secrets revealed to vanilla wife

Already some very good input by others, that I could do little to improve upon. Two minor things that may help to have in the back of one's mind, before attempting or even considering whether to engage in further conversation:

1) The opening pages and preface from this book, which I purchased and gave to my GF / KH because it was able to help clarify the personal feelings I expressed on the matter:

http://wonder-woman.info/ds/Male Chastity A Guide for Key Holders - Lucy Fairbourne.pdf

You can see that it is trying to establish that the enjoyment of chastity, under her control, gives you a satisfaction that you direct towards her, and not a dissatisfaction *because of* her. Put this way, it is not at all a bad thing.

Exactly why you derive "satisfaction" in being locked up is another topic, possibly unanswerable, but if it exists and is of benefit to both parties, who needs to care? Why bother needing to establish "why"?


2) An alternate way of trying to approach the continual revealing of "secrets": had you made it out to be more of a hobby, even with an intense interest, would there have been so much angst initially (for both of you)?

Example: "Honey, I have to finally admit: I *really* like golf."

You WILL, at some point, need to address the distrust, perceived or real, that you have "earned" by your on-line activities. Brutally short version: successfully explain why those shouldn't be taken as problematic, unsuccessfully explain and throttle back significantly in the interest of marriage maintenance, or unsuccessfully explain and choose between marriage and non-marriage. Obviously, only you can decide what is the top priority.

Best of luck; no question it is not easy.

 

The reply shows just how much thought you have had to put into this action in order to feel you are trying to be as open and honest as you possibly can be in your relationship without throwing it all away for "who knows what". The moment i read your post originally i recognised a story so similar to my own i felt the urge to reply. As you are quite happy to agree to Lockeds statement about being totally honest in reality no-one knows your wife better than you do and in the same way no-one knew how my wife would react as much as i did and the end result reflected what we both see and saw as the best balance of fact and fantasy that could be achieved with minimum distress and friction. I dont troll around porn sites i was never a prolific masturbator however i did have a huge urge to be able to view and discuss the possibility of incorporating some form of "kinky and perverted" my wifes words not mine......fun into our normal sex lives. my wife was adamant that it was weird and only weirdos would consider anything like that normal and she refused to even discuss it, this isnt healthy in a relationship discussion is always best leading to compromise but to her it was a complete no no. i needed an outlet for my fantasy and thankfully i decided rather than feeling isolated and alone to join this site albeit incognito and secretly from her and see if i really was odd or whether like i had imagined there were other "normal" people like me who just happened to share my thoughts on being tied up and loving the idea of being locked in a chastity belt at someones behest. I am so glad i chose to do the second thing and join this site i still come here secretly from my wife even though she has grown with time little by little into more of all the things she originally claimed were weird and into the loving wife she always was but is now more than happy to lock the belt onto me and refuse to remove it for as many days or weeks as she decides is needed to make a point. She is totally able to fully enslave me strap me out on the bed restrained whilst she pleasures herself on the top of me while i lie there hooded and bound, she happily straps me tightly into a leather straitjacket and muzzle and then bends me over and chains me down while she forces into me a large butt plug or dildo and then canes my backside for correcting mistakes i may have inadvertently done before. None of this would originally have been possible to even begin to imagine would be happening judged by her initial reaction to my first outing myself to her and it has only been possible due to my original decision to feed my quest for knowledge on the subjects through this site and other members stories that has allowed me to take things slowly with her and hopefully get her to open up to the potential possibilities in her own time. I have zero doubt in my mind that were she ever to find out about me visiting this or other sites she would shut her mind to everything we now enjoy just to prove her original point she is that strong of mind so i just continue on my path enjoying the benefits but hopefully putting back a little to new members who arrive here in the same inquisitive way i did all those years ago.

 

I totally get @ChasteUncaged's point that CM is a support group or like a visit to a shrink. Most of us, generally, need that. My Miss knows in general way about the existence of a chastity group, she's seen the email notifications on my phone, but hasn't pursued the subject.

 

Thank you for your full reply. I don't have time now to reply, but I will get back a bit later today.

 

This has been an interesting thread. Most of us have a similar version of your story. For us, my wife's initial reaction to the cage was very similar to yours. I clipped this out of your OP.

and also simply finds the devices aesthetically dissatisfying (not to say ugly – she used that word)

I think mine used the word 'gross'. We talked about it for awhile and she agreed to let me try it if she didn't have to look at it. Interestingly enough, she really like wearing the key around her neck. Spin the clock ahead a couple years and I'm generally locked all the time except when she chooses to let me out. Like most of us here, I've collected about 5 different cages. On occasion, when it's time to go back in, I'll ask her which one and she'll answer 'the big metal one, that's not as bad as the others.'

Anyway, last piece of advice..........patience. This takes time and the good news is it seems like you guys have good communication which is really important.

 

First, let me say that I don't take an absolutist position on telling a vanilla spouse. There may be situations where not telling may be the right thing to do.

Having said that, you wrote in your opening post

> I sometimes still can’t believe that I could have had all these incredible experiences with my wife a lot earlier, without all the secrecy and troubled conscience of going behind her back! If I could go back in time and change anything in my life of the past ten years, that would definitely be it.)

My friend, just read what you wrote! If you had been honest earlier, you would have had a much better life.

Take that to heart. Don't go back to lying and hiding. Give your wife a chance to rise to the occasion, just like she rose to the challenge of finding out in the first place. Trust her to do the right thing!

Right now you are hiding out of habit. Just listen to the reasons that you give.

> First of all I didn't think it very probable at all that she'd be OK with it,

Why not? She rose to the challenge of finding your stuff in the first place, a much bigger shock.

> Also, after about 3 months I have the feeling she is now starting to deal better with my absences and is slowly getting more comfortable again, and I would absolutely not want to risk that by opening up a "new" kink-related thing that might bring back up her old fears, insecurities, mistrust etc.

Once again, you are making decisions for her rather than trusting her. You are "managing her."

> Thirdly, even in the tiny chance of her actually being OK with it, she would probably want to know the site, she might look it up (it's not very difficult to find ) and find all sorts of kinky stuff related to chastity that might completely scare her off the idea - not exactly on my agenda

Your agenda, not hers.

> And lastly, she might end up reading my posts herself - how would that make me feel? Well, it's not like I'm sharing any secrets she doesn't know about on here, so I shouldn't have a problem with that, should I? Still I think it would kind of defeat the purpose of this - to me, it would feel a bit like going to a shrink and talking about our relationship while the shrink records our sessions and then plays them back to her. No shrink would ever do that. I hope.

The analogy between CM and a shrink is weak. Shrink sessions are private, CM is public. You just don't trust her reading what you wrote.

Honestly, there are some key moments in a relationship. You are at one of them now. You have the choice between being honest and trusting her, and continuing to hide. Remember what you wrote! You could have had this for years if you had been honest!

 

Or he could have lost everything....................thats the tough situation he has been faced with, nothing is cut and dried there are no absolute right or wrong ways to look at this

 

He's already told her the big news and she reacted really well. Why not trust her?

 

Ultimately he has to decide what is best after all he does know her best, what you say is true and in the end we can never truly know what the outcome will be.

 

One more suggestion from someone else with an extremely vanilla wife that had a very hard time accepting and then actually loving the cage. If she is anything like my wife it is just weird and not normal. I found that when ever she read anything it just got worse. There is a lot of great suggestions but all that I have seen have parts that would terrify my wife. What worked best were long personal honest discussions moving extremely slowly. I also travel extensively for work and usually came home in a bad mood with no desire for sex because of constant habitual jerking off. I shared these thoughts and after some time brought up the cage again. I asked if she could try. She said no several times but finally realized I really wanted to stop jerking off and it was a struggle and the cage was important to me. We tried and it was a slow process. She did tell me she initially thought the cage was to lock my penis from her. There were also many other misconceptions. It all just took a lot of time with open discussions. For me there was not an easy read book that just made it fast and simple. It sounds like you started the dialogue, just continue always putting her feelings first then eventually ask her to try.

 

Absolutely.

 

I wrote something similar above. Seeing another man write this is why CM is in fact like a support group or shrink, I know I'm not alone, that other couples are working through similar issues in their marriages.

 

A point I forgot was you had said your wife does not want to control your penis. That phrase alone was a deal killer with the cage. We discussed how she manages the cage, not chastity device because I do a very poor job of managing my penis and urges. Similar to how I manage the finances. It might not sound like much but with her extremely vanilla demeanor it made a big difference. Be careful with all things you discuss, you know your wife best.

 

I've read the first post but not having much time , I haven't read much of the others yet...

I'd just like to say that to introduce a chastity device if she's not wanting to be "controlling you", then put it a different way:
You want to try one as you want to save yourself for her, it's for when she's not there, not for when she is. That approach may work for you.

 

Here though is offered what I believe is an eccellentbit of reading for those that think that knowing how it works will not spoil the 'magic'.

https://www.reuniting.info/node/4865

I hope if you read it helps...Really helped me when I read it although I was unaware at that the time I needed any help.

but if it does spoil the magic.. I had warned you.

 

Filtee,

WOW! That was some piece of writing on Reuniting. Also pretty amazing that, for as much research as seemed to have been done to create the original posting, there are a handful of equally well-developed replies and/or disagreements.

Just to be clear, I wasn't suggesting that "knowing why" WOULD "spoil the magic", more that it was NOT vitally important to "know why" as long as the "magic" WAS there.

In fact, I would say I didn't "know why" until I read that posting, and there was one line in particular that made a good explanation. But to show how little it matters that I "know", well, I don't even remember the exact line, and it's not all that important for me to find it again!

 

As a kind of vanilla wife, I can tell you it takes a bit to get used to the cage, etc. But talking about it - openly, calmly and paying attention to each other - does help a lot. I told my husband I was interested to try it but I was apprehensive about him focusing on me: I thought he wouldn't be interested in doing things just for me and then it started weighing really hard on me during lovemaking and I started thinking he was watching the clock, waiting for me to crest. Needless to say, it didn't do much good for our relationship. But then we had a long talk about intimacy, opened up to each other and now it's much easier to be close.

I like the look of the cage - it's sleek and neat and I like the feel of it in my hand. And knowing I hold the keys is a massive turn-on too.

 

Mrs Edge had some weird moments with it, too, back when we started; not because of anything that I was doing wrong, just because using such a dynamic changing piece of equipment was new. It took time for her to get comfortable with her own feelings because there were new things happening.

While she always enjoyed me wearing the cage, there were a few different mindset changing times for her, where things just "clicked." She doesn't have much interest in any other kinks, but for some reason this resonates strongly with her. It helps that I've just let her take the lead in where it goes, and while I didn't think it would head into a *permanent* kind of arrangement, we're having such a good time that I'm okay with it.

 

Yes, I found my own feelings about it much more difficult to deal with than the concept itself. Funny how the mind creates strange scenarios and lets them play out at the most inopportune moments.

 

Have you considered asking your wife to let you consult a sex terapist? You could go there alone first with her knowledge, and then, which is usually happening, be invited as a couple. This could be helpful in this phase. It is to be an open!minded professional, carefully selected, that could help a lot. Some of them do advise to use chastity cage like therapist who wrote the book on intimacy (sierra parker, restart intimacy) promoting therapy that includes use of male chastity device .

 

well put!

 

thanks for sharing, my wife is vanilla and not into bdsm at all... I fantasize a bit with her as Domina. May you kiss and lick her feet? (and,..between legs?)