Part 5 ~ The best thing about the future is it only comes one day at a time...

Now that I'm in a slightly better frame of mind I will try to respond to everyone's posts in a more collected manner!

I really really appreciate everyone's response.

I know I'm not supposed to apologise, but I really am sorry that I'm such a drama queen sometimes.

It's difficult to remember that these things take time, and in the heat of the moment it's easy to lash out.

pet has gone to do the weekly shopping, I've hardly seen him today, I think he's hiding... and I don't blame him! :anim_35:

I have been shopping again! I found the rose flogger down from $250 yesterday to $200 today! So I sent them an email to quote for shipping and I will probably buy it. It'll make a neat decoration if nothing else. :heart:

So here goes... sorry if I miss anyone out in the process.

 

I know, that's part of what gets to me... other people would LOVE this, but pet/charlotte doesn't. 2 options here. I either don't do it, or I use it as punishment.

I'm not sure that it's something I would want charlotte to do regularly anyway. I think if I'm not satisfied and I want to be licked out, then that's charlotte's fault not for taking care of my needs first.

I think this was the crux of the problem. I really felt I'd made a huge step and felt comfortable with my actions, but instead of being a quivering puddle of submission, charlotte was just disgusted.

Thinking about it now, I can see that charlotte felt she was being punished without reason and may therefore feel resentful over the whole episode.

I was just trying to assert myself and my power over charlotte. In some ways I think I have done this. charlotte knows I will now push her to do these things, whereas before I have backed down.

Thank you, that's really thoughtful. Either charlotte will be turned on by the visual stimulation, or it may help her realise that this is really not something she wants to do, but must take as a punishment if required.

In hindsight (marvellous thing!) I do think that I could have ended this much better if it had been at an appropriate time. I would have made charlotte kneel and apologise for whatever she was being punished for, and make her realise that this is what would happen in the future if she messed up again.

 

Today dollyanne, I agree with you, and I'm sure I will try again but only using cum-eating as a punishment (at this time!)

I think if charlotte is sensible she will make sure she at least tastes a small amount of cum if she should ever get the opportunity to masturbate. Hopefully she won't... but it will be something I think should be ingrained to cross her mind if ever she finds herself alone and in the company of a sticky cum puddle! (I'm a bad girl... I shouldn't have done this... I should at least taste some of it as punishment.[/QUOTE]

You're right, these are great ideas. charlotte wouldn't normally cum before me but given the odd situation we had been in during the weeks before this renewed sexual activity, a lot got lost in the spontaneity!

Thank you, dollyanne, for your thoughtful replies. You have been a great help.

 

And don't we know it!!! Sometimes it's a good thing, but sometimes I find it very hard to tell you all what is going on. If I put these things out there in the public, I think it destroys any fantasies any of you ever had about me!!! Lol Maybe that's not a bad thing afterall!

Thank you. I told pet I would be "odd" for a couple of days. There are still times when I have a knot in my stomach and really REALLY need to cry... pet didn't realise how much this all meant to me, and neither did I. Then sometimes I try and shake myself and say "this is only one part of our life" (and then I realise it's a really important part for me! :mad0235

 

I know, I know... yes I'm awful, yes apparently I'm reasonably attractive, yes I know... confidence is more important than looks.... shall I go on?! :sad0137:

This is a huge *me* problem that I need to deal with. When pet and I first me he made me feel 110% amazing. I literally oozed sex and self confidence on a daily basis. Not sure what happened... another baby maybe? She is so perfect and gorgeous and adorable, let's face it... she's the #1 female around here now.

I admit to the hood thing. It's a great help though! pet has a hood fetish and I don't need to hold my stomach in! :jumping0036:

I promise to work on my health and self confidence this year, and god help the world when it is sorted! :sex020:

 

I owe you an apology for my snappy comment!

You are completely correct, yes pet does need discipline and I need to decide how and when it is appropriate. (see my comments above to dollyanne)

I think cum-eating will be great for discipline. In fact, I think that is a good enough reason to not expect charlotte/pet to do it on a regular basis... the shock would wear off if she got used to the taste!

I do have urges towards whipping/caning/spanking, and I do think this is something I will train pet to enjoy... simply because I want to, and I know I will enjoy it!

 

Thank you lauren. You talk great sense, and you also are correct, there are more important things than D/s (I keep repeating this, but I'm not sure if I believe myself!)

It should be the icing on the cake, but I do want it to be more. Yet again I am trying to run before I walk... I believe we will get there. I also believe I need to be a lot calmer in assessing these situations.

This life is not something I want to let go of, but I also do not want to force pet into it if it no longer pushes his buttons.

Some bits do push his buttons... I know they do, and I know at the moment he doesn't feel he "deserves" them. I'm pretty sure if I were to incorporate more of these perveries into our sex life, he would be back on his knees in no time! :anim_46:

I also do not think he was testing me. He was utterly disgusted. I could tell! Lol He was in shock.

 

Thank you, and yes, I hear you on the communication and patience comment. Communication I can do, patience... not a virtue that was thrown my way!!!

I agree, but pet is really having a hard time deciding what he wants. I know he wants to serve, but I do see that he is not into certain submissive fantasies... namely pain and a certain degree of humiliation. I think I can work round these. The rest will come with time... I'm confident in that. He's still young! :happy0195:

I know... I'm a selfish, unthoughtful, greedy cow aren't I! :sad0147:

Yes, our sex life was great before all this started, and I know that I can introduce whatever kink I want and it will be tried once... I would like to remind you at this point that it wasn't *me* who wanted to be a Mistress!!!!

I do think pet needs to live with the consequences of creating a monster! :innocent0002:

 

Thank you. Yes, it has looked from time to time as if I was only doing things that were "expected" of me, and I did for a while... but that is no longer the case.

Thank you, that means a lot to me. The image I have for myself as a future Dominatrix is the "pink, caring, but confident and cruel" one!!! Twisted is my middle name!

I agree. Confidence is hugely lacking in this house! I know he contemplates on a daily basis why on Earth I chose him. Truth is, he isn't perfect, neither am I, but I love him to death and don't intend ever being with anyone else (without his consent or him being there!!!!):manga_angel:

Again, wise words. Yes, we need to get back into chastity. pet tried the Lori device again last night with no luck. It is going to be much too problematic for our needs, and I do expect to sell it in the not-too-distant future.

 

It's a bit of a difficult one isn't it!!!???

I do think he wants me as his Mistress 24/7, I just think sometimes things go too fast, and he does panic. He knows he fucked up and he's been regretting it ever since.

On a plus side, the tears and heartbreak he has seen from me in the past couple of days have reassured him that I am no longer doing this *for* him. It is now all about me. I do believe that is the best thing to come out of this.

The disappearance of our beloved Mansion is not going to happen anytime soon. Or ever, hopefully!

The only reason for that to happen would be if I said I didn't ever want to be a Mistress, and couldn't bear to look at or be a part of the site any more.

After this latest "growth experience" I can say that I am only going forwards. I will not go back to vanilla, and I see myself more in the Dominant role now than I ever did before.

 

I will take a look when I get some time, thank you.

He clearly wasn't thinking. I did a few unexpected things and I do think he was in some sort of "sub-shock". I think this was a turning point for me. At the time I saw it as very negative and felt pretty much destroyed, but now I have learnt so much from this experience.

Let's face it... I don't think he could ever do anything more soul-destroying mid-scene... If I can get over this, the world is my oyster!

Some of it was my fault. I mis-read signs, and I could have pushed this in a better direction. I do think this has settled a few things in both our minds, and I do think we now know who is in control. :anim_63:

 

Thank you. It is good to hear (more than once) that what I did was at least in the realms of someone's fantasies! At least I'm not a complete dunce!

It's good to know that other's have the same communication issues! I'm sure it will sort... :love0007:

I agree. I think my biggest mistake was not reading things properly and dishing out inappropriate punishment, as far as he could see.

This is exactly what I had planned for this year, an almost month-by-month breakdown of tasks/challenges. Unfortunately I took an opportunity and made a right royal mess of it!!! Of course... it could have gone the other way!

I think you are right - it was a knee-jerk reaction that has brought about a lot of thinking on both parts. For me it has created a lot of clarity, and I hope for pet it has shown now just how important this is for ME and that it is no longer something I am doing for him.

Hehe... I think if the Lori issue doesn't resolve itself in the next couple of days, we will be using the CB6k in no time at all.

 

Thank you oddball. I agree, he is still very young and very stupid!!! (Ok, only sometimes!)

I don't think the urges will go away for either of us. I think we need to reassess and then make sure we are working to make each other's roles as pleasant as possible... which is what we should have been doing in the first place.

Some of this *is* my fault, and I put that down to a learning experience. It has taught me that reading my submissive is far more important than I realised. In a different situation he may well have deserved what happened, but I do think I made mistakes here.

On the other hand, it is something I've always backed down from, and I firmly believe that pet now knows that his cute little face pulling tricks will not always get him out of trouble any more!!!

 

Mistress Kate, I nearly missed your post in the middle of my rant!

I hope you're right! And I hope they do realise just how much we love them and how bloody hard we do work at this.

Thank you also for your comment about Cobweb, it did make me chuckle. Men eh!

 

Hmmmm.... So now what's going on!?!?!

pet is just being plain weird. Lol.

He says he's doing the thoughtful things because that's what's "normal" in a relationship. Which points big signs towards not wanting to return to a D/s relationship.

I'm heading for a very hectic 2 weeks now, so I can't fudge my head with confusion any more. I'm happy that I know where *I* stand in this situation. I just need to wait for pet to catch up.

It's a shame he doesn't fill in his journal with his honest thoughts and confusions, then maybe I would have a cat's chance in hell of figuring out what is going on.

Not going to stress it for a while now... assignments to complete.

 

pet would drop random comments into odd conversations yesterday, but the general gist was "I want to go back to where we were, only with more play time".

Okaaaayyyy..... :confused0082:

Trust me, I'm not ignoring you on purpose! If I had my way I'd be teasing and dressing up and playing all the time. If we had a spare room it would be a play room, you know all that.

It did occur to us that we haven't had a single child-free night for 2.5 years at least. I thought about getting his mum to have baby for 2 nights when my ex2b is back in the country and can have his kids.... then I realised I wouldn't be able to not see baby for that long, and I know (because she's daddy's girl) that pet wouldn't cope either.

Oh well. We'll have to figure something else out won't we!

We did look for some new additions to our toy chest, but the site we went to seemed a bit dodgy and I didn't want to risk my credit card. :mad0214:

Too much to do and too little time at the moment.

Back to the assignments!

 

I am using up some vitamins I have around (still in date of course!) Once I have gone through those I will move on to the Barroca (I think slave kris uses this too).

The 5 scenarios idea is FABULOUS! I might have to work on that and start a thread. :interrogation:

But in the meantime I MUST get on with my assignments!!!! :bad-girl-0009: