New and wondering about the right approach

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by nplover, Jan 21, 2022.

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  1. nplover
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    nplover Member

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    Hello everyone,
    I have brought up my femdom desires to my gf many times, even though she was quite reluctant overall. We started with some sessions where she was my Goddess and I was her slave, then we had a full time thing according to a list with obligations from my part and specific sub/domme rituals agreed which ended abruptly when I refused to follow what then seemed as an irrational order, something that made her really mad. Anyway, then we switched back to occasional sessions again. Recently, we agreed to have a sort of soft FLR, after her saying that she feels overwhelmed by the sessions and would prefer a full servitude instead. She said that she expects me to serve her will at all times and not have any demands but as a treat she might think of incorporating dominant actions or rituals that I do enjoy f.e kissing her feet. She knows what I like and that I would like her to be more dominant/aggressive towards me but I'm really excited about her reconsidering and basically trying again the full time thing. My question is should I just give her time to go slowly and explore how she wants her dominance to look like? We have also agreed to orgasm control and she seems to really enjoy teasing me often, out of the blue. Any advice in general about how to behave and make her enjoy her power would be appreciated. Thanks a lot!
     
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  2. M PowerYou
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    M PowerYou Member

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    In a word; Yes.
    If you are not following her if she's going slowly and how she wants to go, then that's not sounding like a FLR.
    If you are telling her what you want her to do, and refused to follow her order before, it sounds more like you're focused on yourself instead of her; and topping from the bottom. If that was without her controlling your orgasm, your behavior may become even more self focused with you pestering her for release. I'd suggest one rule, that you may not ask her for permission to release and more time be added every time you do ask.

    Even though you already have experience and know what each other like and desire, I'd suggest a written agreement anyway to be specific about what you're agreeing to, with rules and penalties spelled out. But if it's really Female Led, focused on making her life easier and more enjoyable, then some of the things you like she may never give you if it's not something she enjoys, and the reverse; something you don't like, for example cleaning toilets, may be a regular task for you now.

    I would also definitely suggest you get in chastity with no release for at least 2 or 3 weeks at first, to get the hormonal and emotional benefits that gives and the extra bonding to your partner it generates.
    Good luck, and try and keep your thoughts focused on Her.
     
  3. LesterBallard
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    LesterBallard Long term member

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    Honestly, I think the question here is not whether she's ready for a FLR but you are.

    Your explanation of how it broke down last time is very jarring. You "refused to follow" what "seemed an irrational order". How is that the response of someone seeking FLR?

    Is this really what you want? How will you react next time you're given an instruction you don't like?
     
  4. Xileh
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    Xileh Happily Serving

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    @LesterBallard nailed it.

    You need to decide; are you submissive, or are you a bottom? Both are fine, but to find satisfaction for you both, you need to know.

    A true submissive will not usually refuse a request unless it is outside of the agreed boundaries or causing unusual distress or pain.

    A bottom may be more resistant. If you are a bottom, and are really into it just for the kink, occasional scenes might be better for both of you.

    Being a bottom, and pretending to be submissive to get kink, is dishonest to both of you, and is unlikely to last as you have discovered.
     
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  5. nplover
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    nplover Member

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    Thank you all for your answers. About me refusing to do something, it is something that I still deeply regret and to be honest it made me understand at that point that I wasn't ready for that kind of dynamic. I think that now I have learned my lesson. Personally, I would prefer to have the occasional sessions thing but if the question is to have none of it or an FLR, then surely I'm willing to try the FLR in the long term, see how it goes and do my best to not let my Goddess down again. Especially the fact that she suggested that this time and knowing that she really wants to have that power over me is an extra thing that makes this whole situation more enjoyable. I am still trying to explore the whole dynamic and what I want from it, so that is why I asked for advice. I understand how I may seem not truly submissive, especially outside of bed and the truth is that I'm not sure about that yet, I would definitely describe myself as sexually submissive but in any case I'm willing to explore it and how it makes me feel.
     
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  6. Xileh
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    Xileh Happily Serving

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    Ok, you seem to be considering the right questions, and you are fortunate to have a willing if at least enthusiastic partner. You are very lucky - she is rare.

    So where does that leave your relationship? I think it would be helpful to consider that a FLR is what your both want it to be. You may have read about them, and fantasized. But the reality is, most are pretty tame. You get to decide what works for you.

    Sit down together over a glass of wine. Pick a day when you both are not stressed. And talk about what YOUR FLR might look like. Perhaps you start out easy and grow over time as you both settle in. The key concept is to make it meet what is important you each of you. Some couples write simple contracts to set expectations.

    It is worth pursuing. Don’t stop. A FLR can be the best relationship you can imagine. And, it grows and changes. But, make it yours.
     
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  7. nplover
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    nplover Member

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    We have talked about it, she knows what I like and she said that she could occasionally ask me to do things that I enjoy but she insists on having no rules at all and that I should have no demands at all. She says that the only thing I should do is trust her, obey her and follow her will, no matter what, in order to prove that I am willing to be truly submissive to her. We haven't said that it's an FLR, she has only read some resources that I have shared with her, so she's not that much into terminology but I think that practically we have a more relaxed/not so strict FLR where she is my Domme and I'm her sub, required to do whatever she tells me, in order to not disappoint her. I would like her to be more dominant towards me or have some specific rituals, but I'm willing to let her explore the dynamic at her own pace, not push her at all and, who knows, maybe these things will come along the way. I think that we should take it slow this time.
     
  8. CabanaJack
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    CabanaJack Long term member

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    I agree that she should have no rules and that you have no demands. On the other hand, you might have all sorts of rules to follow and she can demand anything she wants. Listen to her and let her run with this as she sees fit.

    IMO, there SHOULD be times when you're asked to something that might seem irrational or out of your comfort zone. Frankly, I think that's why a lot of us are here. It's important that she "tests" your willingness to please her. Seeing you act on them will reinforce her confidence in herself and reinforce your submissive admiration of her.
     
  9. madams-sissysub
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    I agree! If you’re in a flr, it’s not down to you to what you follow, and to what is and is not irrational, your opinion is irrelevant, you do as your commanded.
     
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  10. true42
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    true42 Owned member

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    Sounds perfect.
     
  11. nplover
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    Hi everyone, it's been some time. We've been on the dynamic all this time and she likes it, she wants me to obey her at all times, even though she doesn't demonstrate her power out of bed often. Our difference is mostly demonstrated by chores or tasks and it is occasionally combined by teasing f.e once she grabbed me by the crotch and led me to the bathroom to clean th drain after she took a shower. Another thing is related to my foot fetish, she knows that I love seeing her toenails painted, so she lets me paint them for her, asks for foot massages or orders me to kiss her feet, she also did that during sex recently, to my great pleasure. Something new that happened recently and positively surprised me was the following. I was working from home, she came towards me and said that I have been rude, so I need to be punished. She showed me then the riding crop that I've bought for her to use during our sessions and she told me to turn around on all fours towards her. She spanked me several times and asked me to apologize for my behaviour. Then she saw my excitement and ordered me to go to the kitchen and wash all the dishes while she ran the tip of the riding crop over my crotch. Of course I did that instantly. It was interesting because she considers punishments as not really punishments but things that I enjoy. In general, I would like her to incorporate more gestures/rituals like these but I think that she has started growing in the dominant position and enjoys her power, so I think that we're moving in a good direction. Let me know if you have any thoughts about how it is going.

    P.S We're on the honour system, I'm forbidden to have an orgasm without her permission and I think that she enjoys that, she has grabbed my package during sex and said that she owns it. Maybe in the far future, we could also try chastity, it is something that I would like to try at some point, even though I'm not sure if I will like it but I think it's too early to suggest something like that.
     
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  12. Andy88
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    Andy88 Long term member

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    It seems to me tat shes ready for flr but u may b hesitant.. u may enjoy d pwr xchg once a while as in role playing but not on d long run or permanence.. ok, every couple needs som time off to ponder d long term efect on relationship n snap off out of it n reenter again d flr mode if it suits them.. d male ego is a tough nut to crack.. practise d male chastity as wat u hv considered.. I mean doesnt flr n male chastity go hand in hand..? Start by denying yrsef 3wks str8.. during which ofer her daily oral orgasm between her ovulution cycle… while during her fertile period giv yr al during piv if she alows.. she wil treasure yr efort n sacrifice much more emotionaly.. n ready to take further charge.. nib d male mood swings in d bud when orgasm is denied.. chanel d testosterone build up into house chores/diy or d gym.. nothing is sexier than a fit male who has surendered his mahod to his queen…
     
  13. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    Some of your terminology is a bit off track from a submissive. “Let her” “want to” etc. I might be reading too much into this, but it seems like you are very much in charge, and the only question is how far she is “allowed” to go.

    Yes of course this is all consensual, and hard limits need to be established, but it seems like the ultimate power rests with you when you are making all these decisions and caveats. Who’s driving here? It might be her, but you are certainly right there in the passenger seat telling her where to go.

    Part of giving up control is trusting they will do what is best. Does she know your kinks? It sounds like it, so she will decide what is reward and what isn’t. Punishment is especially not something you should not have any input about.

    Let go, trust, and let her drive. You might like the scenery.
     
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  14. nplover
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    Hello everyone, thank you for your comments. I have tried to have no expectations at all and I'm trying to help my Goddess enjoy her power by doing chores, booking beauty treatments for her, giving her foot massages, pampering her etc. I think she has slowly started to enjoy her power, especially the fact that she can control my orgasms. Yesterday, she woke me up and told me to go down on her, asking me if I was enjoying my breakfast while I was doing that. After that, I thought that it was my turn to get some action but after I thanked her for the breakfast she said "You're welcome" slapped my balls and left the bed, leaving me rock hard and frustrated. It was the first time this has ever happened in our relationship, she has also starting making some comments recently about sex being only for her pleasure and not caring for mine. So, I feel that we have started entering a new level of dominance from her side, which see seems to enjoy. She's so hot and I feel blessed to be in that situation, I'm really excited and also I little bit scared tbh about what the future will bring regarding my orgasms but I'm really trying to give her the lead and do as she pleases.
     
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  15. jemima
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    jemima maid for my Mistress

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    well please mr plover i think that She will get fed up if you keeps telling Her what you like and what you want Her to do to you. Ladys dont like being tell.
     
  16. Andy88
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    Andy88 Long term member

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    Glad to have you back with updates.. so your gf has been elevated to the status of goddes..? A goddess is meant to be worshipped.. her feet, her sex and her revered busts.. oh please.. your little unimportant dick to be locked away at her pleasure.. but when she says come fuck me.. you better be ready to pleasure her just as commanded.. oo my.. you are at her disposal..
     
  17. SlaveBoy73
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    SlaveBoy73 Long term member

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    My advice is try it and see.
     
  18. nplover
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    nplover Member

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    Hello again,
    My gf has some ups and downs regarding the dynamic thing. There are time periods when she feels that this whole thing and my kinks disgust her and time periods when she wants to go on a full on 24/7 dynamic. Right now we are again at the full on dynamic phase. She just wants me to obey her at all times, on whatever she wants from me or even in decision making and not disagree with her under any circumstances. I just find hard to adapt to this, I guess I need time to get used to this mindset, that only her wish is what matters and that causes occasionally tension between us, when she feels that my attitude is not up to the standard that she requires from me. So my question is, do you think that suggesting to her to come up with some rules and rituals that will facilitate this transition and keep me in place is too much to ask?
    Right now the only rules that we have are:
    No orgasm without permission
    No porn
    Obey her/do whatever she wants from me at all times
     
  19. nplover
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    nplover Member

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    Another rule I forgot, only she can suggest to have sex and I should always be available for that, I am not allowed to suggest it.
     
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  20. Headtrip
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    Headtrip Long term member

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    @nplover from a quick read it sounds like she is, indeed growing and telling you what she wants/expects, and that you are still having some difficulty accepting this. I could be wrong but it is a very common theme on here where the guys get so amped up on the hormone rush that they want more, or they want certain fantasies fulfilled, etc - and then push their SO way too hard without even realizing it (thus the times she is put off by this).

    In other words be careful telling her (even "suggesting") what rules she puts in place. As always you should be able to communicate and I don't think it is wrong to have the occasional talk about what you do/don't like or about what you find most effective. Perhaps a "I love you taking control and I am certainly willing to accept your full time lead. I still have trouble accepting this from time to time and am hoping you can help me to get/stay in the right mindset. You know me well, any ideas?" If she says "no ideas" then you can ask her if she wants to hear your ideas or not, and if you are lucky enough that she says "yes" suggest a few things that you think may appeal to her. Perhaps a weekly "reckoning" session that you submit to, or a timeout in the corner when she is less than thrilled, or whatever you think she might like and that might have a positive effect on your behaviour. And if she doesn't want ideas then just shut up and save it for next week's talk.

    In summary, IMHO: You certainly SHOULD tell her what works and what doesn't, just don't overdo it and don't tell her what she needs to do. And if she asks for something that is not a pre-determined hard limit then you need to comply! 3+ years into this and I still have a hard time not being Alpha, but I have learned to object in a suitably respectful manner "honey, is it okay if I refuse that one, let me explain...".
     
  21. hopefulhubby
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    hopefulhubby Active member

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    It sounds to me like you are in an enviable position for most guys who are trying to establish an FLR. I wouldn't suggest anything like rules or rituals to her - more topping from the bottom. From what I read of your previous experiences she has plenty of options she is willing to use if/when you step out of line.

    I would just carry on obeying her. If you really object to something she commands you to do then what @Headtrip suggested would be the way to approach it. If it were me though I wouldn't refuse I would just ask to discuss it so she understands your concerns. It may be that after that you agree or accept a punishment in lieu of it.
     
  22. IB-Chaste
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    IB-Chaste Long term member

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    Personally, it sounds a lot like you want to have your cake and eat it.
    If you want an FLR then you have to accept that she doesn’t want rules, just obedience.
    If it was me in this situation I would hand over a list of hard limits. Actual hard limits, not a list of things you don’t really want to do or so many that actually she’s pigeon holed into leading you way.

    For example, you struggle to adapt her making decisions so you could set your limit as ‘no decision that have a long term impact’ - as you become more accustomed to life like this then you may accept more.

    Then I would focus my energy on complying with the things she’s asking. Not worrying about what she hasn’t asked.
    Once you genuinely hand over control you’ll start to see some real changes in her behaviour and you may get more than you bargain for.
     
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  23. nplover
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    nplover Member

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    Hello everyone, thank you for your comments.
    During this time our dynamic has mostly been demonstrated by doing things for her, mostly fetching things and that is done in the form of an order, not asking me. An interesting development occurred yesterday. My Goddess wanted us to go to sleep at a specific time, quite early (she doesn't like going to sleep alone) but I wanted to watch a match instead. Anyway, I thought that we would talk about it in the evening, we both had to leave. When I got home, she sent me a message saying that I shouldn't forget that she owns me. Also, that I should have food ready at a specific time (cooking is almost exclusively my responsibility) and that I should wait for her naked and on my knees when she comes home, ready to apologize for disobeying her. I felt that I was in some kind of dream, I couldn't believe that this was really happening. Of course, I was naked on my knees when she came back and I apologized to her. She only let me put me clothes back on after I served the food in the kitchen, with the light on. After we ate she told me that I am not allowed to touch my devices and that she has plans for me. She ordered me to go fetch the things needed and to remove the nail polish from her toes. During that, she called me a slave, something which doesn't happen often at all, even when I call her Goddess. After that, she ignored me for quite some time, saying that I should act like a statue and "statues don't talk". Then, she gave 1 minute to think of 3 things regarding how I can be a better boyfriend. I said that I should always obey her orders, put her needs and her pleasure first and she made me pledge that this it what I will be doing from now on. After that, she told me to go wash my face and wait for her in the bedroom. When she arrived, she ordered me to go down on her and afterwards she asked me to thank her for letting me give her an orgasm and putting her pleasure first, as I promised. Needless to say that we just went to sleep after that, I didn't watch any match, nor she cared for me not having an orgasm, when I was visibly dripping with precum. When I woke up and I found out that it was a great match, I was a little bit upset but obeying her and making her happy is way more important. I could see her satisfaction in her face about what happened yesterday and, damn, that was an intense evening. I hope that we will have more of those, in the future.
    Sorry for the long text.
     
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  24. Kat9s toy
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    Kat9s toy Long term member

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    Sacrificing something you really want in order to please her (whether Goddess, Mistress, Wife, Girl Friend, etc) can be so fulfilling for each.
     
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  25. Deleted member 96384
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    You need to bring in Chastity now, introduce it and try it. It will help her and you both settle into your roles and you’ll find things are so much easier.
    Once you have it on, go out with friends to a restaurant or club and she might tease you a bit. The environment around you and her control will help you mentally settle in and feel much more relaxed.
     
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