My unexpected life

Mistress Watchful if you were in her shoes I would not know what to do! LOL I mean hell a Mistress all the way from the UK in my room wow! Sorry now that I am done with my sick sense of humor I have to say she is still going strong. Today I was informed that I will indeed be in lock up very soon. She has decided she wants to institute the "minimum orgasm" policy; meaning she will have to receive a set amount before I get a release. This is intriguing and scary all at the same time. "IF" she would have one of those time frames where she is just not in the mood for an extended period of time I could be in some serious trouble. In all honesty I think this is why she is putting some thought into the number of orgasms she has to have before I get one. All I do know is today she said not only does she get to pick the number she also has final say in how many orgasms she has each time we have a session. I think it went something like "if I want to have just one I will and you sill just have to suffer through it" She said this with such a devious grin on her face that it gave me an instant erection and instant fear all at the same time. LOL As it sits know I have already had my chiropractor visit so there is not any reason for her to hold off starting the process. As it sits now I am just keeping my mouth shut so I can at least shoot the last wedding of the year without it. However, I fear she knows that there is no reason to hold off because I have done a few weddings in a device with little to no distraction. The only thing I know for certain.... it solid steel all the way.

Well I am so happy to say I can finally get excited about the Christmas holiday! I do have to work a half day tomorrow but the good thing is all my shopping is done, well almost all, and all that is left is wrapping a few gifts. Should be good to go by noon tomorrow.

Well for those of you who celebrate it, should I not make it back on for a few days, Have a Merry Christmas!

 

Well Merry Christmas everyone. Talk about a crazy turn of events. Just when I thought we could sit back and finally relax for the holidays I came down with the worse case of the flu I have had in a long time. Spent most of the day alone here in bed while Goddess and kidos went to grandmas house. While I am starting to fee a little better I still am fighting of some symptoms. Now it looks like Goddess might be getting whatever I had. What a day...

The great part is most of the gifts were a huge hit with the kids. They are still young obviously but it gets harder and harder to figure out what they will like. The Nintendo DS for my oldest seems to be a huge hit as they are sitting in a pop up tent here in the living room playing the game. LOL Well enough for now just popping in to say Merry Christmas. I certainly hope everyone who celebrates it, got to enjoy it.

 

Hello everyone. Well if you are following Goddess Jen's journal you know I had a long weekend. It of course started with having the flu over Christmas and while I was no where near full recovery, I had a wedding up in the Chicago area on Sunday. This normally would be nothing to get excited about except that Jen was tagging a long to see what it is like to actually shoot a wedding. Truth be told she was a great assist and we had a good time. Problem was getting there. We had 6-8 inches of snow dropped in a matter of hours so what would normally be a 2.5 hour drive took over 3.5 hours. On top of that I almost turned around twice. I was all over the road and this was with a 4 wheel drive! However once I got there all went well till later in the evening. That pesky flu bug that I still was recovering from kicked back in and I found myself up most of the evening going at the bowl again. This really sucked because so far it has been three straight nights with little to no sleep and I am desperately trying to figure out what I am going on now. Take that with the drive there and back today and I am wiped out.

As far as the sexual arena goes there really has not been anytime to enjoy that on the home front. Both Goddess and I are dealing with sick kids and sick selfs. She has come up with a plan as mentioned earlier but I am still waiting for her to give me the direction and the terms. Probably better for now. Who knows. Now the good thing is I must be getting a little better in terms of health because my mind has been in the gutter a lot today. Probably spawned by the crazy dreams I had last night. Something about restless sleep and being ill that when you do get some sleep you have these crazy ass dreams, only to wake up and go DAMN, I want that back. Well tonight it is her on her Facebook game again, me on here, and Monday Night Football on the TV. If I last long enough to enjoy any of it it will be a miracle. I am tired as heck. But I will be working on a story later I think because this crazy dream I had gave me a great idea for a story. That's about it for now, good night everyone.

 

I am not sure she has even checked those out yet. LOL Probably better for me as right now I can barely get her away from this crazy jewel game. Ever since I smashed her high score just to be spunky she has been determined to beat mine. LOL

Thanks for the kind words by the way I do think we are finally on the road to recovery, slowyly but surely.

So last night just piled on some more frustrations as I went out to start the other car (the car I was originally going to drive to Chicago) and it has a dead battery. It acted up once last week but then not a single problem. Last night however, dead as dead can be. All I could think was thank God I did not drive that thing up there. So this morning I am getting ready to head out and play Mr. Mechanic.

Now....speaking of last night, I had the pleasure to talk to John (Goddess Jen's Pet) on the phone as he called to thank me for entertaining his wife. NOT THAT WAY you silly people. No seriously we had a good chat as we talked about her excitement from the photo shoot, the kids excitement at Christmas, and just some random stuff. Now I am not sure how he came to the conclusion but somehow I guess it is my fault that he is in lockup. Something to the extent that he got a little over heated in looking at the internet, extreme restraints ads, and more internet; and therefore got "himself" all excited. I guess the reason it was my fault was that his Goddess was with me and not there to help him???? Who knows. John buddy sorry but I am calling Bullshit on this one! LOL Now with that said he told me that he and his wife had talked about Goddess Melissa's orgasm ratio terms and they decided on a 10:1 ratio. Seems fair. In talking with my Goddess last night she must have been thinking about it as she had a dream and in her dream she said well if they can do that then certainly we can double it. Keep in mind I am barely awake this morning at this point and about flew out of bed. I was like "What the hell?!?!?" She just giggled and said not to worry she decided it should be 15:1 for fairness. Fair or not, regardless, even if we have sessions only once a week which would be good with these kids and even if I get to give her an average of three per session, I will be in lock up for five freaking weeks! Looks like I need to make sure to drug the kids often, purchase a few new vibrators, and set a goal of no less than five orgasms per session! LOL

Now the whole idea of being in lockup while being made to bring Goddess to orgasm after orgasm is not only erotic but scary as hell. There is something those damn devices do to a guy when he is attempting to get erect in them. It is like one big purple mess. LOL I guess this is where the mind fuck comes in because I have to be focused enough on the task at hand to also control the intensity of how excited I am getting.........wow something is just way messed up about that and here I find myself excited by the very thought of it.

Well not much else to add to this today. Outside to go back to my original roots to play mechanic. Anyone know how to change the outside temperature from 8 above zero to say 50 or so? LOL

TTFN
~Mike

 

You kill me Goddess Jen. Just for the record I did not "have you" for the evening. LOL Borrowed maybe. Just because you were away is still no reason to go and get all worked up like that right. I mean I never do that. ROFL.

So in all seriousness we are still trying to figure out what the "ideal" rules should be. While the 15:1 thing she likes she came up with another one here that since January is approaching it would be 1 2010. Adding all those numbers up would be four thus 4:1 for January, 5:1 for February and so on meaning by the time we hit December of next year it would be 15:1. She felt she could work up to this better. I actually like the idea as it gives us a chance to try to see how it goes without putting pressure on her to "manage" the process. We talked a little over dinner and basically it comes to the point of what we both, well at least I , desire is the old run we once had where she would just drive me crazy every few nights and have me service her when she feels the need with me having no idea of when or how I will be getting a release. So I guess it is safe to say we still have not come up with any solid plan yet on how we are going to go into 2010. I guess time will tell and I am sure we will figure something out. Really I just want her to take charge of the whole thing again and run with it, like she did when we started, now that was the hottest time I can remember!

Well enough for now it is Daddy night as Goddess is out enjoying her gift cards shopping! Catch you all later.

 

Ok I had this chat conversation tonight where two separate friends told me they never heard of this song so I decided to add it here for all to listen to. If you have not heard Jose Nunez all I have to say is get the ice water because you will need it! The first 30 seconds or so is an intro with nothing more than erotic beats.

Enjoy!

 

So here I sit alone with a restless mind once again. I’ve done that a lot this year for some reason. It seems as I try to make my “New Years Resolutions” all I can do is focus on how this same time last year I said 2009 has to be a better year.

It would seem fair to think that each year things should get better right? I thought so anyway. The unfortunate part is I am troubled tonight. Troubled because 2009 seemed to be a year of losses, and significant losses at that.

In February I lost my step dad, the real father figure of my life since age two. While I still have my biological dad around we have not talked in over two years. Even as the holidays have come and gone not so much as a single hello, or fuck you for that matter. With the loss of my step has come the unfortunate mental loss of my mother. She has turned into a bitter and deceitful person, who for some reason has found her only pleasure in making others look bad. Many vicious lies were spread about various members of the family and for what reason? I have no idea. Perhaps she needed to look good in the eyes of others when in reality she did not. This whole tribulation has turned into an event which has basically whipped out the reminder of my family. It seemed that my wife and I were forced to either sever all ties or be sucked into the whirlwind of crap that has left that entire side…destitute.

If the family was not enough, I lost most of my business in the third and fourth quarters this year. This was a huge blow because there has been years of working multiple jobs to get this off the ground, followed by working multiple hours to keep it afloat. To have it taken away in an economy that still is leaving many with unanswered questions just sucks. It has forced me to take a part time job which for all intensive purposes is nothing more than a handy man working 20 hours a week. While I am grateful, as I should be with so many unemployed, it is a far cry from the once successful person I was in corporate America. It has long been noted that for some strange reason men find their self worth in their career.

This has lead to my reflection of the night itself. I sit here with no baby sitter, no family, a questionable career, and with it all a wife, AKA Goddess, who is now disenchanted due to my self-reflection. It seems as if this time last year I just knew things had to be better. I have tried to “make” things happen all year and as a result I have seemed to lost….me.
I seemed to have lost the once joyful wife I had and the once harmonious marriage we had. It seems in my desperation to make sure I kept the business running in hopes of maintaining some sort of 9-5 routine so that we could be together, I find myself wondering at what cost. While we have our time together it is spent at opposite ends of the sofa lately. By the time I have “waited out” the kids daily banter and fights for mom’s time I find at the close of the night I have nothing left to say as whatever it was I was trying to say must not have been important anyway. Instead I have allowed such an attitude as this to come to a head where I wonder is this what caused so many nights where it seems I had to hope and pray for intimacy.

In everything I am left with unanswered questions. Questions like does it really get better? Is this my entire fault? Does my wife want something more? Are we destined to be another statistic? Will 2010 be any better?

I know I have a tendency to over react, over think, and even over emotionalize. However when you look at the cold hard facts they speak for themselves. Even tonight when I was hopeful of sharing an intimate moment (or two or three) I made the mistake of telling her my new years resolution was to get a life. While it did not come out right it was simply designed to say I need something more than this. I need something more where so called friends will want to share things with you and not only be there when they need something or want to do the same thing over and over again. The one friend I have here has a knack for coming around when it benefits him and disappearing when it does not. The new friends I am making are 2 and half hours away and as such are hard to spend time with. I need a career, a single career, where I can have that sense of respect I once had. While there are many recent accomplishments and compliments with my photography business it does not even pay the bills any more due to the past set of circumstances. That takes all the glory and sense of self worth out of it.

In terms of sexuality, well there in lies my biggest challenge. I, like so many I meet, long to have that feeling where you know someone wants you as bad as you want them. I want to know that regardless of whether we play this lifestyle, or another one, that it is a mutual goal we are striving to achieve. When Goddess (and she truly is my Goddess) and I get together it is a wonderful magical moment. However, and maybe it is selfish, I think back and I have to ask myself how much of this was my doing this year. The chastity, the BDSM, and even the vanilla aspects seem like they just did not come as easy or natural as it once did. The kids, the family, and the work stress have taken so much that I have lost much. I lost 2009, I lost my family, I lost my career, and I can’t help but sadly feel like I am loosing my wife…

Strangely, I find solace here. I find a group of people who seem to be as genuine as it gets. It is sad I know so few personally. While the lifestyle is something I once got a full taste of I am afraid it is time to set it aside for while. When something you want so bad in your life causes you to dwell on it to the point of pushing other things out of your life; I think it is becomes questionable if it is healthy or not.

It is perhaps the two aforementioned paragraphs that have given me my 2010 New Years Resolution-to find me again. To many sacrifices all at what I “thought” someone wanted, needed, or expected have allowed me to sit here in an otherwise self pity state and reflect on what is surely one of the worst years I can remember in a long time. It is time for me to build better, longer lasting, and truer friendships. It is time for me to attempt to reach my kids on a more personal level. It is time to pray to reach my wife on a more intimate level. But most importantly, it is time to reach myself on a more spiritual level. I can’t, won’t, sit here this time next year like I am this year, reflecting back on all the negative moments that have somehow masked out most of the positive moments. I refuse to sit here next year watching the clock as it ticks out the remaining minutes of the year wondering why. Instead I will watch the clock and celebrate the “because”.

This was not designed to be read by anyone really. It is me looking back through my mind and realizing the definition if insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting the results to change. No, this year change is coming. I know not of it’s strategy but I know of its purpose. To help me find…peace. Just 20 minutes left in 2009, if you read this ramble this far then God bless you. But seriously take it lightly as it is past and those who dwell in the past never plan for the future, and the future is all we have. I ask you to join me in the future. Friendship is rare and what better ride than that shared between two friends…all leading to a better tomorrow. Here is to life, love, and the pursuit of happiness, but most of all, even if slightly selfish, here is to finding me again.

 

Thank you both and Happy New Year to you. I hope you each find what you are looking for in the new year and beyond.

 

Thanks happypants and everyone else for chiming in. Truly it is an honor to have you all stop by and add your two cents. Truth is I get way to emotional sometimes and then I tend to over analyze a lot. When it comes down to it you and many are probably right happypants-KISS, keep it simple stupid (saying that to myself not you btw) I think one problem I have is I have invested every penny, every minute, and every ounce of energy into a business for the past nine years that now I am faced with making a very hard decision. Do I keep it or dump it. Problem is I can't do this same thing with a family. Sure parts of me at times want to look at this way and I am sure if Melissa had her way at times I would have already been out the front door with bag and motorcycle in tow. LOL

Things are not as bad as perhaps my last post seemed to make them but there are areas that certainly need improvement. We both know this and are trying to find ways to deal with it. We like many have kids by our own choice and I guess for me I am wondering where "we" went. I too have already begun the simplification process of my business. No more of taking everything and anything just to make a buck. If it does not fit the model, it does not get accepted. I am trying to find a similar approach to our family life. The first part I think is developing a support system of friends so when we need some "us" time we can get it. When I think of how we have never had a time to drop the kids off and get away for an overnighter much less a weekend it just pisses me off. While I know Melissa would say we can make it work the way we do now I have to respectfully disagree because I just cant connect that way when in the middle of an evening movie we get interrupted 5-6 times with stuff like "my covers came off" LOL

Now I understand the marriage is a two way road so my real resolution is to make the commitment on my end to do everything I can to make life simpler on her end. I am hoping by this I can take some of the work related stress off her shoulders to give her the "free" time to put forth in the one need I cant seem to fulfill on my own for myself and that is the intimacy. As happypants stated we men are very simple creatures, come on to us once in a while, desire us half as much as we desire you and for goodness sake I will crawl through a field of land mines to get to you. I know that is very selfish way of thinking sometimes but really in this whole recent outburst of feelings and emotions it comes down to that. Am I still as desirable as I was when we started? Do I have what it takes for you to want me sexually AND be proud of me in other areas.

So while I may have been harsh in the past post please know I truly worship this woman. I do have some hopes, desires, and needs I am hoping we can work on as I am sure she does. I am far from perfect and I realize there are areas I need to improve on as well. but when it all comes down to it I think most will admit the "family" as it was put is only as strong as the relationship between the husband and wife, or the two key people. When other areas like kids, work, and finances are given top priority the core foundation is weakened and you are trying make a moped work as a limo service, it just wont work.

Now as far as the chastity play, I am not sure where that is going if anywhere. Goddess while still entertaining the idea seems to have little to no desire to re-introduce that right now and I guess with the recent stressors of my posts and life in general I can see why. There are a lot of internal struggles I am having with this all anyway. I am not sure this "fantasy" life I want is a life that can ever be and I fear trying to push it to that level is only bad for everyone involved. Emotions run high in this life as it is and trying to add an element of BDSM play to a relationship that was never started as such is probably not a realistic expectation. So this begs the question of how to find that place where I can stay 100% in tune with the needs of the family and my wife and somehow still manage to keep my own sanity. I am not sure where that is at this moment but I do know I am still committed to Melissa and our family and she is still committed as well ( or should be for putting up with me at times lol)

So my new years resolutions till stands I am going to find me this year. However please know that finding me will most likely come with developing and nurturing new relationships such as friends and family so we can "both" have an internal support system that will help strengthen us as a whole. I am going to work and taking delight in those moments with the kids, even the ones where they decided to toss out the 2000 coloring books and color on moms new scrapbooking paper (yes all of it). Sexually...well this will be my biggest challenge that stems way before Melissa even came into my life. I therefore can't expect her to live up to a role she never signed up for. It is none the less an area that I will have to address if I am ever to get some peace in that area. I am unfortunately wired to the extent that I love the idea of a woman who cant get enough of me and think there is nothing wrong with being intimate once or twice a week. Who knows what that will involve right now I am not even sure as I am sensing my rambling again. LOL

At any rate the real purpose of this is just to clarify I have no intentions of calling it quits on my marriage, in the contrary. I am confidant that Melissa AKA Goddess has no intentions on that either. The challenge it keep the lines of communication open and find a way to get us back through the road blocks of everyday life. the challenge for me is far more complex. There are many roads in front of me now, some as a result of past turns I made and others as alternatives to a destination unknown. the only problem is taking the time to see those roads for what the end may be and not for the scenery along the way. There is no reverse in this vehicle and a wrong turn could be detrimental at best.

Kids are now down after wearing them out at the good world of McDonalds in door playgrounds so off to take a nap for this old man. It has been a wild week thus far and it is time to prepare for the rest of this new decade in my life.

 

Yes Mistress! LOL