Our lives under her rule: a sissy's diary of a FLR

So, my new cage arrived today. Believe it or not, my other one was still too big.

Here's the link: https://www.amazon.com/Happygo-Convenient-Hypoallergenic-Stainless-Virginity/dp/B01JWH64TM

I'd show you pictures, but I had to hand over the keys immediately after trying it on. The last one, while comfortable, kept rubbing one spot and causing a sore, and had too much length.

This one is so tiny she burst into laughter at the sight of it, laughing so hard she actually apologized for it. "I can't look at it with a straight face" she explained.

I don't have my hair bows yet, but they're coming, I've been assured. Still spending every day with a pretty French manicure, and my toes painted.

 

Cocklette nothing... She just calls it a clitoris now, and even said "I think my clit's bigger than yours, actually".

Possibly the most emasculating thing she's said yet.

 

No, mine is bigger, but as she told me "Some girls do have big clits. You're not a man, not with that clitoris between your legs"

 

I'm not allowed to touch mine until she touches hers...and even then, I think I may be forbidden from ever touching it with my hands for pleasuring ever again.

 

Honestly, I want to be denied masturbation in that way. I really want there to be a day when she tells me that she played with herself, so now it's my turn....then get handed a vibrator and told that girls don't HAVE anything to jerk off, so I don't need my cage removed.

I really want normal masturbation off limits....it's an exciting thought, but it would take some adjusting to. I used to masturbate 2-3 times a day, and being locked up has been difficult.

I'm not ready yet for full denial of traditional PIV sex, and neither is she. It's just too important to both of us. I actually managed to save myself until marriage, so I was a virgin when I first met her. I'm not ready to say goodbye to that kind of intimacy forever.

 

I do want her to find a bull at some point. I know to her there's no replacing me, but it'd be nice if she could have a hunky, well-hung man for a change, too.

 

Hey all!

So, a big update after a long absence. Pardon the length:

Still being feminized, though the lines have shifted a bit as we've gotten used to things. Paddling has taken a break for now (sadly; we both enjoyed it but there's not been time due to life's happenings), but we're approaching a year of FLR and she's not interested at all in relinquishing power and going back to equals. Whatever else happens, that much is permanent: I'm now the little girl of the house and she is in charge. There's very little "ordering" or "forcing", because her attitude is I willingly chose to become this, so she's not going to endlessly pretend to twist my arm into it: I chose to be a little girl, now own it and live it. This isn't why we stopped paddling: she still uses it once in a blue moon for a punishment if I've been really disobedient or difficult and she just plain enjoys doing it (which she discovered for the first time since we started this). We're discussing adding it back in once things settle down, just as a routine: we both enjoy it for different reasons.

One thing that shifted is her declaration, earlier on, that I would be living with both the pluses and minuses of being a girl. Whenever I dip my toes into trying something new, she essentially locks the door behind me. She doesn't allow me to treat the ways I'm feminine at home as something I can take on or off: I'm either a little girl or I'm not, and since I picked I have to live it and deal with it.

"You don't get to pick and choose what parts of being a woman you deal with," she told me, "You take the good and the bad"

I don't get to skip doing something because it's tedious, or stop wearing something because it's uncomfortable. While I wasn't a sexist before this and was quite empathetic to women's daily hassles, this has opened my eyes even further.

What do I mean? I still wear women's slacks and jeans, as well as garters and stockings daily. Stockings keep my shoes from smelling, which means I have to deal with wearing hose even if it's tedious. I have to try on and buy my own jeans in stores; she'll pay for them with me, but shopping for my own clothes means dealing with the arbitrary and shifting sizes of women's wear. I started waxing my legs to be more comfortable in hose and wound up having to keep my bikini area smooth and my armpits as well. I could go with shaving (but it grows back too fast) or even laser hair removal (too expensive for now, but she is fine with me doing so if I am fine with living with it).

I bought a comfy pull-on bra and camisoles to wear under my shirts, but when she caught me she was disappointed in my going with something so comfortable and only wearing it sporadically. I now have to wear my bra every day when I go out (work or otherwise), which means wearing camisoles daily as well to hide my bra lines, and from now own I'm only permitted to buy underwire bras. She knows this as "getting dressed in the morning", and now so do I.

We now go get our nails done together with monthly mani-pedis. I get a french manicure and she gets fingers to match her toes. We change up colors for seasons/holidays (just did green & gold for St. Patrick's Day, doing pastels for Easter after our next visit). I don't get to remove the polish early and have to live with chipped nails or finish. I have stuck with my metrosexual explanation if questioned about it, and people for the most part haven't said anything or treated me differently, though we agreed on my not wearing makeup anymore (I found it pointless after applying, and we both didn't like the risk of people asking questions about it).

I now also use scented powder, deodorant, and body mists (ones that smell like gardenia or peaches or honeysuckle) instead of a bar of soap. Between my feminized hygiene routine and foundation garments, I wind up taking longer than her to get dressed and ready to leave.

Out in the world I'm basically "playing pretend" as a grown-man, which is why when I come home I end up so thoroughly feminized and regressed. At home I am still called by my normal name, but otherwise I'm spoken to like a little girl: she won't refer to me as a "man" or even "boy", I've been asked more than once when grumpy if it's my time of the month, and feminine terms are used in describing me (like "diva" or "drama queen" if we're arguing, referred to as a housegirl or "Betty Crocker" when cleaning or cooking, etc.). Recently, since it was winter and I was cold in all short sleepshirt-style nighties or negligee types, I asked if we could buy me some fuzzy pajamas or a onesie (in an effort to meet her halfway). Instead, to keep up the rule that I'm not allowed in pants at home, she bought an incredibly girly throw blanket for me to cover my legs, along with a rainbow-colored stuffed animal I was to start sleeping with and told to name.

I'm now undeniably the more feminine of the two of us, in how I dress at home and what I wear and do to get ready to leave. My panties are all very girly patterns and designs and my nightgowns are very feminine, and while I don't have to have her personally approve my clothing purchases she has made it clear if anything is too boring or not girly/juvenile enough it will be thrown out on sight.

Cuckolding, while a hot fantasy, is probably not going to happen: we're both very private and cautious. I don't see us going the munch route for now, and we're not doing hookups with strangers, so it's not likely to happen. Note that neither of us has ruled it out, we're just not actively making it happen. She has a full hall pass with only one condition: to notify me either beforehand or as soon as possible after. Now, she's not the sort to bed a random guy out on the town, but she specifically wanted to make sure that, if the day came when the opportunity presented itself, it would be okay to act first and call later. So, she kept the option open.


I know all this sounds like a fantasy come true (because it DEFINITELY is! I am so lucky to have her for a wife!), but it hasn't been without its trials. Without going into a lot of details, my wife views this arrangement as part of the give and take of a relationship, and she has told me she agreed to it because she felt before this I was giving all and taking nothing, and she felt guilty she wasn't doing "more" for me. Becoming the Queen of my castle was a big gift, but it means some ongoing changes.


We both have had to adjust to our new roles, and she has said for her that means essentially getting used to life as a single parent: she doesn't view me as a real man anymore, but rather as the girl she was left with by her ex-husband before he ran off (but I still have to earn my keep). The fact that, through no fault of her own, she now has a marriage without a man does sometimes irk her, but she has assured me that she isn't holding me to a second set of rules: she has to take the good (being in charge, no chores to ever do, subservient hubby instead of annoying macho man, freedom to be herself at home and not be called a bitch or ballbuster or whatever, etc.) along with the bad (no man at home, only a sissy girl). She consoles herself that vibrators and her fantasies are good enough, and reminds me that I'm still not permitted to play with myself at ALL, even if she does.

When it bothers her she will snap at me with cutting, emasculating lines: reminding me I'm not a real man, musing aloud about calling one of the men who flirts with her and fucking him, sending me to bed early with my stuffed animal (or making me retrieve and carry it); she even mentioned the possibility of having me castrated and my penis removed one day because "I handle myself better anyway". Although I do enjoy humiliation they do sting since my emasculation is very real: she's made it clear that she will mostly be pleasing herself going forward, with the possibility of being denied any sexual contact at all (because she's "not sure [she] wants a little girl kissing or fondling [her]" and "[she's] not a lesbian or bi"). That is considered my negative to get used to and accept: being emasculated and reminded of my place.

Chastity play itself has taken a break for now, mainly because I'm having a hard time finding a device that fits comfortably. The metal one I have it too heavy: it fits well, but the weight pulls too much. The knockoff Holy Trainer I had fit well, but it burned when wearing: I'm hoping if I save up and buy a legit one it won't burn anymore.

I'm actually going to try and buy a belt type device like the slim sissy belt from Fancy Steel. I'll be buying a cheap Chinese one to start, see if it works. If so, we might end up using that: she wants me unable to touch my testicles OR shaft when locked, and I want something to smooth my crotch, as that would be the final humiliation: 24/7 chastity with a vulva instead of a bulge in my panties, so denied my masculinity I can't even see its silhouette anymore.

Anyway, glad to be back! Sorry for the rant, but there was a lot to cover.

Please ask away any questions!!

 

We do occasionally have sex (once every 2-3 months, vanilla and no pegging), but we've discussed scaling that back: little girls don't have sex, after all. We're discussing going to only one orgasm guaranteed per year, with others as special surprises when they happen. She's warned me it's entirely possible that, aside from rare times when she's in a romantic mood, I could find myself not only locked up and denied sex or masturbation, but I might be denied romantic affection as well most times: forbidden to fondle or caress her, restricted to hugs and innocent kisses, etc.

We bought a hollow strap-on that I've used in place of my own a few times, and she's enjoyed it without me altogether a couple times, but I don't have any toys of my own. She's considering letting me buy a vibrator of my own to play with (so I can only play with myself like a girl), but is leaning more towards that I'm too "little" for sex and denying it completely.

 

I doubt I'll be given a toy or free rein to play with myself, even as a girl. Though I suspect she was just teasing when she mentioned castrating me, she sounded serious enough it might be a real outcome. I told her that if she had me castrated, I wouldn't be able to perform sexually for her anymore and we might as well remove everything; she replied "Okay, your idea then." When I protested that she couldn't be serious, she shrugged it off: "Why not? I can sate myself perfectly well, and it'll get you that much closer to being a little girl".

She later clarified that she wasn't looking into it...because nobody in this country would perform the surgery. That's not exactly comforting.

 

I've fantasized about the idea, but it seems too extreme to carry out; I especially worry that without my testicles my excitement and enjoyment of this will suddenly die off (since this is, in effect, what turns me on instead of vanilla stuff, so without a sex drive would I cease wanting to be a sissy?). That would be catastrophic: permanently and drastically emasculated but unable to enjoy it and unable to undo it.

What surprised me is her bringing it up despite my never having hinted about it. Sometimes her mind can be devious (she saw a porno where a maid had to serve a group of guests while wearing a butt plug, and considering putting me through that just so she could find out what it felt like without doing it), and when that happens it catches me off-guard.

If it happened, I think I'd have to request some very major modifications beyond that: sculpting my penis head, skin, and scrotum into labia, clitoris, and hood. No entrance though; again little girls don't have sex so I only need to look the part. I'd also want body-sculpting to have some minor hips, butt, and slightly tapered waist and little (a-cup) breasts: if I'm losing every last piece of my former manhood I might as well be able to look cute in girly clothes (and it would be that much more emasculating to see myself curvy and snipped in my lingerie but forced to dress up and play "man" each day). It's such a massive alteration I can't imagine it being done without accepting up-front how much it would change things.

Personally, I'm fine with a sissy, vulva-appearance granting belt. Something that looks like this:

https://fancysteel.com.au/collections/male/products/sissy-mens-chastity-belt

(planning on buying a Chinese knock-off to try out before looking into a custom made one based on that eventually)

It's the same outcome without the long list of side effects: smooth vulva appearance, no possibility of sex or playing with myself.

 

So, a little backstory: We'd taken a break from chastity because I had trouble with long-term wear of my device. We're not overly strict on my chastity, and without a device staying on the honor system is almost impossible for me. Yes, I know some of you can be chaste without a device, but I'm not that strong (men and women are strong, but we sissies are weak). So far, every device has had to come off due to not working long term. The last one, a small metal one, worked fairly well despite being a touch heavy, but it still prevented me from being able to masturbate 99% of the time. With me out of it, I do masturbate, but I try to limit it and she's tolerant of it so long as she never sees or notices it.

Now, I'm a plus-size sissy, and about a week ago I was pouting about my figure and mused about locking myself up until I reached my weight loss goal, as a way of motivating myself. She took me up on it, much to my surprise, and it's now been an entire week I've been chaste. I have at least two dress sizes to go.

The plan is to order a new one to replace this one, so I can truly be kept indefinitely locked up. She had told me at the time that I'd better start losing weight or I might never orgasm again.

Yesterday, she proved some seriousness to her threat. I was shaving her legs when she informed me she'd spent part of the day using the strap-on I've worn for her as a vibrator, and had several orgasms without me. Normally, when I shave her legs, she doesn't wear panties and I can enjoy the view as part of my treat, but this time not only did she wear panties but she pulled her nightgown over them, blocking my view entirely.

That day later included a trip to the nail salon, where in addition to picking out a shade of pink for my toes for Easter colors, I got my first acrylic french manicure. Unfortunately, for me, the tips ended up longer than expected: my usual more subtle manicure is now a set of short, but VERY obvious tips. It's much more feminine than before, and while still short it's long enough to trip up my typing slightly.

She snickered during the entire thing, not worried about the consequences since they're my hands and feet, I'll be at work with them. Part of the deal is living with it, they're too expensive to take off a day later. Later tonight I'll be waxing my legs as well.

 

Just a quick update, we are at two weeks in on my renewed weight-loss chastity. It's gradually been settling in how far this has all gone:

- My hands have been noticeably manicured for weeks now; I've had to explain myself many times, and no doubt been noticed but not questioned dozens more. I've had to re-learn how to do many simple and mundane tasks, like type or put on hose or clean the house, even belatedly investing in rubber gloves to protect my nails (my wife teases me, but in my defense a good manicure IS expensive, and she's always encouraging me to take better care of things...)

- It's been over a year since I wore men's briefs, and I truly never will wear them again, it seems. While she hasn't flatly said that, she did reply "when you act like a man maybe you can dress like one." My nightgowns have grown increasingly feminine. I do like that my clothes aren't fetishistic sissy wear but actual cute nightgowns and chemises, and comfortable but pretty and feminine panties.

- She still refers to me as a little girl, more often even when not teasing or deliberately indulging me. Just a matter of fact reminder that that's the reason why she'll be going to be alone, dreaming of a real man instead of me.

I'm both excited and scared to see how far things will go. Weekly spankings resumed as well, with yesterday the second week in a row, so I have a long summer ahead of me.