Question for Chaste Males re: Rewards

in my case, MsLGG, it's my bliss to earn a reward through good service and behavior to my Mistress and to whomever She loans me to when i am rewarded i feel so really good inside because i know i worked very hard to earn it. i know i would feel embarassed if i was rewarded for no reason and would even feel guilty if i knew my performance wasn't up to par.

 

Earning Rewards or ?

Thank you, what great questions.
1. Is it important to you to feel as though you've earned your rewards, whatever they may be?
For myself, and I would venture to say, for most men, being rewarded for good behavior or doing something productive is very important. It shows that the rewarder appreciated what was done and the person doing it. A reward can be a simple thank you with a smile.

2. How does it make you feel when you've earned a reward?
I feel great when I have earned a reward because I know my Majesty was pleased with me, and that's what I live for, to please Majesty.

3.How do you feel when you get a treat without having worked for it?
I like treats, I think everyone does, but it is important to know that I am getting a treat and not being rewarded for something. I am sure Majesty wouldn't give me a "treat" unless she was happy with me, which means it is still like a reward for good behavior.

Unfortunately men's brains do work differently than women. We are a lot like children and need boundaries and limitations, along with consequences and rewards. I am sure there will be some who disagree with that statement, but one only needs to look at life and see that it is full of consequences and rewards. I am so much happier now that my wife has taken control, set rules and boundaries, and follows through with consequences for wrong behavior and rewards for good behavior.

 

It depends a great deal what you mean by "reward." If you mostly mean "orgasm" then for me, I would very much want to feel I have earned it. I might not know when, or how, but I want to feel the why.

Of course, ultimately I have given over my cock to my Princess and her whims, so if she wants to give my an orgasm because she feels like it, that is fine. We don't set a timeline or have any kind of formal arrangment, so you could say it will be a surprise to me when it does happen. But generally I like it when that moment is significant to me.

In regards to non-orgasm rewards, I love surprises...

But some people definitely want structure. With a locked up cock I can tell you a man gets very senstive to his psychological needs pretty fast.

 

A Maxim to Live By

LGG: in my experience, that which is unattainable or nigh unattainable is the most desirable. i have known many Women who think that by the third date, they must "put out." i have known others who figure the sooner they offer sex to someone they like (please note i did not mention "love,") the better.

Then they come to me and ask why it is that he's not paying adequate attention to Her.

Well the solution is pretty simple. In the context of a totally vanilla relationship -- where a Woman defers, as society seems to teach, to a man -- when She gives in and gives him a reward too soon, he does not appreciate it, he does not honor it and he does not tend to even remember it was bestowed on him by Her. my advice is always, "Hold out!" When he is pretty nigh crazy about You, obsessing about how beautiful You are and dying to see 1/4" more skin than You have ever shown him, reluctantly show him 1/8th. The result: Because of the hold-out, he'll be very, very thankful and remember that tiny gift for the rest of his life.

i'll say it again: That which is unattainable is the most desirable.

So be generous -- with Your precious time. With a smile at his joke (assuming he has a sense of humor). With compliments on how he is dressed (provided he is not a slob and he compliments you). Always allow him -- nay! expect him to pick up the tab. And be appropriately unattainable.

As to rewards, they should be cultivated, built up, exaggerated and, since You are so generously awarding them and, since You are granting him an audience with that reward, they should be extra special -- and appropriately rare. After all, You are!

 

LGG, oh my, such a complicated subject, with so many conflicting ideas! Let me see if I can spew my point of view, which may vary from other guys.

First, as background, I have a lifelong interest in chastity, and own a few devices, but my wife has approximately zero libido, and no interest in chastity play, so much of this for me is fantasy rather than reality.

For me, being locked in a chastity device by my mate would be a delight. However, I WOULD require some attention or acknowledgement of my predicament. Whether that be through teasing, denial, or just being ordered to service my wife without gratification of my own. All of that is a tremendous turn-on. Conversely, being locked up for weeks or months with no stimulation or sexual play is not what it's about for me. As I say in my signature, I want chastity, not celibacy. There are chastity wearers who basically want their sexuality "hidden away" by a chastity device. I'm not one of those! hehe. For me, wearing a chastity device is like protracted foreplay. Wearing a chastity device is about sex as much as it is about denial, if not more so. It's an immense turn-on.

You mentioned sexual contact without orgasm. For me, there is a difference between sexual (but non-orgasmic) contact that is intended as a "reward" versus a "tease". There have been times when, outside of a chastity context, my wife got all my motor a'running, and then just stopped. For her, this was an intimate sharing of sexual contact. It was supposed to be a nice interlude, perhaps even a reward or something. I wasn't prepared for that. For me, it was "leading me on", and "being a cock tease". In the context at the time, she was simply trying to do something nice, which I liked (which I did VERY much), but I had no idea she was going to slam on the brakes. That, frankly, pissed me off. I think most men, in a non-DS situation, find that kind of "foreplay without conclusion" to be extremely frustrating, if they're not expecting it to stop.

Now, that said, doing that exact same thing when there was a chastity arrangement between us would be TREMENDOUSLY erotic to me. The idea of being locked up, but not knowing whether "this time" she was going to let me out, or just get me all hot and bothered again is really hot. I think the difference is that in the first context, we were equals, and she slammed on the brakes. In the second context, I'm clearly the submissive, and she's calling the shots.

Does that make sense?

I think teasing and non-orgasmic contact when a guy is locked up is wonderful, but not necessarily a reward. If anything, it probably makes his stay in the chastity device MORE challenging. That's both a pro and a con! hehe. If he's wearing the device for the titillation and submissive aspects, when you tease him like that, the chastity experience is awesome. It really rubs my submissive buttons, that's for sure. In fact, I think it would be a requisite for me to want to engage in a long term chastity arrangement.

On another topic, some people have philosophies about "training" a man in a CB. I think some men dream about punishments and rewards while being in a chastity belt as a means of behavior modification. I think a lot of guys want their KH to be more like a mother than a lover. They want strict rules. They want to test the rules and be a pain in the ass, and then they want to be punished for it. That seems like a lot of work for the KH. It's not a role I'd find enjoyable, so I doubt my Domme would either! lol.

I think it's great you're trying to understand the male psyche, and how you could be a great KH. I guess I'd encourage you to remember that a lot of potential wearers out there will want you to "mother" them. If you're not up for that kind of effort, you may want to set your guidelines early and often. I think a lot of Dommes here at the mansion have expressed frustrations at how much work it was to keep their man locked up. I think you need to set goals for how YOU want to act as a KH, and make it clear how that experience would be for your potential wearer. Don't let them Top from the bottom and force you into a role that's not fun for you. That shouldn't be the point.

I hope that helps!
mikecb

 

I don't really think in terms of "rewards". As a lifestyle submissive I am perfectly happy to serve her every day in every way with little or now sexual satisfaction for myself. A reward for me would be something like a ruined or partial orgasm or a milking, arbitrary punishment and prolonged oral service provided by me to her. Subspace is like outer space, it goes on for ever.

If you are training someone to be submissive to you, you might want to think in terms of associating things you like to have done to or for you with extended periods of sexual excitement for him (without any release). Sexual release for your sub can be random and incomplete. The sexual excitement for him can be conditioned to equal complete service to you. This is not something you should feel guilty about because the amount of excitement for him eventually becomes much greater and more important than a mere orgasm. Males ejaculate in a few seconds and then their ardor is gone. Unrequited sexual excitement on the other hand is limitless. The beauty is that you as his Mistress can have a devoted servant while he remains in permanent ecstasy.

 

Excellent post Mike and CBTOK

Nope, it makes no sense to us ladies why the negative connotations of "cock teasing" should suddenly become so desireable when a man is locked into chastity - which is why so much communication is needed for D/s / chastity to work but I think you explain with great clarity from the male perspective. I'd also really agree with your point that it does take more hard work to Domme successfully than a newcomer would ever imagine. From a Female point of view, it isn't just about getting your dishes washed and more help with the housework. It takes creativity, thought, planning and wholly unexpected levels of self knowledge to understand what your man is going through and how to love him in a different way. I'd say that since we have been practicising chastity, I have discovered more about the male psyche than I ever imagined - and I had considered myself to be a pretty "sussed" type of person beforehand!! That said, both my hub and I have been on an extraordinary journey and agree that had we discovered this way of life earlier (he a submissive, I as a Domme) perhaps we would have led very different lives.

 

great post and some really great replies as usual. For my part i think the difference is that if my wife has me locked and gets all erotic and teases me until i am really frustrated but then stops suddenly, the reason i dont complain then is that in my mind the game is continuing with me still in a predicament. Whereas if i am unlocked and she did the same thing i would feel totally pissed as the game would have stopped there and then for all intents and purpose leaving me horny and although able to possibly relieve myself feeling like that was the end of it again.

 

> it makes no sense to us ladies why the negative connotations of "cock teasing" should suddenly become so desireable when a man is locked into chastity?

For me, this is very stimulating/frustrating. My cock tries to go hard, it pushes against the tube. It works its way into a frenzy trying and failing to get hard. Blood is pumping from our bodies into our cocks. It is making us light headed. Trying and trying but the frustration cos it cant get hard. The feeling of total defeat because of this failure. Our penis has been defeated. Our maleness has been defeated by the woman who is teasing us. We are helpless.

I often wonder about why I am into chastity.
1) I love playing with my cock and using it.
2) I also love femdom and chastity is for me the essential part of being dommed. You cant be more dommed than losing your sex organ.
There is a conflict here. And when the lock clicks, I realise the conflict. I know that 1) is no longer possible.
Everytime I think oh my god why? why? why? now I cant get erections or cum.

Does that make sense?

 

Miss LGG,

a very interesting thread indeed. i find myself in a unique position here identifying myself as female still in a male skeleton. Chastity to me is an extension of my submission. it has nothing to do with sex, but the transfer of power and control. i remain chaste now through self control and have written about it on my blog. it is far different from releasing that control to another and willingly wear a device that physically prevents sexual release. To freely submit control of that most intimate of pleasures is mind altering and so refreshing. i have the advantage of seeing both sides of the fence and do not personally desire sexual release. It is not important to me and much prefer flowers or trinkets in the form of reward.

This does not mean that there have not been moments of weakness when i wished to take matters into my own hands so to speak. i have been able to resist, but not always immediately. In those moments i have found that i have lost my focus and my only concern was my own self pleasure. It is the thought of the disappointment i would feel if i gave in and finished that have turned me back away from it. On the other hand, in that moment if i were to feel down there and grasp only the hard protective shell that she holds the key to, my thoughts are immediately brought in line to focus on Her. It is an extension of Your control and the willing submission of he who has freely given the key. A power exchange that is hard for those who have not experienced to grasp.

just my two cents worth

cynthia

 

I think some of the distinction is just about the difference between the typical masculine and feminine psyche. I say "typical" because there are many, especially here, whose sexuality identifies across gender boundaries. I think I identify as a pretty standard male. I love a good hug or kiss. However, if it gets much beyond a chaste hug or kiss, it starts turning into foreplay. Once my brain is in "foreplay" mode, anything short of sex is frustrating. There's a sort if immediacy and practicality to it. My reptile brain has this attitude of "Why would I do foreplay if I'm not having sex? That makes no sense!"

My experience with women would suggest that this "foreplay without sex" is a sort of bonding experience that makes them feel closer to their partner. While my higher brain "gets" that, my reptile brain has no interest! lol. I think this kind of light sexual activity gets men's reptile brain fired up a lot more quickly than most women's. I would imagine this difference is related to the unfortunately high incidence of rape in our culture. Men don't understand that an activity that a woman intends to simply make them feel closer is not an invitation to immediate sex. Their reptile brains are running the show a little too much.

So, in answer to your question, if we were making out, and a woman stroked my cock through my trousers, I'd be in full "reptile brain" mode. lol. NOT having sex after that would be both frustrating and confusing until I got my wits about me.

mikecb

 

men don't have a higher sex drive than Women. That is an erroneous assumption.

Women come into a higher sex drive after their brains start functioning as adult brains. men peak in adolescence, before their brains are adult. Once they reach adulthood, they're on a long, gentle slide.

Women can harness that with Chastity and use erotic frustration to cause men to perform better for them as they (the Women) reach their sexual peak.

Then, with a properly-trained male, the Woman can extend Her enjoyment and Her peak to better suit Her lifestyle and the differences in sexual energy between the genders.

 

chastity

very interesting reading these posts

 

You are welcome.

Women are focused on achieving orgasm as much as men, but as they may have multiples, for men, i think it's like the onset of an epileptic siezure, best described by Dostoyevski (or, perhaps in the New Testiment Acts, where Saul was struck down on the Road to Damascus by a lightning bolt out of a clear blue sky).

When you have epilepsy, the onset is singular -- a touching of the divine. men cannot extend that sensation.

Women, on the other hand, have the capacity that neither Fydor Dostoyevski nor Saul had. Since men just get one, achieving those peaks become Really Important.

This is why Women need to create the right ratio between theirs and men's. And that redirects the focus quite nicely to where the capacity is greater.

 

I have to say that I don't really think that you can generalise this and this is just one of the huge gender divides that requires a lot of communication on both sides for couples to understand each other. It isn't my view that women are as focused on men when it comes to orgasm and I also disagree that female sex drive can be understood in male terms. Here's the simple point - female orgasm is unnecessary and current science cant actually explain - coherently - why it exists at all. I have lots of female friends who are non orgasmic (let alone multi orgasmic) and it doesn't diminish their sex drive because that's not the main driver for sex for them. My hub and I have had lengthy discussions about this so that we can get each others' point of view and build our relationship accordingly. Orgasm for me is great but emotional warmth and love would trump it every time if I had to choose. The restriction of orgasm (or supply) certainly would not drive my behaviour and I don't feel I'm in anyway unusual in that. This is in direct contrast to the male.

Women's sexuality is affected by so many factors other than the "mechanics of sex". Male lovers / subs could be the most skillful lovers in the world but women need security, warmth, reassurance and a host of other relationships facets to remain interested in sex. Men on the other hand will remain in crap, unsatisfactory relationships if regular sex is on offer. I myself remained happily celibate for a number of years before meeting my husband rather than waste energy in so-so relationships.

I have said this in a few posts (and in my blog) that women can never really experience the connection that men have with their cocks and orgasm - there simply is no female equivalent. To my mind, emotionally healthy, happy women would never wreck their lives with meaningless one night stands or visits to pros. Male sexuality has been likened to being chained to a maniac - chastity allows some control over that for men. This must be like allowing them emotional and intellectual freedom which is instinctively counterintuitive to the female mind and I imagine that's why there are so many reluctant female key holders out there and wives who will not entertain it. I love my hub very much and to see him so much happier since being chaste makes me happy too. I wish there was some non judgemental way of letting all guys experience chastity early on and allow them to make a choice. They could be as free as us ladies then

As an interesting and perhaps contentious footnote (again - my view so take from it what you will) :- the demographic using this site is going to be much more sexually adventurous and the womenfolk perhaps a bit more, well, liberated as to their sexuality. Their views and experience are perhaps going to be less reflective of the vast majority of women being asked to key hold or play with FemDomme. If you want proof this, go out there onto the health forums etc and search on chastity and you will see the repulsion and negativity displayed when this topic is discussed. It really is quite obvious and a bit depressing when I consider how happy it makes my man.

 

A reward should be a surprise

we shouldn't be in search of reward as the reward comes every day and being with my Mistress. It's an honor to serve Her and be with Her. Anything in the form of a reward is wonderful and cherished.

 

This conversation went where they all go eventually, we are all similar but each with unique needs. We want to generalize so we can get our heads wrapped around different lifetyles. Unfortunately as we dig deeper in to our generalizations we eventually reach the point where each relationship is unique to that couple. It may be similar to others in the lifestyle but certainly the value each gets from the relationship is unique.

When I generalize, I call it the 10% rule. Whatever you can think of, about 10% of the world's population does it or is afflicted with it. 10% of men are likely gay. 10% of women are likely sadists. 10% of men have an erection less than 4 inches. etc. (Remember, 10% of a world's population of 6 billion is a lot of people!).

Okay, so here we are, on this message board because many of us enjoy FLR. My thing is being a submissive cuckold locked in chastity. There is a home for me here. But, as I read through other male's posts, I can see the subtle differences between my relationship with my wife and their relationship with their wives. Unique.

Having said all that, I do feel great that there is a community of us cuckold and chastised males. We can share the joy and agony of it all.

marcus