No Orgasm Blues

Discussion in 'Chastity and orgasm denial' started by Carls.not.dead.yet, Oct 4, 2017.

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  1. Carls.not.dead.yet
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    Me and my Wife\KH have been using chastity for several years on and off and the thing that makes me spoil it is the no orgasm blues.
    Meaning, I can either be locked in chastity or on honour, but after about about two weeks and if my Wife\KH decides she doesn't want to do anything sexual because she's tired or in pain from her condition. I get the blues and throw my dummy out the pram.
    I know it's me that is at fault, but can't seem to get over it. This spoils the whole chastity experience for both of us and we stop doing it.
    Does anyone else have this?
    Any ideas to combat this?
     
  2. Jamie's-Locked
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    Jamie's-Locked Long term member

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    Well for the whole situation as you phrased it, perhaps a bit more patience on your part concerning her interest/feelings/conditions. Not saying you're doing anything wrong other than being anxious as most of us are.
    If you're asking how to handle being locked with less attention than you want, I can only suggest more patience. After I finally introduced Ms K/H to the idea and she accepted it, we increased my lockup time slowly but she and I have had very little sexual interaction for several years anyway other than her occasionally wanting oral from me. At one point she did seem to get the idea and kept me locked 24/7 for 43 days. She felt guilty and let me out while I was secretly wanting her to continue my enforced denial. I pressed her gently to let me lock back up and she half heartedly relented. After a month or so, she handed the key to me and, call it topping from the bottom, I told her straight out that I had a fantasy of being kept locked for a year. She stared at me for a long moment then asked if I thought I could handle it. I told her I doubt it, but I felt pretty sure if she put her mind to it, I would have to. From May 8th 2016 to May 8th 2017 I was locked pretty much 24/7 except for cleaning while locked in the CB 6000's I had or, once I moved to the steel chinese device, to just switch to a smaller one. I was out for about 24 hours then locked until August 11th. She handed me the key and told me to enjoy my vacation. Less than 8 hours later I had locked myself back up. I've been locked since.
    The main reason I seem to keep myself and urges under control was the result of my asking a C/D friend who self-locked for several years and asked me to be her key-holder. I asked her how she managed to stay locked like that, especially since she lives 3 hours away.
    Her answer? "One day at a time."
    Sorry to have turned this into a novella. Three more paragraphs and it would have been a novel. ;p
     
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  3. Guest 3729
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    Guest 3729 Long term member

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    @Carls.not.dead.yet I think a lot of us have been in your shoes at one time or another. In my situation I was telling my kh that it was all about her and what she wanted. In my mind I thought that there would be tons of tease and denial, strapon etc... when I would get none of this I grew irritated and discontent, I didn't want to serve her or be her slave because it wasn't going how I thought it should go, it's very vanilla. Honestly for the last year there had been problem for us with chastity and neither of us we're having that much fun but she insisted we still use the device, I didn't want to give it up either because I still liked the idea of it. In the end the problem was me, I expected too much from her and that was unfair to her. I would come to this website and read about others who led much more interesting chastity lifestyles with a lot of kink and I was incredibly envious. I am a very sexual person as to where my mistress is not, but my mistress does enjoy sex just as much as the next person. So what I needed to do was grow up a bit and change my expectations and be much more patient. I let her know that she is the one in charge through my actions not words. I asked for mistress to increase my lockup times to 3 weeks or beyond and explained why I thought this was a good idea. She agreed and by week two ( which was a week longer than any of my previous lockups) she owned me. In these two weeks she allowed me to get her off twice and she paid no attention to my horniness other than enjoying my frustration the more and more I wanted her. She let me cum after 3 weeks but by that point I almost didn't want to. Chores and tasks she wanted completed became fun and enjoyable because it was making her happy and want to try harder for me. Then in the 3rd week of my lockup I saw my beautiful domme grow just a little bit more. Little things that she would do that convinced me she was starting to have more fun with chastity and enjoy her alpha role. For instance, I came home from work yesterday evening, I pulled into the garage, got of my car and headed for the door. In front of the door to the house was a pile of trash that just looked like it had been thrown from the door onto the garage floor. I looked at it quizzically and then saw a note sitting with it that said "clean this up bitch". My heart jumped a little, she was having fun and becoming more creative in her mistressing. I really appreciated her effort in making me feel like her bitch. It seems small but really meant a lot to me.

    So patience is absolutely key with chastity, also you need to take a good look at your expectations with chastity and with your wife. What you want and what she wants are probably completely different things. You need to be what she wants you to be in order to help her grow and find her inner domme. The compromise isn't your penis getting locked up so she can tease you relentlessly. The compromise is giving her complete control and obeying her wishes 100% and then as she gets more comfortable with her role things will get more exciting. But the key really is making it all about her and making her feel special. This at least has been my experience thus far. We've been practicing chastity for 3 years and I feel like this last month has been the best it ever has been since we've started.
     
  4. filltee
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    filltee Junior Member

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    There is some good advice above about how to gently get yourself to overcome the challenges you have bycooperation after conversation with your wife. by all means follow that advice.

    You may consider this to be harsh.. I don't.
    My advice to your wife would be to say to you, and mean it, next time you spit your dummy out you can throw your cage away too as I wont be playing those games with you any more. Then she should have you self lock give her the keys and not expect her to touch you for at least 3 months though she may have you do for her whatever she wants. 3 months ought to be enough time for you to get into your head all that you need to. If that does not work she could in 12 months time try one more time if she is so inclined and not been pestered, with the same conditions as last time but this time for 6 months. I you can't make it work for you after that then I'd say that chastity play is clearly not for you in anything other than fantasy form.
     
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  5. bondinchas
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    bondinchas Long term member

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    About 2 weeks is when your hormones start behaving differently than how they would if you were getting a regular release.
    It sounds like you've never gotten past that stage, and it needs some work on your part.

    Whenever you get frustrated by your wife not doing what you want, who's not being submissive?
    Look on any discomfort, lack of attention or other frustrating situation as an opportunity to be truly submissive, to wait until the time is right for HER to be ready to do what you need, in fact, why should she? you're the one who wants chastity so you have to accept that it will happen in her own good time. BE submissive and wait for when the time is right for her.

    Believe me, if you accept those frustrations as part of what you're getting with the chastity experience, then you'll enjoy it more and as a consequence, so will she. Don't take this the wrong way, I find it difficult to explain this, it's one of those "when you've done it you will understand" things.
     
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  6. Sarah8
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    Sarah8 My husband holds my collar and I hold his key

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    It sounds like you've been at this a lot longer that me but my hubby feels the same way. We started off with chastity play to spend more time teasing and being intimate. So for us if we don't have time for teasing there isn't much point in keeping him caged if he isn't enjoying it. Maybe she is just keeping you caged because that's what she thinks you really want?

    Communication is the key. Don't be afraid to let her know how you feel. I'm sure you've spent ages telling her you want to be locked up forever and it's totally up to her so don't be surprised if she believes it lol. The important thing is that your both enjoying it.
     
  7. Carls.not.dead.yet
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    Communication is key, but how do I communicate my wants without telling what
    her what to do?
    We have purchased "keyholders guide to chastity" and I know my wife has read it. Perhaps I could ask her to read it again?
    Back to my original question. Patients is the answer. I'm through my initial mardy bum phase and enjoying the lock phase.
    Thanks for replying.
     
  8. Sarah8
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    Sarah8 My husband holds my collar and I hold his key

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    Well a good start would be saying something to her like "Wife, how do I communicate my wants to you without making it seem like I'm telling you want to do?" Then have a conversation about it.
    I don't know how your relationship works or what sort of expectations the two of you have for chastity but for me personally handing me a user manual isn't a winning plan. Maybe it's just me but I'd rather talk though any difficulties we run into and learn our own way of playing with chastity as we go. Basically just finding out what works best for us.

    One thing that helped us have meaningful conversations about how to make our experience more enjoyable was to set aside time each week to talk about how things were going. That stopped him from wanting to talk about his chastity 24/7 and I think it made him consider more carefully what he wanted to say since he only had a limited amount of time to talk about it.

    We set it up like it was a job interview and made a big production out of it by getting dressed nice and all but you can figure out what works best for you. It really all boils down to the two individuals having the conversation and what each of you enjoy and expect out of chastity. Maybe your wife loves doing the things you have on your mind and getting her to do them is as simple as standing in front of her, pulling your cock out, and telling her to get started. But chances are you wouldn't be here asking for help if that was the case. Maybe life happened to her and she's busy and juggling kids, work, food, cleaning, and a bazillion other that's that she needs to get done. Not to mention the haggard and stress out woman is probably desperately looking forward to a few minutes of free time to herself before she has to do it all again tomorrow.

    If that 2nd option more closely resembles your situation then you'd need to approach the conversation in a totally different way than you would the first option. Learning how to talk to each other is like step 1 and a user manual isn't going to help you figure out how you just have to do it and learn as you go.

    It's great that you are willing get online and research ways to improve your relationship but at least for me when my husband started handing me stuff he found online to read it just set off my bullshit detector and I'm thinking to myself did he really just give me fucking homework on how to have sex with him?!?!

    Maybe going into it like a business deal would work for her bargaining and trading for sexual favors. Maybe she's a romantic type and setting up an elaborate plan to seduce her into fulfilling your fantasies is a good options.

    You know her better that anyone else and she's the only one that can tell you what gets her turned on and in the mood for sexy time.

    Good luck!
     
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  9. GoddessMhistina
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    Communication is definitely key. You need to sit down and have a heart to heart on what she truly wants and what the whole dynamic looks like for her. Start off slow and discuss her needs and desires. Before you can have a successful chastity relationship, you need to be able to be truly honest with one another about everything! If you or her have a hard time opening up, maybe you need to create email accounts to begin the discussions and then at a certain point move it to face to face conversations.

    I understand you said she has read the book, and that isn't going to be every relationship. They are all very different. I know mine and my husbands is very different from many on here. We have played with chastity for a couple of years, but have been more serious about if for almost a month. Our focus is on each other and pleasing each other (more so me) but I want to please him as well. I unlock him quite often, not for the orgasm, but for the fun for both of us, we never want to loose the connection we have and in bot of our opinion, PIV is a big connection piece. I just deny him the orgasm, and that is fun for both of us.
    As you know, women have a very different way of thinking then men and she may be playing out in her head her own worst case scenario. She needs to get that out.

    One of the things we did when we started, was I assigned my husband and myself a serious of questions to make sure we were on the same page and had the same ultimate wants. We were and any of those crazy things I made up in my head were exactly that, made up.

    A lot of what you need to do is help your wife understand that she is in total control, help her build that confidence.

    I wish you and your lovely wife nothing but the best in your journey.
     
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  10. Carls.not.dead.yet
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    We are now a little further on this journey.
    we have (the Wife told me to purchase them) bought two steel chastity devices (304 stainless steel Cock Super small/full length Cage Chastity with Anti-off ring).
    First day of wearing them and i can see the difference, between these and the plastic devices.
    It feels much more secure. The plastic device was OK but it had a few disadvantages
    1. When wearing it i would not fill the cage (Grower not a Shower) and my penis would flop around inside the cage and feel like i was not wearing underwear.
    2. the device didn't seem secure (now I never wanted to get out) but i think subliminally i knew that i could easily break the cage (and it did a couple of times) escape .
    3. it was a little noisy when walking around with the lock clattering against the cage.
    4. It didn't take long for it to start smelling.

    this is my first day of wearing the new stainless steel device and I can say....
    wow does it feel secure.
    I have handed over the keys to my Wife and she is happy to be in control. she definetly likes the look and i like the feel, so i think we are in a happy place together. I just need to make it past the two week "Mardy Bum" stage again in the steel cage.
    I think I'm getting exactly what I wished for... Its been a long road, with many bumps, but not pressurizing and communicating is working.
    Here's to the future..
     
  11. Sarah8
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    Sarah8 My husband holds my collar and I hold his key

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    That's awesome! Congrats!
     
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