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One sided - any advice?

Discussion in 'The Pedestal' started by At all Times, Oct 16, 2017.


Should I persevere with my submissive desire to be controlled in a WLM?

  1. Keep going

    24 vote(s)
  2. Give up

    0 vote(s)
  1. For the best part of ten years, I have been trying to make ours a Wife Led Marriage, one in which my wife enjoys and encourages my submission. I enjoy, more then anything, to be kept locked teased and denied as a way of encouraging my continued submission, including my subservience. To that end, I am now expected to serve my wife, carry out most of the domestic chores, cleaning, shopping and laundry. On a more personal level, I am responsible for washing and cleaning her underwear and maintaining her shoe and boot collection.

    On the surface, this to many may seem like a perfect relationship, one which they may even fantasise about. So why am I looking for advice? My wife is very vanilla, is not particularly interested in sexual stimulation. Since introducing her to the concept of a WLM, we no longer have PIV sex, preferring me to stimulate her orally about once a month, while I am only permitted self masturbation in her presence when she allows.

    I have tried my very best to make this as much about her and giving her what she wants, as it is about me, and resisted any temptation to try and suggest some of the more extreme sexual fantasies that I hold such as sissy maid, punishments and bondage, all of which I would like to try.

    Despite this, it still feels very one sided, with me doing all the giving and her only treating me to tease and denial, or making me feel as though she really wants this by verbalising her demands, once or twice a month, and then only for a few minutes at a time. Although locked, on and off for the last eighteen months, I rarely feel that she cares much either way, and only tolerates my chastity, rather than encouraging it. I know that she loves me very much, which is probably why she won't say "no", but equally she won't say "yes".

    Above all else, I guess what I really want is for her actually enjoy keeping me teased and denied, locked and in a semi permanent state of aroused desire for her, and to encourage me by more regular tease and denial.

    Anyone else have any thoughts or experience of the same situation?
  2. I'm sorry to see your plight.

    Bottom line is "be careful what you wish for". What is happening is what our situation is all about... it should be about her and not you.

    You're still trying to top from the bottom.

    You need to accept whatever happens whenever it happens. Its her rules.

    Sounds like you've got it good actually.

    Enjoy whatever comes your way whenever it comes. Meanwhile carry on worshipping her.

    Keuschling likes this.
  3. I agree. In our female-controlled marriage, my topping from the bottom is absolutely forbidden. If you truly want to be her submissive, it's best to let her decide what she's comfortable with. My wife insisted on total, unquestioned control as a condition of our remaining married. That makes it easier for me.
  4. It sounds like the two of you need a chat.

    Continuing to act a certain way that you aren’t getting anything out of, and her not showing any inclination for is not a recipe for success.

    Does she know of your turn ons? Does she know what you get excited the more controlling she is? This may have all been new to her and she may only be doing it to please you, that doesn’t mean she can’t enjoy herself. That part is up to you and your communication with her.

    You say you’re not having sex often, does she use toys? Does she perhaps get herself off when you’re not around? Just because she doesn’t get off with you doesn’t mean she doesn’t have sex more than you think.

    When you two have talked things over, really being honest of what you both want, both of you can get a game plan of how you would like to proceed.

    Good luck
    MadamBelle and Keuschling like this.
  5. Does you being locked mean much to your wife? If it does, then I encourage you to continue being chaste for her.

    I have had this problem several times in the two years that chastity has been a part of our life. My wife will have brief periods where she is playful and interested in sexual stuff, followed by long periods where she just has no interest. But I kind of forced her to talk to me about it (she never likes talking about sex) and she said she still enjoys knowing I’m locked up even when she has no interest in sex.

    I would recommend discussing with her what value your chastity has to her. If she really doesn’t care one way or the other, then it’s one sided and you may as well do whatever you want.

    I she expresses a genuine fondness for your chaste state, then you really should continue being chaste for her.
  6. I know that your right of course and I agree that I probably "top from the bottom" more than I should. I just get so desperate for a reaction, some independent sign from her that she is actually enjoying my submission, and that she's not just going through the motions, so to speak.
  7. Thanks for your comment. At least you understand, albeit rather extreme, that your wife has made it a condition of her unquestioned control that you do not "top from the bottom". Glad that is working for you.....
  8. Thank you for your comment and suggestion. The answer to your questions is yes, yes, no, and very unlikely. Probably our biggest problem is that we don't talk about such things. I have tried to explain in the past, and certainly "verbalised" my feelings in a written form on several occasions. If I am being honest, were probably in a situation where were both afraid to hear the truth from each other. Don't get me wrong, we are very much in love and have shared our life together for more than 30 years. The truth is that I don't want to hear that she doesn't want my submission, preferring a "normal" relationship, and she is frightened to commit to a WLM, fearing that I will want to take it way beyond a point that she is comfortable with.

    In my own defence, I have tried to make this as much as possible about her and what I can give her, and have only ever suggested that she keep me teased and denied, maybe locked for periods "earning" from her permission to be unlock and release myself.
  9. After two weeks locked, a bit disillusioned about the lack of response from my wife and being a bit sore, I released myself from my device last night. Although my wife will have noticed that I was not locked, she made no comment or attempt to question why. For the same reason given in my response to Nicoftime above discussion is not likely to come easy. If said had questioned me why, we probably would have had a conversation about it, but as is her way she just ignored it.
  10. If it did, then I would assume that my wife would encourage me to lock up more often, she has only ever instigated me being locked once in the last two years. As I have somewhere else recently, she doesn't say no but she doesn't say yes either.

    I know that many will think that the answer is probably staring me right in the face, and that my wife is "tolerating" my chastity and the whole "WLM" thing, because she loves me and doesn't want to offend or upset me. For this at least, I am grateful and should be more grateful.

    I think that I am left with very little alternative, other than to just accept that my submission has to be on her terms, and that if a lack of acknowledgement or encouragement from her is how she wants it to be, then I have to accept and just live with that.
  11. now that is true submission.
    Keuschling and At all Times like this.
  12. To make any WLM work, the wife has to want to dominate her husband. It took decades for my wife feel confident enough to assume complete control of our marriage. I sent signals that I was happy to submit, but she had to be comfortable with taking on the role. What was most encouraging was that she quickly embraced it and expanded it to where she demands my absolute obedience. I would have given anything had this been a condition of our marriage from the start but I understand that it wouldn't have been possible. But I am grateful that she rules me now and I am fulfilled and peaceful. It's all about patience. Good luck.
    At all Times and Penney like this.
  13. I think each situation is different, and the evolution can take a long time. My wife nor I would never have imagined a WLM marriage, I don't think the term was even in common use when we were married. Like demale it has taken decades for her to feel comfortable in the role, and for me to embrace it. I think it works for each couple in their own ways. I'm sure my wife would not be interested in going back to a more male centered relationship. Once your wife sees the benefits of being in charge I'm pretty certain it's going to evolve in the direction you wish, it just takes time.
  14. thanks@penney for your comment and advice. I am sort of encouraged by the fact that quite a few couples seem to take years before the wife or girl friend really takes on a more dominant role in the relationship. I'm going to keep going, keep submitting, and being attentive and devoted to her pleasure.
    Penney likes this.
  15. i think that your Mistress does like what you do else She wud say something to you. if i don't do my work proper Mistress soon tells me. so please don't worry cos you must be doing it ok.
    danijean001 and At all Times like this.
  16. For us we needed to break apart the pieces of chastity / FLR / domme / Sub / etc ... and then define what each of us was actually interested in ... while it is still a work in progress, breaking it apart allowed us to come to "middle ground" that we both get joy from ...

    as an example: She prefers to please me (in simple terms more sub than domme) and I prefer to be teased and edged with no release ... so it was realized that her teasing me WITHOUT letting me cum was actually more pleasing to me then for me to orgasm ... I like / prefer the frustration ... she then realized that this was fun for her to "please" me and the more frustrated I became sexually (in any way) the more she was pleasing me ... which lead to the conversation that my wearing a cage reminds me all day that I have not orgasm and that frustrates me and that is pleasing to me ... so she went from not caring if I was caged to preferring it because she wants to please me and this is something I like ... so her submissive preference is playing a controlling role and so she enjoys it, because emotionally it feels right to her

    That is a very twisting weird way to say that everyone is different and communication and compromise is the key to both being happy.
  17. I can relate to your situation and I understand your frustration. At this point since you are uncertain where you both stand in your relationship it's time to step outside of the world you want to create and have a real conversation about it. Not just about sexual expectations but what's going on in both of your lives. Sometimes when we've been together with our partners for so long it's easy to overlook when there's an underlying problem or if they have a problem they haven't been talking about. Sometimes they don't even realize they have a problem until things erupt. In my wife's case everything came to a head for her and she was so ridden with anxiety she couldn't sleep for 4 days until we got she got a prescription for some xanax and then an antidepressant shortly after that. My point being is there might be things lying under the surface that might be causing a general lack of interest in your chastity and sex lives.

    Really talk to her and see how she's doing if there's anything going on thats effecting her life that maybe your unaware of. From there if it seems right ask her how she really feels about chastity and your wlm and if it's something she truly wants to continue. If she doesn't want to continue then discuss why with her. Remember to discuss and not to argue keep things even and comfortable for her and be understanding.

    If she does truly want to continue chastity then express your feelings about her lack of involvement and how that effects you. Prepare yourself, she may just be into her benefits and not into the sexual side of it. At this point you're either going to have to come to grips with accepting her level of involvement or come up with some sort of a compromise where you both gain something and give something up.

    If she says she's doing it only because you want to do it, that's a much harder situation. You can still talk to her and ask if there are any parts of chastity that she does like and if so then ask her if she's willing to give it another chance and build on what she does like. If you want to continue chastity it will have to be on her terms and your topping from the bottom will have to stop.

    I too had certain expectations when I asked my wife to lock me. I pushed so hard for what I wanted thinking it was best for both of us because I had more knowledge of the lifestyle and she would be happy if she tried it my way. I irritated her very much in the beginning with my constant critique. Lucky for me she very much likes chastity and knows I'm a better man when I'm chaste so we continue but now it's on her terms which much to my dismay is very vanilla. I think if I would have just let her run our chastity lifestyle how she thought it should be run we'd probably be a lot further a long then we are. She might have been more willing to try the things I wanted if I would've just been more patient and encouraged her differently. Not to mention all the stuff that's happened in the last 3.5 years in our lives mostly effecting her.

    My wife is now going through her 2 year masters program that has her working 12 hours a day 6 days a week plus doing some sort of prep on her "day off". She doesn't have much time to share with me and when she does we're just happy to be together. Before she started her semester we agreed that I should be locked 24/7/365 with releases no sooner than 3 weeks at a time and locked back up immediately after release. This was my suggestion to her after I'd inadvertently gone that long because we had a very busy end of our summer. We both saw how much more submissive and subservient I was to her after no O's for 3 + weeks. So I made a promise to myself once I realized how much more motivated I was after being denied an orgasm for so long. I am going to serve her to the best of my ability and make her feel like the queen that she is. She has never been so stressed out in her life with school but has never been happier and more content with our relationship and it shows little by little through her actions. We're talking baby steps here but her inner domme comes out of her shell a little more everyday with my obedience and servitude.

    I work my ass off for her and she knows that and appreciates that. I have no right to ask her to focus on her domme behavior towards me with her level of school work. Now after she graduates and there's a lot more time for us then we can focus on improving and taking our chastity and FLR further. I owe her my hard work and devotion and will continue for her. I do expect rewards, no one can keep up this level of hard work without some sort of payoff beyond her holding the key. But when that time comes I'll be much more prepared in how I ask my mistress to take our relationship further and perhaps even try some of the things I'd hoped for from the beginning. I might be told she likes how things are, at that point I'll have to make a decision if I want to continue, I'm doing a lot of work and I think I've earned her efforts in trying to take things further. Then again things might just work out for me if I keep working hard for her and keep my mouth shut.

    It's hard to know what the right answer is because we're all different and have different motives, wants and desires. What you need to figure it is what your wife really wants out this type of relationship and build on that. It may or may not be what you want or hoped for, then you'll have a choice to make at that point. If I can say I learned anything from my chastity relationship it's that if she's not holding reins it's not going to go anywhere.
    At all Times likes this.
  18. Giving a key to a vanilla wife is like casting pearls before swine.
    At all Times likes this.
  19. Does your wife want a submissive husband?

    In my own experience, my wife does not want a submissive husband (except in the matter of chastity). She wants me to be a man, to lead, to take charge, etc. The only thing that could be seen as a desire for submission is her desire for my chastity. And even that is something she doesn’t want to be in charge of.

    Sounds like you and your wife need a good long discussion about needs and wants in your relationship. There’s nothing wrong with that, nothing to be ashamed of. My wife and I know each other as well as any other couple that’s been married for 9 years, and we still have to have these conversations. In fact, we just had one two nights ago. Even in our situation, where we both know my wife’s desire for my chastity, we drift over time and lose our focus. How much more could that be said for you and your wife since you are not in agreement.

    I’m not trying to tell you how to run your marriage, but just trying to point out that you and your wife need to find some common ground from which to start this journey together rather than you going alone.
    At all Times likes this.
  20. Thank you @danleft1@danleft1 for your comment and advice. I'm afraid that what you describe is what I thought would have happened when my wife understood that keeping me teased and denied was so enjoyable for me, better in fact than an orgasm. It followed therefore that once she knew that I preferred tease and denial, that she would enjoy giving me what I enjoyed. Instead, for a long time I was always encouraged to orgasm each time I had pleasured her orally. It was as if, as always in the past, my orgasm must follow hers, and that by denying me was in some way cruel. I'm beginning to believe that it was more about giving me an orgasm so she didn't feel guilty and wouldn't have to bother again until the "next time".

    That said, we have progress a small way, but rather than her giving me what she knows I enjoy most, she now feels the need to ask me "what's happening?" at the very moment when I crave denial. Again, I put this done to her wanting the decision taken away from her and put on me, so that she doesn't have to feel bad about denying me. I could or probably should ask her why she can't or doesn't like keeping me denied, but to do so would potentially lead to hearing something that I don't want to hear.

    I know that that sounds stupid but I'm so desperate for this to work, I'm afraid that if we openly discuss this it could break the "spell" forever.
  21. Thank you so much for taking the time to give me your thoughts and experiences on this subject. I know that you are right, and must try harder to just accept that my wife must lead her way. Anything less would mean that she were only doing things for me and not for her, something that I defintley
    Wonderwomanssub likes this.
  22. Thank you for your comment. I do realise that open communication would be a good thing, and at so many levels my wife and I are at one. Our differing levels of libido however have always been an issue for me, but not one that has overly bothered me in the past. Ironically, it is only now that I wish to remain teased and denied, that I think my wife's low libido has impacted on her desire to see me in a more submissive and devoted role.
  23. We have had the same issue. My wife and I always had radically different libidos.

    I’m just curious, what is the longest you have been locked up with no release?
  24. Ours was the same ... and still is to some extent. Again it is a forever work in progress (at least it is for us) especially if your KH does not naturally gravitate to a domme type of role.

    Another example: My KH is actually more likely to tease / deny / initiate something when I'm locked, because ... then she feels less pressure to allow me to orgasm. When I'm not caged it is a constant struggle for her to deny me.

    For me I have had to as everyone always jumps to here as an extreme NO ... basically top from the bottom ... I do not want to do this, but my KH wants a manly man and that takes charge initiates sex and take her when he wants her (very sub like) so we have had to try things, see if they work, see if they actually feel right for both of us enough that we can continue doing them (which has rarely been the case), and adjust them to try to get to a place that works for us both.

    But to give you hope, this is my current status ... last full orgasm 38 days ago / last ruined orgasm 32 days ago ... in that time I've had 5, 30 minute tease sessions while caged and 1 un-caged. We are getting there ( I want more tease / denial , but it does not come natural to her, so we work at it) and you can too.
  25. Three weeks.....!! Not that long because my wife gets worried that being locked any longer may damage me in some way...