It is with some reluctance that i post a new thread. i have nothing really to add to discussion apart from my own, meandering, experience and that is... unique. However, i have now passed the 120-odd day mark and so i feel that i have more perspective than i used to have and thus perhaps something to relate even if it merely repeats what else is available. Details! Yes, i am self-locked and do not have a Key Holder. Last year, 2019, i entered my first longer-term locking up with an online KH over emlalock and She suggested that i post here and read about other people's journeys. And, well, that first session ended after 53 days (pants i know) due to me getting the fear over some chafing. She, my KH, was gracious enough to stay in touch and started a new session with me a little later, that session lasted 41 days. However, toward the end of that session i had lost interest, She was busy with Her life and, well, i get depressed - so i wasn't really locked nor really in denial. At the same time i had started silently subbing to a work colleague who, as much as She was aware of what i was doing, liked it. i stopped the chastity, kept silently subbing. She, as far as i can tell, still likes it and has encouraged me to continue in things like calling Her "Ma'am". She enjoys being able to interrupt me, talk over me and, most crucially, have me listen. Indeed, She says that i am a great friend and confidant, like Her "gay best friend, but not gay". It is nice, i think that She appreciates my efforts and, so far at least, i think i have avoided being a dick about things. She has gone out of Her way to be nice in return and supportive of me both at work and as a friend. However, i missed chastity. Using the excellent scale available elsewhere on this forum, i am currently 8,3. That is, i have been locked since starting on 19 February and have managed three stints of four weeks plus without any unlocking for any reason. i am currently at the end of week three of this stint. One unlocking was to switch from the HTv2 to the HTv3 nano (both knock-offs), two for cleaning (the HTv2 began to smell a bit for one of those) and the most recent was because one of my balls kept slipping out - not sure what caused it but no repeat since a clean and a relock. So why post here? i am struggling. First of all with the denial. Eagle-eyed readers (assuming my prose hasn't sent you into a catatonic state already) will have noticed that my denial = 3. But i haven't unlocked - no uncaged O since 17 February - so what gives? Well, after the initial 5 weeks (around the time lockdown began) i managed a caged O, rubbing mainly. And, well, i suck at self-control - one of the reasons i like chastity - so that gave my brain a chance to want Os whilst caged, i guess, and it has done so. There have now been 19 caged Os. This sucks on so many levels it's hard to know where to start, but the biggest gripe i have is the three so far this month. That is awful by any standards. And that brings me to where i am at the moment. i had a real low-point yesterday and very nearly unlocked. Not to O, not because i wanted to stop, but out of sheer despair. How do people keep going? i am in chastity not to save a sexless marriage (though i am in one - four years and counting of no sex at all, no sign of that ending), not to get my wife interested (i mentioned it to her last year and it nearly caused a divorce), nor even to be controlled (note that there is no KH, digital or otherwise, this time). No, i self-locked because it was nice to pretend like my sexuality, my penis, mattered. In the constriction was an acceptance that it was necessary and, in that, was the feeling like it all mattered and was important in some way. It was a nice feeling. But the was is past-tense. Anyway, i'm still in, and i want to try and hit actual denial because i know how good that feels and how 'nice' it is to go for prolonged periods with no O - the first five or so weeks were amazing! Truly amazing. And, i like submission. But with lockdown and the fall-out from that, my work colleague hasn't been around for me to silently sub. There's no fantasising there, by the way, so She isn't being included in something as tawdry as sexual fantasy, i just like subtly allowing Her control and She likes it too - She has a boyfriend too, there's no chance of anything developing there beyond us being friends with Her being in charge. i think She might even be aware on some level. i digress, and this post is long. i frankly don't know if anyone will still be reading by this point. Thank you, by the way, if you are.