Probably won’t be hanging around here too much anymore

Discussion in 'Journals and blogs' started by Shepherdsflock, Mar 29, 2018.

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  1. Shepherdsflock
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    Shepherdsflock Long term member

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    I made mention a couple of times on here I think that I have always believed I am transgender. I believe that is one of the reasons that I took so naturally to chastity. I ended up really liking the suppression of erections and sensations that triggered feelings of gender dysphoria.

    I came out as transgender to my wife and therapist last week. No surprise from my therapist, she suspected it from my first visit. My wife was less surprised than I expected. I had long been trying to hide my discomfort with my body and it’s sexual functions and blaming my lack of desire for intercourse on her vaginismus. She truly does hate intercourse, but even on the odd occasion when she would feel guilty about it and offer to let me have intercourses I would decline and say I didn’t want to hurt her and feel guilty afterward. The truth was, the male part of intercourse always felt unnatural and weird to me because I have never been comfortable with male sexuality and my “equipment”.

    Her reaction was a little bit of surprise, but mostly confirmation of long held suspicion that there was something not quite “normal” about my sexuality. Then she caught me by surprise. She confessed to me that she has struggled with lesbian feelings since her teenage years. She even told me about some close female friends of ours that she has a hard time being around because she gets aroused when she is around them. She has never really had sexual feelings for men. She said she married me for my compassionate and sensitive personality and also as a way to validate herself to relatives and friends who would not accept her female attractions.

    It’s been a strange week of adjusting to the truth about each other. We are still the same, but it feels different nonetheless. She likes the idea of me being feminine, but has fears about what life for our family would be like if I go all the way with transitioning. As far physical appearance and personality changes goes, she’s fine with everything up to and including full GRS. But, it’s the social impact and the unknown effects on our children that have us worried.

    We had our first time together sexually last night since I came out. I set the boundary that my penis was off limits. I don’t want it touched or stimulated in any way. Not intentionally anyway. I hate having erections and intensifying that feeling by stimulating it is awful. So we just moved forward with that boundary. I didn’t try to act male at all, as I had always done previously. I always felt like I had to act and exaggerate sexual behavior to prove my maleness. Not last night. I have always felt like a submissive feminine person sexually and didn’t try to hide it last night. I just focused on her and pleasing her, with no real desire for reciprocation. I was happy just to cuddle with her and please her. She enjoyed it immensely, and so did I.

    Her climax was longer and harder than any she had ever had. But afterward she felt weird about it. She found it hard to admit that she had just had sex with a woman, and enjoyed it immensely on top of that. Even though she had long felt sexual attraction to feminine people, she had a hard time admitting that she had actually done it.

    So, as far as where I go from here, it’s up in the air. I would really like to transition fully, but think that may not be safe or good for my family at this stage in my life. My therapist recommended some HRT to reduce male sexual function and give me a small amount of feminizing to ease the gender dysphoria. She suggested I could present as something like a butch lesbian that would be easier to publicly pass as male when needed but still have an inwardly feminine identity.

    Once I hit the point in HRT where erections either stop or become difficult to achieve, I plan on stopping the use of the chastity device. There really won’t be a need for it at that point. Plus testicles usually shrink pretty significantly and eventually the base ring probably won’t even stay on me anymore.

    Thanks to everyone here who has been a friend. It was a fun experience, and I wish you all the best.
     
  2. Mash2214
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    Mash2214 Locked today, tomorrow, forever

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    May you find that inner peace that you so desire. Take Care
     
  3. Love&Passion
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    Love&Passion Long term member

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  4. corsac
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    corsac Long term member

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    Congratulations on taking that step! I officially came out to my wife almost two years ago. Though I have no plans to start HRT, I would if things were different. Just because you may not be in chastity doesn’t mean you can’t check in! Good luck with everything!
     
  5. Breathe
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    Breathe Be true to yourself

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    Honesty isn't easy when the terrors of judgement, spite, and loss are looming nearby. You both should be proud of reaching a point of overcoming those adversities, regardless of your timeline.

    I commend you both for opening up to each other. I was happy to read that passage in your post, and smiled as I got further down when I saw the fruits of your honesty. Intimacy and the friendship it requires can blossom quickly in those scenarios.

    Whatever happens next in your relationship, despite any pain or tribulation, will benefit you both since you are actively taking steps to inwardly reflect on what you both truly want out of life.

    Personal freedom feels so much better than suppression. Best of luck on your journey. :love:
     
  6. Femcontrol5
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    Femcontrol5 Learning and loving it

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    I'm not transgender, but one thing I completely understand is not wanting erections or use of my penis. What used to be useful is not anymore. Goodluck to you and your wife!
     
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  7. LesterBallard
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    LesterBallard Long term member

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    good luck on your journey
     
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  8. JiL
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    JiL servitude4u

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    Best to you both.
     
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  9. NoloMeTangere
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    NoloMeTangere Long term member

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    Shepherdsflock, I have followed your journey for quite some time, and I'm glad that you and your wife seem to be on the path to true happiness. Perhaps a slightly more feminine you will keep your wife happy and lead to greater and greater intimacy. I will be sorry to see you go, but happy to know that you are happy. I know that you are close to losing your father, and I know that your rekindled union with your wife will be a valuable support. Best of luck!
     
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  10. LockedPom
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    LockedPom Long term member

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    Good luck, but please think about your children in any life decisions!
     
  11. Panda2010
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    Panda2010 There's a fine line between pleasure and pain

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    @Shepherdsflock

    Opening up to each other is really important for both of you. I hope this is the start of a great new chapter in your lives. But there will be challenges as you go forward. Even if a chastity cage seems redundant in the future, feel free to stay here. Whether or not you have a bit of plastic or steel around your junk isn't important. YOU and your WIFE are the most important thing!!!

    Both you and your wife need support at the moment and as you transition to the next stage of your relationship. Please engage with your friends here at the Mansion to be part of your support network.

    I wish you both well. Hopefully the times of your lives are ahead of you in this new, open environment.:love:
     
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  12. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    I went thru a bit of a crisis almost 2 years ago, hormone issues, gender issues, and new found intimacy...I was all over the place wondering if I had to be a different person.

    Hormone wise I decided to let things take whatever course it naturally does, and to accept the fair amount of femininity that goes with it, and being myself might mean that my gender is a bit ambiguous. That doesn’t mean I have to transition.

    You can adjust your clothing, and attitude, without living full time as a female. I know my life wasn’t ready for that even if I wanted it. Children, family, career, there would be a high cost. There is some middle ground though, especially if your wife is accepting and willing to open up to change.

    Good luck
     
  13. Shepherdsflock
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    Shepherdsflock Long term member

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    So, did you end up using any hormone therapy? I have been seeing a therapist and I am wondering if androgen blocker with very low dose of estrogen could help without big physical changes.
     
  14. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    With my hormone issues, adding hormones wasn’t necessary, just letting nature take its course. It’s not happening overnight but there have been changes.

    I imagine a small amount of hormone treatment and blocker would ease your anxiety, I know once my body settled down I felt better.
     
  15. Shepherdsflock
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    Shepherdsflock Long term member

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    Thanks. I lost my father to lung cancer on March 7. For anyone out there who smokes, I know you’re probably tired of people preaching at you, but watching somebody die young (59 years old) from a horrible, preventable disease is one of the most painful experiences you can imagine. Please do whatever it takes so your loved ones don’t have to experience this. He always had the attitude of the old The Who song that said “I hope I die before I get old”, but when he was dying young he desperately wanted to keep living.

    Please forgive my preachy post if you feel offended, but I can’t stress enough that it’s something that doesn’t have to happen. You can quit and avoid a fate like this.
     
  16. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    I dress normal at work, and going out in public, but dress in more feminine manner at home. Seems to be the balance that is ok for me.

    Some things cross over that I just have to deal with and I’m fine with it. Grooming, shaved legs, eyebrows plucked, longer hair, all a lil harder to explain, but people don’t really notice unless you draw attention to it.
     
  17. Shepherdsflock
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    Shepherdsflock Long term member

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    How has your wife been with it? My wife was very supportive at first, but just last night kind of freaked out. Reality is starting to hit and it’s not as easy as she thought it would be. We haven’t even made any changes other than just acknowledging the truth about ourselves and it’s already hard.
     
  18. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    She’s great, but unlike yours, she isn’t attracted to females, so it doesn’t follow us to the bedroom, just daily life. Dressing was never sexual in nature for me anyway.
     
  19. Goddess Gaia
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    Goddess Gaia Looking for a Good boy in Phildelphia
    Verified Female

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    Your story is so beautiful and moving, I hope no matter what you and your wife are happy and safe, but I pray you both know the joy of being your true selves <3 <3 <3
     
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  20. Mandynjack
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    Mandynjack Long term member

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    Once the mind is sorted, the body will tend to follow. Collateral damage is inevitable in these situations and it's great you are aware of that. But somewhere in all of that you have to be true to yourself also. Genuine good luck to you and your family.
     
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  21. Mandynjack
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    Mandynjack Long term member

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    Oh and by the way. You may have far more in common with folks here than you think. Don't be a stranger.
     
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  22. Shepherdsflock
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    Shepherdsflock Long term member

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    I may drop in from time to time. Chastity is indelibly linked in my mind to my male bits and I hope they are quickly rendered inoperative and eventually reconfigured into the genitalia I feel I should have had all along.

    Once the penis stops functioning I’m not sure if I will have a lot of interest, but I may stop by to see how folks are doing.
     
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  23. JiL
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    JiL servitude4u

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    That is so true.:love:
     
  24. Shepherdsflock
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    Shepherdsflock Long term member

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    I thought I would share a quick update.

    I started HRT 8 days ago. The results so far have been incredible. Nothing much physically, other than a noticeable drop in libido. But my emotions and moods have stabilized a LOT. Even my wife is shocked at how much happier and calmer I am.

    I used to always feel like I was right in the verge of rage and/or depression. It didn’t take much to send me careening into very dark emotional territory. Now, I can still experience anger or depression, but it doesn’t get as deep and dark and does not escalate very quickly at all.

    I’m really pleased with the journey so far. The endocrinologist started me in really low doses, so I am curious to see how things progress as the dosages are increased over time.
     
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  25. Jessica Alexander
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    Jessica Alexander Trans woman not a mistress or Dom

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    Glad to see you back here! HRT made me feel so much better as well.
     
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