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Rookie Keyholder

Discussion in 'The Pedestal' started by marie84, May 19, 2017.

  1. hey all
    I am a rookie keyholder as per subject title. I am just trying to get some advice on being more assertive and get some advice on a "schedule" or where to begin
    Chastity started May 12, 2017 he wore it for 72 hours working out comfort and me staying assertive and strict with wearing it. Tips would be great xo
    slave_m and ChrisFromMN like this.
  2. To tell the truth, most websites about chastity are fantasies written by single men or women looking to sell you something. Real chastity is not like most websites describe. Here is a good place to learn. https://vanillaedge.wordpress.com/2008/12/19/male-chastity-in-real-life/

    You need to not let him top from the bottom. In other words, you end up doing what he wants you to do and when he wants it. Chastity is not about dominance and submission. It can be as well as part of BDSM, Cuckolding, Sissy play and any fetish where the male is submissive. Chastity can stand on its own rather than be a part or a larger fetish. Chastity in its basic form, as a sex game at least, is about a power exchange where he gives up control of his penis and orgasm to you. Locking up a penis does not magically make him submissive and you a dominatrix. That is fantasy stuff and most guys get into chastity to live their fantasy. Then after the initial excitement and reality of being denied an orgasm, sinks in, they stop.

    72 hours is not enough time for anything. It takes weeks or even months to get used to finding the right adjustment and wearing a chastity device all day and even longer to do so while you sleep too. Most guys, me included want to start off learning how to swim by jumping into the deep end of the pool. That did not last long for me and my wife. It was not until we took baby steps, did it work for us over 4 years now. My wife is still submissive and I am still the alpha male. The difference between us and other married couples is that my wife controls our sex life after 40 years of me controlling it and I wear a chastity cage 24/7. Other than that, our roles outside of the bedroom is as they have always been. My wife is not going to go from submissive to dominant simply because she holds my keys. You certainly can add other elements to chastity as you go along but trying to be both a keyholder and domme only makes it more difficult. .

    Chastity is all about a power exchange of control over his penis, not his life. If he is telling you how to feel, what to do and when to do it, he is topping from the bottom and is the one is control, not you. You need to beware of this since many men will do this because they have a specific fantasy to live. Your job is to make sure that your penis (it does become your penis and he is merely carrying it for you) is healthy and does not orgasm until you allow it. A few tips:

    - always have an emergency key where he can quickly get to it. I have used mine a few times, once right before I was rushed into a hospital for emergency surgery. You simply put a key in an envelope and, sign it at the flap and put a lot of Scotch tape on it so that you can see if he opened it.

    - We can masturbate while locked up in one of several ways so unless he wants chastity, it is not going to work out. You cannot become his warden as that is a lot of work.

    - He asked for chastity so he is not being forced into it or against his will. If he cheats, he is only cheating himself.

    - The best punishment you can give him is to give him the keys back if he does not do what you want. That ends is fantasy so odds are that he will bow to your will.

    - Set aside time to talk about chastity each week. Discuss what works and what does not. After all, it has to be fun for both of you or else it will fail.

    - Your main job is to say no when he says yes. Letting him orgasm whenever he wants to is not chastity. It is something else.

    - Don't make the focus of chastity all about the chastity device. It does not really prevent orgasms. It should be him wanting you to control his orgasms and saying no when he says yes.

    - Take baby steps. It takes months, not hours, to get it all to work and be comfortable.

    When we first started I threw the whole works at my wife. Chastity, female led marriage, D/s, domestic discipline and more. It overwhelmed my wife and gave us too many areas to fail in and not enough time to get them all done right. it was not until we just focused on teasing and denial, did it gel for us. Afterwards we tried some domestic discipline, forced feminization, wife worship and all that other stuff you read in the fantasies written online. We tried them. They were fun for awhile as any new fetish is, but in the long run we dropped all those other fetishes and just do teasing and denial. Locked or not, I still do not masturbate. I can but I have promised not to. I asked for this and to masturbate ruins what I want. Read the webpage above as they are a real chastity couple who are grounded in reality.

    There is an excellent reality based chastity site whose owners have been quoted in articles about chastity. I is not up right now but that can be a temporary condition as hackers like to attack sex related websites. Here is the URL for what it is worth: https://www.malechastityjournal.com/caging-your-man/whats-next/
    Mark Owen and Mash2214 like this.
  3. There's no "right or wrong way" to do this .
    Everyone is different and every relationship is different .
    It's a journey .
    Comunication is the key to it though .

    Did you enjoy the being strict and assertive for 72 hours ?
    Could you keep that up all the time ?
    Over time you both will find out a routine that fits in with your lives .

    When I'm talking to a new sub male who is getting his partner involved I'll tell him not to rush things and "do everything at once" and take time to get used to the new journey and they can both grow together .
  4. Have fun. If it makes you happy, makes you laugh and better still makes you wet, then you are doing it right. There are no rules apart from he only has an orgasm when you say he can.

    One of the best things my Wife and I have done has have a tumblr account where we share ideas of the things we find that turn us on. We have made ours private but you don't have to. We have fun once a week looking at the stuff that has been posted and it has helped my Wife become much more confident with what we are doing.

    She still has moments where she cannot quite believe that somehow I get turned on when she says I am not allowed to cum, but then she says it and sees the affect it has on me.
    manintyres likes this.
  5. I like what @manintyres@manintyres did. He asked questions. I don't really know enough about you and your partner. Tell us more about you so that we can better relate.
  6. Joroincharge

    Joroincharge Lock em up - 24/7/365!!
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    Mar 10, 2009
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    First thing is to decide what you want for yourself from this. And the mindset to tell him you intend to get it.
    Cecilia B likes this.
  7. That chastity journal website has been erased. Chastity is not a very big fetish and many sites dealing with it disappear eventually. Take a look at this. The guide is really free and pretty good. This is the FAQ and will answer some of your questions should you even come back and view your replies. :) http://www.malechastityblog.com/male-chastity-faq/
  8. Hi @marie84@marie84 and welcome to the Mansion. You've gotten some great advice from some very knowledgeable people, but I'll add a specific way to start that worked great for my key holder and me. Play a game. There are tons of good ones out there, just google male chastity games. We downloaded a wheel of fortune type app. One wheel was time. Start small, you can always change it later. The other wheel was daily spin with options like Tease and Denial, Massage for KH, Do Laundry in Panties, Etc. This is a great way to have fun with it. Maybe a game is all it ever is or maybe it grows to something more, but in the meantime have fun with it. For me it was just a game until I went a full week in chastity and then something changed. Enjoy the ride and the Mansion is a great resource.
  9. Thanks everyone for being so informative and welcoming.
    @manintyres@manintyres the first 72 hours I left him at home while I had to work (with a spare key in hiding of course) he was more attentive and accommodating thinking of how he could please me when I got home and while away. The first 72 was also to test out the cage for comfort. Still working out the kinks
    We researched this as a "life style" to try to help me be more assertive and help him be more submissive. Prior it was the other way around.
    I have a hard time sticking on top of the rules and punishments we discussed. Being passive aggressive i easily allow him out to have a full orgasm
    Living Curious and manintyres like this.
  10. @marie84@marie84 sounds like your doing great already ,
    It's still early days and you both "finding your feet" and over time things will change .
    Please don't pressure yourself into thinking "I should be doing this " or "I should be doing that " kind of thing.
    Just have fun exploring this new journey and you will both find what suits you and what your happy with .
    You can always change the rules and punishments whenever you please to suit you and you can only work it out so it won't be hard for you , that will come over time .
    Also regular communication from the pair of you is needed so you can adjust things as you go .
    For example if every morning you pour loads of cuastard and rice pudding over him in the bath (yes an extremely different sample but I hope You get where i'm coming from ) and you finding it hard to do this then tell him that it will be changing and will only happen when you are not tired or you tell him it will only happen on weekends etc when you don't have work .

    We all start somewhere and I love the fact you did research and have emergency key too and like I said it sounds like your doing great so please just relax enjoy this new journey .
    Living Curious likes this.
  11. A point I always see on chastity sites is that the male has to really want this lifestyle and that is absolutely true. My wife does make me wear a device at times and not at others. I have not masturbated or came without her permission in almost a year. From my viewpoint how can I say you now have this authority over me and yet when I am aroused I will just decide take care of it without her permission. It's my responsibility to honor her wishes.

    It has been more of a rush for me during the unlocked times as I have to keep our agreements just because she said. Everyone is different and many people here are into chastity for their own and different reasons but many have something to do with the control you are giving the other person.

    An easy conversation you might have with him is that the level of success you will have in increasing your assertiveness and your authority will be in direct relation to his effort to serve you and honor your wishes regardless of what space you are in. The best part, figuring out what works for you is amazing and has the potential to bring you both incredibly close in a different way. As always, just one guys opinion. Good luck