Pen Pals?

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by Newbeginning, Jan 7, 2021.

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  1. Newbeginning
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    Newbeginning Member

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    I have one need that I am not sure how to meet, and i suspect i'm not alone in this. For context, my wife and I have just passed 18 months of chastity play, with each of us having learned a lot in that time. We have now hit our stride, with each of us really enjoying the way chastity has strengthened our relationship, as well as giving us a whole world of ways to play together. Although we've been married over 30 years, we would both agree that many of our most memorable, powerful, enjoyable sexual experiences have occurred since introducing the cage.

    In a way, my question now is directly related to the success we have experienced in chastity (and also light to moderate BDSM play). In all other areas of my life, I have a close friend with whom I discuss much of what goes on in my life, though chastity is the standout item that is not discussed with him. I do not plan to bring up this topic with my close friend, but I feel a strong desire to discuss our play with someone. If my wife and I were into public play, no doubt i would meet people with whom to talk about it, but our sex life is private and will stay that way.

    I do feel a strong need (yes, i would call it a need) to have someone other than my wife with whom i could share anecdotes, feelings, thoughts, and so forth. I feel like that kind of reflection would really help me to process the sometimes very strong emotions that arise, and also to help me to live with the (sometimes long) periods during which i am simply serving my wife/Mistress around the house with little or no play between me and my wife (other than her giving me commands related to household chores), and having to simply live with my bottled up sex drive, which is considerable. In short, as much as chastity has brought me closer to my wife, and vice versa, the experience also has brought me closer to my self, and even with a loving wife, i think it could be very beneficial for me o have a platonic friend to talk with, on a semi regular basis, about how it's affecting me, or even simply about what is going on. As i envision it, t such a "pal" relationship would be mutual. I think that if i could hear from my "pal" similarly about their experience, it could also benefit me by giving me perspective, reassurance, and perhaps new ideas. Although some of this kind of interaction is available from the usual posting on the forum, i believe the value could be enhanced if I developed more of a long-term contact with someone in particular. I am unsure whether this would work best with another man kept chaste, or with a keyholder; i suspect either would have its advantages.

    I have thought about this for quite a while, and I am now wondering if people on CM ever develop this kind of "pen pal" friendship with one another. Would this be a good place to try to find a "pen pal" with whom to exchange messages about our respective experiences? At first blush, it seems like this would be easy enough, except that I imagine that different people on CM have very different ideas of what a friendship would be like, and also of how to appropriately respond to comments by a friend. I could imagine that it would take some work to find a "pal" with a sufficiently complimentary point of view to make it work. Although balance and mutual understanding are very important, I would worry about beginning a conversation with someone only to have to break it off because, say, it turns out that the necessary "chemistry" is lacking; i don't want to offend anyone.

    So my question here is, have other people tried to find a confidante on CM, and if so, has the effort worked? And if so, do you have any tips for making it work?
     
  2. jemima
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    jemima maid for my Mistress

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    i have had some. but a lot of folks dont stop on here and then they just gone.
     
  3. Sipriotes
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    Sipriotes Slave to Artemistress

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    Absolutely! Just in the short time I've been on here I've enjoyed a number of in-depth convos with others either via private message (Conversations) or the chat box. It's exactly as you said -- a way to share experiences and support each other about something that most of us aren't going to be talking about with our vanilla friends.

    I'm definitely open to it if you want to hit me up.
     
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  4. Lazlo Toth
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    Lazlo Toth C/D on the TomAllen-Rectrix scale: 4/9

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    Likewise for me too. In fact, by far the largest benefit I get from this site is the occasional writings I get to share with others in the Conversations (private messages) section. I welcome the ability to share back and forth. So if you are looking, I am here too.

    My tip is this: Try not to get stuck in the endless spiral of always trying to make each response better than the last one. I find myself guilty of this sometimes. I so much appreciate others taking the time to write to me that I feel like I owe them a similarly long or detail reply. Sometimes that is the right and courteous thing to do, sometimes it's not. The problem arises when doing so becomes a chore and the whole string just ends. And that's a shame.

    I hope that helps.
     
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  5. King Hippo
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    King Hippo Active member

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    That is the only reason I am here... because there isn't many places you can talk about this stuff openly. Hit the chatroom sometime.
     
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  6. Chaste J.
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    The great thing about CM is that there are many shared experiences here. Generally people are friendly as well. I've had one or two private messages over the years but not many and I've never sent one. Never used a chatroom either. My Chastity in the real world is something very much that belongs to Mrs Chaste and myself. We do wonder sometimes if anyone we know is into it or anything else for that matter. I enjoy being able to share here in an anonymous setting and get a lot of enjoyment reading others experiences as well. It's nice to pass on the benefit of your own experience to others as well when asked!
     
  7. ChasteCel
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    Same ... I tend to flit in and out of here on a random basis, but when I'm here, the "Chat Room" in particular tends to be a great atmosphere to share anecdotes and shared experiences and in general get or give support. Its a nice community.
     
  8. Benita
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    I can understand you wanting to talk to someone privately about personal things, as not everything belongs in a public space. Since I am relatively new here, I have unfortunately not been able to make pen pals. As you have already written, the chemistry must be right, so you would have to get to know each other first. By the way, I am in a FLR/Cuckold relationship.
     
  9. Surrendered
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    I like it here as well as it gives me a chance like others, to talk about it all. I'm not kept caged 24/7 but am caged periodically by wife/kh and definitely orgasm controlled.

    if anyone wants a confidant and chat privately, feel free to dm me. I have kik and Skype for chatting and kh knows.
     
  10. Benita
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    I think that all wifes / KH should know that their sub is writing here
     
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  11. Miss Amandas boy
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    Miss Amandas boy Submissive to Mistress Amanda

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    Yes it can happen, but too often you just end up feeling like you are an observer in someone else's fantasy.
     
  12. LesterBallard
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    this is a supportive environment and you will get good advice and feedback from folks on here. Remember, though, this is the internet and not everyone is who they seem. Be very careful about giving away any personal information.
     
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  13. Benita
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    Benita New member

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    You're absolutely right
     
  14. BR_Saiph
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    BR_Saiph Self-published author

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    You nailed that advice. It's one of the reasons I shy away from anything other than public posts. The pressure to respond 'in kind' is exhausting, regardless of whether or not it's valid for me to feel that pressure.
    With public posts I can flit in and out, leave one liners or go deep, but sans pressure.
    So...if the OP can avoid that, and just respond however he likes each time, he will do great.

    All that said, I've reached out to others here with a DM for advice and am so grateful for their help, so I really encourage what he is seeking.
     
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  15. BR_Saiph
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    BR_Saiph Self-published author

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    Excellent post, it resonates.
     
  16. cshorts
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    cshorts Locked in love for SL

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  17. Lazlo Toth
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    Lazlo Toth C/D on the TomAllen-Rectrix scale: 4/9

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    Thank you so much BR_Saiph. I really appreciate it.

    I want to tell the group that I, too, not only would welcome but SEEK such a "pen pal" relationship. This time I promise to follow my own advice! (Sometimes lengthy, sometimes simply a two or three word reply, might take a day, might take a week.....)

    One of the things that I would love the most is to get my wife involved in a very casual "pen pal" relationship with a female keyholder. I know my beloved would benefit from the womanly perspective. If she only hears "it"
    from me there's an inevitable element of topping from the bottom. I'd recommend she join this Forum, but I fear some of the hard core stuff would scare her away. My idea is to just have a private e mail address for occasional woman to woman talk without any male influence. I'd leave it entirely up to the women for how they'd want to verify the "femaleness" of their participation.
     
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  18. Newbeginning
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    Newbeginning Member

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    UPDATE: I really appreciate the encouragement from all of you, as well as those that took the bull by the horns and DM’d me. Your responses are everything I had hoped for. I look forward to getting to know people better, and if the balance and temperature are right, to have more detailed and sustained dialog in the future.
     
  19. MissyB
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    Glad to hear that you are finding folks to exchange ideas and sort of commiserate about things. I have several members here who I do direct messaging with and enjoy them all. I do post frequently on public threads, as i believe participation keeps site alive and more vibrant. But i also really enjoy private, one on one chats, to develop closer friendships. Good luck and enjoy.
     
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  20. Newbeginning
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    Okay, so now i've had several conversations with different people, some very brief, and a couple going into detail for a number of back and forths. With that done, I have observed that it's not as easy as it looks to carry on a dialog on these topics. The challenge seems to be what I will call "temperature." By this, I mean that it seems to be important that each party to a private conversation needs to engage in discussion at a suitable temperature in order for the other party to be receptive and comfortable.

    Temperature can vary quite a lot here, since a discussion could be cool and cerebral (like the temp of this post), or it can be quite hot and steamy. I think that a reader of a message has certain expectations about how hot or cold the conversation will run, and being too revealing, detailed, colorful or enthusiastic may be a turn off to a reader who is expecting something more cool, businesslike, and reserved. One way i see this developing is if one party to a conversation is wrapped up in a personal fantasy (not an unreasonable headspace for this forum), and the other person either does not share that specific fantasy, or is simply not ready to hear about it in detail. There is, in short, the potential for too much intimacy to be offered or claimed in a given conversation. That's not to say a pair of correspondents cannot over time develop considerable intimacy, but I think it is an easy error (of which I may well be guilty) to let down one's hair too fast with someone one has just met.

    sure, in an in person meeting, it may be possible to meet someone, decide they are one's soul mate, and carry on a very revealing conversation, all in the space of one evening, but I think that the amount of information and the quality of the cues that we receive (and send) in a cyber conversation is vastly more limited, so that it must usually take a while to really develop rapport.

    It is also perfectly plausible that different people who share this particular interest nevertheless do so in ways that really do not overlap in terms of interests or needs. I would expect that such poor-fit combos would become obvious quickly, and i hope that where it happens, everybody understands that it's just a natural result of meeting people, and not a slight if they end as quickly as they start. I've had this happen a couple of times, and have tried to politely explain if i don't feel a comfort level to continue the exchange. i hope i've avoided hurting any feelings.

    I am now starting to wonder how to manage the "getting to know you" phase of interaction, given that for every conversation on this site, there is, from the beginning, a subtext of something so intensely personal, provocative, and frankly "hot" embedded in the exchange. The potential to put someone off just seems very easy, especially if one is in the habit of speaking candidly. Perhaps it's essential to start slow and get repeated positive reinforcement before becoming too detailed or involved in describing something that happened. Just to make sure that both parties are in a comfortable place and interested.

    I also wonder if there's a risk of an "experience mismatch." By this i mean that if for example one person has a very viable, happy, complex, well-developed tease and denial relationship with a spouse, but the other person is a single person with a lot of fantasies but not a lot of real world activity, there's a chance of engendering feelings of jealousy, envy, regret and so forth in whichever person has less of what they want. I recognize that this is hardly a given, and that more experienced players have a lot to share/teach with less experienced players, but it would seem that in such situations both parties would need to be sure that what they were putting out was what the other party was hoping to get from the exchange. Once again this seems to indicate the importance of cautious early conversations to establish reasonable expectations.

    There is definitely some "risk" in engaging in such conversations. I've now put myself out there on one occasion and provided a considerable amount of detail (though not personal information), only to have stopped hearing from the correspondent for a considerable amount of time. Are they just busy, or is it something i've said? Did i get too specific too fast? (probably).

    I do think that once two people have exchanged more than initial pleasantries, it's important to tell someone if I decide to end the conversation, rather than just ghosting them. I hope others will do the same if they have had enough of me.

    There is no doubt that one's time-sense changes when in the middle of a hot conversation. It's like anything involving powerful needs. the delay feels longer. Of course i recognize that this issue is an echo of the fundamental appeal of why most of us are here. But in the context of conversation, i think that a certain responsiveness is essential, even if it's to say "busy, more later." or Thanks, but i need to take a break from this," or whatever.

    I am also trying to examine the "fog" that sometimes comes over me when i'm communicating about a subject that is often laced with fantasy. It's so easy to just start to reel off personal anecdotes on the assumption that the recipient actually wants to read about them. Part of the problem is that it just feels good to get things off one's chest, to have an actual audience to hear about an exploit or adventure which, until that moment, was never shared beyond me and my mistress, and to essentially relive the event with a friend, and thus experience the thrill in a new, additional way. My concern is that i may be doing this, at least some of the time, and that it's not necessarily what everyone wants to hear. So, perhaps ironically, i find that even in casual conversation, i may be in need of more discipline.

    Overall, i feel like everyone (whether on this site or not) is still learning how to have good conversational habits in a virtual world. I would love to hear about "good conversational habits" that other people adhere to, or have seen in others. And conversely, i'd be curious to know about "horror stories" people have, since they may be a great guide to what not to do.

    My pen pal adventure continues....
     
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  21. Lazlo Toth
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    Lazlo Toth C/D on the TomAllen-Rectrix scale: 4/9

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    An absolutely terrific post. This should be required reading on this site.

    Brilliantly done.
     
  22. NsToy
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    NsToy Active member

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    I've had some nice chats with people on the site, and some that were clearly looking for more info than I wanted to share.

    @Newbeginning, I like how you desribed it as detailed information but not personal. I believe I've do the same when chatting with people here on CM.

    I do get what you are saying about experience mismatch. I equate it to trying to become friends as an adult. It isn't easy as we typically gravitate towards people who are sharing the same experiences each of us are. Some people will take on more of a role like a mentor and then the experience gap is something that can be discussed and worked through but not everyone has the patience for that, or the desire.

    And I think that people probably relate to similar kinks as well. For example, I don't ever see my wife and I getting into cucking so I don't know if I would be a good match to talk to someone who is big into that aspect.

    That being said, I would be open to having conversations and correspondance.
     
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