My life. My men. My choices. Journal Entry | 12 Comments · 2 Love It | 2 months ago Feeling a bit reflective on the men in my life and the choices I made. The first true love turned out to be physically abusive. I blamed myself because if I drove him to that violence the next day would be full of regret and so much love and attention. The second was, a good husband and father but over time our hearts weren't in it. I always felt I'd never live up to his standards and his poor communication skills left me feeling lonely and unloved. The third was a whirlwind romance where I lost my head and my heart and truly believed I had found my soul mate. I did all I could to please him, support him when he gave up work to start his own business (never happened) catered to all his fantasies and truly thought we'd be together to the end. He still doesn't have his own business and has (seemingly) given up the dark fetish world to become a normal vanilla boyfriend. Shame he didn't decide that's what he wanted when I was 6 months pregnant with his child. His fantasies pushed me to number four. The fourth and I never really had a chance. I was yet again feeling rejected by a man who spent his hours at home facing a computer screen and encouraging me to keep partying and looking for that "special man". Everything told me this boy was wrong for me, but he made me feel good, he adored me, he made me feel special. You can't choose who you fall in love with. I wanted to be with him forever and I knew if we had a child I would always have a part of him, even if he left me. The third wasn't 100% happy with my choice of partner to further his fantasies, but what could I do? We were in love but I still loved him too. At the time I was still convinced 4 would leave me and 3 and I would settle down and get married and be together forever. After all, we were soul mates and best friends. When our gorgeous baby boy arrived things went from bad to worse. 3 knew how to look after me and took control of everything. 4 felt pushed out from day one. I was too drained to cope. Constantly trying to put out fires between them. Constantly trying to please both of them whilst looking after a newborn. I threw money at 3 and tried to create the a happy home for 4. Neither worked. I suffered with severe PND. Felt a failure. Partied hard, usually at home with my well stocked bar and became more and more confused and depressed. 4 was becoming more pushy towards making 3 move out. I was drinking more to escape the pain of the mistakes I had made but was sure my intentions had always been good. I was constantly questioning who I was. I felt like a fraud. I wasn't the proper mummy and partner 4 wanted and I wasn't the proper Mistress 3 wanted. Who the hell was I? 3 moved out and took my son with him. It will take me a long time to forgive either of them for abandoning me with a person who had become controlling and abusive. The control continued and I was still confused about who I was. 3 met a proud housewife and mother and wanted a Mistress. 4 met a Mistress and appeared to want a proud housewife and mother. I felt abandoned. Lonely. Kept myself to myself. I always struggled with female friendships anyway. Things spiralled lower still until the day I finally rang my Health visitor and poured out how I was feeling. Then I practically begged my social worker to help me. He sat by me while I called the police and had 4 taken away. It broke my heart but I didn't know what to do. 3 had moved on and was in love with another woman. Something he decided to inform me about via text message, after a 10 year relationship, despite taking me out for dinner, sending me romantic messages and seemingly trying to woo me back. I finally realised we weren't soul mates, or best friends. He wasn't coming back to rescue me. I felt conned. On 19th April 2015 I thought my life was over. I was alone. I felt broken. I didn't think I would survive. I had not been single since I was 15. This thought encouraged me. I should make the most of this new opportunity. I decided to take charge of my life. It happened so quickly. I cried, mourning the loss of 3 for three days. In a week I was over him. Losing weight. Feeling great. Started dating. Surely it should take longer to recover from a 10 year relationship with your soul mate and best friend? Again I felt conned. I have continued dating and still categorise myself as single but there is still one man in my life who still loves and adores me. He is respecting my space and giving me time to do what I need to do. I feel like I know more about who I am. I tried vanilla... It's not me. I tried brazen, slutty single... The novelty wore off pretty fast. I find myself wanting to date less and spend more time with him. I see the man I fell in love with before we all screwed ourselves over, and were torn apart by a fantasy gone too far. I am a strong woman, who enjoys life as a Mistress and work as a Dominatrix. I still want the same thing I've always wanted. My happy ever after. And maybe a farm with no dirt and no animals. 3 refuses to talk to me anymore. I remained amicable and helpful financially until I was pushed away from my daughter's birthday celebrations as were her two sisters and her baby brother. Since then I see no point investing any time in that relationship in any form. 4 and I will always be together in some sense for the sake of our precious baby boy. I wish I could have seen truly how 3 and 4 felt about me over that last year. I still feel that to 3 I was a cash machine and a fulfiller of fantasies. 4 was fighting for his life. A life with the woman he loved and our son. I'm not sure where I'm going from here. Would I ever really want to let another man into my life? Or should I look and see what is actually in front of me? The chance to build a future, our own businesses, a family and a happy home with someone who understand who I am and what my goals are? I've already lived half my life in a dazed and confused state. This time alone has allowed me to find who I am and make decisions around that, rather than decisions which only make others happy while damaging my well being and sense of self? Onwards and upwards.
I am sorry to read such a sad story, there seen to be plenty of casualties from your life. I hope to can slowdown and start enjoying life and not looking for someone to enjoy life with.
@Mistress Watchful Pfew, While reading this post, I was overcome with a mixture of emotions: going from anger for all the injustice that happened to you up to feeling so powerless to help or give you advice that would do you any good. One of the feelings certainly is the feeling of great appreciation for you being so open to us, your CM family. I truly hope that this openness helps you get some order in your mind, and maybe even get some good and well-meant advice from CM members. I can only wish that you manage to set your priorities straight regarding your most important achievements (children, your own business, ..) and that based on the strengths you can pore from these achievements you will be able to move on. For what it is worth: taking some time to think it all over, to make a list of what you are proud of and what you are not so proud of and would like not to be repeated, could be a start to a better future. When mister or misses right crosses your path; you will know it when they encourage you to be yourself and support you to achieve your goals through open communication and do not give you the feeling that your happiness depends on them, that instead it is you who make him/her happy just by being the way you are. Every relation needs both partners to do some water in their wine, but that only works when you both have your own personal wine to start with. Sometimes you have to stop looking to be able to find what you need. I wish you all the best and strength to achieve your goals! With warm regards, Felix
Thank you Felix. This was 2 months ago and I'm already in a much better place. Probably the best place I've ever been. I decided to post this here today because it's all part of My journey, and I have a feeling that I will be travelling a new but somewhat familiar path very soon.
Thank you for giving us this inside view on your life - you've been a huge presence here even in your absence, so it's nice to have this context with which to view the history of both this site, and your relationship with Pet. I must say that I don't find your post sad in any way. What it is is very human, and full of hope, both positives attributes. I do hope you'll continue stay a member and continue to contribute to CM. You seem to be one of the people that is not only active, but it seems that when you do something you are fully committed, balls out, full on with it. Many of us, myself included, don't seem able to give themselves the same degree of freedom to be themselves as you seem to, and I love reading your posts as a result. We're all of us in search of inner peacefulness in some way or other - and I very much hope you manage to find yours.
Mistress Watchful, I do hope you so find the inner peace you seek. Only we as individuals can make our choices for the many paths that life presents to us. When we make bad choices we must recognize them, change them, shake them off and choose a different direction in the hope the new path will make us happier. May all of your hopes and dreams be within your reach. All the best to you Michelle
Why does it seem that good people are, more often than not, drawn to the bad people. My journey has a lot of the same elements, and like the OP had a big influence on my being where I am right now.
@Mistress Watchful wow what a journey Life sometimes seems to have a way of screwing you over. When my wife died after being with her for 21 years I thought my life was over but then I met @Mistress Deborah and started my second life , a very different life and one that makes me truly happy. My loss made me realise that life is for living and you need to do what makes you happy and we do. I know your next chance is just around the corner With best wishes Lucy xx
Life is for living no doubt about that. When I listen to what some of the kids at work did the last weekend I feel so sorry for them . Getting sick in the high street on Saturday night is something to be talking about . Otherwise it's how much they had to drink before or after. They have a quick shag never make . love. They eat to get full never to enjoy . They never walk and certainly not in the woods or by a river. They only comuicate via social media even across a table at break times . I have lost that verse that was in blue italic writing when we got the mansion back up . Lots in that to live by no mistake. You never know what is round the next bend , but what risk do you take . That is the real trick. On the edge but not quite over it . Don't let the bad stuff in and allways try to find good in everything and everyone that touches your life . Try to make their day better than they expected I think helps you to stay positive . Xx Wendy
Mistress Watchful. This explains a lot and I am erg glad that you see light at the end of the tunnel. I had tried to contact you when you were at your lowest and I had wondered what the problem was. I can truly understand you thoughts but as someone who is still happily married after almost 29 years I can honestly say the the relationship is the key not the type of relationship. You have created so much with this web site and your blogs that I followed for many years well before you started the mansion, in fact I followed you here. My wife who I am now proud to call Miss (. She really hates mistress) and I are very happy but have only really stared a true FLR in the last three months after over a decade of dabbling and ins and outs that's all a part of life. Miss even has me visit a professional Lady such as yourself for training and correction which Miss is finding very effective as she hates the idea of spanking or caning. Our Lady may have been you if timing was different you were the first choice as I felt you would understand. We have been very lucky with out selection and I have approximately monthly sessions. Why am I saying this well without me your input over the years we would not be in the happy place we are. I believe that you have helped many people over the years and I want to say thank you for all you have done. I believe you will find the happiness that you truly deserve but I would keep an open mind as it may not be what you expect. I always look out for you entries as the past is so close to me. With my very best wishes and hopes for your future.
There is another saying: "Whoever never made a mistake never made anything." You have surely gone almost to hell in a handcart and yet returned intact. You have got to be an incredibly strong person not to let it overcome you. All the very best for your future, whatever it be, and I hope you will continue to keep in touch if just 'from the sidelines' as it were.
@Wendygirl "I have lost that verse that was in blue italic writing when we got the mansion back up . Lots in that to live by no mistake." Maybe it is this verse that you refer to?
Mistress Watchful, No disrespect at all, but I always figured dominant women were smarter than the average bear and could pick a good one the first time. I guess love can beat us all up. It took me 4 marriages to find Mrs Perfect. There is nothing I would take n trade for her. As others have stated, I hope your luck has turned with pet. Care, LRW