My wife and I fell out of our "good" routine the last week...she's been sick and stressed about work. For the first time in 2 months I was critical of her last night. I wrote her 2 emails today. One was simply apologetic, telling her I love her and that I would hate to think I had set back our progress. The other one was describing something I've figured out recently...that when I feel guilty like i have wronged her it makes me feel the most submissive and that I crave to be punished...for her to impose something that made me think twice next time. When I envision it I envision releasing a lot of stress and guilt. Anyway...part of my program her is no "pushing" and no "expectations"...so I left at that. She probably won't ask for examples or do anything...its not her nature. Anyway, that's just something I have noticed.
I understand when you say " I feel guilty when I have wronged her it makes me more submissive." If I even play with her property I feel guilty and tell her sometimes I get punished sometime not. It's all up to her and I love it the way it is.
Need / Wish. After receiving a note today from me about it she still took the kids to Lego class tonight while I watched Hockey then Football. She hinted I should take the kids simply because its not her favorite thing...but way outside of "punishment" she simply does not think in terms of anything punitive toward me. Don't get me wrong we had a nice night...I just wish I could instill some confidence in her. When we "play" there is always something "physical"...spanking or lashing...and something mental..."promise not to be an ass anymore or else...."...that's what I crave...
So she gave you an opportunity to show that you were sorry for you actions by giving a hint that it would be appreciated by her if you took the kids. You however felt that as this was not the punitive reaction that you wanted you ignored it. Congratulations, you have now just proved that it's not really her desires that interest you at all, only yours. You were sorry and you sent an email to apologise for making your wife feel crap. Correct me if I am wrong but it ended there, yes? She hinted that there was something you could do to make it up to her which you ignored. So how has she benefited from this? She hasn't at all, so why would she want to continue to play this game with you if you give her little more than normal life? I think that if you had taken the kids, she may have had a little thought about how you were trying to show you were sorry and that you really meant your apology and wanted to show how sorry you were. This may have helped her want to move forward as well and possibly would have given her time to think and possibly come up with what you wanted as a treat. As this didn't happen and instead she got you sitting on the couch whilst she carried on looking after the kids, I see no reason for her to entertain your desires, you did nothing to entertain hers. If you want this to work, you need to make it obvious to her that it can be different from what it has been.
Sometimes the most obvious thing (like taking the kids to Lego class) are overlooked. If she is going to be the focus in this relationship, I think you will need to recognize when she is asking, or even hinting at what she wants. Remember, this is about pleasing her, not you.
Not every punishment is going to involve you naked and getting whipped. A big part of living a D/s & chastity lifestyle is non-sexual things. Your wife knows full well what you want. However you have to give her what she wants, too (i.e. taking the kids around). Maybe you could do something nice for her unprompted like cleaning the bathroom or kitchen, or reorganizing the pantry. If she asks about it just tell her you felt like doing something nice for her and leave it at that. Sex and favors shouldn't be used as currency in a relationship.
I don't disagree, I was selfish on this one. On one hand I thought beyond punishments that would be for my sexual amusement and onto ones that would be truly helpful to her, and on the other I did not "walk the walk" by leading her down the path.
WEC many of our KHWifes are not dominant in nature and it takes time and lots of communication to let them know our deepest desires,just for their information,because only they will decide what to do. A key path is to help them in every non sexual way to make their lives easier,this not only pleases them,but helps us to develop our true submissivness. As time goes by, she will have no problem in punishing you regularily Through whipping,spanking,etc.whether you deserve it or only because she knows you will enjoy it !
Although she is running with this, and seems to enjoy this, I still feel your actions are sending mixed messages. Or at least your wording. You speak of guiding her, wanting to tell her to give threats, punishments. She is going extremely fast at this and is as far as I am concerned, liking this and good at it. The only one that needs guidance is you lol. It’s only been a short while and you are already trying to dictate what she does, how to do it, and what to say. As far as not helping out with the kids, I think you knew what she wanted, it just wasn’t the kinky punishment you were looking for. It might be time to really look at what you want out of this. Sorry I don’t mean to jump your case, you were sharing, but you seem to keep trying to steer her, when you should be learning to follow.
My GF actually thrives on giving me punishments which have nothing to do with sex... If it is a punishment to do with sex or is erotic to me, she knows I will enjoy it which means it is not a punishment! Sexual punishments normally go hand in hand with rewards .... If that makes any sense at all. Mainly I am learning is that if my GF asks for something or hints at something I do it without complaining. If I have done something wrong she punishes me accordingly the other day I had my phone confiscated for the day lol. It was annoying, not sexual and it had the desired effect she was looking for. Everyone does things differently WEC but I would say if you are looking to be spanked, whipped etc she is not going to use this as a punishment for you when you truly do something wrong.
Agreed! Don't confuse punishment and "Funishment". Mistress knows if & when I enjoy Her various discipline measures and I have quit trying to fool Her into doing things that I secretly enjoy under the guise of "punishment". She is not stupid. She doles out what She wants.
I love the mistress whipping me for pleasure and its often stings, But one her her puniushments is also a good whipping but delivered a lot harder, only had these 10 severe strokes once and it really did hurt. So yes that was a punishment i dont want regularly so I try not to do anything wrong.
It takes time for someone to learn how to serve the needs of their Mistress just like it takes time to learn how to take control over the sub. When your heart gets in the right place that her needs,desires and pleasures are more important than anything that you want or need. This is when things will start to fall into place for you. To serve unconditionally
Yeah, one of the clear properties of a real punishment is that you want to avoid it, not that you're thriving for it. I still have vivid memories of the "reward" for being caught wanking without permission and it was a nightmare. It's also as nice ambiguity that one enjoys getting into the cold, heavy steel when locked up but later it turns into something unwelcomed when you start thinking of wanting to get rid of it and — won't. Or even get a prolongation when daring to ask for release. Cheers cw
keep in mind this thread was started before I even told her about chastity or showed her a device. we've come a looooooon way since then. I've been very hesitant to nudge her in any particular direction for the last 4 weeks she has just been running with it and I've enjoyed the ride.
My apologies, I should have checked the date of the original post, I was concerned you were going backward lol! Keep up the good stuff.
yep no problem. I'm "out" right now and missing the structure of the device. its only been 2 days and I'm getting back into "devotion mode" of being a good listener and anticipating her needs. I'm going to try very hard to let her initiate the next lock up. Have to think long-term.