Part 4 ~ Putting the "FUN" in DysFUNctional...

Discussion in 'Journals and blogs' started by Mistress Watchful, Aug 31, 2008.

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  1. subbutstillaman
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    subbutstillaman Senior Member

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    Why the duck would you not want to post on your own site. Tell the numpty to jog on whoever it is.
     
  2. subbutstillaman
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    subbutstillaman Senior Member

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    Or better still invoke admin rights and ban them.
     
  3. Mistress Watchful
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    Mistress Watchful Dont believe the hype ;oP

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    No way! This person has done nothing wrong. Just done what I do... expressed their feelings, nothing wrong with that.

    It was a vent... Vent over. :neutral:
     
  4. subbutstillaman
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    subbutstillaman Senior Member

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    Im glad we are all vented NAME and SHAME

    (seems to be a theme of outing on here tonight LMAO)
     
  5. xcitex2
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    xcitex2 Back from the past!

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    Opinions are like A$%holes

    Every one has one. Please Mistress try not to take whatever was said to much to heart. For what it is worth I, for one, have learned much from this site and you have been the biggest part in that. Take a deep breath and try to relax, it so disturbs me to see you all a wreck.
     
  6. Mistress Watchful
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    Mistress Watchful Dont believe the hype ;oP

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    Just had a phone conversation.

    Apparently I was being "teased".

    Ah well... that will teach me to text instead of talk on the phone.

    Blah. :sad:

    But all is right in the world again... Lol!
     
  7. Mistress Watchful
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    Mistress Watchful Dont believe the hype ;oP

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    Running late today already. Bloody awful night's sleep, pet would NOT stop fidgeting. So bad at one point I shook him awake I was so mad. Childish, I know, but blah!

    We're off to Ikea today! Yay... LOOOOVEEEE Ikea! Not that keen on the drive to Croydon, but at least there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel, and it's in my new shiny car!

    Then it's a mad night at Brownies tonight. I have a lot to prepare before I go there... eugh, better get that done now!

    Have a great day all!
     
  8. Mistress Watchful
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    Mistress Watchful Dont believe the hype ;oP

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    So utterly fucking pissed off with my whole entire life today, I'm going to bed. :neutral:
     
  9. subbutstillaman
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    subbutstillaman Senior Member

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  10. PuppyMaster
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    PuppyMaster Puppy Master

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    I love ikea tooo!! Whats up hun? x
     
  11. Mistress Watchful
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    Mistress Watchful Dont believe the hype ;oP

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    Sorry for not blogging. Nothing much to say.

    At the moment I am one of those scruffy mums in jeans... I hate being ordinary. I just need to figure out where my head is at.
     
  12. Mistress Watchful
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    Mistress Watchful Dont believe the hype ;oP

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    So, where are we today?!

    Still not able to put the porn incident to bed, I hatched a plan this morning. I had a gut feeling there *must* be some way to get the porn back, after all deleted actually means moved in computer language.

    Because the porn was on an external hard drive that we dont use much, I figured I had a high chance of recovery. Its only been a week, and hardly anything will have been written to it.

    A quick google and I find myself a free undelete programme, it doesnt even need installing and off I go.

    It took over 2 hours to download all 2300 movies and photos. Ive been through most of the pictures and some of the movie files.

    How do I feel?

    I was feeling ok looking through all the bondage, discipline, electroplay, etc surely this was downloaded by someone who was curious. It was when I hit reams upon reams of vanilla porn. Pretty girls in pretty lads mag poses. Mostly they are of someone called Bianca Beauchamp. So pets ideal woman is some tiny waisted, double D cup red head.

    At this point I became upset, then pissed off, then intensely angry.

    Fortunately pet was late home from college which gave me time to calm down and I intended to head for the bath, so as not to confront him.

    He knew something was up. I told him that it was the same thing I was worried about the porn and felt I wasnt up to whatever his fantasy was. He again reiterated that all the porn he had downloaded was just curiosity bondage porn. So I flipped here he was, lying to me again.

    I was so angry at yet another betrayal. I told him I knew *exactly* what the porn pictures contained and that it was utterly insulting. I know Im no Ms Bianca Beauchamp but then hes not exactly Johnny Depp.

    I slapped his face as hard as I could (which had a surprisingly sexy effect on me) and it didnt bother me in the slightest that he now had tears in his eyes. I asked him why he thought I should stay with him when I had more than enough offers from better men and he just shook his head.

    I headed off for the bath and calmed down quite a lot. I was able to think clearly about the whole matter, and how Ive been feeling the past few days.

    The stupidest thing, as far as I'm concerned, is that I would have done anything that was in that porn - humiliation, bondage, rubber, electroplay, receiving footworship, forced servicing.... he should have asked instead of indulging on his own!

    Im horny, incredibly horny and need satisfying, but I dont really want pet anywhere near me. I dont want any intimacy with him at the moment, I feel numb towards him, I care very little for him right now. I think I could use him though, as long as I was sure he wasnt getting any direct pleasure from it.

    I dont want to throw him out either. I know I can have my sexual needs met, he can help clean up, he can babysit and if he doesnt then I will punish him. I dont even feel angry about punishment, I feel as though its what he deserves. A new feeling for me.

    If he's staying, I want him locked up. No more pissing about.

    In the meantime, this will help me to consider my options. Maybe I will fall back in love with him when the numbness ends, and we will have ventured a little deeper into our D/s world, or I will decide he is worthless and useless I may still keep him around for housework.

    As usual, I have no idea where this is going, but at least this time *I* have some direction!
     
  13. Mistress Watchful
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    Mistress Watchful Dont believe the hype ;oP

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    Maybe that's half the problem... maybe it's ME who wants to do the things he was looking at MORE than him, and that's why I'm so jealous and upset.

    Gut feeling - it's over, and has been for a long time, and I'm just clutching at straws.
     
  14. subbutstillaman
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    subbutstillaman Senior Member

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    MW,

    I dont want you to take anything i say as me being an up my own arse condescending prick because believe me in this post this is one thing i dont want you to take my comments as. (even if i can come across like that sometimes, ill take that on the chin)

    The photos, he fucked up deep down i bet he knows he fucked up (i dont know this for sure just my honest opinion) he should of fronted up about them and the content. One thing i would say is maybe the straight photos and not telling you about them was because maybe (and again i dont know just saying what i think) he knew it would upset you big time and he was protecting both of you from it.

    I think it has been an amazing thing for two people to bare their lives so openly and honestly and creating a site for persons on the same journey at your own personal cost i say again fucking amazing.

    But outside of the site the pvc the kinky sex the d/s lifestyle and chastity from what i can tell from posts you are both truly in love and gel very well (Xbox on plasmas, lights in the car, setting up this site) but more importantly you have a kid together, is sacrificing that worth some vanilla porn and yes a lie about them?

    Your comment above "Gut feeling - it's over, and has been for a long time, and I'm just clutching at straws." the reason i would say you have done that comes down to one word 'love' you changed a lot for him (again taking this opinion from reading posts) and moved mountains, maybe the d/s fantasy went to far and threw you apart.

    Give him a final chance sit him down make him confess anything else (give him the chance i would guess nothing) dont do it as his mistress do it as his partner on the verge of finishing, ask him deep down why it all happened and make sure he is comfortable talking to you and being open.

    If he lets you down, i am sure he would be out, but i implore you give him that last chance and try to work through it with him.
     
  15. MasterG63
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    MasterG63 Senior Member

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    Act in haste - repent at leisure!

    I councel you to take you time to come to a considered decision :crossedlips:

    Sure, you feel hurt but maybe make a list of reasons to stay & reasons to go - see which is longer?

    There must be some good reasons why you have both come this far so what were they?

    If you can remember those then maybe there is somthing left to build on?

    The pair of you are the only ones having your relationship so it is up to you both what you do next...

    I wish you both well xx
     
  16. xcitex2
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    xcitex2 Back from the past!

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    Perhaps too late BUT....

    Mistress I know all have said some amazing things on here but please allow me to give you another view that has possibly been overlooked. First however please follow your heart and the words written before me.

    As a former addict of porn I am painfully aware of how it can consume your life. It is designed to. While most men admit to viewing it few if any admit to not being able to stop viewing it. It then takes on a monster all it' own. It makes you ashamed after you get enthralled yet you seek more. For me it started the same way, as research for the BDSM scenes, something I have been drawn to all my life. Each "research led me to seek harder and more bizarre stuff till it was something that had to be done to just get aroused. I could not even admit I needed help. Then when my ex wife cheated on me it sent me into a downward spiral as all I had to "relieve" my stress was more porn. In short try and take the time to understand why he has all this and if there is an underlying problem. I make no excuses for him as I am not there nor do I pretend to be. But perhaps his research and trying to please you led him astray and he got in over his head. In any case, tred lightly till you have all the facts as I doubt seriously from the little I know he has tossed you away for some hyped up latex model (Yes I researched to see who she was)

    I have probably said too much so I thank you for your time in a tender moment
     
  17. Mistress Watchful
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    Mistress Watchful Dont believe the hype ;oP

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    Guys, you're amazing. Can you imagine what "help" I would get if I was talking to vanilla women!? He'd be out the door already.

    whiteknight... I've already threatened to buy a violet wand, I've always been intrigued by electrostim... he looked very scared!

    subbutstillaman... don't make me cry first thing in the morning :cry: Yes he fucked up big time but why oh WHY does he ALWAYS do it at that moment of ultimate happiness? I find it very hard to relax in a relationship, I am (was?) AM! extremely paranoid in relationships and never believe I am good enough for the person involved. With pet, I think there have been maybe 3 times where I have felt what I can only describe as utter bliss and pure happiness and known I am with the right person. Don't get me wrong, the rest of the time we are either on a normal level or having our usual "will you put your socks in the laundry" relationship arguments, but there are 3 specific times that I know I felt secure, happy and in love. EVERY SINGLE TIME, within a few days that has been pulled apart.

    I guess one of my main fears is if I keep letting him get away with it, next time he will be unfaithful. Why wouldnt he? I let him get away with murder, constantly.

    I also understand that he kept it hidden to prevent hurting me. Wow, that really worked! I found the porn by accident, which I think made it worse. I just didnt expect it and there it was. After all this time of being told he wasnt bothered by porn, there it was. LOTS of it. I know you all think he was lying when he said he didnt look at porn, but I really dont think he did for a long time. I think it probably started when we split up last year. Who cares! Lol.

    Yes, we are truly in love and are perfect for each other in most ways. I put up with so much crap that no-one else would, because I believe in return he loves me unconditionally, will look after me, make me feel beautiful so to have one of those damaged severely really fucking hurts.

    My ego would not have been damaged quite so much if they had all been completely random photos. The hurt came with Miss Bianca Beauchamp. Hundreds of photos of ONE woman. Apparently it was a torrent package. I guess this means someone else is obsessed with her, bundled it into one package and thats what pet downloaded. Its still not very nice to see hundreds of photos of the perfect woman on your beloveds computer.

    Give him a final chance and how many would that be?

    Ask him why it happened he doesnt know. (You all like that one when you dont want to admit youve done something wrong!)

    MasterG youre an interesting one to talk to. Lol.

    Xcite I do (sort of) understand what you mean. Although I wasnt addicted to porn as such, when I first found the internet, and then chatrooms, and then Gor (oh purlease!) I could not tear myself away from the computer. I guess that was some sort of addiction. The children were tiny so I could get away with living in my alternate life while they napped and played. I knew something else was wrong with my life, and thats what made it acceptable for me to live in this other world, but I would never have admitted it was a problem.

    I think pet was as shocked as I was when the porn surfaced. I dont think hes looked at it or downloaded any in a long time going by the download/modified dates.

    Overall, this whole issue is not just down to the porn. I am increasingly more aware that I cannot run this house by myself. Pet cannot help for 2 reasons, 1, hes never been trained to do it! 2, Im the ultimate perfectionist and nothing is ever good enough.

    I am deeply panicking about going back to university and failing at the Masters. Im sure I got in by accident, they must have had to fill in a space or something. Anyway how am I ever going to cope? I cant see the floor in most rooms, or the sides, there is laundry everywhere and (because Im an idiot!) Im trying to decorate the kidss rooms! (Thinking if the kids rooms are decorated they may not spill into the rest of the house and I can keep it tidy!)

    The whole root of the issue is that I need support. Im exhausted (arent I always!) and that makes me emotional.

    There is also this very odd logic that if pet wasnt here, my life would be easier. Thats because hes very distracting. I want to cuddle up to him, go shopping or go to lunch with him, have sex with him, play Xbox with him all instead of doing housework or homework!
     
  18. MasterG63
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    MasterG63 Senior Member

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    When there is just SOOOO much to do it is easy to give yourself a distraction & because there so much you just dont know where to start! :cry:

    Make a list of all the jobs, delegate some to others in the house (kids are capable of tidying up if given small tasks one after the other! :squigglemouth:

    You are not the only person living there so it is not your sole responsibility to sort everything & everyone out! :wink:

    Tackle the house one room at a time & do not go on to the next room untill that one is done, it is like walking - you can only put one foot in front of the other, try to move both at the same time & you get nowhere!! :tongue:

    Do I need to come down there & take charge of ALL of you?? :xd:

    You have to get through today to get to tommorrow so "on your marks....."

    Good luck!
    xx
     
  19. newsub4a
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    newsub4a Senior Member

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    Excellent advice masterG!

    MW... wow... well, you are obviously overwhelmed with, well, everything. Since everyone else is giving out advice i suppose i will toss out my two cents...

    Trying to force a D/s lifestyle on an unwilling participant is not going to work. Eventually pet will run away.

    You are at a crossroads with your potential life mate. The two of you can either commit to a life together or separate. Great rewards await you if the two of you can work together to form a relationship. Since pet has stopped blogging (partly out of fear of what we might say to him i'm sure) it is hard to know why he did what he did and why he is being so selfish. Sometimes such actions don't require a reason. Men are notably obtuse when it comes to relationship issues.

    At this point your relationship is really beyond help from the net crowd. Get to a professional and work through things. You can not continue to forgive pet his misdeeds (you are not a doormat) and pet can not continue to shirk his responsibilities within the household. Only through open and honest communication can the two of you come together and then, at some point, BOTH of you will have to learn to respect the other and realize that only by being willing to sacrifice your wants and needs for the other person will you come to understand what love really is. I suspect you are closer to this than pet is and if he is a typical guy, he has a long way to go to understand and accept what he must think and do to make things work. Many people never reach that point in their lives that they can make those kind of sacrifices for the person they are with and claim to love.

    Please try to work through these issues in a semi-reasonable manner (i will not say without emotion, because that is impossible).

    i hope i didn't ramble too much...
     
  20. mistress_v
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    I can complete relate to how you feel, I was also introduce to this by my partner, and before that was the sub in the relationship (although always topping from the bottom without ever knowing it was what I was doing), and I don't know if it was because I was young or never confident in his want to be with me that i never really went for it until we were married. Now I still struggle with his lack of commitment to the "lifestyle", I continue to blame myself for this and think maybe I'm not good enough for him.

    Although I have no issue with him watching porn, and never have, I still sometimes question if he enjoys it more because he fancies them more then he ever could me. I also understand how it was the lying that hurt more then the actual porn, and that is sometimes hard for a man to understand. Subby still after 5 years struggles with the fact that I dont mind him watching it unlike most of his previous partners.

    I think one of the main issues I have had is the idea that as a "dominate" woman you are meant to be strong and in control all the time, and I'm still learning to deal with the fact that I cant always be that woman.

    The other issue I have, which I may be wrong but seems you also struggle with, is he introduced me but now doesn't seem that into it as I want to be. I end up wandering why send me on this journey if its not what you really want.

    And maybe I expect to much, when I first started reading up on the lifestyle (and i went over board to begin with) the thought of subby helping out with chores etc was very appealing. I to live in chaos not to the same as you guys as we don't have kids (just one big kid and two animals who all try their best to make life interesting).

    I know I'm not really offering advice and I could have taken the things you said the wrong way, but I feel we have both been feeling similar things and maybe it would help for you to see that are others that struggle in the process of becoming a dominant woman and a sub that maybe doesn't understand the support they need to give to a woman that is developing into a role that they should remember, they wanted and that they need to take some responsibility for starting this process.

    I am also aware that other issues you have are completely different to mine and deeply sorry if anything I said has upset you, or you feel I'm generalising anything.

    A final point:
    This also makes life harder, because unless your friends know all about your lifestyle and are some how involved in the lifestyle, they will never truely understand. This can leave you feeling alone with no one to discuss your relationship issues like "normal" people can with their girlfriends. This can leave you feeling like you are struggling on your own with no one to support you.
     
  21. xcitex2
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    xcitex2 Back from the past!

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    A final thought

    After so many good replies allow me to offer one last bit..
    As a perfectionist myself this can lead to many problems. But the over all tone I read is that you think you are a failure in the relationship, you feel you are a failure in the home, you are scared of failing at Masters (even more think you don't deserve it) I think I could go on but you really and truly need to realize you are an amazing person and while actions always speak louder than words I nor anyone here can give you a big hug so take these words, feeble as they may be, and know you are an amazing person. There are tons of people here would have never gained the relationships, or courage in their own relationship to venture into a very taboo world in the vanilla scenes. In addition you have three kids who I am sure would disagree with you as well. While your dominate role may have to take a break YOU do not. Please Please try and give yourself more credit. Remember confidence is sexy!
     
  22. Mistress Watchful
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    Mistress Watchful Dont believe the hype ;oP

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    newsub...

    Then he shouldn't have started in the first damn place! He wants it, I want it, we just don't know how to get it with all the other stuff!

    Nods ferociously. I have told him to blog every day, regardless of whether or not it's interesting, or if it will get him in trouble. It's a small rule, but it's a start. Yes... there is a punishment!!!

    I wish this was easier in the UK. And I wish we could fit it in... but for the meantime, I trust you lot!

    Mistress V...

    I'm glad we're so similar. I don't really have "porn" issues, same as you. I encouraged pet to want to look... so I still don't get why he kept it secret. Idiot!

    Absofuckinglutely! I am willing (and wanting for myself) to do all the wonderful tease and denial, setting up scenes, punishing him, wearing the outfits... BUT I need the time and the energy to be creative, this means he HAS to play his part by helping to create a relaxed Domme, not a stress-head! One day... they will understand this!

    Never! It takes a lot to upset me, usually it involves deceit.

    We need to get together for shopping and coffee!

    Thank you so much for your comments Mistress V.

    xcite...

    My complete downfall! :bigsmile:

    Oh... funny thing today Honour sent me a new catalogue, SPECIFICALLY for larger ladies. I'm sitting there thinking "how the FUCK did you know I gained so much weight!?" LMAO! Unfortunately the site only shows skinny-minnies in the outfits, the catalogue has models my size, and they still look hot!

    Anyway, I think I will treat myself to some proper, larger lady fetish wear. Maybe that will boost my confidence again.

    Thanks for stopping by people. Oh and if pet doesn't post on a daily basis, feel free to give him hell. :xd:
     
  23. Mistress Watchful
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    Mistress Watchful Dont believe the hype ;oP

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    Oh... I also forgot to say, yesterday pet put on the Lori device and took photos. Today he sent it back and (as far as I know) emailed Ms Lori with comments.

    To me that was enough of a sign that he is still a willing participant.
     
  24. PuppyMastersPet
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    PuppyMastersPet Long term member

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    I haven’t put my two pennies worth in yet. The other respondents have pretty much said everything. I was also a bit reluctant because I felt for pet in a way. It brought back memories of when Master slapped me, not in a Master way but in front of people, I told him if he ever did that again we’d be finished. I hate violence in any form and as I’ve lived through years of parents arguing I hate arguments too.

    Anyway. Not to sound like I’m judging you. I can see how you got so angry, Master looked up that Bianca Beauchamp and it was pretty vanilla but in a rubber fetish way.
    Not at all what you want to see if you’re confidence is low. I know it would be close to being over if I was looking at naked guys in vanilla poses, saying that any porn at all.

    I hope pet gets round to updating his diary. Let him know I won’t be too harsh.

    I’m sure you can both work through this. It does sound as if pet it’s trying to show you that he is still interested in pursuing a D/s lifestyle. I just hope you can also have a good loving vanilla relationship at the same time, it’s so important to keep the loving aspect in order to retain trust.
     
  25. mistress_v
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    mistress_v Member

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    Just glad i could (hopefully) help. There have been times even in my short time on the site where i have read things you have written and thought "thank god its not just me" so its nice to repay the favor :xd:
     
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