. And though My particular brand is more of a fringe alternative to the standard social norm, My lifestyle is growing in numbers. CM just reached 10,000 members. I'd say that's a huge movement. Shows like Real Sex present pieces of the alternative sex world to the mainstream public. Porn has reached middle class women everywhere. Mankind (a word I don't particularly like) has always looked for the new and interesting in the search to answer "who am I?". We are innovators, extremists, problem solvers, and SEXUAL BEINGS who want sex and love and relationships on our own terms. I don't think you have to blame it on any one person, especially parents, for sexual evolution. I think people are more honest with themselves about what they want and who they are than any other time in recent history. If anything we should thank our parents for giving us the environment to question societal norms, the courage to make our own way, and the confidence to love ourselves no matter what makes us happy.

    And why were are talking about social norms, why is sexual exploration something that requires blame? I'm very happy in My lifestyle choices. I don't need the whole world's acceptance of My choices. I don't even need My parent's acceptance. I am who I am and I embrace it. you should too.
     
  18. jdavid
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    jdavid Member

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    Okay, okay, sorry I took your post wrong. The preparation H reference was to a commercial they ran back in the 70s where a truck driver was complaining about his hemorrhoids, and when he was told of the benefits of Preparation H he proclaimed "10-4 good buddy." It used to floor me, and I was just a kid at the time. My Dad would be in stitches every time it came on the tv. But I digress!
     
  19. jdavid
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    jdavid Member

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    That is an awesome post. I am beyond feeling guilty about what turns me on, or feeling like I should be judged for it. But, perhaps, the idea that it could be discovered or found out is exciting on some level.

    I know, or at least I think I know, it has roots in my childhood relations with my mother. She was intelligent, fairly attractive, well-dressed, and dominant. But not a good dominant. More a "I cannot control myself and am really egocentric and immature so I want my way"dominant. In case you were wondering, I don't have contact with her. At all. Nor do my other siblings.

    I wouldn't want any of the "bad" in a relationship, though in a bedroom setting, having someone being a little mean, or selfish, or controlling, or denying of my pleasure, is a real turnon!

    I think that there is a connection, however, I don't think it harms anything or anyone to play with chastity devices in a relationship with a woman, or do any of the other things. And I'll fully accept the toast, Mistress!
     
  20. cockislocked
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    cockislocked Senior Member

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    No sweat. No apology needed or sought. Like i said it was a great post and keep them coming. Never had the old arse grapes..,.. Sounds horrific doesn't it??
     
  21. jdavid
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    jdavid Member

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    Outstanding quote!:sex023:
     
  22. jdavid
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    jdavid Member

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    I have to say I am really proud to have started this thread! It's turning out to be very thoughtful and awesome!

    One subject that has come up here is the one of whether a man can be submissive and be into chastity. I think I have some submissiveness in me, but not as much as a lot of other men. For some reason, that makes my humiliation of being in chastity, not being able to get hard, unable to attain sexual satisfaction, and the helplessness of it all the more erotic. Because it forces me into that place. Where I have to be submissive. I feel like a race horse being held back by a rope. It is intoxicating.
     
  23. Mistress Watchful
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    Mistress Watchful Dont believe the hype ;oP

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    Well if we're going off on that tangent then pet and I had a big discussion about that this morning.

    For him chastity is BONDAGE first. It's not about stopping him masturbating, it's not about taking away his manhood, it's about his own private personal 24/7 bondage.

    Then the other parts kick in, he becomes calmer, more focused and wants to serve. He's not naturally submissive (although he's further down that end of the scale than Dom!) and the feeling of bondage helps him to adjust his attitude. If it wasn't a CB he would be equally happy to be restrained in any other way, but a CB is more convenient.
     
  24. ladylionzsissy
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    ladylionzsissy male chastity sissymaid

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    let's see... mom was in poor health as a result of WWII so i took over household duties at a very early age. she was always very nice to me. i'd say that my desire to serve and please comes from that. i knew when i grew up i'd be looking for the same thing.
     
  25. js11756
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    js11756 Senior Member

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    What makes you say that? Asking, not disagreeing!

    If rape is a male having sex with another who does not wish to have sex, then rape is not so uncommon in the animal world.
    Mallard ducks are one example - male ducks chase females in a group and so many 'have there way' that the female duck sometimes does not survive.
    Chimpanzees use sex a a dominance ritual, against other males and females. (they also form hunting parties to attack and murder neighboring groups for their resources).
    Cattle will also rape other male cattle if they can.

    js
     
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