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One sided - any advice?

Discussion in 'The Pedestal' started by At all Times, Oct 16, 2017.

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Should I persevere with my submissive desire to be controlled in a WLM?

  1. Keep going

    24 vote(s)
    100.0%
  2. Give up

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  1. I can’t promise that things would be the same for you, but I really started seeing changes in my wife’s attitude toward sex around the 3 month mark, and even more around 6 months. Once she realized I would seriously commit to chastity long term it seemed to relieve her of a lot of doubt and mistrust.

    Of course with your wife being concerned about your safety, it might be difficult to go that long. My wife did have some concerns at first, but I just kept reiterating that I was not in pain or being hurt by the device.
     
    danleft1 likes this.
  2. To be frank, I have never understood my wife's reluctance to want to arouse tease and deny me, knowing that it is something that I like so much and puts here at the very centre of my desire, the object of my need to worship and adore. But then the same goes for wearing nylon stockings. Take my avatar of example, I can't think of anything more sexy and feminine than a woman wearing a shortage skirt sheer stockings and sling backs. I know for sure that if there was something that I knew turned her on and she wanted me to do, I would do it because I would enjoy turning her on. I know women's minds don't work like men's, but even so. I thought all wives liked to be the object their husbands desire. Also bear in mind that it's not as if I'm suggesting anything to outrageous or kinky.
     
    danleft1 likes this.
  3. I agree with @Shepherdsflock@Shepherdsflock my wife will often say "you can just leave it off and take a break" after for example I had removed it to shave after a week - 10 days ... I'm beginning to believe it is her was of saying that she is really saying "I want a break from being the one in charge" ... which for me doesn't make a lot of sense but I've noticed she seems more relaxed that day and the following day.
     
  4. Mistress Jules
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    Mistress Jules Professional Dominatrix and Owner of Lockit
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    It seems to me that you have almost everything you wish for apart from sexual teasing. Your wife has accepted your desire for chastity and your desire for submission and a WLR. Yet you are still not happy, you want more. You want your wife to tease you, arouse you and then deny you.

    To me it seems that your wife has given you most of what you have asked for. I have to say I agree with her. To have given you so much of what you have desired and still have you wanting her to top it all off with keeping you sexually aroused cannot be easy for her. A great part of her life is now taken up with your desires and yet you want more.

    Many women do not care about being the object of their partners sexual desires 24/7. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to feel desired but to feel that we need to be sexual all the time is not something we want. The last thing a female needs is when she is home from work or taking a bath and their partner is panting like a dog in heat showing how horny he is, or looking for sexual attention.

    If that is your constant focus I think you will push your wife away rather than bring her into your fantasy. If she feels that you are focused on her as a way to live out your sexual fantasies she may well be feeling objectified.

    Women like romance, romance her, stop looking for your fantasies and try and help her feel less objectified and more loved.
     
  5. I agree 100%, turning off the "sex" and focusing on the intimacy / love / romance help tremendously.
     
    At all Times likes this.
  6. Thank you Mistress Jules, I think I really needed to hear that. I hear exactly what your saying, and when put like that it makes me out to look like a self absorbed male only interested in his own pleasure. In my defence, I only get to experience the sexual high of being teased and denied maybe once or if I am lucky twice a month, so maybe only lasting a few minutes, no more than 5 in any one month. For the most part our relationship is very normal and enjoyable, we do everything together and remain very much in love after 30 years plus together. That said, I do appreciate what opportunity I have been given, and that iy may not be that easy for my wife to understand. I will do my best to remain loving devoted and attentive to my wife's needs at all times, and cherish those moments when I am made to feel so submissive and subservient that I would do anything to please my wife.
     
  7. @At all Times@At all Times I wish you the best of luck and hope that you and your wife find a way to make chastity work for both of you. I understand the frustration you're feeling and the want for your relationship to move forward and I hope it does.

    It's hard to visit the mansion and read about others relationships and their kinky sometimes extreme antics. it makes me envious and want what they have so I can have those experiences too. I've had to stop reading others blogs in order to focus on my mistress and her needs and not worry about what other people are doing. Yes, I still want what I want but when I don't have it in my face all the time I don't think about it as much and I think about what my mistress likes. I'm not giving up what I want or what I like per se but I'm not going to worry about it until I see our lifestyle progress to a point where it's okay for me to ask/suggest trying new things. This is just a way of thinking that helps me out and then I'm reminded that this is about my wife and not for me.
     
  8. I think you have two issues.

    1. Not enough erotic activity in your marriage. That's not strictly a kink issue. It might be worth looking at factors affecting her libido, e.g. work and money, and sleep (lack of). You might also find that adding more intense kink might actually kick-start her libido.

    2. You gave away too much "for free". I don't mean that chores should be traded for kink, so much as that it's better to offer kink and discipline as a way to get chores done. My advice would be to ask to introduce a demerit system to reflect quality of chores etc, and that she spank or discipline you accordingly.
     
  9. Maybe you need something more like a keysafe so that she doesn't have to decide when to let you out. You can ask her how long to set it for and if she doesn't want to decide, tell her you will set it for maximum time. She may be more interested if she feels that SHE is being denied as well (by the keysafe) and she may actually feel more like playing if she knows that she cant unlock you if you get too excited. It takes responsibility away from her as well. Or maybe get her to leave your key at work and only bring it home when she wants to let you out.
     
  10. Thank you for your comment WWS. I have to agree with your suggestion that viewing and hearing of other peoples exploits is not necessarily a good thing, as it fuels your imagination too much and can lead to unrealistic expectations. Having said that, I think it's worth taking many stories and letters with a pinch of salt, many I suspect the result of a furtive imagination or desirous mind, not all together always reflecting reality.
     
    Wonderwomanssub likes this.
  11. Giles thanks for your suggestions.
     
  12. When I first introduced my wife to the idea of keeping me in chastity, I suspect like many others I started out with the concept that she would keep the key and only let me out when she wanted. I gave her a key but also a spare sealed inside an envelope, only to be opened in emergencies when she was not around. That was before I began wearing the device, and realised that I would need access each day to keep myself clean. As I was aware that my wife was not 100% behind locking me up, I didn't want to put any additional pressure on her, or pester her to keep unlocking and locking me. I have always therefore has access to a third key for cleaning purposes only. My wife tolerates me locking myself into a chastity device, she tolerates without much reference to it other than the odd poke or rub with her foot, that I am wearing it for reasonably long spells, but as I say in my opening post she is not very proactive where the device is concerned, and to be honest I don't think she would welcome the responsibility of being my sole KH.
     
  13. Well 21 to zero in favour of persevering with my submissive desire to be controlled in a WLM, seems to me like a pretty clear vote in favour of continuing my submissive desire to be totally and utterly controlled by my wife. Whilst not currently in a chastity device, I remain obedient and devoted to my wife at all times. I am sure that when she is ready to move forward, I will be willing to submit myself and do whatever it is that she decides for me.....
     
  14. I didn't vote as I'm not sure. I'm in a bit of the same quandary although my wife is much more active in our FLR or WLR than yours. Never the less I've been feeling more and more in crisis recently about the same decision. Do I keep on doing all that I do, keep my penis locked away if I'm not feeling it. We had a long talk and I explained to her that I have a submissive fire burning in me that drives me to serve her. The thing is that her dominance is the fuel to my fire and without fuel....

    I am not one of the people on this site that believes the service is it's own reward. I believe my Mistress deserves my service because she is my Mistress. I obey her because she commands me. There is a yin and yang to this, it is not (at least for us) one sided. That means at times she does things she might not want to do, but she does it for the end result of a positive relationship for us. It's like working out. Most people don't always love getting exercise, but they understand that it's necessary to meet their health and fitness goals.

    I am also not one of the "NEVER TOP FROM THE BOTTOM" crowd. How do we expect our KH's to learn what we like and don't like. Like she's suddenly going to understand how far to tease you? What the exact right time to stop is? Or any of the other multitude of potential scenario's and learning curves that go with this lifestyle. I believe you can be a submissive and ask for something.

    I'm going to keep going because I know the alternative is worse, but it doesn't mean that I'm going to give up on trying to change the parts of our relationship that make me struggle. I will put her happiness and pleasure before my own, but it doesn't mean mine don't matter at all.
     
    At all Times likes this.
  15. I happen to fall into the rare group where she took to this quite easily and fast(don’t hate lol). And I do try to keep my posts geared towards our sexual adventures and new routines...there is always part of reality that doesn’t make the cut.

    I do post about those too, but usually separately, and for your information, not as well received lol.

    Sometimes she gets turned on during the day and tells me we are going to do ____. Then she is too tired later. Sometimes she just wants to have sex with me and have it last more than 30seconds. Sometimes we have a tiff, and you wonder why there is a metal cage on your penis. Sometimes life, or schedules just make all of this a bit much. Trust me, it’s not all 24/7 cracking the whip and finding ways to make things hot. She’s my partner, and we rely on each other for many things and female domination doesn’t even get near the top of the list at times.

    Sexually I believe she is more submissive, and is turned on by being used. But through some experimentation she has found several activities of the D/s that get her totally hot and she now loves(spanking me). The trick I believe is to let the part of this that she enjoys to be front and center, and eventually trial and error will weed out what works. I wasn’t into spankings or maid service, both hard limits, turns out that she gave them a try and since she enjoyed them I have begun to enjoy them. Some things I wanted her to enjoy like pegging, (not because I enjoy it but because It’s very submissive) she tried a few times, and since she hasn’t done it since, she must not like it. That’s ok. I read of couples here that have gotten to where they can both cum from it, and yes I’m a bit jealous, but it’s not what is on her menu so we will eat something that is.

    Don’t be discouraged by couples that seem to just fall into this. It’s usually a give and take, and I know for us, we all have times where this takes a back seat.
     
  16. Thank you @Nicoftime@Nicoftime for your comments and advice. At the moment, I find myself unlocked and not encouraged by my wife's attitude towards anything remotely FLR or chastity play. She is going away with girl friends next weekend, so it will be interesting to see if she makes any suggestion that I should be locked while she is away. I'm trying very hard not to "ask" or hint that I deserve to be locked and thinking only of her while she is away. I can already imagine the scenario whereby she orders me to lock up and leaves me at home with a long list of chores to do while she is away relaxing and enjoying herself. Whether she can do this knowing that I am at home, locked and in service to her, remains to be seen.
     
  17. Mistress Jules
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    I find it rather sad that your wife is going away with girlfriends and you are focusing on how much fun that would be for you if she made you lock and gave you chores. I would think she would be hoping more for the attitude of - you go have a great time sweetheart, it will be nice for you to have some girlie time. I shall fix that broken shelf whilst you are away. Have you got enough money, do you need a new outfit etc?

    Instead you are thinking only of yourself. I am sure your wife knows this and is probably feeling that you are looking at her more as someone to fulfil your sexual fantasies than someone to share life in it's entirety.
     
    Mascara^Snake likes this.
  18. If you could summarize her point of view - what would it be?

    A 10-year record of disappointment and unfulfilled needs does not bode well for changes. People often get married for economic, social, friendship, or support reasons -- which effectively bury your romantic needs in the ground. People can either negotiate these unmet needs, bury them, or get divorced. All in all, it's a high wire act for the unhappy person.
     
  19. I'm under no illusion that my wife concedes what she does to me out of love and affection for me and our 30 year plus marriage. I agree that we walk a very high wire, she not really wanting to encourage me too much for fear of it taking over our marriage completely, and her becoming someone that she is not, and me, unable or unwilling to open up and ask for things that she would find too much to give.

    At present we seem to reached an impasse, with neither of us wishing to back down or go forward. For now, I am keeping quite and not "demanding anything", just hopefully giving her as much of what she wants from me. Hopefully, as time goes by she will come to appreciated me even more for who I am, and grow ever more expectant and demanding of me, keeping me locked and denied.
     
  20. Thank you @mistressjules I know that you are right to a certain extent, but I do do all those things that you suggest for her and more. As far as her feeling that I am looking at her more as someone to fulfil my sexual fantasies, well yes I am, isn't that true in any relationship? Other than maybe in those relationships were either party turns to someone else outside the relationship, by which I mean cheating on them, most partners would much prefer to share their sexual fantasises with their wife or husband. I liked to feel aroused, to be kept teased & denied, possibly locked for a time, I like to feel controlled and dominated in a loving and caring way. I don't believe I am asking for too much.
     
  21. @PouchPantyLover@PouchPantyLover Many thanks for your considered comment. Well unsurprisingly you are not going to get any adverse comments back from me because I can only agree with what you say. "service is its own reward" is certainly not, if there is no expectation, no encouragement or pleasure taken from its provision. For couples that don't openly and freely discuss their relationship with each other, and I put myself in this category, "topping from the bottom" in moderation is a good way of gauging reaction to a suggestion and/or communication.
     
    PouchPantyLover likes this.