Ok- quick disclaimer This isn't going to be exclusively about chastity or even a majority about chastity, this will be more about Female-Led-Relationships from the sub's point of view (specifically the relationship that I am in) but will involve chastity to some degree. I do want to start by thanking all the posters here before I go on because reading your posts, seeing your journeys and interacting with you all is part of why I'm writing this. My hope is that by posting it here maybe some other people will see it and use what I may have learned in their own journey. The other reason I'm writing this is for my Mistress to read and track my progress. Love you, Mistress, you're the best! I belong to you now and always! I will refer to her as "Mistress" in this journal. As you may be able to tell from the age of my account, this journal will not begin at the start of the story. We've been together for around 7-8 years depending whether I'm referring to the "official/non-official" start to our relationship. We had many kinks in common and those were the sort of basis for our relationship when it first started, with one of them (possibly even the main one) being chastity. We were play partners, then Domme/sub, we grew feelings for each other, started dating, bought a house together and eventually got married and that brings you more or less up to date. So I'm going to kind of start in the present day (and the past 2 weeks) and explain how I came to be writing this and we'll jump around and come to a point where I can journal my experiences as they happen. Anyway, that's it, that's the intro. Next post we're getting into it.
Let's actually begin with a post that explains where I'm at. We hadn't done chastity in a while despite us having an on/off D/s relationship and I was hungover about 2 weeks ago which caused me to be UNCOMFORTABLY HORNY so I text my Mistress, as good subs should when they've been thinking horny thoughts. With us both being at work we obviously couldn't do much about it so had to wait until I was finished and I came home and told Mistress more about how I felt. She asked what I'd been fantasizing about and I said I'd been thinking a lot about doing chastity again. I felt like I saw her eyes light up at hearing that word and she suggested that if I'm gaming that night, I should put a device on and wear my pink "Slut" collar (see profile pic) while doing so. I said "Yes Mistress!" then excitedly picked out my pink silicone birdlocked device, put it on, put the collar on and even put a buttplug up my butt for the hell of it. I wasn't even asked to do that, I was just so horny I wanted it inside me and figured it would be fun if I'm locked, collared and plugged. Then I went on my computer, played some video games and in between I browsed the CM forums. The past two weeks reading those forums and chatting with people about chastity, D/s and FLRs have helped me to collect my thoughts and explore more of my own views about Female-Led-Relationships and how to have a more successful and enjoyable one for both of our sakes. The above is of course not to say we don't already have a really successful FLR, we have been doing this for 8 years. There's been dry-spells. Breakdowns in communication due to life, stress, mood, and also some things that probably seem quite childish now. Sometimes those breakdowns lasted months with very little D/s or play. But every single time it broke down, we got together, talked openly and honestly and worked things out and tried again. I'm going to leave this post here, it's already way longer than I expected and I still have SO MUCH stuff to cover but I've reached the limit of what I'm going to write tonight so I'll write again soon.
One of the things I've been pondering on is something I'm going to call "Active submission". For too long I've saw our dynamic fade into the background and found out afterwards that we both still want to experience that type of connection, we both just wanted to give each other space because we were unsure whether the other wanted to do it. My new goal is to normalise casual D/s within our relationship outside of actual play. Here's the thing, most people can only play maybe once or twice per week due to time limitations etc. But there are also multiple times per week where we see each other where it may be appropriate to kneel in front of Mistress or something else which I haven't thought of yet. As much as I love being ordered to kneel, I imagine as a Domme it must be nice to be kneeled for without having to ask as well. This reinforces the dynamic for both of us, it's optional so there is no pressure on anybody and there's no wrong time to do it provided we are alone and at home. It doesn't require Mistress to remember to set me a task or order me to do anything etc. I'm calling it active submission because often I'm sitting around hoping we can have some D/s interactions with one another. Instead of doing that I have decided I will take matters into my own hands. My hope is that in regularly initiating D/s protocols, I can get more used to a submissive headspace and feel like that headspace is "home" to me and is also associated with Mistress. I want this to increase my feelings of submissiveness to her so we can delve deeper into our dynamic and I believe more of these small interactions are key. Previously she has complained that sometimes she'll ask me to do something and my headspace isn't quite right so I don't respond how she would have liked. It also puts myself out there for if Mistress does want to play or order me to do something. It's like I'm presenting myself to her to do whatever she wants with me. So while I kneeled in front of her tonight practicing exactly what I'm preaching, we had this honest conversation. We agreed I'd start to write this journal to track my progress, hold me accountable and also to give Mistress a window into my subby mind.
Hey Journal! Yesterday (Friday) Mistress said we'd play. I was horny all day at work and zoning in and out of subspace depending on whether I felt safe to or not- it was quite pleasurable. She sent me a shopping list which I took care of after work then went home. When I come home and cross the threshold of our doorway I've been trying to focus on leaving my outside persona at the door. I experience great pleasure being in a submissive mindset around Mistress and I need to make sure my guard is down and I'm as obedient as possible for her. I could perhaps take a minute or two and make a ritual out of coming home to remind myself I should have a submissive mindset regardless of the stresses or challenges the day has brought me. I find Mistress enjoying a relaxing hot bath. She asks me to pour her a glass of wine and one for myself too. I bring her glass and she tells me to come into the bathroom. I kneel and present her wine. This is a ritual we do regularly when I bring her drinks. It's probably our longest running and most consistent ritual because it's really easy to do. Also at this point I should tell you my cock is locked up in a silicone birdlocked. If you haven't worn a silicone device before let me tell you what the erections in them are like. Equally pleasurable and painful. Coupled with a submissive headspace it makes you quite needy and restless. Kneeling in front of her and seeing her in the bath with bubbles and water dripping off her produced this pleasurable and painful effect. She told me to put my pink slut collar on and wait for her to finish her bath.
She calls me to the bedroom once she is finished with her bath. I top up both our wine glasses and she orders me to strip down to just my blue transparent pants. Yes, you can see the device through them, we didn't think about that when we bought those pants but we both like that about them. Mistress is wearing her black, semi-shiny "Strict Dommely Domme" polo style top which I like, it makes her look powerful and authoritative and when it's unbuttoned I can see the bit in the middle where her boobs connect. It was unbuttoned and I enjoy looking there. When stripped I am order to kneel in front of her on the bed. She presses her bare foot on the silicone cock cage I'm wearing and we talk about each of our days. She has me confess I've been a horny needy slut all day and seems delighted to hear that response. She says teasingly "good, that's where I want you. And you're going to be that way for me all weekend" as she presses harder with her foot on the device. The combination of those words and the forceful/dominating action make me feel dumb with pleasure. She removes her foot and tells me to lie back on the bed. Her hands begin exploring my body. My body and mind are so stimulated I just give in to that feeling and let myself feel how she wants me to. I thrash, I sigh, I let out some slutty moans, letting my mind go blank and enjoying this teasing. Her hands are on the chastity device squeezing it as she watches and feeds off of my reactions. She puts her hand around my neck and tells me "you're not getting out of the device tonight, I'm enjoying having you locked up for me. On Sunday we'll play properly but tonight you'll just have to stay horny and needy". She puts her fingers in my mouth and orders me to suck. I love this, it's so degrading! If I can't get any actual sexual contact this is one of the next best things. I think Mistress doing things to my mouth is one of the major portals to going deeper into my sub space. It's a little messy, I end up with my saliva smeared over my lips to make my mouth nice and wet. It does really work me up and brings out the slut in me. I was then ordered to put on my kinky black shiny zip-up top with metal buckles on it, but not allowed to wear any trousers or bottoms. She wants to see my cock locked up through those transparent blue pants as I serve her dinner/drinks tonight. We then relax downstairs in front of the TV and caught up on the latest episode of "The Power" on amazon. If you aren't aware, it's a show about Women spontaneously getting the power to discharge electricity from their bodies, thus upsetting the power balance between men and Women in society. I joked that it's the perfect show to watch for a man locked in a chastity device. On a philosophical note, I know it's not the point of the show, but I sometimes wonder what it would be like to live in a matriarchy. I think despite the obvious drawbacks, someone like me would be more accepted in that type of society, which would be nice. At any rate, Mistress accepts who I am and I accept her and that's all that really matters. Anyway the night progresses, I make us dinner and we watch a movie. I serve her drinks, give her back rubs, she gives me very teasing leg and device rubs to keep me swelling in the cage. I keep feeling compelled to kneel as I serve her drinks/snacks. I do it maybe once or twice and she rewards me with a kiss and a hand on my neck. I like experiencing more dominance/roughness as a reward for being submissive. Floods me with pleasure and positively reinforces that submissive act. Thus leading me to feel the compulsion to do it again and again and going ever deeper into that submissive role/headspace. Mentally and physically it's been a really fun night, but also exhausting and I'm already starting to feel drowsy at 9:30pm. We go to bed and I get teased a little more with Mistress's hands rubbing over my body. Which is also fun when you're drowsy. My mind wants to sleep but a certain part of my body is very wakeful! We negotiate the terms of my chastity a little bit since we've been very much playing it by ear. Some people might not like negotiating while the sub is in a submissive headspace. I actually like it very much. I have a bit of a CNC kink and that kind of scratches it for me. Being in a very horny, vulnerable, suggestible and submissive state while agreeing to the terms that she sets for me is very hot to me. Plus if the point is to build a relationship where the sub feels submissive to the Domme by default, this feels like how it should be. If she sets any terms that I believe are too far out of my comfort zone or I feel could be dangerous for me/us, I always feel capable of expressing that. Our safety and the strength of both our vanilla and D/s relationship are my priorities. She says for now I'll have Mondays out of the device for comfort/healing. Aside from that I'll be locked up all the time except for any time she wants me out. I trust her to make those judgements and accept it's my responsibility to let her know if I'm experiencing discomfort with the device which is to be expected since I'm still getting used to wearing it again. We go to sleep and I'm still horny and needy but also happy, excited and content!
Shorter update this time, Journal. Watched a movie with Mistress on the couch last night, I was unlocked for comfort and healing. She teased me by rubbing my cock, caressing my neck and whispering in my ear. Even now, it gives me shivers just thinking about her talking into my ear like that. I was like putty in the palm of her hand. Mistress gave me a choice. "You can cum right now if you want to. Then we can calm down and bring things back up as the week goes on... or, you could not cum and I could keep teasing you today, and tomorrow, and Monday and every day this week, keeping you horny for me all week?" Well, long story short I chose not to cum. I actively chose to be tormented more because I love this feeling and making it go away, even if only for a short time, is the last thing I want right now. I want to go deeper into this feeling and intensify my feelings of submission to Mistress, so for now I'll delay that immediate intense gratification. I'm really horny but also very sure I made the right decision for the long term- even if short term things will be difficult for me...
Quick update, Journal. We had a chill out day yesterday where we talked a little bit about how things are going, which I'm very happy with. We didn't get to full on play but we did stay in D/s roles whenever we were around each other. That alone made me feel and appreciate our special connection. I ordered a new "house collar" that's more appropriate for casual situations. I was allowed to choose it, including the colour. I'll post a pic when I get it. I think allowing the sub to choose is a great way to do collars because it encourages the sub to develop a strong emotional connection to the object and to "like" the object. This in turn makes me feel excited to wear it and in doing so become comfortable with the reinforcement of my role within the dynamic that regularly wearing a collar can bring. I just thought that was an interesting thought, so I wanted to share it. Tomorrow I'm due to put the chastity device back on. I've not had a release for over a week now and it makes me feel rather vulnerable and needy. Until next time, Journal!
I'm locked back up again today. Doing so seemed to give me a swift boost to my mental horniness. We're going on a date later, which is something I always enjoy being locked up for. To anyone we'll look like a normal couple, but we will both be very aware of our little secret. Me because my cock is locked up and Mistress because she is wearing the key around her neck. I sometimes see her fondling the key like it's a prized posession. I think Mistress seems to delight in receiving my submission as much as I delight in receiving her Dominance. I remember lying with my head in her lap some time recently. I sit up momentarily to check something. Once I'm done she gently but firmly puts her hand on the side of my head and guides me back down to her lap, where she wants me to be. This was just a moment where a small expression of D/s added some extra colour to our interactions. I feel since we renewed our committment to D/s our days have been filled with small interactions like that which send me to a very happy place and I hope Mistress feels the same way.
I got delivery of a cheap aliexpress chastity belt last night. I got it as an experiment to see if I like full belts. I spent some time getting it fitted properly to my body while splitting a bottle of wine with Mistress. Mistress watched me strap myself into this belt and said multiple times it really turned her on seeing me like this. It really turned me on hearing that. We relaxed for a bit with me chilling in the new belt and had a few more wines. Mistress said "you know if this belt fits and works well, I'm totally going to be taking advantage of you and making you my slave, right?" Another thought that was really arousing to me but also kind of scared me. She was definitely a little drunk when she said that and didn't mean to scare me and was probably more just trying to turn me on. When I think about the word slave, I think about someone doing hard manual labour for nothing in return for someone who doesn't care much for their wellbeing. While I'm keen to go deeper into our Domme/sub roles, that word still scares me and brings back past fears. I worry that as more power transfers, Mistress could become neglectful and that the relationship could start to feel one-sided for me. This has been part of the problem with us doing chastity before, sometimes we just withdraw into ourselves and stop interacting with each other. I'm still being given orders and expected to hold up my side of the relationship, but I feel like she isn't caring about how I feel. I hide it initially and power on because I know no one can be at their best all of the time. I withdraw because I'm starting to feel run into the ground and I'm not even getting that fun subby headspace that I enjoy any more and Mistress withdraws because she's not in the mood due to not having the energy or not feeling well or because she notices I'm becoming a bit dejected. It's not about orgasms, I'm actually fine to give up control of that, it's more about the attention and the headspace which is what is most important to me in life. If I'm not getting enough of that, then I won't see it as worth it for me to give up that control and I'll pull away to protect myself and it'll all break down again. These are just some concerns I have floating about in my head right now that were triggered by a comment that was intended to be fairly innocuous. It annoys me because I want to be the best sub for her and to do that I need to submit without reservations and give her control. But I do have some uncomfortable worries which break my headspace on their own because I feel like I'm being selfish for having them.
@Kiye I have really enjoyed reading this because you are very articulate and it offers great insight into your thoughts. I look forward to more in the future.
Hey Journal. Been a week since my last entry. At the time I wrote the previous entry, I was quite overwhelmed and emotional. This week I've not had any subby headspace. Been going through the motions but not really feeling anything. I'd say we've been at about 20% protocol since last week. After a bit of an outpouring on my part, we agreed that I would give myself an orgasm since it had been clearly affecting my mental state too much. Mistress still wasn't feeling up to doing any play and honestly I wouldn't want to feel like I had forced the issue anyway so I just took care of it and gave myself a quick but enjoyable orgasm. I feel better and calmer but the whole thing broke my headspace and that doesn't come back immediately. When my headspace breaks, the whole D/s thing just stops feeling real to me. Without the headspace I get zero joy from it because I feel like I'm just going through the motions with no feelings. I definitely feel Mistress could Domme me a bit harder to jumpstart me into a more enjoyable headspace when I'm not really feeling very subby. At the moment I've really not been getting Domme vibes at all from her. I realise part of this is due to not feeling well and I just need to be patient but I've seen this happen a lot of times now. Anyway... I want to get my new belt sized properly for general wear so that's still ongoing- I've just been a bit wiped this week. I also got my new house collar, which I've been wearing in the evening when I come home. I really like it! I'll upload a picture, I'm planning to make the new collar my profile picture.
Yes, he writes very well, so many feelings at so many different levels…the power held by his mistress is unlimited it seems, but I must ask, would you be my key holder?
Using someone else's thread to ask that sort of thing is very rude and clearly you didn't read my status update or profile because I don't hold keys.
We talked last week and I think I may have overshared a bit and need to calm down a bit and just say something when the horny-ness is starting to become intolerable. Could be a good time to start to bring back meditation so I can calm my mind a bit when I start to get a bit energetic. It's a new week and I'm back locked (old device, still haven't sized up the new one properly yet). Mistress appears to be feeling a little better now. I like that instant subby feeling of putting the device on. I don't always get it and I don't exactly ritualise the experience in my mind, but it felt enjoyable today. Maybe because I knew it hasn't been too long this time? And that our dynamic feels fairly continuous? As I said, we've been at around 20% protocol past week or so but the transition between that and being locked again feels quite effortless and there wasn't much of a delay this time. I just need to make sure I manage my own expectations, but it makes me happy that Mistress suggested locking me back up again. Reassures me that she still wants this. Wearing my collar helps me slip back into that mindset better too, but I can feel pretty casual with it on. I was pretty lax with wearing it at the weekend, but I am liking that it's a regular accessory around the house.
Hey Journal! We've been doing well this week. My memory is a little fuzzy due to a killer hangover, but I'll do my best to journal this. I was locked Monday to Wednesday but we've been talking about changing my chastity terms so that I'm free every night then I can clean and moisturize in the morning before locking back up when I am getting dressed. I like this idea because I don't want it to interfere with my sleep. When I don't sleep well I get grumpy, so this would be a solution to that. We've been busy but very touchy feely with each other this week. I've been giving Mistress some back rubs and playing with her hair, she's been playfully groping/spanking my butt, putting her hands on my neck, ordering me to my knees and generally giving me those sweet, sweet subby feelings. Mistress played with me a few nights ago. We started slow, just some long, teasing kisses in bed. Occasionally Mistress would get aggressive and grab my hair or my neck- I love this! Then Mistress cuffed my hands behind my back with metal cuffs and linked them with a metal chain. Mistress then wrapped my eyes with pink bondage tape so I couldn't see. Mistress placed a foam pad on the floor at the edge of the bed and then ordered me to kneel in front of her, helping me find the pad since I couldn't see or balance very well in my current predicament. She then grabs my head and guides it to her clit and orders me to get to work. I begin to lick and suck while Mistress moans with pleasure. "This is your place, slut. You are my fucktoy and you exist only to pleasure me. My pleasure is your pleasure." she says. This way of being spoken to drives me crazy, it's incredibly hot and affirming as a submissive to be told your place in this way. It's especially potent being spoken to this way while blindfolded and bound on your knees with your mouth full of her warm, soft and wet clit. All that mattered in the world in that moment was giving Mistress sexual pleasure in any way that she wanted me to. I make her cum and she lays back, enjoying the orgasm. In the afterglow, Mistress loosens my bindings slightly so I can bring a hand round the front and touch my cock, which is still hard. "I want you to get yourself up to a 9". We use a scale from 1 to 10 for my orgasm readiness. 1 being not close to cumming at all and 9 being just a few good strokes away from cumming. I do as I'm told, stroking my cock while kneeling and blindfolded, it feels so good and I'm very horny from what we just did. I briefly edge and indicate to Mistress that I'm close to cumming. "When I tell you to, you're going to cum all over my feet and lick up every last drop, slut." She says and then removes the bondage tape from my head so I can see her naked feet in front of my cock. This is the first time we've done this particular act. I'm so horny at this point I can't wait to cum all over her feet and lick it off. Mistress then orders me to cum and I immediately shoot a thick load across her feet, enjoying the orgasm and squeezing out every last drop. Then without hesitation I lower my head to her feet and begin to lick it up. I notice Mistress seems to be really enjoying watching and feeling me lick her feet clean. She assertively pushes her feet in my face, wiping the cum on me while I continue to lick. Satisfied that I'd licked it all up, Mistress orders me to get a wet towel to wash her feet. I come back, kneel and wash and dry her feet. I really liked this aftercare part, some people wonder why they stop feeling submissive after orgasm and it's really just because all protocol is being dropped. I think having a simple activity like this occur immediately or soon after play keeps the submissive in their role and makes the D/s dynamic feel much more natural and authentic. Afterwards we cuddled for a while and had a nice chat about what we did, then went to sleep happy and content.
It's been a good week, I've had fun. Mistress has been extra good at making me feel subby this week. Every now and then we'll have an interaction where I'll be ordered to my knees to kiss her feet or so she can kiss me while holding onto my collar or neck. When I brought her morning coffee the other day she surprised me where instead of me saying "I belong to you, Mistress" she ordered me to my knees and instead said "you belong to me". I like saying this to Mistress every morning, it's almost like a mantra and I do feel it has an effect on me. But when she says these things to me it makes me feel accepted and affirmed. I like these gestures, to me they're expressions of dominance that remind me of my place within the relationship. I also find them rather affectionate, and they're something thay I think makes our relationship feel really special to me. I hope they also help Mistress to feel powerful in the same way it makes me feel submissive. I certainly feel the increase in these gestures are a sign of her growing in confidence. Confidence in her role as Mistress, confidence in the D/s side of our relationship, confidence in me etc.