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Open up as time goes by?

Discussion in 'The Tower' started by Jandmyqueen, Jul 10, 2017.

  1. So, I opened up to my Queen, about my chastity needs and showed her my cage and why I needed it. (Constant masturbation without her knowledge.)

    I've worn it for a couple of weeks, and she seems tolerant but not really interested in it. We've had sex a couple of times and my orgasms have been intense which she loves, whereas before, I may not even cum when I was constantly masturbating.

    She is open to the idea of me wearing it for a day or two before sex so that I may build up to the big event, but I would be looking for longer stretches.

    Do any of the women at CM have similar experiences in the beginning? Did things eventually change to a longer time frame? I'm worried that I will get back to stroking on a regular basis until it's time for caging but that I won't be up to performing as well as I have by long term caging.
  2. I'm not a woman but I think my past experiences can be helpful. Its noble to want to quit masturbating and give that control over to your significant other. But trust me when I say this, it will only work if you go at her pace and let her control the situation. If you predicate chastity on your desires and fantasies it will most likely blow up in your face or not live up to your expectations. Sure things will not likely go the way you want, but thats typically what happens when you give up control. Give her the control and let her decide how it will play out. Eventually she will realize the benefits and determine how long is appropriate. When she genuinely sees the benefits, effort, and sacrifice you make for her she will hopefully repay you many times over. So give it some time, don't force things, and don't worry about how "others" practice chastity, let her own it in her own fashion.
    PouchPantyLover and mwsubmissy like this.
  4. @Jandmyqueen@Jandmyqueen, its hard to say how things will go. Thats up to you two to figure out. I just know from my own experiences. I had chastity as a fantasy for almost 2 years before I finally asked my wife. She said yes and then I threw a million different fantasies at her and then got upset when things didn't go my way or she wouldn't do what I wanted. After a while we decided to call it quits on the chastity and now things are worse then ever. After reading up on the successful accounts/couples in chastity I've noticed that it needs to be the woman who leads. So anyways, thats my 2 cents
    Jandmyqueen likes this.
  5. I won't say it's the same, but my kh initially only agreed to be my kh because she liked me a lot and was willing to give it a try.

    She really had no interest in long term lock ups, and really doesn't still. What did change is her attitude towards her needs to unlock me.

    At first she unlocked me almost every night with full orgasm. Then as time went on, and her orgasms with my mouth, fingers and toys grew more common, her feelings of obligation to unlock me dwindled to none. She eventually saw my orgasms as a treat for me, and her orgasms as an expectation and requirement of service to her.

    Once she was guilt free, my orgasms were less and less often. She also apparently noticed my attitude became somewhat surly after an o, and I wasn't my usual subbie self...this does not go over with her very well anymore. So for her own desires she has limited my orgasms...not for mine.

    Give it time and she will figure out what she likes best, and how she wants to approach it. Some I have heard do not want the burden of holding a key or making those decisions...too much like babysittin. Mine didn't see it that way because I never bugged her about it once. It's on till it's off...although she has asked me to beg a few times, and by god I actually did.

    Good luck, don't push, ya never know how someone will react, after a taste, she might even get to the point of feeling slighted if you're not wearing it. I know mine wouldn't go back without a fight lol.
    ineverknew and Jandmyqueen like this.
  6. My experience was a bit different from yours. I, too, started off using it as a way to stop masturbating, and that was the extent of my intentions for the chastity device. But my wife was actually the one with hidden feelings about it. She wanted full time chastity for me as soon as she saw me wearing it, but took a while to open up about her feelings.

    While that may seem like every man's fantasy (or at least every man in this forum), I actually doubt it would have been any easier if it had been me with the with the desire trying to get my wife to acquiesce.

    Working through things like this are a work in progress. I would love to say that it was an easy path for me to accept what she wanted and make the decision to really commit to it, but it wasn't all easy and it took a long time to get to where we are now (nearly two years into our journey).

    Be patient with your wife and do your best to see things from her perspective. You both might be able to discover something about it that she really enjoys.
    ineverknew likes this.
  7. I am almost done with my 5th year of chastity and being locked up 24/7. Only this year can I truthfully say that my wife has embraced Key Holder 100%. I no longer need to coach her or agree to an orgasm schedule. She had taken over our sex lives. She started as sexually submissive and it only took her 5 years to be dominant in bed. I am a very patient man. :)

    First off I do not recommend surprising your wife with a chastity device. I have never got any girlfriend into S&M by bringing out a single tail whip or cane. I started with playful spanking when I lost a bet (on purpose). For chastity I simply asked my wife to have sex but not let me orgasm so I can see how intense my orgasm would be next time. Then I put on a great show for her when I did orgasm. I would thank her for denying me but not when she let me orgasm. I altered my behavior so that I was energetic and very attentive to her when I was denied.

    It is simple positive reinforcement. Life and sex is good when denied and not so good after an orgasm. When my wife wanted me to go longer on the honor system, that is when I told her I would need help to keep my promise and take a look at this which is being used by wives to prevent their husbands from masturbating and keeping them constantly aroused and attentive to them. She told me to get it if I wanted it but did not get involved as a KH for a month or two. I cannot remember but even when I gave her the keys I could get them right back just by asking. It started to feel like I was playing chastity by myself and my wife was just a spectator.

    That changed as we took baby steps. I bought her a few ebooks to read but she skims and cannot get through an entire paragraph. We would set aside time each weekend to talk about chastity and what works or not. Then we would adjust accordingly. For instance, playing chastity denial games at the beginning is useful because it alleviates the natural guilt you wife will have by denying you an orgasm. For most women, a man's orgasm is like fireworks after they hit a homerun. The problem comes when the game is in control of your chastity, not your wife so you need to wean yourselves away from the games at some point. We also tried rules but they got complicated, forgotten about and my wife said that they read like an instruction manual. If I did this, she was supposed to do that, kind of thing. We dropped all rules and just had one, my wife makes all the rules and does not have to tell me what they are. She can change them without notice. That removed a lot of the control from rules and me, and basically let my wife have control and do things anyway she wanted to, even if it was an orgasm every two weeks. It took a long time to get to where we are today. I am amazed when new members post about buying a chastity cage, wear if 24/7 from day one and their wives instantly change from loving wife to cruel dominatrix with the click of a lock.

    Try taking baby steps. Do not jump into the deep end of the pool to learn how to swim. If you want it to last, do it gradually and use positive reinforcement so that she sees the tangible benefits of chastity. Over time subtly have her learn that denying you gives you pleasure 24/7 while an oragasm gives you pleasure for only 10 seconds and then days of feeling low energy. Good luck.
    keephimcaged, markp and tomf_22033 like this.
  8. Mistress Jules

    Mistress Jules Professional Dominatrix and Owner of Lockit
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    Oct 27, 2013
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    As the only female so far to comment, I would say that when I read about male chastity, I hadn't found this site, which is probably a good thing.

    When I was doing my initial research I was under the impression that lack of orgasm made the male more like Prince Charming. More romantic, more willing to pay attention and more interested in learning and loving his partner. This to me was like the holy grail, as it would have been for many females.

    Sadly it turns out that really it's not like that at all and it is just another sexual fetish where all the guys can think about is their sexual satisfaction.

    The above two statements are I think the two ends of the spectrum, luckily @lockit@lockit and I are somewhere in the middle. Most women now wouldn't get the more romantic information I got as most sites have been taken over by the fetish information and guys talking about their devices, how horny they are etc.

    If you can give your partner the more romantic version of chastity rather than the dog in heat version, I think you may find she will be more enthusiastic in a shorter time scale.
    joe01, gary170, Jandmyqueen and 5 others like this.
  9. This was a big struggle for us at first and still can be. I can get pretty irritable if I don't get enough sexual attention, and adding chastity was like throwing gasoline on a fire.

    My wife wanted me chaste so bad, but couldn't understand why I kept having mood swings every four or five days. I tried to explain to her that I need more attention from her now that I couldn't masturbate or derive my own sexual satisfaction in any way. This went on for a long time, well over a year.

    She finally caught on that I have kind of a cycle of 2-3 days before I need some attention. If I'm being crabby and irritable, if she thinks about the last time we made love, it's almost always more than 3 days.

    For someone who is trying to get their wife into this, you REALLY need to watch out for all of this. Being a horny jerk is probably not going to a big turn-on for your wife. And acting all romantic isn't easy when your body and mind are screaming at you for sexual attention and your frustration has you bursting at the seams.

    Good luck on your quest. It's not an easy road, but if the two of you can work it out, it can be amazing.
    Jandmyqueen likes this.
  10. Newbie here,
    I wish I would new about these comments earlier. I have probably acted as a horny dog in my 5 day test in cage. Now she leaves me unlocked for three weeks. As you said I will have to be very patient with mine. I have noticed that that one time I didn't come she was sort of disappointed. Although she had several orgasms. It looks like the quilt. Hmm.. Gonna have to figure out lots of details and encourage positive reinforcement. Hope she will get there at some point. Still don't know if I should actually tell her the fact that I would like to locked up. It would be amazing if she would take that step, but it might be just too early for that.
  11. @Qveik@Qveik, keeping her in the dark about your fantasies will not help either. Open up to her. Let her know you would like to explore this together as a couple. I know one of the things my wife was upset about was that I didn't include her from the beginning.
    boisub likes this.
  12. Ok, I'll be more open about it. She's vanilla and don't want to scare her off.
  13. Thanks, I have actually read this before we have bought HTv2
    But she was never really interested reading anything about it.
    Have suggested some ebooks, like the ones from Sarah Jameson etc.
    She e just won't read it.
    You guys are so lucky to have found a life partner who understands.
    I hope it will change with time.
  14. My wife does not like to read about anything sexual. She considers it to be like pornography. She did read a blog I shared with her once, but that was it. She said she liked it, but it got her too excited and she didn't like the distraction.

    The only thing that seems to work for us is good old fashioned discussion.
  15. That would be my only option soon or later. As my wife is exactly like yours.