My Story

Discussion in 'Journals and blogs' started by Consensus, Jul 21, 2020.

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  1. Consensus
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    Consensus Long term member

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    It is with some reluctance that i post a new thread. i have nothing really to add to discussion apart from my own, meandering, experience and that is... unique.

    However, i have now passed the 120-odd day mark and so i feel that i have more perspective than i used to have and thus perhaps something to relate even if it merely repeats what else is available.

    Details! Yes, i am self-locked and do not have a Key Holder. Last year, 2019, i entered my first longer-term locking up with an online KH over emlalock and She suggested that i post here and read about other people's journeys. And, well, that first session ended after 53 days (pants i know) due to me getting the fear over some chafing. She, my KH, was gracious enough to stay in touch and started a new session with me a little later, that session lasted 41 days. However, toward the end of that session i had lost interest, She was busy with Her life and, well, i get depressed - so i wasn't really locked nor really in denial. At the same time i had started silently subbing to a work colleague who, as much as She was aware of what i was doing, liked it.

    i stopped the chastity, kept silently subbing. She, as far as i can tell, still likes it and has encouraged me to continue in things like calling Her "Ma'am". She enjoys being able to interrupt me, talk over me and, most crucially, have me listen. Indeed, She says that i am a great friend and confidant, like Her "gay best friend, but not gay". It is nice, i think that She appreciates my efforts and, so far at least, i think i have avoided being a dick about things. She has gone out of Her way to be nice in return and supportive of me both at work and as a friend.

    However, i missed chastity. Using the excellent scale available elsewhere on this forum, i am currently 8,3. That is, i have been locked since starting on 19 February and have managed three stints of four weeks plus without any unlocking for any reason. i am currently at the end of week three of this stint. One unlocking was to switch from the HTv2 to the HTv3 nano (both knock-offs), two for cleaning (the HTv2 began to smell a bit for one of those) and the most recent was because one of my balls kept slipping out - not sure what caused it but no repeat since a clean and a relock.

    So why post here?

    i am struggling. First of all with the denial. Eagle-eyed readers (assuming my prose hasn't sent you into a catatonic state already) will have noticed that my denial = 3. But i haven't unlocked - no uncaged O since 17 February - so what gives? Well, after the initial 5 weeks (around the time lockdown began) i managed a caged O, rubbing mainly. And, well, i suck at self-control - one of the reasons i like chastity - so that gave my brain a chance to want Os whilst caged, i guess, and it has done so. There have now been 19 caged Os. This sucks on so many levels it's hard to know where to start, but the biggest gripe i have is the three so far this month. That is awful by any standards.

    And that brings me to where i am at the moment. i had a real low-point yesterday and very nearly unlocked. Not to O, not because i wanted to stop, but out of sheer despair.

    How do people keep going?

    i am in chastity not to save a sexless marriage (though i am in one - four years and counting of no sex at all, no sign of that ending), not to get my wife interested (i mentioned it to her last year and it nearly caused a divorce), nor even to be controlled (note that there is no KH, digital or otherwise, this time). No, i self-locked because it was nice to pretend like my sexuality, my penis, mattered. In the constriction was an acceptance that it was necessary and, in that, was the feeling like it all mattered and was important in some way. It was a nice feeling.

    But the was is past-tense.

    Anyway, i'm still in, and i want to try and hit actual denial because i know how good that feels and how 'nice' it is to go for prolonged periods with no O - the first five or so weeks were amazing! Truly amazing. And, i like submission. But with lockdown and the fall-out from that, my work colleague hasn't been around for me to silently sub. There's no fantasising there, by the way, so She isn't being included in something as tawdry as sexual fantasy, i just like subtly allowing Her control and She likes it too - She has a boyfriend too, there's no chance of anything developing there beyond us being friends with Her being in charge. i think She might even be aware on some level.

    i digress, and this post is long. i frankly don't know if anyone will still be reading by this point. Thank you, by the way, if you are.
     
  2. Isopropylforyou
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    Isopropylforyou Long term member

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    You sound like you are in emotional pain. It's ok.

    Let's change things up. It's time start anew.

    First off what you are doing is not working. Time to stop and readjust why your in Chastity.

    Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different response is the definition of insanity.

    Since no one is there to take the key holder title, you must step up and do it yourself.

    You are going to have to teach yourself control. You must start small. Lock yourself up and then give yourself a release every 3 days for a few weeks. Then go to 5 days and then give yourself an Orgasm and then go to 7 Days.

    I allow myself a release every 7 days. What this does is give you some relief but some pleasure as well. More importantly it also keeps a majority of the hormones in your body.

    This has worked for me.

    And if you make a mistake and cannot make it that long and rub one out, that's ok too.

    Making mistakes is part of the process.

    Chasity is not for the weak. You have done it in the past and have gone for quite a long time too. This proves you are stronger than you think and you really need to give yourself credit for that.

    Submission is not weakness. It is love. We will put those that we love before us and our needs wants and desires. I love to see of those "Alpha Males" do what we do. They would not last 2 days.

    Only the Strong can do what we do.

    One technique I use is mediation. When I am super horny I lay in my bed, feet apart hand at my side but not touching. I close my eyes. I imagine the sexual energy in my groin as a blue/green light. I see it building there. I breath in and pull the energy from my groin and into my lungs. I hold it and my breath for 4 heart beats then I exhale and I send the energy to the rest of my body. My arms, legs, hands, feet etc. I am moving the sexual energy from my groin and repurposing it to my entire body. You need to go in a 4 count rhythm.

    Inhale moving the energy from your groin to your lungs for 4 counts/heartbeats. Hold for 4 counts/heartbeats, exhale and send the energy to your body for 4 counts/heartbeats and then rest for 4 counts/heartbeats. Then inhale....

    You will notice that the beats will become slower, that's your body calming down.

    Go slow
    Good luck
    No more feeling bad or helpless, your are now taking control.

    Iso.
     
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  3. Consensus
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    Consensus Long term member

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    Thank you for the advice, @Isopropylforyou - you speak sense.

    For what it is worth, today i have had to come out. That makes just over 160 days in. Why? Popping testicle, that's why. It came out a few times in the last few days, each time requiring an unlock to put it back in. Not so bad, but the family is now home and it's not been the easiest to find the time. Coupled with the fact that my night waking hasn't really resolved (every three hours at the moment) and the feeling that the testicle problem may well be connected with that - maybe i got something looped up or something? i don't know. By all accounts, i shouldn't be waking as much as i have been this long in so i definitely have something wrong. The fact that a testicle is popping out suggests that it isn't down to the ring being too small (if anything, it may even be a bit big - though a brief stint at the start of the month in a smaller ring was... painful).

    Clearly, i have something wrong.

    On the plus side, i have now managed a week since the last caged O, largely down to the fact that i was home without the family last week and feeling particularly down and depressed (the reason for the O, not the reason i've managed to avoid another one) and, though i am unlocked, i haven't had an unfettered erection or an O yet. i am hoping that i can keep this up until i get relocked. The pun is unintentional.

    Why not yet? There's some chafing and sweat damage - further evidence that i've got things a bit wrong?

    Alas, it's always the way, i finally feel confident enough to dream far and end up ending things. i hope that it won't be long until i am relocked and see if i can get it right this time for a long term lock-up. Not sure 160 days counts as long-term on this place! Also, hoping to hit higher than a 3 on the denial scale this next time, we shall see.
     
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  4. Consensus
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    Consensus Long term member

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    An update, such as it is. i am now on my third night locked up (paltry) and have moved out from the familial home into a rented flat. i have a house waiting, that's for March, and the children visit regularly. Honestly, me moving out seems to have been the greatest gift i have ever given my wife and, i suspect, divorce will top that still more. She is happier, less stressed and the children are the happiest and most stable i've ever seen them when they come over to stay.

    With everything that's happened since the end of July, i am glad to have settled enough to get locked again, it feels almost comfortable. The chafing and sweat damage took until the end of August to heal properly, with some lingering irritation issues throughout September and October. By the end of October, though, i was having regular and frequent Os - which was nice but disappointing. i managed to rein it in until i left in November, but then it ramped up again. However, i have managed to shave my hair from the waist down, which feels very nice indeed. It's not like anyone is going to see there. i can do as i please, i guess.

    There were a couple of false starts - a day here, a couple of days there - but, with the third night, i feel like i can at least get a week or so. Hence coming back here to keep a permanent record.
     
  5. tvalex
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    tvalex Long term member

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    If your mind is all over the place, it's not going to work. Hopefully your moving out will be a positive thing for everyone.
    I have been shaving for over twenty five years. It still feels amazing running my hand over bare legs.
     
  6. LesterBallard
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    LesterBallard Long term member

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    good luck to you
     
  7. Consensus
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    Consensus Long term member

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    Just a quick update, because i am now in my own place and have had a clear space to think and mull things over.

    Perhaps unsurprisingly, given my choice of avatar here and my life thus far, i have come to the conclusion that i am most likely transgender. i know, i know, terribly 'fashionable' at the moment - but i live in a place that is rather transphobic, so i suspect this is more a Trotski in July 1917 move, joining the Bol'sheviks when they were all in prison and at their lowest ebb power-wise. Except that i am no Trotski beyond the sincerity of the admission. No idea what this will mean going forward (one cannot go back) - maybe nothing. It certainly explains why i have had so few romantic encounters and, coupled with my ASD, why i am incredibly unlikely to have any more. Not many women want this, i would argue vanishingly few if any at all.

    i am now also the proud owner of a Vice Mini v2 and have crested 7 days this evening. Things are looking promising (but i already managed 15 days and then had to stop due to chafing with one configuration, so...) and i am feeling much more grounded than in december last year when i last posted in here. Honestly? i have always been generally okay with having a penis, but i do seem to like the concept of locking it away and not seeing it much. Make of that what you will.

    Not sure if this is of interest to anyone else, so i shall cease my ramblings for now.
     
  8. Isopropylforyou
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    Isopropylforyou Long term member

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    Your journey of self-discovery is starting to bear fruit.

    You will figure out who you are rather soon I suspect.

    Once you become happy with who you are and become more comfortable in your own skin, things will start to fall into place.

    Becoming more confident with who you really are, is the next step in your evolution.

    Keep journaling.

    Get your thoughts out of your head and on to the page. Never keep your feelings bottled up. It will destroy you.

    I just want to tell you: Well done my friend, well done.

    Iso.
     
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  9. Ms. Joanne
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    Ms. Joanne Active Trans woman

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    Deciding you're transgender has nothing to do with being fashionable. Its about knowing what's in your heart and realising that the only label which actually makes sense for you is that one. Outside of Reddit, nobody wants to be trans because its cool, I certainly didn't and it took me a long time to even use the term. But when you've exhausted all possibilities and nonsense you might tell yourself, you are only left with the truth.

    Transphobia is sadly something you just have to accept, its not your fault, its simply that some people in this world aren't able to deal with it, that doesn't necessarily make them all bad people. I feel sad for people who don't get me, but I'm hardened enough to not give a damn either. I know it can be very hurtful and make you feel cut off and isolated from the world and leave you feeling like you're struggling, but the only other alternative is to stop being you and that's never going to work out. Like you said, you can't go back, nor can you cork the bottle once its got out, for myself I would say "why would you ever want to?" The way I see it, you can't live your life for other people because that's not living and if you try you'll never feel whole.

    Do keep working on your blog, its very positive and it shows a lot of bravery/confidence sharing feelings and pics, it is also very cathartic and will help you make informed decisions about where things are going in the future. You'll also be able to see how you continue to evolve. Chasity can help but it could also be something you may not even need in the end, pace yourself and go for small wins instead of locking for too long and making yourself feel worse.

    Best wishes to you.
     
  10. Consensus
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    Consensus Long term member

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    Thank you @Isopropylforyou for your encouragement and kind words, they are much appreciated. And thank you too to @Ms. Joanne - your words are helpful and strong too Ma'am, and very welcome.

    My recent realisations have been a rather long time coming, to be frank, i started wrestling with this waaaay back in 2005 and then put things on hiatus due to meeting and marrying my wife. It has been a long time coming and a long time suppressed and ignored.

    As for trans being 'cool' - i absolutely know that it isn't really, especially in the UK. And, indeed, recognise that chastity and my realisations are completely separate things - though the concept of locking things up and keeping them largely out of sight does suggest a certain element of dysphoria (again, been ignoring that for a long time). Things are certainly looking up at the moment, in that i am aware of things and addressing them, but i have no idea how and in what ways i shall evolve now. It's true, this is very much a one-way journey.

    This was mainly to say thank you, so... thank you. It was much appreciated that you both took the time to respond and say such supportive things.
     
  11. borbulls1961
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    borbulls1961 Madame Vanilla's property

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    Been a year since your last update...how are you feeling?
     
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