Hi all - it's been awhile since I've been on here. My wife and I took a break from chastity a couple of months ago because basically I freaked out as she was pursuing relationships with other men. She was doing so at my request but I couldn't handle it. The problem is that even though we stopped all the chastity / femdom / etc stuff, I still fantasize about it all the time. I brought it up to her the other day and she said that she would be happy if I put the device back on but I would need to know it's for real this time and I won't be able to back out. I asked her to explain and she said that she was very hurt by my pulling away all her power and freedom and that there is no way it's happening again. She has told me that if we go forward, I should expect to abide by the rules or she will punish me harshly for any violations. As an aside, she had previously bought a riding crop but has never used it - for whatever reason, I know she really wanted to use it on me before things fell out last round. She also told me that she would want me to start with 3 months in the device so that we both can settle in to our new roles. She read some story on the internet about this and thinks it makes a lot of sense. I think she also realizes that I probably wouldn't be able to take 3 months without orgasm and she will get a chance to discipline me. I'm not sure what to do here. I understand that she doesn't want me to play with her feelings so she is only interested if it's not a game. But I'm not sure I can handle it permanently. Back to the therapist I guess... Thanks for letting me blather on.
Chastity play should be mutually enjoyable, in a mutually agreed upon arrangement. It sounds like she's proposing something you don't like. You need to continue communicating about it. Even Femdom relationships are based on mutual understanding and trust. mikecb
Dear John Your situation is well known to me. Some years ago I met my current wife. I had all those whishes for BDSM and chastity stuff deep inside me and decided to talk about with her. She were an absolute beginner in that stuff and adequate suspected of it. First I teached my desires and she agreed to the role of passive performance. In course of time she loved it more and more. She changed to an active mistress, reaching for her own intentions - which were truely not always my will! I tried to stop it - whether for fear or comfort, I dont know. She made me realize, there are only two ways: In or Out. Useless to explain what "in" and "out" means. Useless to say too: we love each other REALLY! All that stuff`s got nothing to do with love or not love, but I think love must be a part of it if it should succeed. Simply its a connection of sex and lifestyle. So, your possible ways are the same as mine were. In or out. You want your desires get fulfilled, dont you? Then you are a "topping from the bottom", like I once were. Now you tasted the limits of this and you are in fear of that "topping from the top"? I know. Discussing all that stuff, self-determined submission, consensual playing - all that doesnt work anymore if you passed a specific point. Suddenly you have to realize: my cinema of mind becomes more true than I ever wished! Yesterday I dreamed about, today I´m in fear about? Get straight how important your dreams are to you. If they are: DO IT! If they are not: DON`T DO! And here are the good news for you: If you decide to do and later on you cant bear anymore, theres always a way out - you`ve got nothing to loose. If you decide not to do, you will dream on and on and on .... I`m afraid thats no good condition for a happy relationship, especially because you both tasted the prospects. I decided to do it, sometimes I hate this decicion but most time I love it cause I know I would hate it more if I did it not! Sorry for my english - mistress works on it (ouch)
It can take time to build/gain trust in both your D/s partner and in yourself. it's clear that you *want* her to go for it. After all, it's your fantasy and you couldn't stop thinking and fantasizing about wanting the very thing that freaked you out at first. Neither of you can rush the process. It's a two steps forward, one step back thing. Just keep trying again and again a little farther each time and one day some new boundary will disappear and things will "click" a little more firmly into a D/s lifestyle that suits both of you. Speaking for this bitch, I considered myself very seriously submissive when I met MsTreat. Lifestyle. Wanting/fantasizing/looking actively since my teen years. Had two solid D/s relationships before Ma'am, both lasting around a year each. Several vanilla yet kinky relationships where a lot of this bitch's tastes and desires were out in the open. Met my current Ma'am and... met my match, in more ways than one. Like you, this bitch would dive in, then pull back in subtle ways. It's hard to really really let go of all your control and give someone else total power over you (whatever that means for you). Even if you really deeply want that. We're hard-wired (especially most men) to protect ourselves, keep something in reserve, keep a "plan B" in place, etc. So just trust each other, communicate openly, and keep pushing those boundaries and doing the very things that are scary yet desirable. And taking breaks if the intensity gets to you. Just remember it's a two-way street and you have to think about what she needs and wants too.