No choice for me, Reluctant Mistress

Discussion in 'Novices and newbies' started by ReluctantMistress, Nov 5, 2018.

  1. NsToy
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    NsToy Active member

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    I really like this idea.
     
  2. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    From what I gathered from your post isn’t that you can’t Wear the mistress mask, you just don’t want it glued on.

    You are mourning. With his asking you to keep him in chastity “forever”, he’s killing part of your sexuality and you are feeling that loss. There of course isn’t a way to fix it, anymore than someone can fix the loss of a loved one.

    Even if he gives this up, goes back to his dom role occasionally, or takes breaks from chastity, you will know his deep desire to submit which will change how you feel about it.

    So yes you lost your spontaneous jump your bones MAN. You lost that masculine way he took control in the bedroom, and more importantly, you lost the image and idea you had of him. The idea of forever is scary and daunting, and it probably gets thrown around too often.

    My advice is to mourn your loss, take some time to understand what it is that you lost and figure a way to integrate it into a controlled setting. Instead of losing his ability to jump your bones and spontaneous sex, tell him that you are not comfortable with forever and will be his domme for 6 month periods. You could make it 8 on and 4 off etc, any schedule that works for you. I would continue with his needs but acknowledging you have some yourself that you want fulfilled.

    As for hurting him, relax, you are not hurting him and if it got to that point, trust me, he will start howling his safe word and you two can share a hug. A sub will make his limits known, relax and have some fun with it if you can. Humiliation doesn’t have to make sense, I see plenty here complaining about their size, most are over 5-6 inches. I myself would KILL to be that size. Again, have fun with it, even if it isn’t logical. If it’s easier for you, don’t concentrate on his cocks size and talk about how his cock can’t make you cum(it probably does but it’s a possibility more likely than saying an 8inch cock is tiny), say you need a cock that fits better because his isn’t doing it for you etc, you don’t have to say it’s small to humiliate and put him in place like he craves.

    Sorry for your loss, but hopefully you can learn to make him compromise as much as you are.
     
  3. Finn-egan
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    Finn-egan Member

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    Man, this is so heartbreaking because I've seen it many times, and there are aspects within my own relationship(s). I tend to separate the bdsm and chastity somewhat. I've known kink couples who have a 3rd person involved, as the husband or wife was not able to play as hard with the bottom, or that dynamic just wasn't there. Now I find myself in that situation myself, in terms of my wife and I, and my keyholder. Not everyone has a really long term, kinky friend that they trust of course. BDSM wise, I'm a switch (though not with my keyholder) and while I am quite happy to do stuff with a play partner, I'd not be comfortable treating my wife in the same manner as it's just not our dynamic. The same goes in reverse. Like many guys here, we've experimented with the wife as keyholder and occasionally bdsm, but if it's not genuine, it just doesn't work.

    Bottoming is often a great reliever of stress, and a way to give up control. It's also a way, if you're wired that way, to express yourself emotionally to a person you care about, in a way that goes beyond normal vanilla relationships. The problem is that this requires the right chemistry and mental wiring on both parties. Whacking someone when your instinct is to hug, or humiliating, when your instinct is to be supportive, is a difficult leap to make. I do agree with the suggestions to seek marriage counselling, but I would caution to find one that is bdsm supportive or understanding of it. BDSM, to me, is as much a sexual orientation as a kink or fetish, so I'd try to find someone who can work within that framework, rather than to turn away from it entirely.

    For some of this advice, and even to perhaps ask around for a good therapist who is BDSM positive, I'd suggest joining FetLife and looking around there for both those things. The BDSM community can be really great and supportive if you can get past the horny folk. Even going to a munch and meeting some like minded people can be a great support. That website can be a good resource, if navigated properly.
     
  4. Allen1987
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    Allen1987 All for Her

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    Hi @ReluctantMistress . Welcome to the CM help line. As you can see there are many that are truly
    here for you. Many have gone though similar situations. There is something about being truly honest
    with someone, but there is one thing that bothers me.
    I understand, he is getting what HE WANTS. I don't find it very attentive to try to force this upon
    you. If HE wants to submit it will be the way you want. If he wants to be submissive then it
    should be what you say.

    We met when we were 15 also. That was 42 years ago. I do believe I have changed in some ways
    as I have gotten older. I started this in 2012 to show Her that She would always be the only one.
    There was no fantasy, it just kind of grew into what it is now. He should be attentive and happy
    to enjoy you. I look to please Her and enjoy the pleasure I can give Her. I guess it sounds all one
    sided and he should see that it is not pleasing to you. I would give him a wake up call and explain
    what troubles you. You don't need a chastity device to be devoted to someone, you love them
    first.

    With the right person chastity is an amazing experience, but if it is self seeking where do you
    fit in? Maybe I sound a little harsh, you know when you are submissive you feel for the other
    person in a different way. My perspective is he wants this and you want something else you
    need to put it on the table and sort it out. Don't be angry, we grow our whole lives and many
    things change. The one thing to me that has never changed is my love for Her. I hope you can
    reach through the fantasy and let him know what it means to you when he pounces. Tell him
    what you want and make it stick. I hope things get better, love is a terrible thing to waste.
    :strong::love:
     
  5. mafsub
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    mafsub FemDom chastity slave

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    A real dilemma and lots of great advice. My take on it would be: If you deeply love each other each of you should be willing to adapt, compromise and be flexible to satisfy the other. It would be unfair (and frankly quite egocentric) to put the burden and the need to change fully on one side. How about going back to switching on a month by month basis?
     
  6. ReluctantMistress
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    Thank you, all, for your advice and support. Conversations have been held. I am in a much better place today than when I first posted. Thank you.
     
    Allen1987, Breathe, NsToy and 4 others like this.
  7. Rectrix
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    Rectrix Active member

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    Wonderful to hear! Assert your authority and do it your way, it's what he wants.
     
    Allen1987 likes this.
  8. NsToy
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    NsToy Active member

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    That is great to hear. Do you mind sharing the results of how you are going to proceed, or not proceed?
     
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