Power struggle - Newly Married

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by Jon_Grey, Feb 19, 2021.

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  1. Jon_Grey
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    Jon_Grey New member

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    Hi. I'm a 29 year old male from India, who got recently married to a 24 year old girl. I'm new here and not sure if this is the right thread. So, if This is the wrong category, kindly redirect me to the right one.

    As most marriages in India, Ours is an arranged marriage. I know her only for like 6 months. Before marriage, I had had a few handjobs and blowjobs, but never penetrative sex. She is more vanilla. She hasnt had any experience before.

    Its been 4 months and our sex life has its ups and downs. She knew about my previous relationships and hence she thought it was a good idea to let me initiate moves in the bedroom. She was very scared at the thought of intercourse. She would cool down after a lot of kissing and carressing, but right when i get on top of her, she gets nervous and moves her body around. I have an average cock. Its 2 inches when soft and 5.5 inches erect. After a few failed attempts, I'd just get frustrated and my cock would go limp. I'd just finger her and then I'll go masturbate in the bathroom and then we sleep. This happened for a couple of weeks.

    She is too shy for handjobs too. She admitted she doesnt know how to do it and she gets bored easily after a minute or 2. One night, she stroked me really close and then told me to go cum in the bathroom. I got really pissed and asked her why. She said, she isnt really enjoying it. I was soft at the end of that conversation.

    So, I slowly worked towards pleasing her. I'd finger her every night and then masturbate later. At first she felt pain even for a single finger. Her hymen was still intact. At the end of 4 weeks, I was 2 fingers up in her pussy when she bled a little. She wasnt in any pain. She has eased up on the feeling of 2 fingers.

    At fifth week, i gave her an orgasm with my fingers. She hadnt experienced it before. She was very happy with the feeling. Sadly, That was the only orgasm I have ever given her. It took me 6 week to finally get my cock into her pussy. She cried initially, but then she said it was not from pain, she was just pleased that it didnt hurt. Sex was ok for the next couple of weeks. I came in 10-15 minutes and we would wash up and sleep.

    She had promised she would blow me for my birthday. And she kept her word. She just requested me to turn off all the lights so that she wouldnt feel shy. She blew me until I am close and I came in the bathroom. She said she didnt like it much but she did it for me.

    I'm not a submissive person normally. I enjoy being in control. But I realised that me being in control is actually hurting our relationship. I'm gettin my orgasms but at the end of the day I'm not satisfying my wife and I end up unhappy with that. SO I decided to slowly give up control.

    She was still scared of penetration. So, I lied on my back and told her to ride me in cowboy position. It took her a while, but she finally figured it out. In 10 mins, I came and she was almost pleased.

    Now, when we are alone, I just direct her hands to my cock and leave it there. I stopped telling her what to do. She just plays around not knowing what to do. Sometimes it does nothing for me, but there's the thrill of letting her explore. SOmetimes, she stops right when I'm getting hard. SOmetimes, she'd go a little closer to orgasm and she stops. I stopped telling her that I was close or stuff like that.

    One day, after a lot of cock play, she told she wants to ride me. I was fired up already and really close to an orgasm. I came inside her in 2 thrusts. It was humiliating for me. But there was too much stimulation to begin with.

    Now I just let her have all the fun. She just asks me to tell her if I am close so that I can go to the bathroom to release myself. I am also free to masturbate anytime I want. She rarely denies sex, but I have stopped asking. Now she voluntarily puts her hands inside my cock and plays with them whenever she feels like. The downside of that is whenever she inititates penetrative sex, I cum too fast. Always less than a minute. And the cock goes limp to its 2 inches right away. She has started teasing me with that too.

    Now, I am not a submissive guy. But I would want to try letting her lead our sexual life, since I think it would benefit both of us. How do I give up all power inside the bedroom while still being at my A game outside? Are any of you in such relationships? How do I maintain that balance? Should I totally surrender my sexual pleasures to her. I have always been a chronic masturbator. I masturbate atleast once per day. Now, I do that only when she is away or at her mother's house. I'm afraid if I give in too much, it would affect our relationship in other important non-sexual matters like finance etc. Are there a set of guidelines to open up this with her? Any do's and don'ts? Would love some guidance. Thanks in advance.
     
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  2. Hubby&Missy
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    Hubby&Missy Love keeps us together

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    We are using chastity to help our sexual relationship rather than deny it. It does not change any of the rest of our relationship. You just have to talk about what you are trying to achieve. Giving her total control of when and how does not make you less manly...just more loving and considerate.
     
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  3. Mauiperson
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    Mauiperson Member

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    That is a lot to unpack. But to keep it to the point, letting her take control in your sex life will likely be better for the both you. Let her go slow and easy and you can always find the line in the sand that works for you. For someone who is inexperienced, sex is like opening a whole new chapter in your life. Women are often told to feel shameful about sex and it will take quite a bit of time for her to get over that. So letting her lead will help with her explorie comfortably. You will still likely get into ruts, but gentle nudging will probably get you both to the next level.
     
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  4. Jon_Grey
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    Jon_Grey New member

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    Thank you for your responses. I'm working on bringing it up with her. Hopefully all goes well.
     
  5. Jah Rubbings
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    Jah Rubbings Jah Rubbings

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    Be happy with coming quickly. Use it to let her know how beautiful and sexy she is to you. I used to masturbate every day until October, when I decided after 23 years of marriage to let her lead and not be demanding for sex. Now I also come quickly because I am so charged. If you have pleasured her with your tongue or finger. (Don't go in. Just massage the clitorus) and you only last a minute or two, then it will be more gentle for her. When she is more used to penetrative sex you can try to go longer by doing it twice. If the first was very gentle, she will hopefully be relaxed enough to try again after 30 minutes or so.

    You should be very proud of having this much respect for your lady. It warms my heart to know that, in such a male dominated society you are a modern man with a good idea of equality and feminism.

    Take your time for both of you. You have your whole life ahead of you. Being caged is a wonderful way of handing over yourself to your wife. It does not mean that you are less of a man in the real world. I manage 30-40 workers, I am a strong masculine man in charge. But I want to be a thoughtful, loving, caring man in the bedroom. Chastity helps me to switch between the roles easily.

    I used to have lots of kinky thoughts looking at porn on the internet, my wife is not kinky. Now instead of hoping for something special in a kinky way, and needing to come daily, I love not to come for 4 to 7 days at a time. When you are locked up and horny it lasts so much longer, and get more pleasurable not to come.

    Check out the journal section. There are lots of things to learn from others. I have posted a diary of my first few months experience, check it out. Keep posting and getting feedback. Everyone is so helpful here.

    Communication is important. Be open and honest with your wife.

    I would recommend getting both a Holy Trainer V4 Nano, and a small. They come with several ring sizes, and if you get them from China will be fairly cheap to get you started.
     
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  6. LesterBallard
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    LesterBallard Active member

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    It's maybe just the way you've explained your position but the biggest thing that seems to be missing here is communication. It's an arranged marriage, she barely knew you, she was a complete sexual innocent. She was bound to be very uncomfortable. You've been understanding of that.

    But if you now want her to adopt a more dominant role you really need to sit down and talk all that through with her. She's not going to work it out by herself.

    Good luck
     
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  7. Peter Rabbit
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    Peter Rabbit I'm her bunny

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    Sounds familiar and fun. You should let her explore and find her own enjoyment. My wife enjoyed that she could make me cum so quickly and cause such a reaction and leave me relaxed and soft. My stamina wasn’t what she wants.

    Ceasing masturbation made me more fun to play with. Let her fool around and lead. It’s more relaxed if you’re not goal oriented. She’ll become comfortable and you’ll find what clicks for both of you.

    Don’t think of it as “dominant”. More friendly. Just play around. It did blossom into my wife taking the lead for sex. But that’s been a lot a fun.

    I would cut back on masturbation as you have. I would not introduce chastity devices or the concept domination. Keep it simple. I wouldn’t worry about it spiraling into an FLR controlling finances and such.

    Just keep things simple. It sounds like you’re both working at it.

    Does she masturbate or give herself orgasms?
     
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  8. MissyB
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    MissyB Active member

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    Complex situation, but can't go too wrong with more communication. Sharing how you both feel, and then letting her have the freedom to explore and push boundaries. Build more trust between each other and see where it leads.
     
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  9. Jah Rubbings
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    Jah Rubbings Jah Rubbings

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    How about an update @Jon_Grey ? I hope things are going well
     
  10. Jon_Grey
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    Jon_Grey New member

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    Hey. So, we had a talk. She isn't quite thrilled about having completed control yet. But she did enjoy the extra freedom. The past week had been wonderful. Yesterday, for the first time, she took the initiative for penetration. Now she's playing with my cock whenever she gets a chance. She claims she even played with it while I was asleep.

    I'm pretty sure the change in dynamics have boosted her confidence a lot and improved our sex life significantly
     
  11. Jah Rubbings
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    Jah Rubbings Jah Rubbings

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    She doesn't have to take complete control. Just allow her the time to make love on her terms and at her pace.

    Chastity does not have to involve anything kinky, in fact I now rarely think about kinky sex because it is not something that my wife wants, or thinks about.

    For me it is about refraining from playing with myself, which I was doing nearly every day and had a negative impact on our marriage.

    Now, after 6 months, I don't want to come every day because the feeling that builds up over a few days or a week of denial is so much more powerful and intense and the feelings of closeness to my wife are so beautiful that I don't want that feeling to end.

    Are you locked up yet? That adds a whole new dimension to the feeling, and can help you relax and let go those times when you think you need to come, but could, in reality, go for longer without.

    When you say she enjoys the freedom. Do you mean freedom from the pressure of feeling she must succumb to your sexual wants or needs? Whatever culture you come from, I think a lot of women feel obligated to allow their partners sex even when it is not on there mind. It took me years and years to realise that by having sex during these times I was harming our relationship. You are well ahead of most guys.
     
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  12. Jon_Grey
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    Jon_Grey New member

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    That's what I thought too. She's concerned about her inexperience. That she might do something that will hurt me physically or emotionally. So I say down and talked with her and told her that I'll tell her openly if she's doing anything hurtful and she wouldn't really know if she doesn't try.

    I think it's too early to think of locking up. She's totally unaware of the concept and i do not want to scare her this early. Also we are a joint family so, there's some difficulty in making it happen. As of now, I haven't masturbated in a week and had 3 orgasms, 2 from handjobs and one from vaginal. I think chastity without locking up is a bigger responsibility in me and I'm willing to work on that.

    And yes, she does feel free from that obligation to please me against her needs. She was under the impression that she should pretend to like it when I initiate anything. She is curious about a lot of stuff but has felt that she wasn't provided enough opportunities to explore them. She mostly just wanted to fool around but was concerned that it will excite me and will lead to sex which she wasn't in the mood for.

    As of now, we are in better terms with our sexuality. I feel like I'm not losing anything at all.
     
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  13. Feathers.Sub
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    Feathers.Sub Member

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    Hello,

    I don't want to sound harsh, just an advice from what I've read.
    I think you should be lucky that she is telling you the truth about what she likes or more precise dislikes.
    I can't imagine having sex or having someone put hands on me, of she doesn't enjoy it (a lot).
    As such I think the best idea is to:
    - give her enough time, so that she gets a clue what she likes
    - that she can develop her own sense of sexuality
    - stop penetrating and fingering etc. but use more touching and kissing..showing her that you really (!) enjoy her and that you're not doing it for foreplay and penetration.
    - communicate
    - communicate
    - communicate what she likes, what she feels etc
    - stop masturbating or masturbate less, this will increase your feelings for her and she will recognize it
    - have you ever tried to please her without using fingers or penetrating her?

    Thing about yourself, how would you think about getting close together without any goal of getting an orgasm for you and her.

    Feathers.sub
     
  14. Jah Rubbings
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    Jah Rubbings Jah Rubbings

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    I was allowed out and my beautiful sexy wife was on top this morning. I wasn't even moving once I was in, but lasted under a minute. That's only after about 4 days orgasm free. It felt so good to show her how great she is.
     
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  15. madams-sissysub
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    I agree!
     
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  16. Feathers.Sub
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    Feathers.Sub Member

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    Sounds like you had some fun...
    .. but the obvious question could / should be:
    What's in it it for HER?

    Feathers.sub
     
  17. Jah Rubbings
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    Jah Rubbings Jah Rubbings

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  18. Jinkyu
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    Jinkyu Active member

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    hey Jon, I work with a lot of folks from India so I understand where you're coming from!

    If I might make a suggestion, you should read up a bit about female orgasms, clitoral stimulation and consider asking if she wants to find a good vibrator.

    I noticed you mentioned she's only came once, I'll guess that's the only time she ever has. if you want to let her experience that more, I think reading up on clitoral stimulation and the addition of a vibrator will help greatly. my wife almost never comes from normal sex bit we add a vibrator and she easily does...

    best of luck!
     
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