Not all one way

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by UKdomF, Jun 25, 2020.

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  1. UKdomF
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    I'm not sure if I have got this wrong or if my idea of a FLR is different to other people's.

    I have been chatting to quite a few people of all sexes and ordination in my quest to try and understand as and as much as I can before I agree to commit to anything. Knowledge is power and all that.

    When I have asked people about their experiences of a FLR or KH and I've been surprised at how many men have said that it's all about doing what their mistress wants or all about pleasing her.

    Now I completely agree that a womens (or anyone else's) pleasure is important, I feel like I'm on my own in thinking that I should be putting in as much effort at the man. I don't see been a KH as lock the cock and fuck off. If anything I would want to put more effort into their sexual desires just so that it would increase their frustrations, in turn, massively turning me on. I would take great satisfaction in making my man as horny as possible but not allowing him to cum until I allowed it, and not always having a happy ending.

    Am I on my own or does what I think not fall into the FLR category?
     
  2. Isopropylforyou
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    FLR and Key Holding is like a buffet. You pick what you want, how much you want and what works best for you. This is your relationship. Run it how you want and how you please. We won't judge. In fact this is the most accepting community I have ever been apart of.

    Welcome to the Mansion.
    Relax. You are among friends.
     
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  3. subweiser
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    subweiser Junior Member

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    Do what feels right to you. There are no rules that you need to adhere to, other than the rules you personally set.
     
  4. Rectrix
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    Rectrix Active member

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    I think the two work together. Keeping him excited and frustrated increases his desire to serve you. I think this "it's whatever she wants" line is somewhat fetishistic, it's a relationship, he wants to make you happy, you want to make him happy in his service.
     
  5. Xileh
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    Xileh Happily Serving

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    It sounds as if you know exactly what you want. Run with it.

    And, what you want, is what most men would die for. I predict you are going to be devistatingly successful.
     
  6. yorkie
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    Sounds like a perfect FLR to me, if having your man kept frustrated and horny turns you on then he should be happy with that and accept that any hope for release is totally at your discretion.
     
  7. tvalex
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    tvalex Active member

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    You can make it whatever you want.
    My wife keeps me locked because I have a far higher sex drive than her.
    In turn it makes her more sexually charged by teasing and being in control.
    We both win
     
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  8. anasyrma
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    anasyrma Active member

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    I think this is the essence of FLR.
     
  9. MaidAdrienne
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    MaidAdrienne New member

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    I'm looking for a female Daddy who'd treat me as her submissive female. She'd be the man of the house, I'd be the wife. It would be a complete role reversal. Lots of desires on my part which Master would be very kind to fulfil, as well as me obeidiantly serving her.
     
  10. CagedJohn
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    An FLR is different for everybody, and you're right that communication is a key aspect. But every couple is going to approach it and carry it out differently. If everyone's needs are being met (by their own definition), then we should all encourage and support that relationship.

    That being said, any man would be extremely lucky to have you!
     
  11. Mrloched
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    100% it takes two to tango.

    I think for the dominant partner the work is more mental. How can you get in your subs head and push their buttons?
    Depending on your kink, part of that can be maintaing an illusion, that you are a stone cold bitch. It takes real planing and commitment to keep your sub stimulated. With bdsm we play at the edge of fantasy and reality. It definatly takes a lot of effort on both sides.
     
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  12. MRS.Lilith
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    That really depends on the type of domme you're talking to. My husband is my most cherished person in this world, and we started chastity out of my desire to realise his fantasies. I had been a switch before so I was able to go from sub to Domme and through our journey together we found that we want to keep it the way it is now. With me as Domme and him as sub.

    But because I cherish him so much, I want this experience to be as pleasurable for him as it is for me. I sure get benefits like a daily massage and more dinners and gifts I like, but in return I make sure I edge him frequently because he loves that and he gets my full attention at least three times a day.

    I decide when there will be a scene or a bigger play setup, but I never forget his wishes and dreams. He is my number one and always will be, sub or not. So yes there are definitely more dommes who think like you do.
     
  13. Disciplined Boyfriend
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    There's no right or wrong way to do this thing. Every couple does what right for them or what they want to do.

    Georgina Ivey Green has this book https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Set-Ge...593158335&sprefix=georgina+ive,aps,152&sr=8-2 which describes a couple of ways. In particular there's a check list for both to complete and compare i.e. I want my partner to initiate all sexual contact (always / mostly / seldom / never) and I want my partner to make all the financial decisions (always / equal / never).

    Ultimately it depends on your personalities and how far you want to take it. I'm happy to share my own experiences and how they differ from the ideal model I've got in my mind.
     
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  14. Jblocked
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    Love the way you think all travels are best with someone
     
  15. MissyB
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    Hope this thread has made it clear that you can proceed with FLR as you wish. Good luck and enjoy.
     
  16. sextudent
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    Very interesting reflection. I agree that being a good mistress may be much harder than a good sub. I fear you already pointed out the 2 main problems of the FLR with chastity relationships: mistresses that cage the man and forget him completely, subs that want to top from the botton (something I tend to do and I should avoid)
    After trying it several times, this constant state of tease, denial, frustration and rewards is difficult to maintaint but it is one of the most pleasures activities when both the mistress and the sub work every day to keep the fire burning
     
  17. LukeVallentine
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    To each his own. Some subs enjoy being sort of ignored or depersonalized/dehumanized, becoming, in a way a "thing" for their tops, while their tops enjoy interacting with such subs.
    I tend to agree with you, simply because your opinion falls in the category of common sense. Empathy is the key, and simply because a sub surrenders one's rights in the bedroom, doesn't mean the relationship should be any less mutually fulfilling.
     
  18. Ormaz
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    FLR may include chastity, but chastity does not have to involve FLR. Chastity can be part of many things, including vanilla. It involves sex that is centered around you, your needs, your body, your pleasure, and not the male's. Guys fantasize about, but they realize they can't achieve it without chastity.
     
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  19. MsObeyance
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    You are not on your own. I am very much aligned with your thinking.

    For me personally, nothing gives me greater pleasure and arousal than the tease, the denial, the frustration of a caged and tormented boy. Along with his submission and desire to please me.
     
  20. allfullup
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    [dons armchair cultural anthropologist hat]

    Lifestyle, n. 1. any habits of social relations, consumption, dress, and recreation that are important enough to significantly influence the lives of a sector of the population, and hence can be used as a basis of social classification.​

    The Leather community has been usefully compared to the Catholic Church, strictly as to their position as advocates and promoters of a particular narrative, and a code of behavior and norms of consumption nominally based on and supporting that narrative, and in the rich, ornate cultural systems that have elaborated around them, even venturing into mysticism (what Leather people call "woo-woo" or just "woo"). @Isopropylforyou 's post even gestures toward cafeteria Catholicism, but with a tolerance more appropriate for an intimate relationship not open to the public. These features are evident in other lifestyles such as gynarchy and cuckoldry, a generation or two behind Leather in their development.

    O Miss Pearl, a treasure among FLR writers, gave a most sensible definition of the D role, as the expectation that the s-type bring their half. I love it. It's simple. It's factual. It captures the very essence of the led-relationship dynamic. It's free from fetish faptrap, free from prescriptive contamination by oddly specific deontologies and the elevation of roles over human relationships. I'm happy to recommend her.

    So, no, don't take the faptrap seriously. Fetishes only need one hand clapping. Relationships need two, and sometimes three.
     
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  21. krystalasbaby
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    krystalasbaby krystalasbaby

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    To me from a submissive sissy your way of thinking is correct. If you were to just lock me up and as you say fuck off then for me there would be no reason except my own self pleasure in wearing one, and that would wear off quickly i might add.
    You wanting to keep your man's horniness and desire for you at it's peak yes please tease him and when you want his piv it will give you both the pleasure you are looking for
     
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  22. CagedNight
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    @UKdomF
    Any relationship, a flowing water, a river. The water in the water can be fluid it your decision on who the water flows, weather it be running in a damn for concrete, an already made structure to flow through. Or making its new own path, that up to you are the Water Archmage, you choose how it flows, reacts, moves, and behaves. By your will.
    Miss UKdomF.
     
  23. sissydavenport
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    sissydavenport Locked sissy sub / spouse of Mistress Davenport

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    It flew under the radar, but I appreciated your thoughtful response here. Thank you also for pointing out about fetishes. Fetishes are where the object has power and can be done alone. Kink requires a connection between people.

    Also, as an aside, for U/us the Leather community is the closest thing it feels like we have to a community. It's O/our de facto pride flag and the one that was hanging on O/our house (before it was torn off [for what I have to believe was due to enthusiasm in order to continue living here without losing it). To play into your cultural anthropology diction, Femdom is so siloed. Everyone is alone and it's so private and in the shadows, which means every time there is a new relationship, somebody either must reinvent the wheel (which is difficult) or mirror what the Internet discusses (unreal and largely male-driven).
     
  24. starflyer
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    starflyer Junior Member

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    yes ....keep your partner horny and frustrated, locking me in chastity and panties worked for us
     
  25. billzboats
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    billzboats Member

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    I think that you are perfect. Since I have given my wife the authority to control our/her sexual frequency, her orgasms have become very special. PIV is sometimes allowed after she has been completely satisfied. She likes her toys. After she gets off,she rewards me in one way or the other.
     
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